Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
When You & You S/O Aren't On The Same Page
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 751395" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>It's been very, very difficult for Hubs and me to be on different pages as far as interacting with Son.</p><p></p><p>Hubs went to a couple of counseling sessions once, a few years ago. Our issue was trying to get on the same page as far as interacting with Son. I wanted to limit or curtail contact and Hubs wouldn't commit to a path either way.</p><p></p><p>When we met with the counselor, Hubs told the counselor he thought I was 100% right in cutting off contact with Son and told us that was what he was going to do...then continued communication and (in my opinion) enabling Son behind my back. Obviously, counseling wasn't going to help if he couldn't participate in it honestly...</p><p></p><p>Hubs will bitterly recall all the times Son has hurt us and others in one way or another. He readily acknowledges that Son would likely target him if he were in a weakened state, especially if Son was drinking or using (or even considering drinking and using).</p><p></p><p>Yet Hubs continues to communicate with him.</p><p></p><p>I don't understand it and our daughter doesn't understand it. The rest of the family all say they have lost respect for Hubs because of it. To be honest, daughter and I are beginning to feel the same way. And Hubs agrees with my decision!</p><p></p><p>Yet here we are...</p><p></p><p>I think it boils down to my core beliefs vs. Hubs's core beliefs. Normalizing Son's bad behavior seems wrong to my core. I would rather have no relationship at all than to gloss over what he's done. Plus, I've come to believe that in stepping away from Son, I am allowing the world to become his teacher, and that might be the only chance he has. </p><p></p><p>Hubs would prefer SOME relationship, even if it's built on lies and manipulation.</p><p></p><p>So do I demand Hubs cut off contact with Son?</p><p></p><p>That's not my place. That's not my choice.</p><p></p><p>My only choice is to let this play out in its own time, and that is very, very hard sometimes.</p><p></p><p>Having a grandchild in the middle of the disagreement would make it that much harder, I imagine. So many issues to parse through, one of which is parenting decisions all over again.</p><p></p><p>Not to generalize, but I think overall men tend to parent differently than women, which reminds me of a funny story.</p><p></p><p>We had friends whose 2-month-old daughter (like ours) was also not sleeping through the night. Hubs and I had been taking turns on night patrol. Our friends decided to give it a try.</p><p></p><p>On Dad's first night of patrol, when Baby woke up hungry, Dad (unbeknownst to Mom) cut most of the top off a nipple, filled the bottle with oatmeal, and fed Baby the whole thing. Problem solved!</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>Fortunately, it all worked out (and Baby definitely DID sleep through the night THAT night).</p><p></p><p>On one hand, I can (kind of) see your husband's point. From your posts, I see some glimmer in your daughter of appreciation for her role as mother and her insistence on that role being acknowledged, even though she is not accepting the responsibilities that go along with it. Perhaps your husband believes that would be enough to inspire her to rise to the occasion?</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, that seems like a huge gamble, with an innocent on the table.</p><p></p><p></p><p>And then there's this, which clearly points to her not being ready.</p><p></p><p>Your love for each member of your family, as well as your family collectively, really shines through, Chickpea. You certainly don't need or deserve to be pulled in different directions.</p><p></p><p>I think counseling is a really good idea. Even if your husband won't go, are you going yourself? Or would you be willing to go on your own?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 751395, member: 17720"] It's been very, very difficult for Hubs and me to be on different pages as far as interacting with Son. Hubs went to a couple of counseling sessions once, a few years ago. Our issue was trying to get on the same page as far as interacting with Son. I wanted to limit or curtail contact and Hubs wouldn't commit to a path either way. When we met with the counselor, Hubs told the counselor he thought I was 100% right in cutting off contact with Son and told us that was what he was going to do...then continued communication and (in my opinion) enabling Son behind my back. Obviously, counseling wasn't going to help if he couldn't participate in it honestly... Hubs will bitterly recall all the times Son has hurt us and others in one way or another. He readily acknowledges that Son would likely target him if he were in a weakened state, especially if Son was drinking or using (or even considering drinking and using). Yet Hubs continues to communicate with him. I don't understand it and our daughter doesn't understand it. The rest of the family all say they have lost respect for Hubs because of it. To be honest, daughter and I are beginning to feel the same way. And Hubs agrees with my decision! Yet here we are... I think it boils down to my core beliefs vs. Hubs's core beliefs. Normalizing Son's bad behavior seems wrong to my core. I would rather have no relationship at all than to gloss over what he's done. Plus, I've come to believe that in stepping away from Son, I am allowing the world to become his teacher, and that might be the only chance he has. Hubs would prefer SOME relationship, even if it's built on lies and manipulation. So do I demand Hubs cut off contact with Son? That's not my place. That's not my choice. My only choice is to let this play out in its own time, and that is very, very hard sometimes. Having a grandchild in the middle of the disagreement would make it that much harder, I imagine. So many issues to parse through, one of which is parenting decisions all over again. Not to generalize, but I think overall men tend to parent differently than women, which reminds me of a funny story. We had friends whose 2-month-old daughter (like ours) was also not sleeping through the night. Hubs and I had been taking turns on night patrol. Our friends decided to give it a try. On Dad's first night of patrol, when Baby woke up hungry, Dad (unbeknownst to Mom) cut most of the top off a nipple, filled the bottle with oatmeal, and fed Baby the whole thing. Problem solved! Huh. Fortunately, it all worked out (and Baby definitely DID sleep through the night THAT night). On one hand, I can (kind of) see your husband's point. From your posts, I see some glimmer in your daughter of appreciation for her role as mother and her insistence on that role being acknowledged, even though she is not accepting the responsibilities that go along with it. Perhaps your husband believes that would be enough to inspire her to rise to the occasion? On the other hand, that seems like a huge gamble, with an innocent on the table. And then there's this, which clearly points to her not being ready. Your love for each member of your family, as well as your family collectively, really shines through, Chickpea. You certainly don't need or deserve to be pulled in different directions. I think counseling is a really good idea. Even if your husband won't go, are you going yourself? Or would you be willing to go on your own? [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
When You & You S/O Aren't On The Same Page
Top