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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 669809" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My tendency is to get mad at M. He should be working on the rental property. He gets up and goes back to sleep only to leave when I get up. And then, after 3 hours gone, he comes home for lunch. To spend the afternoon watching his stupid Spanish TV. </p><p></p><p>If it were a paid job he would be gone at 6 am to work 12 hours. </p><p></p><p>I feel used. I pay for us to live. It is wrong that he resent doing this for me. </p><p></p><p>He is very proud. He must feel why is she laying around all day indulging himself? But there have been many, many months that he was at home and I was at work.</p><p></p><p>I have two choices. I can bring up my resentment. That will lead to a fight. He will defend himself by attacking. I will only lose more.</p><p></p><p>The other choice is getting up in the morning to go work with him or at least to be there with him. With this, he will be OK. I dread this. It may be the only way.</p><p> I have been leaving the house a little bit. Yesterday I went to the physical therapist and after to Walmart to return stuff. It took 2 hours because they did not know what they were doing. </p><p></p><p>This morning I woke up sad. M was still sleeping on the couch at 9:30 am. Unless we change our manner of interacting we will have big trouble. I think he is depressed, too. </p><p></p><p>So, I spoke with him. He said he does not need me to go with him. He says he needs me there to make decisions and that is why he came home to eat. He said a solution will be that he goes in the AM before I get up and that I come at mid-day with lunch for him and that way I can help him solve whatever came up in the morning.</p><p></p><p>He got mildly defensive: He resented my linking the work at the house with our relationship. I tried to tell him that our habits, our way of living together has gotten destructive. I took responsibility for it. I brought up the Spanish TV. He brought up my always being on the computer. </p><p></p><p>I brought up how before things got so difficult with my mom no matter where we were we would be together, reading or talking. </p><p></p><p>He brought up how impossible it is with the computer clicking all the time when he is in bed with me.</p><p></p><p>I said I could restrict it to an hour a day (and sneak out at night to the living room.) He brought up how unhealthy it is to depend upon people I do not know for friendship. That you cannot know somebody if you are not with them. And that I should look in my psychology books to find this malady and how to cure it. </p><p></p><p>I did not know what to say. What do I say? </p><p></p><p>I told him what I want is: Him, to finish our responsibilities here and to go East.</p><p></p><p>Then he said: The only way you will cure yourself is to decide to do it. </p><p></p><p>So, I will begin to go midday with lunch for him. That will give me time to go to physical therapy and to work a little here. It will give me the necessity and incentive to get out by midday everyday and give M a sense of being supported.</p><p></p><p>I feel mildly encouraged.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p><p></p><p>PS When I brought up 3 years ago, when I was working far away how our life together was better, he interrupted me. </p><p></p><p>I had qualified it by saying that I knew that it was not so good for him because he went where he had no work or friends or useful activities--in order to follow and support me. All of that is true.</p><p></p><p>He was frustrated because last night I woke him up to ask if he would go follow me again to work somewhere far.</p><p></p><p>He said I contradict myself. He couldn't make sense of why I argue both sides of a situation. Why I would again bring up a plan that required he sacrifice his self-interest, and lament it at the same time.</p><p></p><p>I responded: When you are flailing about trying to solve something that you do not understand, you do that. Except I do not know how to translate flail into Spanish.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 669809, member: 18958"] My tendency is to get mad at M. He should be working on the rental property. He gets up and goes back to sleep only to leave when I get up. And then, after 3 hours gone, he comes home for lunch. To spend the afternoon watching his stupid Spanish TV. If it were a paid job he would be gone at 6 am to work 12 hours. I feel used. I pay for us to live. It is wrong that he resent doing this for me. He is very proud. He must feel why is she laying around all day indulging himself? But there have been many, many months that he was at home and I was at work. I have two choices. I can bring up my resentment. That will lead to a fight. He will defend himself by attacking. I will only lose more. The other choice is getting up in the morning to go work with him or at least to be there with him. With this, he will be OK. I dread this. It may be the only way. I have been leaving the house a little bit. Yesterday I went to the physical therapist and after to Walmart to return stuff. It took 2 hours because they did not know what they were doing. This morning I woke up sad. M was still sleeping on the couch at 9:30 am. Unless we change our manner of interacting we will have big trouble. I think he is depressed, too. So, I spoke with him. He said he does not need me to go with him. He says he needs me there to make decisions and that is why he came home to eat. He said a solution will be that he goes in the AM before I get up and that I come at mid-day with lunch for him and that way I can help him solve whatever came up in the morning. He got mildly defensive: He resented my linking the work at the house with our relationship. I tried to tell him that our habits, our way of living together has gotten destructive. I took responsibility for it. I brought up the Spanish TV. He brought up my always being on the computer. I brought up how before things got so difficult with my mom no matter where we were we would be together, reading or talking. He brought up how impossible it is with the computer clicking all the time when he is in bed with me. I said I could restrict it to an hour a day (and sneak out at night to the living room.) He brought up how unhealthy it is to depend upon people I do not know for friendship. That you cannot know somebody if you are not with them. And that I should look in my psychology books to find this malady and how to cure it. I did not know what to say. What do I say? I told him what I want is: Him, to finish our responsibilities here and to go East. Then he said: The only way you will cure yourself is to decide to do it. So, I will begin to go midday with lunch for him. That will give me time to go to physical therapy and to work a little here. It will give me the necessity and incentive to get out by midday everyday and give M a sense of being supported. I feel mildly encouraged. Thank you. COPA PS When I brought up 3 years ago, when I was working far away how our life together was better, he interrupted me. I had qualified it by saying that I knew that it was not so good for him because he went where he had no work or friends or useful activities--in order to follow and support me. All of that is true. He was frustrated because last night I woke him up to ask if he would go follow me again to work somewhere far. He said I contradict myself. He couldn't make sense of why I argue both sides of a situation. Why I would again bring up a plan that required he sacrifice his self-interest, and lament it at the same time. I responded: When you are flailing about trying to solve something that you do not understand, you do that. Except I do not know how to translate flail into Spanish. COPA [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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