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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 669854" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Oh. I changed my quote wording a little. We have had another home emergency (this one electrical). So, I left this open and came back some time later. Forgetting it was a quote, I altered it. </p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>Nonetheless:</p><p></p><p>Copa, if you place your son at the age of seven, or eight, or nine or six, into the situation you lived at those ages, you will be more able to come to your own rescue, now. Like me, you may have been brought up shepherding everyone safely through. It is possible that, like I was doing too, you are unable to forgive or find compassion for that little girl you were because no one in your family of origin had compassion for her.</p><p></p><p>Remember the story about the child in the dungeon in the center of the town? </p><p></p><p>You need to see that little girl you were through your own loving eyes Copa, and never through the self justifying eyes of the abuser, again. </p><p></p><p>Think of the patterns in your family of origin, Copa. Think of the toxicity. And understand that the unspoken dynamic between you and your sister is a 50/50 split. To her, she is all the good. To her, you...are carrying everything else. </p><p></p><p>All of it.</p><p></p><p>She knows it is wrong, but she is doing it, anyway.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>In your family of origin, no one admired your courage.</p><p></p><p>They called it defiance. </p><p></p><p>No one acknowledged that lonely, frightened little girl's superhuman self control, her courage or pain or loneliness or confusion, then. It will be an act of defiance to claim that right, now.</p><p></p><p>Until you can fight them for her Copa, I think healing into internal, versus external, locus of control will be difficult for you.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>The sister's behavior has the effect it does on you now because she is, probably intentionally, given the undeniable nastiness of the actions you have described her to have taken, still projecting her shadow self onto you.</p><p></p><p>Raised as you were Copa, you have no defense.</p><p></p><p>As an educated adult, Sister will have some awareness of the moral implications of her actions. Even so, there is no adult now to enforce your subservience Copa but...you. </p><p></p><p>Stop it, Copa.</p><p></p><p>You did what you had to when you were a little girl, and you got both of you through what was at times a dangerous and chaotic childhood.</p><p></p><p>Again Copa, I ask you to place your son at that age into the situations you have survived.</p><p></p><p>ROAR will happen so fast, Copa. You love him fiercely. You will protect him. In doing so you will learn to see that little girl you were for the first time.</p><p></p><p>I think you will like her so much, Copa.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I am sorry, Copa. I know how hard it is to acknowledge these things that are true about our families of origin. I know how stupidly wasteful it seems that those harmful patterns set up then should still be viable, today. It makes everything seem so hopeless, once we no longer have that concept of Family Dinner. It is a very lonely feeling, to let the hope of it go. </p><p></p><p>It is over, and cannot be undone. But what we can do is see with clarity and reclaim internal versus external locus of control.</p><p></p><p>That is the gold standard here, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Internal locus of control.</p><p></p><p>You came in to FOO Chronicles later than Serenity or I did. You are right on schedule Copa, and are coming through beautifully. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for the pain of it, and for the ugliness, Copa.</p><p></p><p>It will not be so much longer, now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 669854, member: 17461"] Oh. I changed my quote wording a little. We have had another home emergency (this one electrical). So, I left this open and came back some time later. Forgetting it was a quote, I altered it. Ahem. Nonetheless: Copa, if you place your son at the age of seven, or eight, or nine or six, into the situation you lived at those ages, you will be more able to come to your own rescue, now. Like me, you may have been brought up shepherding everyone safely through. It is possible that, like I was doing too, you are unable to forgive or find compassion for that little girl you were because no one in your family of origin had compassion for her. Remember the story about the child in the dungeon in the center of the town? You need to see that little girl you were through your own loving eyes Copa, and never through the self justifying eyes of the abuser, again. Think of the patterns in your family of origin, Copa. Think of the toxicity. And understand that the unspoken dynamic between you and your sister is a 50/50 split. To her, she is all the good. To her, you...are carrying everything else. All of it. She knows it is wrong, but she is doing it, anyway. *** In your family of origin, no one admired your courage. They called it defiance. No one acknowledged that lonely, frightened little girl's superhuman self control, her courage or pain or loneliness or confusion, then. It will be an act of defiance to claim that right, now. Until you can fight them for her Copa, I think healing into internal, versus external, locus of control will be difficult for you. *** The sister's behavior has the effect it does on you now because she is, probably intentionally, given the undeniable nastiness of the actions you have described her to have taken, still projecting her shadow self onto you. Raised as you were Copa, you have no defense. As an educated adult, Sister will have some awareness of the moral implications of her actions. Even so, there is no adult now to enforce your subservience Copa but...you. Stop it, Copa. You did what you had to when you were a little girl, and you got both of you through what was at times a dangerous and chaotic childhood. Again Copa, I ask you to place your son at that age into the situations you have survived. ROAR will happen so fast, Copa. You love him fiercely. You will protect him. In doing so you will learn to see that little girl you were for the first time. I think you will like her so much, Copa. *** I am sorry, Copa. I know how hard it is to acknowledge these things that are true about our families of origin. I know how stupidly wasteful it seems that those harmful patterns set up then should still be viable, today. It makes everything seem so hopeless, once we no longer have that concept of Family Dinner. It is a very lonely feeling, to let the hope of it go. It is over, and cannot be undone. But what we can do is see with clarity and reclaim internal versus external locus of control. That is the gold standard here, Copa. Internal locus of control. You came in to FOO Chronicles later than Serenity or I did. You are right on schedule Copa, and are coming through beautifully. :O) Cedar I am sorry for the pain of it, and for the ugliness, Copa. It will not be so much longer, now. [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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