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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 670394" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Wow, New Leaf. You wrote a book, not a post.Yes. Thank you.</p><p></p><p>You see, New Leaf, that is exactly the problem. </p><p></p><p>I have a hard time picturing my mother as smiling at me. The affect I most associate with her is angry and hard. Even though she had a persona as the warmest woman in the world. My memory of her when I was a child was angry and temperamental and selfish. And that was much of my experience of her as an adult. I was outclassed. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is, if I think of her at her door when she would greet me, sometimes after years,<em> she was smiling</em>. I think we never really recovered from the hard times of my childhood. Except as she was dying.</p><p></p><p>Yes. Thank you.</p><p></p><p>Actually she was mad because there had been a construction accident on her roof and she was resentful that I did not dedicate myself to helping her. Actually she did very well on her own. I am completely inept in those things. I think, too, she was resentful that I wanted to have so much fun and to live footloose and fancy free. She was happier with me when I was a drudge.</p><p></p><p>Thank you. M talks about this time. Last week he told his sister: Copa would have spent every dime she had and every dime her mother had to take care of her Mother, without thinking twice. He respected me in that. I am grateful for his respect.</p><p></p><p>I know. You must remember this. It has been 25 months since my mother died. I have said I almost died with her. There are still days when I fear I will never get better. Fewer now. There were others there to care for you Dad. And your sacrifice of yourself, he would not have been in a position to know or to appreciate. I was it for my mother. </p><p></p><p> Yes. I think I am almost there. Thank you.</p><p></p><p>Yes. I think about this as well. I know you are speaking here of a memory, but I would like to die with my son near me, and M, if we are still together. Selfishly, as hard as it has been for me, I hope my son will be with me. Even if it is hard for him. I would want him to be with me as I die. I love him so much.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, New Leaf.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 670394, member: 18958"] Wow, New Leaf. You wrote a book, not a post.Yes. Thank you. You see, New Leaf, that is exactly the problem. I have a hard time picturing my mother as smiling at me. The affect I most associate with her is angry and hard. Even though she had a persona as the warmest woman in the world. My memory of her when I was a child was angry and temperamental and selfish. And that was much of my experience of her as an adult. I was outclassed. But the thing is, if I think of her at her door when she would greet me, sometimes after years,[I] she was smiling[/I]. I think we never really recovered from the hard times of my childhood. Except as she was dying. Yes. Thank you. Actually she was mad because there had been a construction accident on her roof and she was resentful that I did not dedicate myself to helping her. Actually she did very well on her own. I am completely inept in those things. I think, too, she was resentful that I wanted to have so much fun and to live footloose and fancy free. She was happier with me when I was a drudge. Thank you. M talks about this time. Last week he told his sister: Copa would have spent every dime she had and every dime her mother had to take care of her Mother, without thinking twice. He respected me in that. I am grateful for his respect. I know. You must remember this. It has been 25 months since my mother died. I have said I almost died with her. There are still days when I fear I will never get better. Fewer now. There were others there to care for you Dad. And your sacrifice of yourself, he would not have been in a position to know or to appreciate. I was it for my mother. Yes. I think I am almost there. Thank you. Yes. I think about this as well. I know you are speaking here of a memory, but I would like to die with my son near me, and M, if we are still together. Selfishly, as hard as it has been for me, I hope my son will be with me. Even if it is hard for him. I would want him to be with me as I die. I love him so much. Thank you, New Leaf. COPA [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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