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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 670395" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>It is normal to 'strike' out and be on your own. That is why many young adults leave to start their own lives someplace else. It is a part of growing up.</p><p></p><p>I wish that I had... I stayed close. I never had adventures. I have never lived further than 30 minutes from my childhood home. Am I better off for it? </p><p></p><p>My mother was controlling and I grew up trying to make her happy. I was the only one with children, so I think that I finally, maybe did something that she somewhat liked.</p><p></p><p>But, my point is that most mothers are almost 'trained' by our culture to make their children feel guilty. We probably all do it to some degree. Your mother tried, and it did not work. End of story.</p><p></p><p>Were you a bad daughter? No. You have a right to have your own life. Maybe she created an atmosphere in which you felt guilty doing something that most adult do. Go off and start a career, travel, and try to figure out what you want in life.</p><p></p><p>You did nothing wrong. Your mother made you feel that way. You would have called her if she had not made such a large chasm of misunderstanding between you. </p><p></p><p>If she had been kind...you would have felt open to talking to her.</p><p></p><p>Now, I feel that the majority of your guilt comes from feeling that you failed her...that she never knew how much you loved her until it was the 'too late'.</p><p></p><p>She knew. She always knew. You also came to be by her side toward the end. She knew.</p><p></p><p>I got around my guilt, that often was posing as grief. Why should I feel badly?</p><p></p><p>I got pregnant out of wedlock in my twenties, even though he was my first and only boyfriend...and I married him, even though he was violent, to please her. Was she pleased? No.</p><p></p><p>I had sex before I was married. He was a different race. He was Japanese. He was not college educated. Lastly, he was from a 'poor' area.</p><p></p><p>Fail...fail...fail..fail... I lost count. Did I get enough 'fails' in???</p><p></p><p>After I divorced 12 horrible years later, she never told her relatives how I had 'disgraced' her and got a divorce. Never mind that I was being abused. I divorced him in 1994. I still get cards with my married name on them!</p><p></p><p>Years later, she told my middle son, who was 17, "You do not want to be like your mother and have sex before you are married. She is not going to Heaven. You want to go to Heaven, don't you?"</p><p></p><p>Never mind that I had never told my sons this fact. Way to go, mom! I was not told by my son for years. It turned him off religion. He said, "Why should I believe in a Heaven that your own MOTHER doesn't think that you are good enough to get into?"</p><p></p><p>I was going someplace before my very bumpy trip down memory lane. Oh, yes. I followed what she wanted me to do, we'll except for my unplanned pregnancy, his different race, etc. (Please see above for the complete list).</p><p></p><p>What did it get me? I feel just as guilty as you....AND....this is the big ending...she still made me feel as though I had failed her AND I did not get to travel, explore, or experience anything further than 30 minutes away!!!</p><p></p><p>Voilà. I have argued my case. Copa, even if you HAD stayed, she could have very well still had made you feel guilty.</p><p></p><p>What I do now is 'talk' to her. No, not when others are around. I do not want to be perceived as...strange.</p><p></p><p>I believe in some plane of existence after death. I always have. I have been clairvoyant since middle school. It gives me the creeps. Things can happen that have no scientific explanation. </p><p></p><p>But, my point is that she is still 'out there'. I talk to her and I feel better.</p><p></p><p>Would I still feel better even if she was not out there? A resounding....yes!</p><p></p><p>Therapists all the time tell you to write a 'letter' to the one who has wronged you. Not to be sent. But rather, for the cathartic value of the exercise.</p><p></p><p>So, 'talk' with you mom. Apologize for any perceived guilt that you possess. You can even TELL her some things that you were ticked off about or possibly misjudged about. The best part is that you hold the floor. No arguing. Sometimes I can 'hear' her guilty ridden counterpoint in my mind, but that can be easily squashed!</p><p></p><p>I look at model homes. I can hear her say in my mind, "What a horrible floorplan! Who decorated this home? The yard is way too small! What cheap rug!"</p><p></p><p>You get the picture.</p><p></p><p>Leafy was right. Your mom is always with you....your mannerisms, your way of setting people at ease, your gift if a turn of a phrase. She is still here. Whether you believe that she can 'see' you or that your love for her will NEVER go away...she is here. Converse with her. ( Just not in front of M. He will think that you have totally lost it!)</p><p></p><p>I wrote on another thread about my mother's rough passing. All of the work and responsibilities was placed on me. Long story short, I was alone at 2 in the morning in the hospital and I was approached by her doctor and told that if she was not incubated within the next 2 minutes, that she would die. My directions for power of attorney was to have at least 4 doctors saying that she was terminal before I was to 'give up' on her.</p><p></p><p>I could hear her say, "Don't give up on me too soon", in my mind.</p><p></p><p>She suffered horribly and slowly several doctors came up to me to inform me of each subsequent organ failure.</p><p></p><p>A nurse said, "I am sure glad that you are not MY DAUGHTER!" I felt horrible. I had failed my mom and had caused days of suffering in one fell swoop.</p><p></p><p>After wallowing, I felt rightfully so, in a large, deep pool of guilt for years, it finally dawned on me. I had done my best. I was the only one who stayed each night well into the morning and often, over night. I spoke with all of her doctors. I did the best that I could given my directives.</p><p></p><p>So, I 'talked' with my mother. I told her how sorry I was. I told her that I had never wanted her to be in pain. I told her that I loved her.</p><p></p><p>Guess what? I felt as if a large weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt much, much better. </p><p></p><p>Do I know if she actually 'heard' me or not? No. Does it matter? No.</p><p></p><p>I felt better. Since that day, with my long apology and resolving my conflicts or feelings if guilt...I do not feel guilty about how her last days were handled.</p><p></p><p>I did the best that I could. Guilt and grief are often very closely intertwined. She knows that you loved her...you still do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 670395, member: 19245"] It is normal to 'strike' out and be on your own. That is why many young adults leave to start their own lives someplace else. It is a part of growing up. I wish that I had... I stayed close. I never had adventures. I have never lived further than 30 minutes from my childhood home. Am I better off for it? My mother was controlling and I grew up trying to make her happy. I was the only one with children, so I think that I finally, maybe did something that she somewhat liked. But, my point is that most mothers are almost 'trained' by our culture to make their children feel guilty. We probably all do it to some degree. Your mother tried, and it did not work. End of story. Were you a bad daughter? No. You have a right to have your own life. Maybe she created an atmosphere in which you felt guilty doing something that most adult do. Go off and start a career, travel, and try to figure out what you want in life. You did nothing wrong. Your mother made you feel that way. You would have called her if she had not made such a large chasm of misunderstanding between you. If she had been kind...you would have felt open to talking to her. Now, I feel that the majority of your guilt comes from feeling that you failed her...that she never knew how much you loved her until it was the 'too late'. She knew. She always knew. You also came to be by her side toward the end. She knew. I got around my guilt, that often was posing as grief. Why should I feel badly? I got pregnant out of wedlock in my twenties, even though he was my first and only boyfriend...and I married him, even though he was violent, to please her. Was she pleased? No. I had sex before I was married. He was a different race. He was Japanese. He was not college educated. Lastly, he was from a 'poor' area. Fail...fail...fail..fail... I lost count. Did I get enough 'fails' in??? After I divorced 12 horrible years later, she never told her relatives how I had 'disgraced' her and got a divorce. Never mind that I was being abused. I divorced him in 1994. I still get cards with my married name on them! Years later, she told my middle son, who was 17, "You do not want to be like your mother and have sex before you are married. She is not going to Heaven. You want to go to Heaven, don't you?" Never mind that I had never told my sons this fact. Way to go, mom! I was not told by my son for years. It turned him off religion. He said, "Why should I believe in a Heaven that your own MOTHER doesn't think that you are good enough to get into?" I was going someplace before my very bumpy trip down memory lane. Oh, yes. I followed what she wanted me to do, we'll except for my unplanned pregnancy, his different race, etc. (Please see above for the complete list). What did it get me? I feel just as guilty as you....AND....this is the big ending...she still made me feel as though I had failed her AND I did not get to travel, explore, or experience anything further than 30 minutes away!!! Voilà. I have argued my case. Copa, even if you HAD stayed, she could have very well still had made you feel guilty. What I do now is 'talk' to her. No, not when others are around. I do not want to be perceived as...strange. I believe in some plane of existence after death. I always have. I have been clairvoyant since middle school. It gives me the creeps. Things can happen that have no scientific explanation. But, my point is that she is still 'out there'. I talk to her and I feel better. Would I still feel better even if she was not out there? A resounding....yes! Therapists all the time tell you to write a 'letter' to the one who has wronged you. Not to be sent. But rather, for the cathartic value of the exercise. So, 'talk' with you mom. Apologize for any perceived guilt that you possess. You can even TELL her some things that you were ticked off about or possibly misjudged about. The best part is that you hold the floor. No arguing. Sometimes I can 'hear' her guilty ridden counterpoint in my mind, but that can be easily squashed! I look at model homes. I can hear her say in my mind, "What a horrible floorplan! Who decorated this home? The yard is way too small! What cheap rug!" You get the picture. Leafy was right. Your mom is always with you....your mannerisms, your way of setting people at ease, your gift if a turn of a phrase. She is still here. Whether you believe that she can 'see' you or that your love for her will NEVER go away...she is here. Converse with her. ( Just not in front of M. He will think that you have totally lost it!) I wrote on another thread about my mother's rough passing. All of the work and responsibilities was placed on me. Long story short, I was alone at 2 in the morning in the hospital and I was approached by her doctor and told that if she was not incubated within the next 2 minutes, that she would die. My directions for power of attorney was to have at least 4 doctors saying that she was terminal before I was to 'give up' on her. I could hear her say, "Don't give up on me too soon", in my mind. She suffered horribly and slowly several doctors came up to me to inform me of each subsequent organ failure. A nurse said, "I am sure glad that you are not MY DAUGHTER!" I felt horrible. I had failed my mom and had caused days of suffering in one fell swoop. After wallowing, I felt rightfully so, in a large, deep pool of guilt for years, it finally dawned on me. I had done my best. I was the only one who stayed each night well into the morning and often, over night. I spoke with all of her doctors. I did the best that I could given my directives. So, I 'talked' with my mother. I told her how sorry I was. I told her that I had never wanted her to be in pain. I told her that I loved her. Guess what? I felt as if a large weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt much, much better. Do I know if she actually 'heard' me or not? No. Does it matter? No. I felt better. Since that day, with my long apology and resolving my conflicts or feelings if guilt...I do not feel guilty about how her last days were handled. I did the best that I could. Guilt and grief are often very closely intertwined. She knows that you loved her...you still do. [/QUOTE]
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