Wise Texts from my Daughter

[Albatross]

Me: "Son is in Colorado. Checked himself into detox. Says he's going to ignore his criminal charges and just stay out of state because they won't extradite him."

Daughter: "LOL. Great idea."

Me: "I don't know how he can mess this up anymore than he has."

Daughter: "I've stopped thinking about him, Mom. He doesn't think about us. Why do you think about him?
I don't answer his texts, I don't wonder what he's doing, I just don't care anymore. Until he shows he wants to be a part of the family again, I don't need to know anything about him. I know it's hard. I know you guys want to care about him and I admire that, but I've just decided to stop letting toxic people stay in my life. Only those who make me happy and want me to be. He knows you will always care about him, but maybe the best way to show we care is to stop letting him be so toxic to the people he says he loves."

Me: "I needed that, thank you."

Daughter: "I'm glad it helped. I'm sorry we've both had to learn a thing or two about forcing someone to be in our lives who doesn't want to be."

 

[Chasejazz]

I am new here. Mostly reading other people's post because I'm still too raw to do a post that makes sense.

Your daughter said, "He knows you will always care about him, but maybe the best way to show we care is to stop letting him be so toxic to the people he says he loves."

I needed to hear that. I'll take that to bed with me and maybe I'll sleep.
Thank you.

 

[Albatross]

Welcome, Chasejazz. I hope you got some sleep. When you are ready, start a thread and tell us your story. There are some very wise souls on this forum. Keep posting and reading, it helps.

 

[Blindsided]

Your daughter is very wise, indeed. May son has said similar things to me about my 40 y/o alcoholic daughter who lives on the streets of Vegas. She was once a beautiful woman who was well cared for by wealthy men. I begged her to see the opportunities to get an education so she would never be dependent on others. It was her choices that have gotten her to where she is today. My son, her brother, is also at the point your daughter is. I look and listen to his wise advice, but deep inside, even though I know he is right, I also feel he sees things from a different perspective as a sibling. Then I realize, he needs me, he wants to see me healthy, and he deserves that! It is a roller coaster I take everyday, and I also pray to let go and Let God. Then I second guess that. The truth is, just like my daughter, I am responsible for my choices. If I choose to go on living out what little time my husband and I have left (69/72) in a way that brings joy to those who truly care about me, that's when I do best. And guess what? The outcome for my daughter's choices are going to be the same regardless of the journey I choose to take.

 

[toughlovin]

Your daughter and my daughter would hit it off right away I think.

 

[BusynMember1]

My responsible kids are thrilled that we finally stopped the games with our daughter. The enabling drove them nuts.

The only time they deal with Kay is at family affairs when she shows up andt there isnt much interaction. I cant blame them.

 

[New Leaf]

Wise words. My well children are similar, Hoku stating that her two sisters "make it difficult to love them, it hurts too much." Tornados latest episode of not showing up for her kids is the topper. Of course, I still love my two, but switching focus from the circus helps me move on to what I can control! Mahalo for sharing. It is a good reminder. We shouldn't wait for our wayward adult kids to straighten out their lives, to live ours.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Racha]

Me: "Son is in Colorado. Checked himself into detox. Says he's going to ignore his criminal charges and just stay out of state because they won't extradite him."

Daughter: "LOL. Great idea."

Me: "I don't know how he can mess this up anymore than he has."

Daughter: "I've stopped thinking about him, Mom. He doesn't think about us. Why do you think about him?
I don't answer his texts, I don't wonder what he's doing, I just don't care anymore. Until he shows he wants to be a part of the family again, I don't need to know anything about him. I know it's hard. I know you guys want to care about him and I admire that, but I've just decided to stop letting toxic people stay in my life. Only those who make me happy and want me to be. He knows you will always care about him, but maybe the best way to show we care is to stop letting him be so toxic to the people he says he loves."

Me: "I needed that, thank you."

Daughter: "I'm glad it helped. I'm sorry we've both had to learn a thing or two about forcing someone to be in our lives who doesn't want to be."

I just found this group, cannot believe it took me so long. This makes so much sense, now if only I can get to a point where I can let go enough to recognize that she isn't interested in getting healthy, she doesn't want to work at sobriety, she just wants to be a sponge. But in the meantime she's ripping the other family members apart. Thank your daughter for her wise advice, I'm going to have to work at letting go like that.

 

[JayPee]

Welcome Racha

I’ve been with this group just a couple of months. Keep coming back, aa they say in Al anon. There is no magic potion that will instantly cure all our ills here but with a healthy pattern of living (good friends, good books, prayer, meditation, possibly therapy) it will serve us to the degree we work it.

I have good days where I have nuggets of advice that comes from within and other days I feel like a failure. Often times I don’t even know if what I’m doing is right. If I’m enabling or not.

I.e. My oldest homeless son who lives in his car (that I continue to gas) went to a local food assistance stand at an outside lot. He’s been before and received perishable items. Of course he asked me to hold on to them. I expressed last time (see old posts regarding egg salad sandwiches) that I didn’t want to get looped in to meeting him every day. For me this just perpetuates my enabling. So what does he do yesterday? He gets more food but 85% of it was perishable. Now I’m the go-between again. I’m already scheduled to meet him today with some of his food. The committees in my head say. “This really isn’t too much trouble and it’s the least I can do .” Vs this is just me enabling him to continue this lifestyle of doing “nothing”.

I get so exhausted like I’m riding a roller coaster all the time.

The good thing is I know I will have better days.

 

[Beta]

I too am riding the emotional rollercoaster with our son, and the wise counsel from this post has helped me today. My husband looked at me the other night and said, "You've let yourself get dragged down into the pit again." I know he's right, but it so hard to give up the dream that if you just keep trying that "this time" will be the one thing that brings a change of heart and behavior. Praying for God's wisdom to know how to think about all this and to respond in the right way. Trying to climb out of the pit...one more time.

 

[JayPee]

I get confused at times thinking I’m heartless. I get all stuck in a thought or thoughts about what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I agree Beta with what you said in that you’re always hoping the next thing you do will be “the” thing that finally gets the momentum going for them to be successful and descent hard working healthy individuals. I pray too but then wonder if what I’m really doing is the right thing. I usually only figure it out when I feel the life getting sucked out of me. Then I realize that’s not what God wants for me. I often forget to be as compassionate and kind to myself just as I always try to be to others.

 

[ChickPea]

I get confused at times thinking I’m heartless. I get all stuck in a thought or thoughts about what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I agree Beta with what you said in that you’re always hoping the next thing you do will be “the” thing that finally gets the momentum going for them to be successful and descent hard working healthy individuals. I pray too but then wonder if what I’m really doing is the right thing. I usually only figure it out when I feel the life getting sucked out of me. Then I realize that’s not what God wants for me. I often forget to be as compassionate and kind to myself just as I always try to be to others.

Wow, this is my battle today (I mean, other days too - but today especially).

It should be reassuring that your daughter is able to protect herself, bless her heart. Siblings are not always able to do that, and can suffer some of the same pain that we parents do.

 

[200Meters]

"He knows you will always care about him, but maybe the best way to show we care is to stop letting him be so toxic to the people he says he loves."

Very well said.

 

[Beta]

JPG, I feel confused a lot of times too. Mainly about how I should think and feel.Does God want me to continue reaching out to him? Or am I being irresponsible with my own life and emotional health by continuing to reach out? I go back and forth between detaching one day and then the next day feeling like "what if I'm giving up on trying to reach him too soon?" At times I think that kind of thinking is futile and unrealistic, but it still nags at me. And I too struggle with caring and protecting my emotional health. I get pulled down to the pit of fear, guilt, grief and when it gets bad enough, that's when I realize I've got to stop it.

 

[RN0441]

Beta

I think if it's taking over your life and most of your thoughts then it is a real problem. It is not healthy for you.

 

[Beta]

RN0441, I think you're right. Trying to detach again. Spending a lot of time listening to praise music, reading Scripture, praying when I can. I don't think this is the way God wants me to live but I'm not sure what my response to our son should be right now. I think I should post an update on his current situation and our most recent interaction so I can explain why I'm so troubled and unsettled right now. Will do that as soon as I have a few minutes of time.

 

[Crayola13]

RN0441, I think you're right. Trying to detach again. Spending a lot of time listening to praise music, reading Scripture, praying when I can. I don't think this is the way God wants me to live but I'm not sure what my response to our son should be right now. I think I should post an update on his current situation and our most recent interaction so I can explain why I'm so troubled and unsettled right now. Will do that as soon as I have a few minutes of time.

Even if you aren't Catholic, I would recommend going to daily mass. Catholic churches have church everyday, which is something I didn't know because we're Protestant. Daily church will help your anxiety a great deal.

 

[JayPee]

Crayola I agree with you. I actually attend mass (Catholic) every morning before work and have done so for years. There are many graces we receive at mass and I need every little bit of help I can get to fight this battle.

 

[tamarann]

@Albatross thank you for this post! Our daughter has been our sanity through the trials of both her brothers, which I feel is also a huge burden on her. We (I) need to remember that the one child who has it all together needs as much love and attention as the ones who don't.