WORST Easter ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sue C]

We were all about to sit down to eat. Melissa said she was going to sit in the spot my mom always sits in. I told her no, grandma sits there. So then she said she wanted to sit next to husband. Angela said no, I always sit there. Melissa said no, I do and she proceeded to sit down. Then she whined that I didn't make peas and why didn't I make as much food as I do at Thanksgiving.

Angela went BEZERK!! She yelled at Melissa that she was mentally ill and acted like a baby, and Melissa yelled "I'm not f***ing eating" and stormed away from the table (she has never sworn in front of my mom before). Angela started yelling at husband and me saying she is sick of us walking on eggshells around Melissa and she will not tolerate it anymore. She went on and on and wouldn't stop. Then she said she would never forgive us for not co-signing her loans for college. Then she yelled at me that I was not considerate because I never make her a vegetarian dish like fish or try new side dishes.

I told her it is my house and my dinner. I am not about to make two main courses because she is a vegetarian. And we are not into trying new side dishes so I don't make them. Now...I did not say this to her, but do you think she could ever offer to bring something????? No, she never does. Just think, she could offer to bring a "new side dish." (sigh)

Finally, she started crying and ran into the bathroom. She came out and said she just wanted to go home (we were not even done eating). She and her husband had brought my mom (she lives an hour away but only 10 minutes from Angela). I said just leave. I'll take my mom home. So Angela and Rick left. My mom and I visited for a few hours, then I drove an hour to her house to drop her off and an hour back to get home.

What an awful, awful, awful day!! My mom said she felt like crying. I felt so bad about everything. :crying: husband says he thinks we will never hear from Angela again. I don't know what to think. I feel numb tonight.

Hope everyone else had a better Easter than I did.

p.s. I forgot to add that when I was leaving to take my mom home, Melissa came out of her bedroom and told my mom she was sorry for her crabby behavior and that she loved her. (wow--I have never gotten an apology from her!)

Sue

 

[rejectedmom]

Sue, When I was reading this I was picturing two adolecent or at best teenaged girls. I am apalled that they are adults and acted in such a horrid way to you in your mother's presence. I suggest that next holiday you and your husband just take your mom out for dinner let the girls fend for themselves. Tell them that until they can act like appreciative adults when you prepare a holiday meal you will not cook for them PERIOD!!!! -RM

 

[Hound dog]

Sue

I'm sorry the girls decided to act like feuding adolecents.

I dunno about you not hearing from Angela again, doesn't really seem serious enough for that. But I'd be sure to tell her that as long as she "requires" a special menu, she should bring some of her own dishes next time around. It is rude of her to expect you to cater to her dietary whims.

Glad Melissa decided to come out and apologize to grandma. It's not easy to admit to acting foolishly. Good for her.

I skipped cooking this holiday for 2 reasons. 1. I'm in school and bogged down with homework. And 2. since easy child has been grown I've been told every holiday some excuse why she couldn't help with the holiday dinners. Which of course laid the whole thing at my feet.

The whole family was stunned. They thought I was bluffing. lol

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #006600"> i haven't done a holiday easter dinner in about four yeas. easter is not a big deal for us. our house rule is both kids home for dinner on sunday night & one weekend day is spent a home (usually sundays).

okay, melissa's behavoir really is a good fit to the diagnosis you & husband feel is the correct one....all that focus on her. i'm glad she did apologize to her grandmother.

as for angela....would it actually be such a burden to accomodate her vegetarian lifestyle? so you have frequent full family dinners a lot? maybe if you would make her a main dish she would be willing to make a side dish....or start a new tradition now that everyone is an adult each makes a side dish....melissa, husband, & angela are each responsible for one side dish & you will handle the main entries...yes, i said entries ~~ plural. that's what i'd do at any rate.

i'm sorry the day got so out of control. i'd give everyone a month or two & call for a redo ~~~ with-the new rules in place.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[fedup]

Sorry you had a lousy day. We have toned down our holiday gatherings quite a bit since the kids are now adult. Two live out of town, one has in-laws that always overdo holidays, and difficult child doesn't care one way or the other- as long as there's plenty of food! The one thing we do is use easy cook items, and not spend hours in the kitchen.

 

[KFld]

Sorry you had such a terrible holiday. What I was reading between the lines was that Angela had just had it with the walking on eggshells and Melissas behavior and though it was not the best timeing, she just couldn't stand it anymore and blew up.

Actually I guess it didn't take reading between the lines, that is exactly what you described :smile:

Sometimes we don't realize how much we are consumed by the needs of our difficult child, that we minimize the needs of our easy child's until they just can't stand it anymore. I know there were many times I walked on eggshells and put easy child's needs 2nd, just to keep difficult child happy and unstressed so everyone else didn't get stressed.

I'm not saying this is exactly what happened, but that is what I guess I meant by reading between the lines. Sounds like she felt that difficult child was going to get her own way, sitting where she wanted with no regards to what anyone else wanted or usually does and couldn't take it anymore.

I could be totally wrong, and not that it makes Angela's reactions appropriate for a holiday dinner, but I think I would try to speak to Angela and find out what was really behind her reactions. Maybe she feels everyone bends over backwards for Melissa and all she requires is a vegeterian dish at the holidays and doesn't think it's too much to ask for.

 

[Fran]

No way will Angela not contact you again. Where will she go to free load holiday meals and presents?
Sorry Sue. Kids will act like kids until you stop treating them like kids. Next holiday assign a dish to each of the girls. They are not disabled, just self indulgent.
I can remember the first time the "adults" didn't pick up our tab for dinner. I'm a responsible adult but it's just habit that mom and dad pay until it was obvious that we were to pay our own way. I'm talking only once or twice a year meeting up with them for dinner. If it wasn't obvious to me then I'm sure it's not obvious to our difficult child's. Once we weren't expected to act like kids we stopped it and paid our own way.(we were poor newlyweds with husband in school full time).

The temper tantrums in your home with adult children are pretty over the top at times. They are like 12yr old hormonal adolescents. Do they not see they are ruining the family get together? No way would I make a separate main course for Angela. She is welcome to prepare a vegatarian Easter meal and you will put it with your meal. If you went to her house would you expect her to cook meat? by the way, why doesn't Angela host the next holiday? Just a thought.

Melissa and the seating is really a little out there. It's so juvenile and petty that I wonder if she is doing drugs but even drugs don't make you that stupid, does it?

When difficult child is itching to draw me into an argument(as he tried yesterday) I have been just saying that I won't get drawn in and ruin my day. I go to my room and shut the door. I refuse to have him turn me into a miserable person. In the upcoming years, I'm sure I will hear how I disappointed them by being miserable and crabby during the holidays. It's revisionist history by the kids who trigger the chaos.

I'm with the member who said, take mom and go somewhere without the girls. Explain that you wanted a pleasant holiday and your experience is they don't like the seating or the food so you are starting a new tradition. Take a weekend trip away with mom. It may only take one holiday to wake them up to smell the roses.

My standard line is "someday I will be dead, what will you do then? " Some kids think parents are not people with feelings and emotions. It's nonsense. We are to be tolerant but we are never to let them walk on us or demean us. We do them no favors by not holding them accountable for what comes out of their mouths.

Ask them if they had hosted a meal and you said the same things they said and acted as they acted, how would they feel? Put a mirror to their faces. Let them see who they really are to you and husband.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Sue,
I totally agree with RM and Fran. Please, please do take RM's suggestion for the next holiday--maybe Mother's Day? You and husband and your mom go out together--make it clear you are not tolerating another holiday like this Easter. I also think Angela couldn't take it anymore--this walking on eggshells thing--she does have a point but she way overreacted.

Glad holiday is over for you!!

Hugs,
Jane

 

[Sunlight]

angela is fed up with melissa and her problems. angela feels neglected as the attention is always on melissa.

I have vegan nieces. we always make some side dish for them (cheese pierogies, vege lasagne, or something like that)

however, you could suggest to angela that she bring some dish she makes so you can see what she likes.

the kids are no longer kids. stop having the dinners or make them be adults.

 

[Sue C]

RM -- Last night I did tell husband that we're not having family holiday dinners anymore. I told him that we could take my mom out to brunch (which I know he hates to do 'cuz everywhere is so crowded on holidays). Anyway, that is how I feel at the moment. husband said I probably don't have to worry anyway; he says Angela and Rick will probably never come around again.

Lisa -- I agree with you that it is rude of Angela to expect me to make special dishes just for her. She had to rub it in my face that Rick's dad (he does the cooking in their house) makes a special entree just for her (but admitted the whole family also eats it). Well, every Thanksgiving that Rick and Angela have eaten here, I make Rick his favorite side dish, even though none of us eat it. I wanted him to feel special and accepted when they got married. I feel that that may be why Rick's dad does that for Angela. Regarding Angela's dietary needs, one year she did bring her own fish on Thanksgiving and cooked it and stunk up my kitchen, ruining the aroma of the turkey!!

Kris -- No, we do not have frequent full family dinners. We actually only have them at Easter and Thanksgiving, and now that Rick's parents live back in Wisconsin, we will only "get" Angela and Rick every other year (that is, if they ever come over again to eat). The thing about making Angela something special is that husband and I do not like fish. We do not like the smell of it. We do not know how to cook it. I do not think it is fair of Angela to think I would make fish. For our last family gathering, I offered to make shrimp and she said she was tired of shrimp. That was my attempt and she didn't like my suggestion. In the past, I had bought frozen veggie burgers for her, but she said she was sick of them. I always put out cheese slices and boiled eggs for her. As far as waiting for a month or two and doing a redo, I don't see it happening. But I do want to cool down and give her a call in about a month. I know she is not one to apologize.

Fedup -- I think easy to cook foods are the way to go. That is why we buy a spiral ham. You just heat it in the oven and it is very tender and delicious.

Fran -- Oh, I'm sure Angela will expect birthday and Christmas presents. You are right in that I should assign Angela a dish. by the way, about the paying for a meal thing, when we go out for a birthday meal, husband and I always pay the bill no matter if it's Angela's or my or husband's birthday. I agree with you in not making Angela her own special meal. If I went to her house for dinner, I would not expect meat. (she has never invited us to dinner in the 5-1/2 years they are married but she has had Melissa over and she only served vegetarian meals) No, I am certain Melissa is not doing drugs. She was trying to sit next to husband. First on the one side where my mom always sits. Then on the other side of him. It was like she had to be by husband for some reason. Hmmmm...she doesn't have a boyfriend right now; could that have something to do with it? I probably should not have engaged with Angela, but there we were at the table eating (barely begun eating) so I wasn't about to walk away. I have been walking away from Melissa lately. I like what you said, Fran: "Ask them if they had hosted a meal and you said the same things they said and acted as they acted, how would they feel? Put a mirror to their faces. Let them see who they really are to you and husband." I will try this.

Jane -- I would like to just take my mom to brunch and forget about the girls. (I do feel bad for my son in law. He is the sweetest guy.)

Janet -- I did tell Angela that if she wanted something vegetarian, she would have to bring it herself 'cuz I was not making anything. Maybe that was not worded kindly enough??

I don't think Melissa and Angela understand the meaning of gathering on a special holiday. It's not about what food you eat. It's about getting together and spending time with the ones you love. That's how I feel anyway.

p.s. They brought along their 70 lb Weinereimer puppy which was running around and slurping water from the dog's water dish which made the floor all wet which made muddy foot prints in the kitchen and making me crazy. No one cared about that. I told husband I will NOT dogsit that dog like we used to dogsit their cocker spaniel. He can go to a dog kennel. husband says I'll change my mind....but that dog is going to get to 100 lb. Forget it!! (OK, I digressed, sorry.)

Sue

 

[Suz]

Wow, I am certainly in the minority here.

When I invite someone to my home who has special dietary requirements (and being a vegetarian to me is a special dietary requirement) I try to accommodate them.

I would absolutely have made something that everyone would have enjoyed that fit into Angela's needs, too. If that means two entrees, it means two entrees.

I am allergic to shellfish. What you described would be like inviting me to dinner and then serving lobster. You would know I was allergic but disregarded my dietary requirements anyway and I would be left only eating green bean casserole and mashed potatoes. You get my drift.

And honestly, I would be even more hurt if my needs were disregarded by my own family. :sad:

Plus, remember that you took no guff from Angela at all when she was a difficult child- you kicked her out of your house never to return- and you "walk on eggshells" (as those before me have described) around Melissa. Yep, I can absolutely see why Angela had a major hissy.

That said...obviously Easter dinner was not an appropriate time for her feelings to gush out but even though she behaved badly (as did Melissa), I guess I understand it.

I hope you work it out.

Suz

 

[Sue C]

Suz -- This morning husband is saying that maybe we could figure out what Angela likes to eat and make it, so he is in agreement with you. I understand your shellfish analogy and I certainly would not serve shellfish to someone allergic to it. And if I knew someone was diabetic, I would ask them how I needed to accommodate them.

I think the problem is that Angela loved meat until she turned 16. She came to the dinner table one night and announced, "I'm a vegetarian now." It was so strange. It was like a thing just to be different. So I guess I'm still thinking of her as this KID who "should be eating meat" and "why can't she just eat meat like everyone else in the family" and "why is she being stubborn to be different." I'm not thinking of her as a guest or an adult, just my kid. My fault, I guess.

Yes, we have been walking on eggshells with Melissa, but I've been reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and am starting to learn and put into practice what I learn so I don't walk on eggshells anymore.

Last night there was a moment when I wished I had never had either daughter 'cuz life would have been so much easier. I hate when that thought pops into my head. Makes me feel guilty as heck.

Sue

 

[catwoman]

I have to agree with Suz on the food issue. My daughter is a recovering bulimic and still has food issues. Even though I have a hard time understanding her way of thinking, I make sure there's something I know she'll feel comfortable eating whenever we have get togethers (Which isn't very often).

My ex-mother-in-law was a big fan of veal which I won't eat under any circumstances, I hate it. Whenever we had a family dinner and she planned on making veal she never made anything I could enjoy. It make me feel terrible that she didn't care enough about me to do this and I had to bring my own food.

 

[Suz]

Sue, Melissa is 27 years old. That means that she has been a vegetarian for 11 years- this is not something she just decided to do to get attention.

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Whenever we had a family dinner . . . she never made anything I could enjoy. It make me feel terrible that she didn't care enough about me to do this and I had to bring my own food. </div></div>

Bingo!

Suz

 

[Sue C]

catwoman -- I understand where you are coming from. My background is so different, though. My mother-in-law always insisted we come to THEIR house for every holiday dinner....and we did! My mom does not like to cook so she was OK with it. I take after my mom and do not like to cook and don't know how to cook very well. Anyway, my mother-in-law always made spaghetti for Thanksgiving. I would have liked turkey but never said a word and just put up with it. husband never said a word, either (of course, that is what he grew up with). I knew that was just the way his mom was. Finally, about 8 years ago, we said we were going to start having our own Thanksgiving dinner with turkey and invited my parents.

Suz -- I know, 11 years is a long time and Angela is an adult. I should get over her being a vegetarian and be sensitive to her needs.

Nomad -- Angela is not a big veggie eater.

I cook simple meals and again, I do think a holiday gathering should be about getting together with the ones you love and not be all about the food you eat. Just my humble opinion.

Sue

 

[Suz]

Sue, there is no question that the holidays should be celebrated for the holiday but there is no question that food plays into the ambiance and our memories of events.

Since you hate to cook and your family has different preferences, going out to dinner seems like a good compromise.

OR, how about making that spaghetti your mother in law made, only have 2 sauces---one a marinara (or alfredo) and one a meat sauce. Everything else remains the same so it would be very little extra effort- heck, you could just buy the canned stuff and no one would probably know the difference...and everyone would be happy.

If spaghetti isn't your bag, I'm sure there's something else that could be easily adapted.

Suz

 

[Sue C]

Suz -- Well, the two kinds of sauces and spaghetti would solve everything. :smile: I do love ham at Easter, though. husband and I are so set in our ways. Ham at Easter and turkey at Thanksgiving. But.....making Angela meatless spaghetti sauce along with our ham (or turkey) might work, or would that be weird???

I know there is also cheese lasagna, but I don't even know how to make a meat lasagna. I need cooking lessons. Someone volunteered awhile back for me to fly out to their house for a few days. Can't remember who it was.

p.s. I never thought I'd like going out to dinner, but that is also a thought.

Sue

 

[Suz]

So have everyone over the Sunday before Easter and serve spaghetti....then you and husband go out for ham on Easter Sunday. :smile:

Or do the combo spaghetti/marinara sauce and baked ham. We're too old to worry if there are any "rules" about menus anyway. The aim is to enjoy each other's company and share the feast.

I always enjoy meals where everyone contributes something. There's no reason why the girls (and your Mom) couldn't bring something but I would not ask any of them to provide an entree. So you could do the ham and spaghetti and they could do the sides and/or dessert and/or appetizers and/or whatever.

Hey, flexibility is key here!

Suz

 

[Lothlorien]

I think she would be perfectly thrilled if you made her spaghetti on Easter. It's easy and fits with her meal. Who cares if it's not the traditional thing......Are we, as difficult child parents, traditional? Haven't we had to adapt along the way?

Perhaps you can ask her to bring dessert or salad to the next family function and you will make her spaghetti.

 

[DammitJanet]

You can buy the stouffers frozen veggie lasagnas now that are really good.

As far as fish goes, they have frozen entres of those too. It doesnt have to be difficult.

Simple meatless baked spaghetti is good. Or baked manicotti. Stuffed shells. Many things.