Your Thoughts ... Please

[DaisyC1234]

It's been a while since I've posted.. I like the new look of the site .
A few things have happened since I last posted. Mar's dad has filed for full custody with my daughter only getting supervised visits. She hasn't see her in about 3 months. We helped him pay for a paralegal to fill out the paperwork to get it done and quickly. My daughter was coming back from one of her 2 week hiatus that seems to do every couple of months. She has not filed a response, I don't think she will. We have not received a reaction from her in regards to the supervised visits. My granddaughter says she misses her mom and gets sad and it breaks my heart and hurts me so much to hear that from a 3 almost 4 year old.

Dad did mention to her that she could visit with her to which her response was "really" then he never heard from her again, that was about a month ago. My mom, who likes to but in, kind of my mistake on this one, says I should tell her that she Mar misses her and it would be nice if she could visit with her. I honestly don't want her, my daughter, here at my home, so I initially ask my mom is she would be open to my daughter visiting Mar at her apartment, that was my mistake.

What would you do? My take is that she's a grown woman and why should I have to say that she needs to visit with her daughter. Last message she sent me on FB was "Don't ever talk to me again", so I haven't sent her any messages, that was 2 months ago. Should I send my daughter a message saying Mar misses her or should I just leave it alone and if she wishes to see her she should make more of an effort to do so. My husband says why should we have to go to her and do this for her and I think he's kind of right. She should be making more of an effort to see her. She doesn't even make an effort to call her at the very least.

Thanks everyone. I hope everyone is well and safe.

 

[Copabanana]

Daisy. I think I agree with you, as I understand your post, that it's better to leave it alone. If it were me I would not ask my daughter to visit her daughter. What good would come of it? Your granddaughter more than anybody knows her mother. I think she doesn't want to see her. Your daughter is not a good mother right now and has nothing positive to give her daughter, as long as she is living as she is. I don't think it's your mother's business to get involved. I would try to ignore her. Missing her mother is one thing. Of course she misses that she has a caring, loving, safe and protective mother. She knows her mother is not that. That's why she didn't take her Dad up on his offer. Again, I would leave it alone.

 

[runawaybunny]

It's been a while since I've posted.. I like the new look of the site .
A few things have happened since I last posted. Mar's dad has filed for full custody with my daughter only getting supervised visits. She hasn't see her in about 3 months. We helped him pay for a paralegal to fill out the paperwork to get it done and quickly. My daughter was coming back from one of her 2 week hiatus that seems to do every couple of months. She has not filed a response, I don't think she will. We have not received a reaction from her in regards to the supervised visits. My granddaughter says she misses her mom and gets sad and it breaks my heart and hurts me so much to hear that from a 3 almost 4 year old.

Dad did mention to her that she could visit with her to which her response was "really" then he never heard from her again, that was about a month ago. My mom, who likes to but in, kind of my mistake on this one, says I should tell her that she Mar misses her and it would be nice if she could visit with her. I honestly don't want her, my daughter, here at my home, so I initially ask my mom is she would be open to my daughter visiting Mar at her apartment, that was my mistake.

What would you do? My take is that she's a grown woman and why should I have to say that she needs to visit with her daughter. Last message she sent me on FB was "Don't ever talk to me again", so I haven't sent her any messages, that was 2 months ago. Should I send my daughter a message saying Mar misses her or should I just leave it alone and if she wishes to see her she should make more of an effort to do so. My husband says why should we have to go to her and do this for her and I think he's kind of right. She should be making more of an effort to see her. She doesn't even make an effort to call her at the very least.

Thanks everyone. I hope everyone is well and safe.

That's a complicated situation... I'm so sorry you are in that place where you really have no way to influence your daughter. It seems as if she has a lot of very serious issues going on that have nothing to do with you.

In my humble opinion your daughter needs to figure her life out, on her own.

You are communicating with your granddaughter and that is very important for both of you. Seems like a good relationship to be grateful for and focus your attention on.

 

[Deni D]

Daisy ~ This is so sad for you granddaughter, and all involved. As sad as it is it seems it probably is best for your granddaughter to get used to not having your daughter as her mom, at least for now. If people push your daughter to be in your granddaughter's life it seems it will be only here and there and will be more confusing, and rejecting for your granddaughter. It seems to me the best you can do is to work to being or getting another woman to be a strong, stable woman for her to attach to and look up to as she grows up.

Your daughter may or may not step up in the future, but there's nothing anyone but she can do to make that happen.

 

[KTMom91]

I was in a similar situation with Miss KT and her father. He moved, several times, and was generally absent her entire growing up years. Miss KT, now 28, has just about had enough of her father and his efforts at contact, even though he makes the attempt now that she is an adult. Even though it is heartbreaking to see the kids cry for (and about) their absent parent, my advice is to let Mar know that you wish things were different, but you don't know why her mom does what she does. Don't lie to Mar, and don't contact your daughter saying Mar misses her. Your daughter needs to give a damn, and right now she doesn't seem to.

During one of my conversations with Miss KT, she thanked me for not lying to her about her father as she was growing up. She said she knew she could count on me, even though we had our moments. Be that honest person, that rock, for Mar.

 

[ksm]

I would not suggest visiting her daughter. At least, not until she reaches out to you and shows signs of improvement.

She knows she has a daughter...and needs no reminders. But that's me. We adopted our two grands and we allowed supervised (by us) visits from the mom. Nothing is worse than watching young children stand in front of the front window, waiting for someone who doesn't show up. Or, showing up and making promises that they will never keep. Ksm

 

[MissLulu]

Daisy, I just came on here to post about the complicated feelings I have when my son contacts me, when I saw your post. I think for mothers like us we are so scarred from our previous interactions with our kids that it simply isn't worth the risk of inviting contact unnecessarily. It is your daughter's responsibility to check on her daughter. And if she isn't the one to initiate contact will she be reliable enough to turn up? How will she behave when she is with Mar? If it were me, I would leave it be.

 

[louise2350]

After reading your post, Daisy, it's sort of cleared things up for me that I've been pondering over a lot. My disconnected daughter hasn't spoken to me or had any contact with me in over 5 years, due to a very foolish thing - I expressed my opinion over something she posted on fb which I didn't like. This was over 5 years ago. She told me not to ever contact her, etc. It's hard to believe that this is the way she responds to over a private message I sent her on fb . She has lied about me and made up stories that never happened since her estrangement towards me. I think these lies have to do with she can't tell people we were communicating fine until I privately messaged her on fb over some post she made. People would say that's ridiculous for her to hold a grudge over a message from me which is true. So, instead of telling the truth,she makes up lies. I've written several e-mails and tried calling this d.d. over this situation, but she ignores me. What has been bothering me though, is that my two other daughters won't or haven't said anything to this d.d. over her having nothing to do with me. I feel somewhat betrayed by the other two. I was wondering am I wrong feeling this? After reading the posts to your post, maybe it is best that they stay out of it since it doesn't really involve them, but still it would make me feel better if I had some kind of support over all of this. I have kept my feelings over the other two daughters not saying anything to the d.d. to myself. .This d.d.'s father had told me a while back when this d.d. first dismissed me from her life that he would never ever correct this daughter over anything because he knows the reaction she would have. She holds grudges. This d.d. has a drinking problem which probably contributes to her thinking and actions. She is a functional alcoholic. I do hope your situation improves for all involved.

 

[JMom]

Hi Daisy,
I do agree with the others that the situation is better left alone, as it may instill false hope and disappointment for your grand. Take care of yourself and continue to be a good role model and support system for your Grand. It will be part of her understanding that she cannot control other people, only her response and self care.
Best of warm wishes,
JMOM

 

[DaisyC1234]

Everyone on here is so great! We have all been through so much and its great to have some else to vent to or speak to that understands.

So, I left it alone, but it was really strange as my daughter actually called me yesterday asking if my dad could pickup Grace so that the sisters could see each other, the both have different dads. We had a wonderful visit with both sisters together, I hadn't seen the baby for about 2 months, she seemed to feel comfortable with us and didn't cry at all. She literally hugged her sister and I was crying like a baby. I was so happy and I missed the baby so much, as we all did.

So after we were done visiting she wanted Mar to stay the night with her. She was at my cousins home and they have two small children. She said she called Mar's dad and he said it was ok, but not trusting her I messaged Mar's dad to make sure and he said it was ok for tonight and he would pick her up tomorrow from the cousins home and I gave him the address. Not sure what's going on with Grace's dad, I don't trust what he says at all. Them two have a toxic relationship with the on again, off again.

To put my mind at ease I'll probably text dad later to see if he was able to pickup Mar. I just feel like I won't ever see the two of them again and it's gut wrenching and heartbreaking for me, so today has been an emotional day.

On good note, my Cass was accepted to CMU (Central Methodist University, MO) to attend college full tuition paid. She qualified for some monies on FASFA and that will offset room and board. I am so sad that she is leaving but so happy for her and her journey. We will drive cross country next month to drop her off at school. I told my husband it will be like someone died for a few days. She will be playing golf for them, she did get a local scholarship, but because of COVID they cancelled all sports for 20-21 and she really wants to play golf. She such an amazing kid and I'm so proud of her. Orion was accepted into the Fire Science dual program through his high school and I am so excited for him. Now if I can just get through this chapter in my life. I feel like this other situation just over shadows everything.

I am truly grateful for everyone on her and I appreciate you!!