12 yo with ADHD & ODD stealing and leaving house without permission

[paperblue]

I came across this site after looking up what to do when your preteen leaves the house without permission. While he currently has ADHD & ODD, it is very concerning he is inching his way up to getting a Conduct Disorder diagnosis if things don't improve soon. He also has life threatening medical conditions, which increase safety risk when he leaves home without permission.

Essentially, escalating since 10yo, he gets into anything and everything he wants from sneaking food and electronics to outright stealing money and belongings from everyone in house. He'll even wake himself up in the middle of the night to "prowl" while everyone is asleep. He is constantly disruptive in class and has had recent suspensions. It appears he may steal outside of the home as well. He lies and is verbally abusive when he doesn't like what he hears. He is of the mentality all privleges and freedoms should be given to him upfrnt vs the need to earn them. He is also very smart and can get around almost anything we lock up. He will break open a safe, hack into parental controls etc. He rarely shows remorse for anything, but every once in a blue moon expresses wanting to do better. He can be extremely sweet, affectionate and charming, but his general demeanor is a mix of funny, silly and grumpy.

We have done just about everything under the sun to help from calm to more tough love parenting. We have gotten him many medications that have not helped, counseling, used behavioral reward systems, and even called the police when we couldn't find him and had him hospitalized (not suicidal, but due to behaviors cause increased risk to self).

When he leaves the house, he may or may not tell us where he is going and if he goes, it seems he is just around neighborhood with friends or at a nearby store. He is fully aware he may not leave the house without permission, but takes what he wants when he wants and does what he wants when he wants, leaving us with very little leverage. We have done the chased him down to bring him home, blocked him from leaving or let him go and hope for the best. For those who have been there, done that with this sort of thing, what do you suggest/what has been successful? We want him safe and we expect kids to follow rules and not leave the house without permission, but in our area "running away" is not illegal, yet obeying parents is also a law so that kind of conflicts and he knows it and uses it to do what he wants. Aside from energy drinks he gets from friends, there is no known drug use, but is sneaking behavior is almost like an addiction it seems. He also is rarely aggressive but cussed his dad out and kicked him when prevented from leaving again earlier this week. It is incredibly hard to live like this, especially with multiple kids and balancing the "health" or best interests of all.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Hello paper blue and welcome, so very sorry you have to deal with this. To me it all comes down to what you will allow, setting boundaries as to what you will not tolerate in your household. If he keeps on this path I foresee lots of jail time in his future and also escalating issues that need to be nipped in the bud now before things get worse. You commented that you have tried everything under the sun to control him. I do not know what area you are from but here in Florida we have homes for children such as these. You must have records from the time you have called the cops that would be a great start to show his behavior. He may also benefit spending time in juvenile detention for stealing to wake him up hopefully. Some of these things are very difficult for a parent to even consider putting your child through but, must be done again to hopefully make him see your not fooling around, you will take action and no longer tolerate such behavior. Working with counselors at his school is a great place to start and they can be very helpful in determining what to do with him. Here, some children are placed for 30 days and then released back home. If your school counselor is no help I would start calling around and gathering information on places or persons that could further assist you.

Take it from me, my daughters 32 years old, schizophrenic and in jail…yet again. I have only come to the conclusion that if I do not take control of the situation, there will be the same results.

 

[Crayola14]

Why is he sneaking food? What is going on with that?

 

[mindinggaps]

@paperblue I'm not a parent, but rather an adult living with ODD who displayed similar issues as a child. It is an extremely challenging situation but there is hope. I am living a high quality of life right now so please continue to do the best for your son since a positive outcome is still possible with the correct interventions at this stage.

You mentioned that you've tried many medications. What is your son currently taking? Are his medications managed by a specialist? The reality is that for ODD diagnosis, medication is absolutely essential. However, it is not easy to get right and typically requires a complex mix of different classes including antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers and stimulants. Don't be afraid to be aggressive with his medications since each of these can target a different aspect of the dysfunctional behavior you are seeing. Quality psychiatric care is essential here though since building an effective cocktail for ODD is not easy. I've been medicated since I was 4 years old and the cocktail still requires some fine tuning and adjustments. If you can get a child psychiatrist that is the best place to start. I recognize that depending on where you this may be easier said than done.

Outside of medications, is he seeing a therapist? Early intervention with therapy can be helpful. The fact that he expresses that he wants to do better indicates there is still hope here. He knows his behavior is dysfunctional but cannot control it. This is what it means to have ODD.

Do the best you can to be patient with him. It is not easy but responding with aggression to someone with ODD will only make things worse. You cannot do this alone and he needs specialized help, but your son is by no means headed down a one way path yet.

 

[paperblue]

Months later and I am now seeing this when I searched for the stealing issue again. Shortly after my initial post, it appeared I got no responses, so I left the site until now. A very belated thank you to the responses. I don't know if I should start a new thread since it is months later, but will try here first. He rarely is sneaking out or leaving without permission anymore, so that is something I guess. The amount of suspensions have increased. He has also tried to break open another safe and stolen from family, so now we all have keyed locks as he will sell his siblings' things too. He is threatening to retaliate now that all of the people he steals from in the house have locks on their doors. I've helped him as much as I can reasonably and will still help, but not as much because he has to want to help himself. We even bought a program that helps train parents to manage these behaviors. He initially improved a lot, but once school let back in, not one single day of following basic rules of not stealing, respect boundaries.

To answer a few of the above questions/statements. Yes. We did counseling and other psychiatric treatment. Yes. We have called police and are willing to call the police if he gets to the point of serious threat of harm and perhaps steals a large ticket item. Why does he sneak food? This is a common kid and teen issue. I assume they do it to eat copious amounts of sugar that parents limit. He goes well beyond normal sneaking of food though. He has taken all the main breakfast food, leaving other kids without before school (of course they got something, but were not happy he kept taking everyone's food), he even took parts of their school lunches, creating chaos on school mornings, leaving kids without lunch and parents to have to rush to fix more, would drink multiple sodas without permission and act really bad at home and school. We had to lock certain food items up to ensure everyone would have food. Even if I shared my nightly snack with him, he'd go back and eat the whole package. Nothing is off limits: food, valuables etc. We live in a prison and he is our jailor. We've just added locks to bedrooms so we and other kids' can protect their things. It is incredibly hard to live like this and I hate that the other kids live with images of locks and worry how this impacts how they view things (ex if our food is not locked, he will take it, if we don't lock an electronic or "treasure," he will sell it). It isn't good nor healthy for any of us, but he refuses to be good for even 1 day to earn his things back. I fear his wrath from the new locks though. I love him so much and worry what he is doing to us and his own life-future. It is hard when a kid has a disability, such as ADHD to know what is disability vs choice---meaning determining where the line is and what are reasonable expectations.

 

[Copabanana]

I am sorry. I did not see your initial post until now. I am glad you checked back.

He rarely is sneaking out or leaving without permission anymore, so that is something I guess. T

How did this change?

He is threatening to retaliate

How is he threatening to retaliate? This is serious. You need to know whether he has a plan and/or means of retaliation in mind, for his safety and well-being and that of the family. If he is contemplating aggressive or violent means this requires urgent action.

We live in a prison and he is our jailor.

I respect mindingaps a great deal. I trust mg. I pray that a pharmacological cocktail can work.

At the same time no child should be allowed to dominate and terrorize a family in this way. Even putting aside the damage to your other children and your family, it's horrible for your son. I would do anything I can to find the best child psychiatrist and neuropsychologist I can. I suggest the Child Development Center at a Regional Children's Hospital. He needs a comprehensive neuropsychological exam. There will be a team consisting of the child neurologist, a child neuropsychologist, a child psychiatrist, and a social worker, at minimum. I also suggest looking into a child behavioral consultant who will come into the family home and do a behavioral analysis and plan for everybody. If all of this is prescribed by your pediatrician, who makes referrals, insurance should pay.

Right now your son is in a terrible spot. He holds way too much power. At the same time, he is understandably both the target and the source of great resentment. I don't need to tell you how NOT GOOD this is for him. Something is driving this that he does not understand and can't control. That seems clear. I would leave no stone unturned in terms of professional help. I hope insurance will pay for it.

Do you have an IEP? My son for years went to out-of-district programs, paid for by the school district. That was for ADHD. I suggest you find a child advocate who can help you push the school district find,fund and transport your son to a specialized program to support his needs. That's what I did. They hate it but it's federal law and they have to meet your son's needs, if he qualifies. I went to a Disability Rights organization to get help for my son. They supplied me with a free attorney who went with us several times to the IEP meetings.. It worked for us. Until everything fell apart when my son became an adult.

If way down the road he does not respond if it was me, I would consider out-of-home placement. There are marvelous residential programs for children. Your son CANNOT for his own good, win this battle. If he wins, he loses. He's too young to see this. But you are not there yet. I pray it won't get this far. Some positive change has happened. How? Why? What? That's what we need to figure out.

such as ADHD

Nothing you've described sounds like ADHD. (I mean, he may have ADHD, I don't doubt that. But what you describe is way beyond that. He may be in real distress and not know how to communicate this.

 

[paperblue]

Thank you for the responses.

He def. has ADHD and more and more it appears, CD, hence why I came to this site when I started suspecting that. He has a school plan for his ADHD. I'm like a mama bear advocate when it comes to school and ensuring he receives services. They tried to throw him out, but I was able to keep him in. He acts completely obnoxious at school, so I get why they don't like him or want him there, but I see it as he can't help it because of his disability and part he makes horrible choices, not caring about the impact it has on others or whose boundaries he violates.

He has been to a counselor, psychiatrists, hospital and a nuerologist.

Retaliate how? Either he has dropped that idea or we are sitting ducks as to what he has planned, but I mostly do not think it is anything violent. He does not tend to usually be physically aggressive. His MO is more torture by being super obnoxious and hyper, demanding, stealing, throwing things in the air repeatedly to make you worry he will break them, screaming and possibly cussing and insults. His threat was non specific. Maybe he will open evryone's Christmas gifts. Who knows? He basically said that if you thought whatever I did the other week was bad (climbing out of 2nd story windows, climbing up and down the lower half of the roof, return back to leaving the house whenever he wanted, absolute refusal of any chore etc.) you just wait sort of thing. Certain windows are now locked. The past two mornings while we were asleep he's been mixing baking soda and vinegar and food coloring in the sink. His mind is constantly going and he is often into everything. His medication (along with behavioral techniques when he "allows" them) gives us some relief as it slows him down and is sedating. If it weren't for his medication, he'd be up again every morning at 2 or 3a prowling the house, getting into more things, possibly getting harmed and certainly being exhausted and act out more at school.

What has improved and why? Not leaving the house whenever he wants without permission until the one bad week he was threatened to get kicked out of school. It improved because we called the police on him months ago. When he restarted it recently, it improved again when I told him I won and he can stay in school. He also resumed doing his chores.

 

[paperblue]

To give another perspective, he is rather popular at school due to him taking the whole class clown character to another level. Kids are entertained by him, which reinforces the bad behaviors and likely increases his self-esteem. Unlike the summer, when we had his behaviors under good control and he could earn candy (don't like using food, but was advised to do this as it is a big motivator) or electronics, he has no need because he has constant access to Internet at school and kids give him junk food and caffeine all day, decreasing our "power" and his desire to earn.