I think that we can do both. They can learn copying skills, as I did.
One does not prevent the other : we can learn copying skills, but if I am asked unrealistic expectations, copying skills are useless.
Within the time, we can ask me more things. But there are demands that I will be hyper unlikely able to meet, like going to a crowded show for three days without any meltdown.
I think more as a team work. I learn copying skills, but you (my parents) make also compromises. Giving-giving.
I also see an advantage to it, as incredible as it seems. A child learns by seeing what you do (or not do). If you make compromise, you teach him to make compromises.
It doesn't mean to give up your values, or to give up any important boundaries. It's learning them but in a different way than what "normal" parent would do for their "so perfect children perfectly succeeding everywhere".
I learnt all this with... my GP. Does it mean that she does not set boundaries ? Of course she does. But some boundaries are essential, whereas others are more a "problem of wanting to be a perfect parent" as I say. Sometimes, we believe that there is a problem because the others tell us that there is a problem. But if we look carefully and with objectivity, we find out that it's not a problem, except for the others. Like is it such a matter of life and death that I wear mismatching shirts and pants to go to the supermarket to buy a pack of milk ? It would be great to be better dressed, but there is no matter of life and death.
On the other hand, no hitting is a major issue, as it deals with safety.
But it's choosing your priorities. Otherwise, it's draining, and you spend a lot of energy for no result but anger and resentment.
Copying skills are a long road run learning. It doesn't happen overnight. And even after learning them, we may not be able to use them (medication changes, for example).
Everyone has to make efforts. But if I can make my home life more manageable by not trying to make every issue a matter of life and death, I gain a lot of serenity and everyone gains a lot of serenity.
To take back my now 7 years old stepbrother, I didn't give up the goals of cleaning up his toys and helping for the meal.
But I didn't make it a power struggle, which goes nowhere.
1) I rephrased to him what I wanted. "Cleaning up his toys" was too general, so no matter how often I repeat it, it's like speaking Greek to him whereas he does not know Greek. I asked him to "put his toys in the box, please". More specific request = more understandable request = more likely to comply. He was 5 or 6 yo at this time.
I thank him to have done it, even when grumpy.
2) He had to hep for the meal. But instead of fighting to make him set the table, I gave him the choice between setting the table and mashing the potatoes. He set the table.
And I emphasized the congratulations.
In both of these cases, I didn't give up my goal. I just avoided power struggles. Well, dad and his wife were both speechless that it happened without any fight or meltdown.
One does not prevent the other : we can learn copying skills, but if I am asked unrealistic expectations, copying skills are useless.
Within the time, we can ask me more things. But there are demands that I will be hyper unlikely able to meet, like going to a crowded show for three days without any meltdown.
I think more as a team work. I learn copying skills, but you (my parents) make also compromises. Giving-giving.
I also see an advantage to it, as incredible as it seems. A child learns by seeing what you do (or not do). If you make compromise, you teach him to make compromises.
It doesn't mean to give up your values, or to give up any important boundaries. It's learning them but in a different way than what "normal" parent would do for their "so perfect children perfectly succeeding everywhere".
I learnt all this with... my GP. Does it mean that she does not set boundaries ? Of course she does. But some boundaries are essential, whereas others are more a "problem of wanting to be a perfect parent" as I say. Sometimes, we believe that there is a problem because the others tell us that there is a problem. But if we look carefully and with objectivity, we find out that it's not a problem, except for the others. Like is it such a matter of life and death that I wear mismatching shirts and pants to go to the supermarket to buy a pack of milk ? It would be great to be better dressed, but there is no matter of life and death.
On the other hand, no hitting is a major issue, as it deals with safety.
But it's choosing your priorities. Otherwise, it's draining, and you spend a lot of energy for no result but anger and resentment.
Copying skills are a long road run learning. It doesn't happen overnight. And even after learning them, we may not be able to use them (medication changes, for example).
Everyone has to make efforts. But if I can make my home life more manageable by not trying to make every issue a matter of life and death, I gain a lot of serenity and everyone gains a lot of serenity.
To take back my now 7 years old stepbrother, I didn't give up the goals of cleaning up his toys and helping for the meal.
But I didn't make it a power struggle, which goes nowhere.
1) I rephrased to him what I wanted. "Cleaning up his toys" was too general, so no matter how often I repeat it, it's like speaking Greek to him whereas he does not know Greek. I asked him to "put his toys in the box, please". More specific request = more understandable request = more likely to comply. He was 5 or 6 yo at this time.
I thank him to have done it, even when grumpy.
2) He had to hep for the meal. But instead of fighting to make him set the table, I gave him the choice between setting the table and mashing the potatoes. He set the table.
And I emphasized the congratulations.
In both of these cases, I didn't give up my goal. I just avoided power struggles. Well, dad and his wife were both speechless that it happened without any fight or meltdown.
