Your story is very common here and it has one meaning: Drugs. The stealing is for drug money. You assume your son is just using pot, but that's unlikely if he is stealing. I lived with this too. I have a daughter who used drugs and I also thought it was just pot. After she quit, she gave me the list: alcohol (lots), pot, meth, psychodelics, ADHD drugs crushed in a pillcrusher and snorted alone or with cocaine, a few tries of heroin (luckily she did not get addicted to THAT), and the fun goes on. I had no idea it had been that bad. She also stole from us, but in our case it was a little here, a little there. We don't have much to steal.
She was nineteen when we made her leave. My two younger kids were starting to be afraid of her and especially when the cops came calling. She was lucky that her brother, who is kind of a jerk but very straight, allowed her to live in his basement, but his rules were stricter than ours and he had a one strike you're out rule and that included cigarettes. Since she was sure he'd abide by his own rigid morals she actually quit in his basement, bo there is hope but it requires being tough.
None of us decided, "I think I'll make my child leave today." We told our adult kids, "We have rules here and to live here, which you are free to do, you have to follow our rules. These rules are not hard to follow. Just don't do anything illegal or endanger yourself or others (stealing is illegal and so is drug use and it's disrespectful to the max to do it in YOUR home). Son or Daugher, we expect you to work full time if you don't go to school as well. We don't feel we should support you anymore if you are not in college and passing your classes. We expect you to help with chores in a reasonable way and we expect you to treat us the same way we treat you. That's it! If you can follow those rules, you can live here."
The way I look at it, they made a decision not to live in our home. They decided their illegal activities, drugs, criminal peers and other issues like following the law was too restrictive for their taste and they reneged on the few and sensible rules we set down that would allow them to live in our home. Then they have the ungodly gall to blame us for being bad parents because we don't want them to do illegal things in our house, swear at us, sometimes assault us, steal from us, quit drugs or get a job. How dare us! Yet most young adults seem to be able to follow those rules without any problem.
Our adult children are different. They are defiant. They feel entittled. They do not want to follow societal rules so they get into trouble, not just with us, but often with the law. They feel they should be financially supported by us for life. And while we pay for all their toys, food, housing, etc. theys hould be allowed to live however they like, without rules. We have some adult kids who shoot drugs in their arms in our homes. But our home is OUR home, OUR place of peace, OUR sanctuary.
Your son is cold? I doubt it as there is a strong community for the homeless with others who refuse to follow rules...that is why most of them end up on the streets. They wore out their parents, their other relatives, their friends...so they bond together and help one another. They know where to go for food. Trust me, they are not hungry, although they often say it so that we will send them money, which they use for drugs. There are shelters for sleeping IF they are willing to be sober while they are there. I worked in a homeless shelter long ago as a volunteer. They ate a home cooked, church lady type meal and had a mattress and covers, free winter clothing, people to talk to and services they could use to get on their feet, but most of them didn't utitlize them. Again, they didn't want to follow rules so they didn't.
During the day there are places to stay warm. There are libraries, 24 hr. laundromats, gas stations, Walmart, etc...and most of them find out how to couch surf. Yes, they have drug parties non-stop. That is why they chose to leave our house, and they DID make that choice. Think of it this way:
"Can you follow our rules and stay? You will get, in return, our warm house, your bed, food, and our company. But you do have to follow normal societal rules, like your sister does. If you steal, that is breaking the law and we will never put up with that again."
"You're a HORRIBLE parent. How can you put your own son in the street, even though I'm 24 and never worked a day in my life and spend all my money (and your stolen money) on drugs, and have no interest in changing. What kind of heartless person are you? I'll starve! I'll freeze to death! I HATE YOU. I DO DRUGS BECASE OF YOU."
Sound familiar? If so, it's because it's very typical.
These grown men and women are making their own life choices. Even if they are 18, they are legally responsible for themselves and most young men and woman that age are either in college, serving our country, or working full time, maybe even paying rent to the parents to help out. When we hear from our normal adult kids, they ask how we are doing and share with us, adult-to-adult with a touch of mom-kid in it, but not "I want you to continue taking care of me forever" in it.
Our troubled darlings never call to ask, "How are you?"
They are more apt to call and say, "Yeah, so, Im broke and I need rent money or I'll be in the streets plus I haven't eaten for a few weeks and I think I'm getting sick (cough, cough). Can you gimme some money?"
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
"Have you looked for a job, Son/Daughter?"
"Yes, but you know nobody is hiring."
"Where do you look?"
"I'M TIRED OF ALL THESE QLUESTIONS. YOU DON'T TRUST ME? YOU'RE A TERRIBLE MOM AND I HATE YOU! I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN! YOU'RE A MONSTER!"
Of course, before they decided to breach our home rules, we did all we could to help them, but they wouldn't cooperate and we couldn't make them. They were probably given many life opportunities that they are choosing to blow away.
Suggestions: Don't always read your texts. Do it if you feel strong enough to keep saying "no."
"Less is more." Do not argue. The less you respond to nonsense and abuse, the less you throw oil on the fire. In fact, I have learned to hang up on abuse. As for son's friends, I would have simply cut in and said, "This is not really any of your business." *click* Do not sound angry. Stay calm. Do not let your son bring in third parties...friends or girlfriends or neighbors who have no idea what you have gone throw to help this young man. Just don't talk.
I recommend highly not checking FB as they often use FB to look very high to upset us and also to leave nasty posts about us or to us.
Finally, go on with your own life because you truly can not do anything to change your son. You must have other loved ones who need you to be strong, healthy and would LOVE to hear you laughing again. Hang around with non-toxic people more, your son less. Maybe you need a break from him. That's up to you. Go back to making sure YOU are eating well, sleeping well, exercising, learning how to cope, and I highly recommend Al-Anon. If it's not your cuppa tea then I suggest private therapy for yourself to learn how to make YOUR life a wonderful rest of you life. Most of us here are learning how to live life to the fullest and most peaceful, happy degree in spite of our troubled adult children and many of us have come very far. The longer it goes on, the more immune you get to the whining and childish, abusive behavior. But it is a process and that's why most of us need outside help and support.
I hope some of this helped. Take what helped; leave the rest. Keep posting. We are here 24/7 and even on Christmas so somebody is always around to respond to you if a crisis arises or just if you want to vent.
Sending you good wishes and hoping you do something outrageously great for yourself tonight, like a bubble bath with a glass of wine, soft music, and peaceful imagery. Remember, you are yourself. Your son is himself. You are not him. He is writing his own life story which you can't change. But you CAN change your story and make the rest of it incredibly wonderful.
"Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life."
Hugs.
