19 year old son out of control

[Lee]

Hi

I am new to this site. I started to search the internet for some answers on how to help my 19 old son who is spiralling out of control. He smokes weed, doesnt' work, won't do anything around the house. He told someone that I know that he has tried Ecstacy. Everytime I try to have a conversation with him lately, he goes off and starts yelling. He never gets violent, but he won't abide by a word we say in our house. My husband has tried to talk to him, but he only blows up. He has been seeing a Psychiatrist for a couple weeks. I think he goes and says what he thinks everyone wants to hear, then he continues to do whatever he pleases. I love my son with all my heart but I think I have to tell him he has to leave. I don't know where he will go but I worry about the influence he will have on my 16 year old daughter. They get along very well and she loves him. I don't know where else to turn. I had a brother, who at 26 years old, overdosed and died. My heart is breaking at the thought that he will end up the same way.

 

[DammitJanet]

Lee, Im am so sorry you had to find our board but welcome to our corner of the internet. Young adults this age are very difficult when they get the idea that they are adults now and can do as they want, parents know nothing, we just want to control their fun, but they dont want to be responsible for any of the adult things in life. I so know how that goes after raising 3 adult men. As you can see in my signature, my youngest is now 24.

I will be perfectly honest with you, if your 19 year old is not working, not attending school, is doing drugs and is being verbally abusive to you and your family then I think it is time to set some firm limits on him. It is doing no one, including him, any good to have him there acting like that.

Maybe set a time for a family meeting and lay out a plan telling him that while you love him dearly that he has to start acting like the adult he is. He must start treating everyone in the family with respect. He must either enroll in school full time and work part time or work full time. You expect him to pay rent and his bills. He must do his own chores. List family rules that you have.

If he scoffs at this or refuses to abide by these rules, well, he is free to find shelter elsewhere. Have a list of local shelters available. These kids tend to be mighty savvy and can sofa surf with friends.

One thing, if you are paying for his car or car insurance and he is using drugs or drinking...take him off. You dont want that liability. If you are paying his cell phone bill and he wont abide the house rules, shut it off. He can work and get a prepaid. Comes with being an adult. Sad, huh?

He is old enough to join the military and vote. He is certainly old enough to leave the nest.

 

[slsh]

Hi Lee, and welcome.

I can only second what Janet has said.

Your house, your rules. If he doesn't feel like he needs to abide by them, he's free to leave. Period. End of discussion. No bargaining.

He's an "adult" - time to start acting like one. He needs to pay his bills, pay rent, contribute something. Not negotiable. Where does he see himself in 6 months/a year/5 years, and what is he doing to get there? The only wrong answer is living in your home (*your* home), doing what he's doing right now.

It's *extremely* hard to follow through and stand firm. I've cried more in the last 2 years over my difficult child than I've cried in my lifetime. It's really rough, telling a child it's time to move on and no, you cannot live here anymore. But you need to remember that you and your husband have worked hard for your home, for your lives as they are now. You do not deserve to be yelled at by a surly man-child who is contributing nothing to the equation. There should be boundaries now. He is a guest in your home. It sounds selfish at first glance, but it isn't. You have a life - it's time for your son to get one. And if he's not willing to do it underneath the protection of your roof, with the full fridge, housekeeping services, laundry services, and general amenities of your home, while abiding by your rules and behaving like a civilized human being, then he needs to do it without. *His* choice - not yours.

I'm so sorry you're at this point, because I really do know how hard it is, but I think you're probably on the right track in realizing that it's time to tell him to leave.

Again, welcome - and you are most definitely not alone.