Struggling to function

[New Leaf]

When you mentioned my circus experience, I thought you were talking about my life in general but then read the next line and you were referencing my actual circus experience

This made me chuckle. At least we can laugh.
How true that this experience is a circus. A macabre one at that.
“My monkey, not my circus.”
As we say in Hawaii
“Damn keeds!”
How could we not have blood pressure issues? Ugh.

 

[Mother-1]

I began to realize that they had dehumanized me as much as I had myself. I was nothing more than an opportunity to them. It was a rude awakening.

This is so painful. When i think of my mum I have feel such warmth and love and couldn’t bare the thought of her hurting. I accepted long ago my son doesn’t respect me, but the fact he may not even care for me or hate me is going to take some time to come to terms with.

 

[Mother-1]

“My monkey, not my circus.”

This one is 100% going on the fridge!!!

 

[New Leaf]

I accepted long ago my son doesn’t respect me, but the fact he may not even care for me or hate me is going to take some time to come to terms with.

It’s not that our kids hate us, it’s that they will use our love for them to take advantage of us, if we let them. We are easy targets.

 

[Copabanana]

I mean we are raising her child, and she can't be reached! Then complain I don't communicate with her.

I get angry just typing this.

Me too.

 

[Mother-1]

I’m tussling with my thoughts today, back and forth. This forum has given me some much strength and I’ve read every post over and over. I feeling like an imposter though, my son is only 19, I’ve not endured the years of trauma that many of our members have and whilst his behaviour is not acceptable, is less severe than I’ve seen described here by parents. I’m trapped in whether I’ve been to hasty, have I done enough, I’ve not spend thousands, he’s not stolen from me, he doesn’t use hard drugs daily. Do i reach out and offer support if he wants to get his life straightened out? I know it’ll be futile, he’s not ready and has stonewalled me since he’s left. I don’t know what to do now or even if I need to do anything now. I don’t want him home and stand firm in my position of not having him in our home. Should my door be closed forever, what if he does make signs of wanting to change his life, do I support from a distance?

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I’m tussling with my thoughts today, back and forth. This forum has given me some much strength and I’ve read every post over and over. I feeling like an imposter though, my son is only 19, I’ve not endured the years of trauma that many of our members have and whilst his behaviour is not acceptable, is less severe than I’ve seen described here by parents. I’m trapped in whether I’ve been to hasty, have I done enough, I’ve not spend thousands, he’s not stolen from me, he doesn’t use hard drugs daily. Do i reach out and offer support if he wants to get his life straightened out? I know it’ll be futile, he’s not ready and has stonewalled me since he’s left. I don’t know what to do now or even if I need to do anything now. I don’t want him home and stand firm in my position of not having him in our home. Should my door be closed forever, what if he does make signs of wanting to change his life, do I support from a distance?

Your answer is right there, he has stonewalled you since he left. You did absolutely what you needed to do as he was disrespecting your home and your sanity. When they are gone we start missing them but, what are we missing out on really? The peace your home has now even with your heart all bound up. It does not matter the severity, the amount of money you have put out, no comparison with other parents, some worse - some not. It boils down to the same thing, if “we” do not stop enabling them your and my situation will become worse. I started off with small ways of taking care of my daughters issues but, they became bigger and more problematic as time went on, 10 years worth.

Have your son out of your life for good? That does not have to be a final answer, there is always hope they will change and come around. I choose no contact at this time after my daughter gets out of jail, it’s the very last thing I have yet tried. It’s killing me! Her being how she was, violent - ungrateful - verbally abusive - did not help us, on and on the list goes. I cannot have that in my life at this time. If she truly wants to change I would absolutely help her, only if she showed it with some time behind it…..say a couple months. She made me all these promises to get out of jail time and again, all broken days after she got out and started living with us. So never say never that it cannot happen, just know he has to try for himself first before you step in again. Also am sure there is so much about him that you don’t know about. Mine was my daughter meeting strangers on those dating apps and doing the very worst, despicable things with them.

I hope you remain strong and focus on how he was towards you and is stonewalling you now. He does not need you at the moment, this is all new….he will when he runs out of money or needs a place to stay. There is a difference.

 

[Mother-1]

The peace your home has now even with your heart all bound up.

This is very true. There is peace in my home but the chaos in my head and heart are yet to quiet. Even the cats seem more relaxed

It boils down to the same thing, if “we” do not stop enabling them your and my situation will become worse.

I need to keep telling myself this. It had gotten worse and no amount of begging, fighting or bargaining was changing that.

Also am sure there is so much about him that you don’t know about.

This is for sure, he’s absolutely involved in criminal activity, what I can’t be sure, but he has money, in cash and no job. Doesn’t take a genius to work out, I stalled on confronting this as couldn’t be sure and he sure wasn’t going to tell me. That to me was a real concern to the household, when deals go wrong, acquaintances turn, police. He’s being pursued by police to obtain his biometrics for an investigation. He isn’t unknown to the police and has a number of charges but has been lucky to avoid prosecution with either drug awareness courses, NFA’s or community resolution orders but his activity is escalating I believe.

He does not need you at the moment, this is all new….he will when he runs out of money or needs a place to stay. There is a difference.

Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. He’s quite ruthless when it comes to cutting people out his life when they no longer serve him. He can’t maintain secure relationships with anyone. It’s all or nothing. He has refused to take his adhd medication and his psychiatrist mentioned that

 

[Mother-1]

psychiatrist mentioned that

He’s exhibiting Borderline (BPD) traits but he refused the assessment

 

[ANewLife4Me]

This is very true. There is peace in my home but the chaos in my head and heart are yet to quiet. Even the cats seem more relaxed

I need to keep telling myself this. It had gotten worse and no amount of begging, fighting or bargaining was changing that.

This is for sure, he’s absolutely involved in criminal activity, what I can’t be sure, but he has money, in cash and no job. Doesn’t take a genius to work out, I stalled on confronting this as couldn’t be sure and he sure wasn’t going to tell me. That to me was a real concern to the household, when deals go wrong, acquaintances turn, police. He’s being pursued by police to obtain his biometrics for an investigation. He isn’t unknown to the police and has a number of charges but has been lucky to avoid prosecution with either drug awareness courses, NFA’s or community resolution orders but his activity is escalating I believe.

Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. He’s quite ruthless when it comes to cutting people out his life when they no longer serve him. He can’t maintain secure relationships with anyone. It’s all or nothing. He has refused to take his adhd medication and his psychiatrist mentioned that

I am so sorry this is a torture to you, hurting you so much! Hate to say I understand but, do all too well. We have put everything we had into our children and prayed they came out all right. Unfortunately they grew up and took all of this out of our hands. Even to get important medical information about them we are denied because even society realizes they are there own person taking care of themselves past a certain age. We must accept this as truth of our own.

Remembering my first month after my daughter left was traumatic to me. The endless thoughts, the uncontrollable tears, the desperation of wanting to see her. It’s been a year since I last saw her, I have my moments but, it has become a lot easier as I have focused on me. When I get those painful moments of needing her, I then think of the person she is right now and that turns my feelings right off. Your doing great, stay strong.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

He’s exhibiting Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) traits but he refused the assessment

My daughter suffers with many mental issues including schizophrenia. I lied to myself…oh it’s her mental that she is this way. Last year I really observed her and while yes! she has mental issues, she held a job for 3 years, can drive, pays her bills etc. I no longer hold her mental accountable because she can also seek therapy and medicine but refuses.

 

[Mother-1]

I am so sorry this is a torture to you, hurting you so much! Hate to say I understand but, do all too well. We have put everything we had into our children and prayed they came out all right. Unfortunately they grew up and took all of this out of our hands. Even to get important medical information about them we are denied because even society realizes they are there own person taking care of themselves past a certain age. We must accept this as truth of our own.

Remembering my first month after my daughter left was traumatic to me. The endless thoughts, the uncontrollable tears, the desperation of wanting to see her. It’s been a year since I last saw her, I have my moments but, it has become a lot easier as I have focused on me. When I get those painful moments of needing her, I then think of the person she is right now and that turns my feelings right off. You’re doing great, stay strong.

I’m behaving stronger than I feel but gotta fake it till I make it. Self doubt creeps in and it’s festered today. It’s also hurtful being the monster in his story now, feels unjust but he’s entitled to his narrative and easier to blame me that take stock of his own doings.

 

[Mother-1]

My daughter suffers with many mental issues including schizophrenia. I lied to myself…oh it’s her mental that she is this way. Last year I really observed her and while yes! she has mental issues, she held a job for 3 years, can drive, pays her bills etc. I no longer hold her mental accountable because she can also seek therapy and medicine but refuses.

Trying to pick the bones out of whether my son is depressed, sad, putting on a front, mentally ill or just doesn’t give a hoot is too much for me to comprehend. I don’t even know him anymore. If he applied the ‘skills’ he utilises in his criminal activities to a real life, he’d probably be very successful!

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I’m behaving stronger than I feel but gotta fake it till I make it. Self doubt creeps in and it’s festered today. It’s also hurtful being the monster in his story now, feels unjust but he’s entitled to his narrative and easier to blame me that take stock of his own doings.

I definitely understand that! But we are not the enemy, we did not cause any of this though they will use this as their defense time and time again. They will never take responsibility for their own actions, my daughter does no wrong. An example.

She was pulled over for drunk driving but, not her fault because her passenger had weed. I went to the courthouse and had gotten a copy of what happened, she was swerving all over the road, several people called about it. From the jail phone call I laid into her…not your fault?!?! All she said was….well?????

So please, think in the other direction. THEY and only they are to be held responsible, not you. When you hear that negativity turn the conversation around if you ever see him again.

My daughter is the same all or nothing. She did not get her way at my house, she left. But oh the consequences of her actions.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Trying to pick the bones out of whether my son is depressed, sad, putting on a front, mentally ill or just doesn’t give a hoot is too much for me to comprehend. I don’t even know him anymore. If he applied the ‘skills’ he utilises in his criminal activities to a real life, he’d probably be very successful!

But see? We overthink all of this and drive ourselves crazy, the what ifs, why they do this or that? I know my daughter has taken illegal drugs, has stolen, sex for money, ect. My choices? I would never in my life consider these as options no matter how bad my life is. They have no problems and think it’s normal behavior. My daughter thinks she was successful as a stripper.

 

[Mother-1]

She was pulled over for drunk driving but, not her fault because her passenger had weed. I went to the courthouse and had gotten a copy of what happened, she was swerving all over the road, several people called about it. From the jail phone call I laid into her…not your fault?!?! All she said was….well?????

The micro truths! I’ve fallen for them all, even advocated for my son during police interviews only to find out down the line what really happened.

They will never take responsibility for their own actions, my daughter does no wrong

I’ve been told my sons girlfriends parents have taken him in. On one hand I’m glad he’s somewhere safe on the other I’m reeling, knowing the BS that’s being spewed about how’s he’s ended up there. I’m in this toxic mindset, wanting to phone her mum and telling why and who she has under her roof, how he treats her daughter. I’m not going to but disgusted at myself for wanting to and compromising his place there. I know it’ll unravel, they won’t tolerate his treatment of their daughter once the facade is dropped.

 

[Mother-1]

But see? We overthink all of this and drive ourselves crazy, the what ifs, why they do this or that? I know my daughter has taken illegal drugs, has stolen, sex for money, ect. My choices? I would never in my life consider these as options no matter how bad my life is. They have no problems and think it’s normal behavior. My daughter thinks she was successful as a stripper.

How sad that lifestyle felt like success for your daughter, how painful for us parents knowing they were capable of so much more

 

[Mother-1]

This forum is honestly a godsend. I’m so lucky to have good friends and a good family but speaking to those who’ve been in there, deep in the midst of it, lived and breathed through the dysfunction and truly understand it, is understanding I’ve not been able to find anywhere else.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

This forum is honestly a godsend. I’m so lucky to have good friends and a good family but speaking to those who’ve been in there, deep in the midst of it, lived and breathed through the dysfunction and truly understand it, is understanding I’ve not been able to find anywhere else.

Absolutely agree! You can tell friends, even well meaning family members….unless you have been through it, cannot relate how much they try. It’s heartbreaking and mind boggling the same types of feelings are shared by so many of us when I thought was the only one.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

The micro truths! I’ve fallen for them all, even advocated for my son during police interviews only to find out down the line what really happened.

I’ve been told my sons girlfriends parents have taken him in. On one hand I’m glad he’s somewhere safe on the other I’m reeling, knowing the BS that’s being spewed about how’s he’s ended up there. I’m in this toxic mindset, wanting to phone her mum and telling why and who she has under her roof, how he treats her daughter. I’m not going to but disgusted at myself for wanting to and compromising his place there. I know it’ll unravel, they won’t tolerate his treatment of their daughter once the facade is dropped.

My daughter has been in similar situations, she even had the nerve to tell us….the person letting her live with him has helped her more than we ever did. Wow! What a huge slap in the face.

I have confronted people about how my daughter is and guess what? It was thrown back at me, they defended her because my daughter told them lies! Am sure your son has told them the most horrible things about you and would only hurt yourself more trying to warn them. These people need to learn for themselves as the people who took my daughter in found out quick enough, and kicked her out.

You have so many good points, just keep repeating them, to remind yourself how your son really is at this time.

When my daughter called from the jail the other day my son said, Mommy you damn sure know she was not calling for any feelings about you, but how you could help her. He was right.