Struggling to function

[Mother-1]

My daughter has been in similar situations, she even had the nerve to tell us….the person letting her live with him has helped her more than we ever did. Wow! What a huge slap in the face.

Oh my, so cruel. My son’s mouth knows no bounds and will result to whatever he thinks will wound me the most. Words like this. Maybe it’s easier to be stonewalled.

I have confronted people about how my daughter is and guess what? It was thrown back at me, they defended her because my daughter told them lies! Am sure your son has told them the most horrible things about you and would only hurt yourself more trying to warn them. These people need to learn for themselves as the people who took my daughter in found out quick enough, and kicked her out.

I’m learning a dignified silence will save ME from more harm. That’s progress for me! Someone posted about enablers ‘enlisting supporters, insult, condemn’ that would be all I was effectively doing and I wouldn’t be changing anything

When my daughter called from the jail the other day my son said, Mommy you damn sure know she was not calling for any feelings about you, but how you could help her. He was right.

That sentence from your son was short but so powerful I felt it for you. Such wise words

 

[Copabanana]

I feeling like an imposter though, my son is only 19, I’ve not endured the years of trauma that many of our members

What???? Is this a competition, a suffering competition??? NO!!!

I know it’ll be futile, he’s not ready and has stonewalled me since he’s left. I don’t know what to do now or even if I need to do anything now. I don’t want him home and stand firm in my position of not having him in our home. Should my door be closed forever, what if he does make signs of wanting to change his life, do I support from a distance?

Look. All of your questions are unknowable. Because we're only in the present moment. The story is not written. Guess who writes it? Your son. Maybe if some of us had found this forum sooner we wouldn't have suffered so much. It's unknowable. Why torture ourselves?

I think the answer is "not knowing." Staying in "I don't know." All of us set hypothetical rules, and intentions for ourselves and break them. Why? Because we don't know how we will feel in future moments.

Of course, you don't know what to do now or in the future. Because so much depends on the other person, your son, over whom you have not one bit of control. Nor do we have real control over ourselves, our feelings, our reactions, our moods, our conflicts, our motivations.

So, why not just let it go right now and rest? Why not hang out in "I don't know because it's unknowable right now." And then when it's time to respond to something, we go back to the drawing board when more variables have been established.

 

[New Leaf]

Most of us have gone through what you are feeling now. Cycling through different emotions and longing for our kids to just be who we remember when times were good. Please do not minimize the trauma you have been through and compare to other’s experiences. You have had some very scary and horrific instances that gave you no choice but to have your adult son leave your home. 19 is young, you are correct, but still at the age of accountability, where he does know right from wrong. You have given your son the opportunity to think about his actions and hopefully, do better.

I’ve been told my sons girlfriends parents have taken him in. On one hand I’m glad he’s somewhere safe on the other I’m reeling, knowing the BS that’s being spewed about how’s he’s ended up there. I’m in this toxic mindset, wanting to phone her mum and telling why and who she has under her roof, how he treats her daughter.

The parents will find out soon enough who they are dealing with. This is their and their daughter’s responsibility. Let them deal with it.

I’m not going to but disgusted at myself for wanting to and compromising his place there.

Stop being mean to yourself. Anyone would feel the same.

I know it’ll unravel, they won’t tolerate his treatment of their daughter once the facade is dropped.

Only time will tell. In the meantime, you have some peace of mind knowing your son has a roof over his head. The rest is up to him.
It is a weird, uncomfortable feeling when our adult kids leave home this way. I remember having so many thoughts racing through my mind. All of that frenetic energy surviving from one episode to the next is still there, with none of the chaos in our homes. It is a bizarre peace in the home, but not in our hearts. With the history we witnessed with our off the rails adult kids, it was easy to slip into writing the end of the story with catastrophic imagery. But we do not know what the future holds.
The work ahead of you is to calm your mind and heart. Redirect your focus to what you can change, that is yourself and your response to your son’s choices. You took first steps by having rules for him living in your home. He brazenly broke those rules and made you feel unsafe. That’s unacceptable. You set a reasonable and healthy boundary by having him leave, which was forced by his actions. Now, he has to figure out that he needs to be a decent person at his girlfriend’s parent’s home. Good. There is nothing left for you to do but to recognize wholeheartedly that you did what was necessary to protect your peace of mind in your home. What your son decides or does, is completely up to him.
It’s not easy to let go and let matters be. If you find yourself overthinking and ruminating what could happen, please get help. It does us no good to stress over things we have no control over. Most of all, do not minimize the havoc your son caused in your home. It is real. If you did not draw the line in the sand, his behaviors were likely to escalate. Now he needs to choose if those behaviors serve him. That is completely up to him.
As I stated before, hubs and I were so focused on trying to stop the train wreck with our two daughters, our two younger children were sidelined. That was not fair to them. You have the opportunity to redirect all of your energy to healing yourself and taking care of your younger son. That’s what helped me pull up and out in the long run. I finally opened my eyes and saw that my youngest were suffering through the craziness. That realization helped me to switch focus and work hard to create peace in our home.
You need to be kind and gentle with yourself. But you also need to build back your strength. You can do it. You are worth it. Your life has value and meaning.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Fairy dust]

Mother 1. Please stay strong and get some help for yourself. Your son disrespected you and through his criminal activity has put both yourself and your younger son in danger. Your safety and that of your younger son is not up for grabs. I think you need to see the truth in this and something is holding you back. That is why I strongly suggest counselling. It isn’t easy but it finally helped me see through the fog that my eldest created. Yes focus on that. Your son created this, not you. You and your younger son deserve better. Hugs to you. Please keep posting.

 

[Mother-1]

So, why not just let it go right now and rest? Why not hang out in "I don't know because it's unknowable right now." And then when it's time to respond to something, we go back to the drawing board when more variables have been established

It is a weird, uncomfortable feeling when our adult kids leave home this way. I remember having so many thoughts racing through my mind. All of that frenetic energy surviving from one episode to the next is still there, with none of the chaos in our homes. It is a bizarre peace in the home, but not in our hearts. With the history we witnessed with our off the rails adult kids, it was easy to slip into writing the end of the story with catastrophic imagery.

I’ve tried so hard for the words to describe what it is I’m experiencing and this is it exactly. I’ve craved peace for so long and now I have it in my home but my mind and thoughts haven’t caught up enough to allow myself to breathe it in.

 

[Mother-1]

Mother 1. Please stay strong and get some help for yourself. Your son disrespected you and through his criminal activity has put both yourself and your younger son in danger. Your safety and that of your younger son is not up for grabs. I think you need to see the truth in this and something is holding you back. That is why I strongly suggest counselling. It isn’t easy but it finally helped me see through the fog that my eldest created. Yes focus on that. Your son created this, not you. You and your younger son deserve better. Hugs to you. Please keep posting.

My rational mind can see the truth. I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself, my parenting, my decision making. I’m strong during the day and then at night time, when my little boy is in bed and the new found peace in my home, my mind flip flops. I hard to stay focused on myself, my youngest and reminding myself of who my son is right now. I will consider counselling, I’ve booked at GP appointment for 22nd and will see what resources are available in my area. Right now I’m reading a book that was recommended here which is helping.
Thank you @Fairy dust

 

[Mother-1]

his behaviors were likely to escalate

They were and they would continue to do so.

 

[Mother-1]

The parents will find out soon enough who they are dealing with. This is their and their daughter’s responsibility. Let them deal with it.

They will. I’m not going to warn them, they took him in on face value, didn’t reach out to me to discuss having him under their roof and the reason he found himself there, I can’t be responsible for the choices of others.
I’ve been my son’s safe person for his whole life, now I’m the villain and i want to vindicate myself. It feels immature that I feel like that and i should be more adult and rise above it. I’m trying

 

[Mother-1]

So, why not just let it go right now and rest? Why not hang out in "I don't know because it's unknowable right now." And then when it's time to respond to something, we go back to the drawing board when more variables have been established

I try desperately to control outcomes, prepare for outcomes that aren’t within my control. I feel like I’ve got to be doing something about this, taking action in some way. I’ve read this is part of codependency. The fog as described here does clear though, I have the clarity to see that I don't get to write my son’s story. It think it was you Copa who said that my son doesn’t have to live the life I expect of him. My eyes are beginning to open and I’m beginning to see things from a different perspective. I know im on my own journey and changing my mindset won’t happen overnight, I’ve got some healing to do.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

My rational mind can see the truth. I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself, my parenting, my decision making. I’m strong during the day and then at night time, when my little boy is in bed and the new found peace in my home, my mind flip flops. I hard to stay focused on myself, my youngest and reminding myself of who my son is right now. I will consider counselling, I’ve booked at GP appointment for 22nd and will see what resources are available in my area. Right now I’m reading a book that was recommended here which is helping.
Thank you @Fairy dust

I am in the same predicament Mother-1. As long as we are busy, we can hold it together. With both of my children gone and when hubby is at work, am alone. Such torture to think and think of every tiny detail, if I had done this or that? But the truth is that that is the past, this is the present, we can only move forward today by letting the past go…..all of it. No matter how we raised our children, some come from perfect homes with perfect parents and have the same results. It’s our children’s choices and not ours how the next chapters will be written. We have to step back and let them take the reins to their own life, it’s absolutely out of our hands.. no amount of thinking, crying, pleading, begging will change a thing except give them more power in manipulating us to do as they want.

Glad the book is a help to you as it was me.

 

[Copabanana]

It think it was you Copa who said that my son doesn’t have to live the life I expect of him.

It is raining hard here where t live. Before It started I went out to get the dog who didn't want to come in then. Now it's pouring. The dog is hiding somewhere in the yard. And then I remember. My son is out in this too. Homeless. In this torrential rain. Me and the cats are warm and dry, inside. My son? Who knows?

Accepting that our children don't live as we would want, is not to like it, but we have choices. We can let it batter us over and over again or we can remember that their lives are theirs with G-d. And we pray. What else is there, really?

 

[MommaTried24]

This is one of the quotes that helped me
“Nothing changes, if nothing changes.”
Put it on your fridge.
It’s not to say that your son will change, but you can. Another quote “What you allow, will continue.” And this “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

Grief.
It is hard stuff.
There is a finality in grieving a loved one who has passed on. Grieving over the choices of someone we love, who is still living, is a whole different level.
It was incredibly hard for me as well when I realized that I had to stand my ground to protect myself and my home. I closed the revolving door. There was peace when my two were out. But there was turmoil inside of me. I went through all the stages of grief, anger, denial, depression, etc. There were days when I could not shake it. I would reel the tapes of them growing up, mistakes I had made, the what ifs. I think this is part of the natural process we go through when reality hits that we have no control over what our adult kids choices are. Everything in our being is screaming no! No! This can’t be! It feels like we are giving up on them. We are not. We are realizing that everything we did to try to stop the madness, control the craziness, did not work.


This is the No we need to hold on to. What good does it do anyone if we fall apart? What good does it do if our lives become a shambles and we live in despair, synchronistically going down the rabbit hole with our wayward adult children?
No!
By having your son leave, you are giving him his wings to learn from the choices he makes. When we house our drug addicted, disrespectful, abusive adult children we are not helping them. They do not learn. They continue to go off the rails and we make it easier for them, and our homes become war zones. We all learn from the consequences of our choices. We should not and cannot shield our adult kids from the consequences of their actions. Especially when those actions threaten our safety. By standing up and saying no more, you are setting healthy boundaries for your son. You are letting him know that his actions are unacceptable in your home.
Allow yourself to process your feelings, then work at rebuilding yourself. You have been through a lot. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Do simple things, have a cup of tea, listen to soothing music. Go for walks. Write. Cry. Let it out. Meditate.
You have value and worth. Your physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing is so important. It is your armor. Your focus has been on stopping something you have no control over. Work hard to switch gears and become a warrior and champion for yourself, your young son. Learn to fiercely protect your peace. If you find yourself struggling and feeling stuck, seek help.
Self love Mama. It is not selfish to take care of yourself, it is imperative.
Know that you are not alone.
Know that you will be okay.
One step at a time.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

I'm new here and I cannot even begin to tell you how much this reply helped me. I'm really not in a good way (and haven't been for a long time) because my only child has been in jail again since 12/01/23 and is about to be released. I'm dreading it. He's 28, epileptic and alcoholic. The last time I saw him (which was 4 years ago) I was removing him from my home after breaking the rules again. I drove him two hours away to go live with his dad. When he started verbally attacking me again in my vehicle, I pulled over and left him in a McDonald's parking lot a few miles from his dad's with 5 bags of clothes, his cell phone and $500 and then he hit me with his fist.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I'm new here and I cannot even begin to tell you how much this reply helped me. I'm really not in a good way (and haven't been for a long time) because my only child has been in jail again since 12/01/23 and is about to be released. I'm dreading it. He's 28, epileptic and alcoholic. The last time I saw him (which was 4 years ago) I was removing him from my home after breaking the rules again. I drove him two hours away to go live with his dad. When he started verbally attacking me again in my vehicle, I pulled over and left him in a McDonald's parking lot a few miles from his dad's with 5 bags of clothes, his cell phone and $500 and then he hit me with his fist.

Welcome to the board MommaTried24, so sorry you’re going through this with your son. Is he in jail due to this incident of hitting you? I understand your fear as my daughter is violent as well, are you able to get a restraining order against him?

 

[Mother-1]

I'm new here and I cannot even begin to tell you how much this reply helped me. I'm really not in a good way (and haven't been for a long time) because my only child has been in jail again since 12/01/23 and is about to be released. I'm dreading it. He's 28, epileptic and alcoholic. The last time I saw him (which was 4 years ago) I was removing him from my home after breaking the rules again. I drove him two hours away to go live with his dad. When he started verbally attacking me again in my vehicle, I pulled over and left him in a McDonald's parking lot a few miles from his dad's with 5 bags of clothes, his cell phone and $500 and then he hit me with hi

It is raining hard here where t live. Before It started I went out to get the dog who didn't want to come in then. Now it's pouring. The dog is hiding somewhere in the yard. And then I remember. My son is out in this too. Homeless. In this torrential rain. Me and the cats are warm and dry, inside. My son? Who knows?

Accepting that our children don't live as we would want, is not to like it, but we have choices. We can let it batter us over and over again or we can remember that their lives are theirs with G-d. And we pray. What else is there, really?

@Copabanana such simple things in life act as reminders of them, sometimes when you’re not expecting it and it’s a gut punch. Just driving around and you see someone who looks like them and it momentarily takes your breath away. I hope you’re ok, I know I don’t know you, but I thought of you today and your last message

 

[Mother-1]

I'm new here and I cannot even begin to tell you how much this reply helped me. I'm really not in a good way (and haven't been for a long time) because my only child has been in jail again since 12/01/23 and is about to be released. I'm dreading it. He's 28, epileptic and alcoholic. The last time I saw him (which was 4 years ago) I was removing him from my home after breaking the rules again. I drove him two hours away to go live with his dad. When he started verbally attacking me again in my vehicle, I pulled over and left him in a McDonald's parking lot a few miles from his dad's with 5 bags of clothes, his cell phone and $500 and then he hit me with his fist.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and what you’re going through.
You user name reminds me of a song that by Merle Haggard that makes me think of my son ‘Mama Tried’ and will likely resonate with a lot of us here
And I turned twenty-one in prison doin' life without parole
No one could steer me right but Mama tried, Mama tried
Mama tried to raise me better, but her pleading, I denied
That leaves only me to blame 'cause Mama tried

 

[MommaTried24]

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and what you’re going through.
You user name reminds me of a song that by Merle Haggard that makes me think of my son ‘Mama Tried’ and will likely resonate with a lot of us here
And I turned twenty-one in prison doin' life without parole
No one could steer me right but Mama tried, Mama tried
Mama tried to raise me better, but her pleading, I denied
That leaves only me to blame 'cause Mama tried

Thank you. I tried my heart out until he was 24 then I had to keep my word and let him go.

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you. I tried my heart out until he was 24 then I had to keep my word and let him go.

When my son hit 23 I couldn't take anymore (NOT.) One day after work I mustered the courage and told him to leave. Just. Like.That. He banged on the windows all night. I feel guilty still. That was 12 years ago.

And then there was the next stage. He was out of the house, but I couldn't let go. I couldn't accept I did not have a part in writing his story. An obligation to make it turn out okay; his life turn out okay.

And then about 3 years ago, something happened where I could not ignore the cost to myself. And I backed almost all of the way out.

Somebody I trust said to me a couple of months ago, the cost of creating a separate self, from him, was some of my love for him. What a gut punch that was.

I don't know what to think.

 

[MommaTried24]

When my son hit 23 I couldn't take anymore (NOT.) One day after work I mustered the courage and told him to leave. Just. Like.That. He banged on the windows all night. I feel guilty still. That was 12 years ago.

And then there was the next stage. He was out of the house, but I couldn't let go. I couldn't accept I did not have a part in writing his story. An obligation to make it turn out okay; his life turn out okay.

And then about 3 years ago, something happened where I could not ignore the cost to myself. And I backed almost all of the way out.

Somebody I trust said to me a couple of months ago, the cost of creating a separate self, from him, was some of my love for him. What a gut punch that was.

I don't know what to think.

Copabanana I feel the exact same way. Mine has been in and out of jail since 2017. I refuse to endure his choices with him anymore. I did send him a birthday card this time but that was it. Seems he likes Christmases and birthday's in jail. I'm sick of it. If he asks for help or to come home, I'll have to tell him again that serious rehab will have to come first. It won't happen until he's had enough or he's dead. Oh and did I mention obsessed with driving? He's never had a license because of epilepsy and he's going to end up killing someone. I am at a total loss still as to what to do? I don't know what to think either. I am glad to be here and to follow you. Thank you for sharing.

 

[MommaTried24]

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and what you’re going through.
You user name reminds me of a song that by Merle Haggard that makes me think of my son ‘Mama Tried’ and will likely resonate with a lot of us here
And I turned twenty-one in prison doin' life without parole
No one could steer me right but Mama tried, Mama tried
Mama tried to raise me better, but her pleading, I denied
That leaves only me to blame 'cause Mama tried

Merle was my grandma's favorite. I did Momma instead of Mama because my son always calls me Momma. Thanks for sharing.

 

[MommaTried24]

Welcome to the board MommaTried24, so sorry you’re going through this with your son. Is he in jail due to this incident of hitting you? I understand your fear as my daughter is violent as well, are you able to get a restraining order against him?

Thank you ANewLife4Me. No he hit me four years ago this November. That was two hours from my home when I drove him there and left him in a McDonald's parking lot a few miles from his dad's house. He's in jail this time for theft over $1,000 and he had to pay someone $2,000 restitution for probably property damage. He evidently took someone's car and wrecked and left the scene because he's obsessed with driving. Numerous arrests for driving without a license. He's epileptic and has never had one because he's not supposed to drive. Nothing has changed. Just getting worse. Lots of public intoxication arrests in between this latest stint. One thing I can say is he's only ever had one DUI though. The rest of his arrests are public intoxications and he is just obsessed with driving.