26 year old son beat up my 30 year old daughter

[aud]

I could not respond with more understanding that Cedar. Obviously her post is straight from the heart and based on experience. I can, however, send you hugs of support. My suggestion is for you to prepare a list of homeless shelters, food distribution sites and include on that list addresses and phone number. I also suggest including the numbers of mental health outreach groups including suicide prevention numbers. You do need to change the locks at your home
and, if needed, get a protective order so if he shows up you can call the police to remove him from your property. Chances are great that he will show up and also that he will bombard you with phone calls of remorse, fear, guilt etc. Although I have not been in your shoes I strongly suggest that you do not answer any telephone calls as they will just upset you.

If he is still in jail I think he should be informed before release so he has time to think about your position. Likely he will assume he can manipulate his way back into your home but at least he will have time to think about his future in advance so he will be less likely to be explosive. We will all be here to support you. DDD

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[BackintheSaddle]

So sorry to hear about all this-- how much pain you must be in. I do want to add that if he's still in jail, there's a good chance you can get him involuntarily committed somewhere, even for 2-3 days so that he's assessed by the mental health center in your area. They will assess him for suicidal ideations and also set him up with a discharge plan that could include living at a halfway house, further treatment, medications, etc. Given the danger of the situation for you and your daughter, I am certain a judge would set that up and you could then be assured that he won't be back for at least a little while and he's in the 'system' that can give him the help he needs. He's a grown man though and making these choices so the best way you can show your love for him is to step back and detach so has to stand on his own. That's easier said than done but something you can work on every hour of every day and remind yourself that your 'tough love' may be the very thing that ultimately saves his (and your) life!
Another idea I wanted to offer if you don't want to go the commitment route is to go stay with a family member or friend, or even a hotel, for the first week or so that you know he's out (and don't answer calls from him like suggested earlier)...not sure you're situation will allow for that but please strongly consider it to make it hard for him to find you and hurt you or your daughter even more...I'm in a similar situation now and really, going to a therapist or al-anon or somewhere that you can hear others and share your feelings will help so much in gaining perspective...the best way to help him is to set the boundaries that are so very hard to set and maintain and you will need a support system for doing that...my thoughts and prayers are with you

 

[BackintheSaddle]

I've been thinking about you....were you able to get any local help?