26 year old stepson stealing

[helpangel]

When I look back it seems the worst always happened around big holidays & events for us too. But I don't think it was the kids that changed it was more my expectations changed, like if they cared about me as a person they could attempt to help clean for mother's day or something. They could quit fighting, turn off the psychosis, stop being frustrated just so I could have one day. I know the kids care about me but they don't just turn off who they are (or their issues) because of mother's day.

Also Nov. & Dec. holidays... the whole routine, budget requirements and everything else is off and my kids don't transition well. I got really angry tonight at the kids, yet now I'm sitting here laughing at myself for getting angry and telling myself "of course they did, that's what they do". I know they don't understand portion control, they love to eat & honey baked spiral cut ham is not an everyday food.

Anyway long story short I expected a 10Lb. ham to be more then 2 meals with only 4 eating on it; and I should have gotten myself some scallop potatoes before I let them "have at it". Helps me to understand why they all outweigh me by 40- 200+ Lbs and if I don't want to have to widen the doorways I better start controlling some portions around here.

I kind of got off the original topic here but my opinion is things don't get worse around big events, it's our expectations we hope for better then get disappointed. On that note I'm gonna change my attitude this year instead of driving myself crazy trying to have a perfect holiday gonna do the normal routine expecting a total flop...

Nancy

 

[Huff]

Thanks nancy maybe it's justthinking to much. It is hard after all these years of being blamed for everything to believe in myself. I know I made mistakes and I I will make more. I was never anything but good to difficult child. He did not always get what he wanted, and we had to live with the rage when that wS the case. I will admit that I did enable him as he got older got him out of credit card debt on several occasions. For me it should get better but I worry about my ex. She will have a hard time I feel in my gut that it's going to get worse for her. Just wish I knew of a way to help her. I trust The Lord will show me the way after all he brought me to this site. Thanks agai

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I said ok but he had to start looking for a job in the mean time. He exploded

He threatened to hit me

the words he kept screaming at haunt me to this day.

When my ex and I discussed this she thought I should fire my employee of 17 years and bring him in.

Huff, abused parents go through the same steps as they recover that people who have lived with an abusive partner go through as they recover. The first step is to realize that what has been happening to you is abuse. I think you are beginning to see abusive patterns in your interactions with this stepson.

That you could have defended yourself from your stepson is not the point. Had you defended yourself in any way, your wife would have been upset AND YOUR STEPSON KNOWS THIS AND USES IT TO MANIPULATE YOU AND THE SITUATION.

If you keep posting Huff, if you continue to read the crazy, horrible situations everyone here on the site has found him or herself in with their teen or adult kids, you will begin to see your own situation more clearly, too. Our stories are so similar, at the heart of them.

You did right in taking the lead on stepson finding work to hold him over until the job he wanted comes open. It had been six weeks. It was right and appropriate for you to bring it up. The only reason any parent would not bring up the subject of his adult child finding work is because the parent is afraid of the adult child's reaction and punishment for the parent from the adult child's mother. Do you see the manipulation there, Huff? The stepson was just waiting, just lying in wait, for you to dare broach the topic of him finding work.

And the upshot was just as the stepson hoped it would be. Mama stepped in, and you were made the villain of the piece because stepson was so upset and angry.

What you did Huff, was tell an adult male living in your home to look for work. Perfectly honorable thing to do. A father who did not teach a son the value of work would be remiss.

That your stepson threatened to hit you was, in my opinion, the first step toward seeing whether he can get away with actually hitting you, pretty much at will.

In my opinion, that is what was coming next, had the stepson continued to live with you.

**********************

We found difficult child behavior escalated around any holiday, around any special event. I don't know whether it was the holiday / special event, or whether it was that the difficult child was
1) awake and out of their room for a change during the holiday / event
2) actually speaking to other family members during the holiday / event

Given the manipulation I see in your stepson's behavior from the few things you have told us, I would say your stepson made every effort to draw attention away from the special time that was planned and onto himself.

(Huff? My vision is like, 20/20 where other people's kids are concerned. But I'm blind as a bat to the manipulations of my own kids to this day.)

Ahem.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

MWM, if you are reading, would you repost that article on parent abuse here for Huff? That was such an eye opener for me.

Cedar

 

[InsaneCdn]

I hope I am not overstaying my welcome

Not here!
This is the land of people who have been there done that... past or present.
Keep coming back, keep posting.

 

[Huff]

Thanks cedar and insane. Being in a really small town where everything you say goes from one perso to the next and on on and gets changed so much down the line that when it comes full circle it is so twisted you get to a point thT saying anything about anything is not worth it. I think that is what caused a lot of my marital problem along with the thousands of things our difficult child said I said but never did. Even though my dealings with all this are slowly coming to a end. I don't think I will ever be totally free from it but I will not have to confront it 24/7 anymore. I will come to this site every day as long as it is up and going. Not only to vent feelings and ask question. But to be of comfort and assistance to everyone as y'all have been to me. I am going to tell my therapist about this site. It sure is a great companion to therapy. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Echolette]

Hello everyone I don't know how many on here are step parents but I could not sleep last night thinking about the last 10 or twelve years trying to figure out our difficult child triggers and go over in my mind the worst episodes. Even though there were many episodes that were very difficult every year. It seemed to me that the worst of the worst always came around events that should have been joyfull. My wife's birthday Christmas ect. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the week before our anniversary always exploded and would last a few days past. I have discussed this with my counselor but did not realize the timing of the events till last night guess I grew to numb over the years to see. Is it common for difficult child to take certain occasions to cause problems. I hope I am not overstaying my welcome but this is the only place I know that people understand and have experienced what it's like. Counselor is great but I feel like I haven't been able to state things the way I feel in the short times week talk. It is easier to write it down and get it out. I thank god for leading me here and I will continue to use y'all's shoulders to help me through this. And I want to say thanks to everyone on this site a to wish y'all a blessed holiday season

Ralph

I'll just say yes to that one. difficult child's have a tendency to make the focus of the holidays all about themselves. My SO had a difficult child stepson who brought his mom/SO's exwife to tears on every family holiday...saying he would come then not showing up after she cooked all day, coming and dropping off his baby then leaving to party with friends, not calling on her birthday (txt message, anyone)....so that he (my SO) now has a knee jerk dread of holidays.
In my own family my difficult child just manages to make everyone tense. As a kid he would be over excited, loud, messy, accident prone, making the sort of happy family stress go over the top to yelling. Now that he is older it is a festival of "hi mom I think I'll come, no I won't yes I will no I won't only if my street person 10-years-older girlfriend who cheats on me and I cheat on her can come, oh forget it I went on a drug binge and dropped out of sight anyway....and the winner this year...oh forget it, I'm in jail. " Up to and including Thanksgiving this year it has always been a point of stress, anxiety, and sadness for me. The group especially Cedar helped me through Thanksgiving (he didn't come because of the girlfriend). Christmas...honestly, I am relieved. It will be me, the PCs, and my SO--his first time at Christmas with us, since we had some family unification struggles. I am looking forward to peace, and I think I'll actually get it this year. I hope that you do too.

 

[everywoman]

d go over in my mind the worst episodes. Even though there were many episodes that were very difficult every year. It seemed to me that the worst of the worst always came around events that should have been joyfull. My wife's birthday Christmas ect. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that the week before our anniversary always exploded and would last a few days past. I have discussed this with my counselor but did not realize the timing of the events till last night guess I grew to numb over the years to see. Is it common for difficult child to take certain occasions to cause problems. I hope I am not overstaying my welcome but this is the only place I know that people understand and have experienced what it's like. Counselor is great but I feel like I haven't been able to state things the way I feel in the short

 

[everywoman]

There was not a single holiday/special occasion/event for 20 years that my difficult child did not try and ruin. It is very typical.

 

[Huff]

Echo
I wish you and your family a the best this holiday season. I look forward to being with my easy child. And three grand kids it will be difficult to change traditions since both of my parents are gone. But my new life starts now. difficult child said he wil not show up. I hope it is because he is feeling guilty about stealing from me. I dread telling my ex what he has done even though I know it is the right thing to do. Bless y'all and thanks again.

 

[Huff]

Everywoman
Thank you I needed that confirmation. It helps put me at ease.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Huff, I think this year, and maybe this Christmas especially, may be hard for you? But I also think this will be the year you begin to heal. Like me, like all of us here Huff, you have been through something so dark, so draining, that deep down you cannot believe you will ever be truly alright, again.

But you will be, Huff.

This is how it begins. Sharing our stories, recognizing ourselves in the stories of the others, we heal.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Huff]

Thank you cedar. I just told my ex about gig taking gas and she flew off the handle not with me but left to go confront gig I am so worried about her right now. I should have waited till after the holidays

 

[InsaneCdn]

I should have waited till after the holidays

No. You are not in control of how she reacts. She needs to know - and needs to deal with it. Not that her approach is necessarily the best one, but you can't choose for her.

 

[Echolette]

Thank you cedar. I just told my ex about gig taking gas and she flew off the handle not with me but left to go confront gig I am so worried about her right now. I should have waited till after the holidays

No. You did the right thing. You can't control her reaction, and trying to manipulate the timing is just trying to control her. Secrets are toxic...that has been one of the healthiest lessons I have learned both with difficult child and ex husband (I throw that part in since I know you are working out being an ex yourself).
Keeping it from her is demeaning to her, and toxic to you. She would have flown off the handle after the holidays too, and you would have felt bad then too. It MIGHT have given her the excuse of "oh well that is so long ago now there is no point in addressing it" or it might have felt worse to her to be living a lie with difficult child (happy ignorant Christmas...I HATE the memories of times when I was happy and ignorant, only to find out later that STUFF was going on all around me...all the pictures of events like that, with my dumb cheerful smile, are ruined for me..) let her live in the real world and learn how to be in it. Or not. You can't control her reactions....say that to yourself over and over.
You were robbed, and deliberately so....he didn't even just take out of desperation, he steered his friends to the "free gas" too! You are taking it to a place of somehow feeling bad about it yourself. Don't do that. It will give you ulcers. It is difficult child who is doing the damage, not you. You are a good guy, with a healthy loving heart, don't compromise that. Remember who you are.

 

[Huff]

Thanks all I am feeling better today about telling her. Now to get through the holiday season. I may be posting a lot if things blow up as usual . Sure does help just to read post. And to post sorry if I don't make a lot of sense sometimes. Thanks again and god bless

 

[BusynMember]

One thing good about the board: We are here 24/7 and work holidays too!! So you always have somewhere to vent.

I am curious. If you are divorcing ex, why are you so concerned about her welfare? If it was her idea, it is time she learned how to handle difficult child herself. You might encourage her to jump on the boards.

I do know couples who remain close after splitting up, but then I wonder why they split up. It's none of my business and you don't need to post it here, but remember...you are not together anymore and you need to take care of yourself first. You have no control over your ex or what she does. And you can't control your stepson either. He is not very respectful right now and he is the one acting like a criminal, you are just doing the right thing to try to stop his bleeding.

You CAN take care of YOU! I hope you allow yourself to have a happy holiday season surrounded by your respectful and loving family and friends...maybe away from stepson.

 

[Huff]

Thanks Midwest. I know the divorce I going to be the best for us I always thought gig was trying to break us up I worry about my ex more now can I can no longer step in between them I feel he is closer to becoming more aggressive. The detaching for me is easier because difficult child has done a lot of that himself as far as im concerned . I told my wife to research detaching and her doctor has told her also. But gig makes it difficult he he will get mad and drive 60 miles just to scream at her. It is hard for her yo detach because he comes to find her. She may be an ex but I still want to do what I can to protect her. I have let the local officer know of my concerns so if needed we can have a rapid response. Hope it never gets to that point but I can't help but worry. Thank you so much

 

[busywend]

Yes, it is very common for special occasions to end up ruined by a difficult child. I attribute it to anxiety on their part. They just get themselves all worked up about whatever it is might be expected of them.

 

[Huff]

I just want to tell everyone thank you I will be checking in on occasion over the holidays. It is going to be tough with losing both parents and divorce in the same year. I will endure and start fresh. I am glad I found y'all and hope I can be of some help to all here and to future posters. Merry Christmas and happy new year to each and everyone on here.