26 yr old homeless drug addicted son

[C Ann H]

I am 52 yr old single mother of 4 adult children. They all have moved out and are living on their own. My son (26 years old) chooses to live on the streets (in the riverbed) near my home. I refuse to help him. He has a drug addiction. I have helped him get into a program 2 different times and he left both of them after just 2 days.
He continuously comes to my home every morning and every night. Sometimes in the middle of the night. He is always begging for food and money. I don't give it to him. I used to. 8 weeks ago was when I finally stopped. I tell him to go away and not come back, but he doesn't listen. Sometimes he is outside for quite some time yelling and pounding on my door. Many times I've called the police. He has been doing this for almost 2 years. In those 2 years he has been arrested twice out of at least 30 calls. I was able to get a restraining order but because he was homeless the police couldn't serve him (no address) and nobody is ever around when he does show up, to serve him. I went back to the court house 3 separate times to get extensions. After the 3rd one I was unable to get back to the court and it expired.
He has been in and out of jail for the last 8 years. His longest stay was 9 months. Is it bad for me to say I was at peace. I was. I was sure he was safe, had food, and a cot to lay down on. I wish he would get arrested again. I really do.
I am on edge, daily, wondering when he is going to show up. He scares me. He stands 6'4", I don't dare step outside if he shows up. I talk through the security screen and tell him to go away, to get help and to leave me alone. If he gets in a certain mind set, he starts to talk or yell a bunch of nonsense and this scares me.
Mind you, I don't live in a residential area with neighbor's on each side. I am the only home on 19 acres next to a riverbed Channel. Across from me is a large main street and shopping center parking lot. Next to one side of me is the riverbed. The other side is apartment complexes with a big brick wall and behind me is a park.
His disturbances are not heard by anyone but me.
How do you get help for someone that doesn't want it? How do I make it stop. It's making me a wreck.

 

[New Leaf]

Hello CH, welcome, and so very sorry for your need to be here. What an ordeal you are going through. First off, if this is your real name, you may want to change it here. It's to protect our privacy, as CD is a public site.

I went back to the court house 3 separate times to get extensions. After the 3rd one I was unable to get back to the court and it expired.

Ouch. You are in a scary situation.

He has been in and out of jail for the last 8 years. His longest stay was 9 months. Is it bad for me to say I was at peace. I was. I was sure he was safe, had food, and a cot to lay down on. I wish he would get arrested again. I really do.

It is not bad at all for you to say you were at peace. It's the truth. Our d c's homeless and using drugs are unpredictable. Aside from him being your son, the worry and despair that comes along with the addiction and homelessness, he is harassing you. At least if he was in jail, you wouldn't have to worry about that, too.

He scares me. He stands 6'4", I don't dare step outside if he shows up. I talk through the security screen and tell him to go away, to get help and to leave me alone.

He is a tall man. I would be scared. I am a bit leery of my two daughters, there has been times when they were menacing, looming. I am sorry for your predicament. It's awful.

If he gets in a certain mind set, he starts to talk or yell a bunch of nonsense and this scares me.
Mind you, I don't live in a residential area with neighbor's on each side. I am the only home on 19 acres next to a riverbed Channel.

I think I would be calling the police and logging down these incidences and their response. This is unacceptable. If it were a stranger, would they not arrest him?

How do you get help for someone that doesn't want it? How do I make it stop. It's making me a wreck.

Unfortunately, there is no way to help someone who refuses it. If love could cure this, we wouldn't have this site, with so many parents of adult children gone off the rails, trying to find a solution. My biggest concern after reading your post, is how do YOU stay safe? There certainly must be something the authorities can do? I don't think it is right that your son can continue to be a threat to you, without repercussions. It is NO way for you to live, on edge, wondering when the next visit will be. Please take care of yourself, and keep your doors locked. Do you have security cameras? A dog? Does your house have an alarm system?
There will be more members who will come along and offer advice. The site is slow sometimes on weekends. There are members who have similar situations, where d cs have been scary.
I am one of them, you are not alone in this. As I wrote, my daughters have been unpredictable at times, bringing chaos and violence, and street people over to my home. When my husband was alive, I felt a little more safe. He has passed, and my eldest has been coming around. She is homeless, and I don't know what to expect from her. It is a sad situation to be leery of our own adult children, but, it is what it is. We didn't cause it, can't cure, or control their choices.
You matter CH. Your safety and the security and sanctity of your home, matters.
Most of all, we deserve to have peace of mind.
There will be more replies tomorrow.
Keep posting, and let us know how you are doing.
You are not alone, dear.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[C Ann H]

How do I change my name on here. ?

 

[New Leaf]

Go to your profile page, there is a tab that says "user name change" try that.

 

[C Ann H]

Go to your profile page, there is a tab that says "user name change" try that.

Thank you. I am still trying to figure out this sight. I changed my name.

 

[New Leaf]

No worries, it takes a bit getting used to. I am glad you were able to change your name. I am in Hawaii, it's still early here, you are either west coast, of up very, very late. I am glad you found us CAH. I hope with all that's going on, you are able to rest. It must be very difficult.
For a time, my daughter lived in a tent, right up the road from us. I am in an area that is a bit "out of the way" as well. It takes awhile for police to get here. Yup, had to call them a few times.
Welcome to my Jerry Springer world.
UGH.

 

[Littleboylost]

CNA
Welcome and I agree 100% with Leafy m. Stay safe. Continue to call the police this is a terrible situation. Can they not pick him up for vagrancy or trespassing. It the River Bed pubic property or private property? If private property can you speak with the owners to see if they Can lodge a complaint Andy have son removed?

This is a terrible situation. Perhaps you need s legal representative to speak to the authorities on your behalf to spur them into more protective action.

Detaching is difficult and this is just a terrible daily threat to your safety and your sanity.

You are not alone. Know that you are doing the right thing. Enabling him will only make the situation worse for you.

My heart is with you. This is tough stuff.

My son is tall and it when he acts out it is very frightening.

Protect yourself. Love can’t cute this.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome CH. I'm so sorry for what you are going through but am so glad you found us here. While we can't make this go away for you we can offer you much needed support and love.

Is it bad for me to say I was at peace.

No, it's not bad for you to say this. You deserve peace and if your son being locked up affords you that then so be it.

He scares me. He stands 6'4", I don't dare step outside if he shows up.

I know how you feel. My son is also 6'4" and he has scared me many times. I'm glad you do not go outside when he shows up.

Staying safe must be your top priority. If you do not have a security system I suggest you get one. There is a new one called Ring that has a camera that goes to your phone. You can record your son when he shows up. This way you have more documentation of what he's doing. I would continue to call the police. Install some flood lights around your house.

He is always begging for food and money. I don't give it to him. I used to. 8 weeks ago was when I finally stopped.

I'm glad that you stopped giving him money and food. It's only been 8 weeks since you stopped and it will take time for your son to finally get the message that you are done.
Again, continue to call the police. Do not engage with your son.

I know how hard this is. It breaks our hearts to watch our child spiral out of control but you have to keep yourself safe.

If you have not read the article on detachment I strongly suggest you do. Print it out and re-read it over and over.

Please let us know how you are doing. We care.

((HUGS)) to you..............................

 

[Kat 15]

im so very sad to hear this about your son,, you have so much patience, you tried your best to help him, i hope some day soon,, you will find peace in this situation.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry that you are in this situation. This is horrible!

Sadly, you cannot force your son to get help. He has the right to not get treatment for mental illness or drug problems. Unless he is a danger to himself or others at the immediate time the cops or the ambulance is there to see him, he won't be taken away.

It is time to do what you can to protect yourself. Can you handle a dog? Get one and train it to be loyal to you and to protect you. It doesn't have to be a particular breed, mutts are fine. Often mutts and shelter rescues are the most loyal. It will take some time to train it up if you get a young dog or a puppy, but it sounds like this may be a long term problem.

If a dog is not a possibility, get a gun or some pepper spray. I would also look into other self defense options that are legal in your state. Tell the cops that you are terrified and you want to know what you can legally have to protect yourself when he comes around. If he catches you while you are coming home or leaving to go somewhere, you could be in BIG trouble. That is why you need to learn to have pepper spray. NOT in your bag, but in your hand when you leave and enter your home. Yes, it sounds paranoid, but it isn't. If your son is on drugs, you have no idea how he will react to ANYTHING. You don't know what his drugs have been altered with. You don't know what he is seeing and hearing besides what you see and hear. Protecting yourself at vulnerable moments is important. A self defense course is also a good idea.

You might want a security company to come take a look at your property. Even if you don't hire them, they can give you ideas of where you are vulnerable and what you can do about it.

I would also get the name and badge number of every cop who responds and ask why they will not take him in for trespassing as he does not live there? Ask why they will not press charges for stalking and harassment? Write down their answers or just have your phone with you, not obviously out, but in your hand and recording audio. Then take the info to the Chief of Police or the Sheriff and ask him why you cannot get anything done when the cops keep responding and you keep asking them to do things but they won't? I would call regularly, every time he shows up, for a month. If he damages ANYTHING, insist that you want to press charges. Do NOT drop the charges if you start to feel sorry for him because that will make you lose all credibility with the cops. It will also tell your son that he can continue to make you miserable.

There is nothing wrong with being at peace when he is in jail. Sadly, jail is our largest mental health provider in this nation. Plus he gets meals, a bed and utilities, plus medical care. And he isn't out there making you fearful every day! Why wouldn't you be at peace when he is in jail???
Again, I am so sorry you are in this situation.

 

[youngfool]

I am sorry that you are in this situation. This is horrible!

Sadly, you cannot force your son to get help. He has the right to not get treatment for mental illness or drug problems. Unless he is a danger to himself or others at the immediate time the cops or the ambulance is there to see him, he won't be taken away.

It is time to do what you can to protect yourself. Can you handle a dog? Get one and train it to be loyal to you and to protect you. It doesn't have to be a particular breed, mutts are fine. Often mutts and shelter rescues are the most loyal. It will take some time to train it up if you get a young dog or a puppy, but it sounds like this may be a long term problem.

If a dog is not a possibility, get a gun or some pepper spray. I would also look into other self defense options that are legal in your state. Tell the cops that you are terrified and you want to know what you can legally have to protect yourself when he comes around. If he catches you while you are coming home or leaving to go somewhere, you could be in BIG trouble. That is why you need to learn to have pepper spray. NOT in your bag, but in your hand when you leave and enter your home. Yes, it sounds paranoid, but it isn't. If your son is on drugs, you have no idea how he will react to ANYTHING. You don't know what his drugs have been altered with. You don't know what he is seeing and hearing besides what you see and hear. Protecting yourself at vulnerable moments is important. A self defense course is also a good idea.

You might want a security company to come take a look at your property. Even if you don't hire them, they can give you ideas of where you are vulnerable and what you can do about it.

I would also get the name and badge number of every cop who responds and ask why they will not take him in for trespassing as he does not live there? Ask why they will not press charges for stalking and harassment? Write down their answers or just have your phone with you, not obviously out, but in your hand and recording audio. Then take the info to the Chief of Police or the Sheriff and ask him why you cannot get anything done when the cops keep responding and you keep asking them to do things but they won't? I would call regularly, every time he shows up, for a month. If he damages ANYTHING, insist that you want to press charges. Do NOT drop the charges if you start to feel sorry for him because that will make you lose all credibility with the cops. It will also tell your son that he can continue to make you miserable.

There is nothing wrong with being at peace when he is in jail. Sadly, jail is our largest mental health provider in this nation. Plus he gets meals, a bed and utilities, plus medical care. And he isn't out there making you fearful every day! Why wouldn't you be at peace when he is in jail???
Again, I am so sorry you are in this situation.

Hi and welcome sorry you have to be here but I'm sure you will find comfort here.I too have a homeless 25 year old. I had an encounter with him on Xmas eve coming to my house and has left me feeling sad. You have every right to feel the way you do it's so very hard to turn our backs on them but taking the easier route can only relive your misery for the moment and it will be repeated over and over till you stop the enabling. Sad to say but your doing the right thing there are many wise people here to help you when you feel you can't take it anymore. You sound like a strong person keep posting it helps

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree with the security system but i would make sure it is one that automatically calls the police. If local police are not doing what they should would it be possible to call in state police as backup? As far as a gun only if you are very comfortable with using it. If you hesitate he might take it away from you. I know it is drastic and i don't know your financial situation but is moving and not disclosing where a possibility? I hope you are able to find a solution you are comfortable with. Please post that you are ok.

 

[joysheph]

Your words here are so similar as mine. My 29 y/o son is also homeless after I kicked him out about year or more ago. One day after reading others stories of struggles on here I had enough! I finally came to my senses that I deserve my sanctuary. My son has been seen under a bridge nearby the house. He has broken a window and entered the home while we were gone for a weekend. I've called the cops every time he has shown up and had him arrested for trespassing. My enabling self should of pressed charges for breaking entering and damages.
He's been in jail for 4 months and yes, I too am in PEACE. It's been the most relaxing time with no threats, no fears, no cops. I feel you and I get it! What do we us moms do to keep our sanity? Move? I am clueless. My son will be released on Valentine's day oh boy! He has called collect from jail I don't accept. He wrote letters but I just don't see the cry for help or humbleness. I see how he acts as if oh wow I must of been so screwed up on some some to good. But no apologies. I read others posts and other advices it helps us moms to stay strong. I am sorry and I get you!