When she was a teenager the counselor I took us to told me she had oppositional defiance disorder. Now I know that it turns into a severe personality disorder and mixed with drug abuse it’s just too far gone. Thank you for listening
30 year old daughter has done horrible things to me
- Thread starter Jenna0823
- Start date
I have sent a few cards for a birthday and miss you cards to my granddaughter and her other grandmother let me mail them to her to give to my granddaughter. I am guilty of spoiling my granddaughter with material stuff because I felt bad for all she has been thru with my daughter. Now I just feel used all together.
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Same. My marriage was very abusive and got progressively more violent. I stayed because the older kids are not mine biologically and I would have had no custody or visitation rights if I left, and they had already been abandoned by one mother. I still have PTSD and I still struggle with guilt that I couldn’t stop it. I worry about the treatment towards women both my sons and my daughters saw modeled. I worry that they’ll think it’s normal, and repeat those patterns. I worry that they respect me less and take me less seriously because they saw that I could not defend myself - my boys had to come to my defense on multiple occasions in their teen years. I worry about the abuse they endured themselves that I could not entirely prevent. I GET IT.
But we can’t change the past. And the past doesn’t excuse their adult behaviors. The choices they are making now are their own. We did the best we could in the circumstances we were faced with, and we have to forgive ourselves for not being perfect. We are not superheroes.
I understand your wish that she would relapse or come to some other crises that would force the issue with your grands. And now she’s pregnant again? Sadly chances sound good that she won’t maintain enough stability to retain custody. Call cps if you have to.
Keep posting. You’re not alone.
I myself was raised by a very passive doormat for a mother. She was a very kind person. My father beat on me a lot and I was scared to death of him. Thankfully they divorced when I was 12 and we got away from him. I guess I learned it was ok to have a man tell you they love you then beat on you. My daughter was always a little tough even before her teens. All of her teenage friends got into drugs but most have recovered. I like my mother allowed my kids to on me. My mom was close with my daughter when she was young but when my daughter started drugs it became strained then my daughter stole her jewelry and stuff. My mom has since passed away but even she helped take are of my granddaughter. My daughter has only really had my granddaughter for small periods by herself. She gets stressed very easily so everyone must walk on eggshells. My granddaughter didn’t want to go back and live with my daughter but my sister thought my daughter deserved a chance. Probably because she didn’t really personally experience my daughters wrath. Man if I could only have realized this sooner I could have a lot more money still and have had a lot more peace. It is nice with her ignoring me. Peaceful. But she is using my granddaughter as a weapon. A weapon she never had before but the one she knows hurts me to the core. Who does this to their mother and their child. I can’t grasp it. Thanks for understanding. Prayers to you as well.
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Someone with no empathy. Someone who sees other people simply as tools.
I’m sorry. I don’t know if people like this can ever be fixed. Assuming they even want to be.
Sending you big hugs.
I think you are right. I think and know I was used. Over and over by my daughter. It hurts but I am glad she is ignoring me right now. Just want my granddaughter back. Prayers to you and your situation
Your granddaughter will be 28 and can decide if she wants a relationship with you. I am sure your granddaughter will see her moms behavior and may not want to put up with it for long.
The teen years are difficult enough, but having a mom with mental and addiction issues will be difficult. Just be available for her, there will be a time she will need you. Ksm
The teen years are difficult enough, but having a mom with mental and addiction issues will be difficult. Just be available for her, there will be a time she will need you. Ksm
Just to clarify perhaps more for others, ODD does not turn into anything much less a severe personality disorder. In fact, it is not necessarily a lifetime affliction. It can be a symptom of any number of other underlying illnesses. Rarely do I hear of it being a sole diagnosis. I've heard of it associated with autism, bipolar, addiction, attachment disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) amongst others. Yes, a personality disorder may not be diagnosis in childhood while ODD may be diagnosis in childhood. But that does in any way mean that ODD turns into a severe personality disorder. In fact, I've heard of many cases in which the underlying illness is successfully treated resulting in the ODD behaviors being eliminated. I just want to clarify this so no one misinterprets your post as fact. Your daughter's diagnosis history may read as you suggest but that does not make it so for everyone.
I meant to type 18... Not 28. But you know what I meant. I hope she comes around sooner, but I believe it will happen. Ksm
That was just what one counselor said to me. She went to a counselor years later and they told her she was bipolar. Who really knows. Maybe it’s something else that a doctor would have to evaluate. Whatever she has it isn’t normal. It’s not normal to abandon your small child. It’s not normal to do horrible things to your mother. It’s not normal to do heroin. It’s not normal to lie and steal from other family members. And it’s not normal to have men arrested for supposedly beating you up and having them arrested several times because you lied to the police. Any suggestions on what is wrong with her would be so helpful
Despairing Mom
Member
Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotional Dysregulation Disorder.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
A dangerous person whom you need to protect yourself from. Possibly no empathy. Please take care of yourself.
I am doing the best I can. Trying to let go and let god work on this situation. I felt sad tonight giving out Halloween candy when this is the first year I haven’t had my granddaughter with me. I fought back the tears. Thank you so much
I need to research these two. I am guessing there is no cure or that people usually don’t change
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) has shown some success for Borderline (BPD). But the person has to be highly motivated, recognize the need to change and actually want to change ... which rules out most people with Borderline (BPD).
I’m in the same boat with S. Luckily I’m not her target, but she’s out of control and I don’t know if she’ll ever change. I still hold out a small hope for the possibility but I know longer build my life around that hope.
I’m so sorry you are sad tonight. Hugs.
I’m in the same boat with S. Luckily I’m not her target, but she’s out of control and I don’t know if she’ll ever change. I still hold out a small hope for the possibility but I know longer build my life around that hope.
I’m so sorry you are sad tonight. Hugs.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I think she sounds antisocial not borderline. Even if she has borderline most borderlines refuse to admit anything is wrong with them and dont do the very hard work that DBT requires. This woman certainly doesnt seem willing to get treatment and do the work necessary.
As I have a not nice son (I love him very much but am not deluded) anyone who loves a not always safe adult child needs to make sure that adult doesnt hurt him or her.
There sadly are adult kids who we need to guard against. Cluster B Personality Disorders (Antisocial, Narcicistic and Borderline) are all red flags for good chances to abuse us and we must be mindful to take care. Yes, it is heartbreaking! But we all have other loved ones who need us to be healthy and strong. And we need to love and care for ourselves too. So we have to sometimes get therapy and learn to be safe and let go.
Borderline and Emotional Dysregulation Disorder are two names for the same personality disorder.
As I have a not nice son (I love him very much but am not deluded) anyone who loves a not always safe adult child needs to make sure that adult doesnt hurt him or her.
There sadly are adult kids who we need to guard against. Cluster B Personality Disorders (Antisocial, Narcicistic and Borderline) are all red flags for good chances to abuse us and we must be mindful to take care. Yes, it is heartbreaking! But we all have other loved ones who need us to be healthy and strong. And we need to love and care for ourselves too. So we have to sometimes get therapy and learn to be safe and let go.
Borderline and Emotional Dysregulation Disorder are two names for the same personality disorder.
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beebz
Member
Hello "Jersey" - Jersey Girl here , now in Ohio (dont ask) lol
I've briefly skimmed over this thread and feel like I could be typing it myself. Too many similarities.
I'm too depressed currently to engage but I wanted you to know, clearly, you're not alone. I feel alone but I need to engage somehow to not feel so low and depressed. 11 cars? Well I believe you have me beat, shame on us. I enabled my son all his life and feel like my enabling put him where he currently is. However, another son raised in the same home with the same rules has surpassed his fathers income before he was even 25 - super successful.
Losing the grandkids .... mine are 7 and 8 now, or 6 and 7 (I forget) and I just got them back in my life, again. This time was 6 months but the time before that was a year and a half if I remember correctly.
Having my son out of my life was glorious because it was the first time I said "NO" and left him homeless, speaking of which, we bought him a house amongst the several vehicles, 6 or 7 cars/trucks, hell a boat too.
Anyway, knowing he was a problem, I gave him a home, especially for my two grand daughters, actually they were the only reason. I said "pay the taxes, monthly bills and insurance" - nope - didn't happen -- heroin happened - when I confronted him, he and his wife beat the tar out of me. I do have some permanent head/eye/memory damage. I evicted him and yes, the children and that was the year or 2 that I didn't have contact with them. Friends and family asked me why I didn't have the girls and I was in no condition to take care of myself let alone them. The second time around, this time last year, I DID have custody - my story is so complicated and long that I am rambling on here and I'm sorry. I feel like I'm not making a lick of sense except that I appreciate you reading what I write and I am thinking of you. I hurt so deeply and I know others in my place in life hurt just the same. No one understands except those that are in the same situation. Again, thanks for letting me vent on your thread and I hope I can muster up the strength and hope to be more a part of this forum.
~beebz
I think you are right on the antisocial personality disorder. She has been in and out of jail and rehab so many times over the past 14 years that I really honestly don’t miss her. I miss my granddaughter that I cared for for 11 years until she recently got custody back. She could not ever handle stress and having to deal with kids crying etc. Now she is 6 months pregnant from a third baby daddy. I think I was in denial of what she really was about until this last time I finally listened to friends telling me how terrible of a person she really is. I feel like I wasted so much money and time and emotions on my daughter since her teens years. Lordy I bought her cars and paid her fines and put money on her books in jail. It’s unreal. I don’t know what to do now. Will my granddaughter become like her ?
