40 year old son, removes (steals) items from our home

[Hakluyt]

This has been going on for some time, but my husband does NOT do or say anything and my warnings are disregarded. In April, we will be gone for 3 weeks, and I want to exchange the lock to our house door and change the garage pin - my husband is absolutely against this. Is there another way to handle this?
I feel I am alone in this situation - has anybody had a similar experience?

 

[Copabanana]

Hello Hakluyt. Welcome. What kinds of things does your son take from the house?

My son who is 36 takes food. A number of years ago when he was 25 or so, although he denies it, he took an IPAD type of computer.

What about putting in cameras inside the house and in the garage? This would not be specifically directed to your son. He would still have free entry to the house. The cameras would help him stay accountable to himself. And the cameras would not be directed towards HIM.

Maybe your husband's resistance is because changing the door lock and garage pin are specifically directed to your son. He does not want to hurt your son or damage their relationship.

I am remembering many years ago I asked my mother if I could stay in her house while I visited her city. I think she was away. I was already over 50. She said no. She said she didn't want anybody in her house. I was crushed. I lived far away, I did not have a key. My sister lived nearby had had a key. If stuff was missing that was between them. I got painted with the same brush. Being denied entrance to my mother's house just hurt me so much. All these years later, my mother long dead, it still hurts.

Maybe this is why your husband is so adamant.

As far as your son taking things, if it's food, that kind of thing--that's way different from money, jewelry, power tools, etc. To me, it would make a difference.

 

[Nomad]

Totally agree with Copa above. It's a hard pill to swallow that your adult child is stealing and we know it will somehow "hurt" them if they discover the locks were changed, but then again, you absolutely have the right to protect yourself. An example of us parents being more worried about their feelings than our own feelings and needs. But, perhaps the son should start to understand the concept of "logical consequences"? Is he stealing valuable things? Is he a drug user/abuser? I would lean toward changing the locks as you have proposed.

Another variation of this might be to, like Copa said, install cameras in several areas. You can monitor it from your phone. But then, you would have to decide what to do if you discover he is inside your home and worse, taking things. I would add to that, to put items of particular value locked in your bedroom with a camera in the bedroom and an additional lock on the bedroom door. Make your bedroom (or one room in the house) extremely secure with a camera and many locks. I would not tell your son you did that, but might consider telling him you got cameras installed in the house and if he was discovered to be in the house you will consider calling the police and should anything be missing, you will definitely call the police. I would consider getting a safe deposit box ... away from your home...for anything of extreme value.