I guess I am wondering here what mistakes you made that would have been so bad. Each of us reacts. Each of us gets emotional. Each of us makes decisions based upon of our needs and self-interest.I need to forgive myself for my mistakes rather than feeling it is all my fault. I realise we all have choices.
Good. It is very hard. You are not abandoning him. You are supporting him to grow up.It hurts and I need to shake the guilty/bad mother/abandonment feeling but I’m still doing it.
It has been a long time since I have posted. I felt like I was living on this site and there was always a new drama or a story to tell so I had to take a break.
Some may remember my stories and I see, sadly, there are new members whose stories I have tried to catch up on.
I am not sure if things are really any better although it would be wrong to not acknowledge the positives as well as the messes. There is just so much, I do not know where to start but I have to get this out. I am sorry it is long.
My son moved back home last June after he was thrown out of his girlfriends house. Reluctantly because he had a job and could not be on the streets we said he could come back for a couple of months and get financially straight. He is still here!!!
I love him dearly but we simply do not get along and it is getting worse and worse and I am starting to feel unwell again. I know you all warned me but I felt obligated to help.
He did lose the job he had….again but managed to secure another two months later when I told him I had had enough of him dosing about the house. Already the signs are showing again where he calls in sick, is always late etc. Today is the start of a permanent contract and he has rang in sick!!! I am livid.
I will now list the other issues and maybe some kind members could offer any insight or guidance.
- He still smokes copious amounts of weed
- He has no respect in the house in terms of timings, noise levels etc and says “I’m 20 and can do what I like”
-Comes in late and then starts cooking, no regards for the fact we are in bed. Eats the food in his room and leaves the plates on floor. Wear 5/6 items of clothing a day and I wash and iron it all!
- We cannot go out without him having people in the house despite being told not too.
-You may remember my last post was about going on holiday and whether I could trust him. You were all right we came home to drink all up the walls and a hole in one of our doors!
-The ex girlfriend is having a baby in 6 weeks and he is likely to be the dad (DNA pending) ARGH!!!
- We had one drug dealer knock on the door and we gave him a warning.
- The police at the door at 4.30am arresting him for rape (false allegation, now cleared)
- He pays not a penny in rent – the deal was to not pay rent but pay his debt off instead. In 8 months he has earnt £9,900 and paid £700 off of debt. Where is the rest???!! Always a excuse. Didn't even get a card off of him for Christmas but he took the £600 worth of presents off of me and lied saying the presents were at home for us.
-Lie lie lie lie lie lie
-He helps himself to what he wants from our beers to hairspray to my husbands aftershave.
-He asked if his new girlfriend could stay over one night and we said yes and now she goes home one night in 14!! She doesn’t speak to us at all and my son would never leave her alone with us for some reason, She does as she is told by him.
I have told him it needs to stop and he gets angry as he needs her to take him to work. What happened to getting the bus?
-He has a terrible temper and still gets angry, shouts and can become abusive. (Usually when any of the above is challenged or if you ever tell him NO)
I am sick to death of the drama with him, there is always something! Usually following a night out, beaten up or some rubbish. He appears to need drink and drugs in his life to cope with all of the messes which somehow he manages to create.
My issue is….he is working….in there is a good boy and bits are better so I am not sure he has done anything SO terrible I need to throw him out…BUT, I am simply on edge around him, we do not get along, he is not taking responsibility or sticking to the agreements. If we give an inch, he takes a mile. He is told about stuff and gets back in line briefly before reverting back again. My husband says he is taking the pi** out of me and is a manipulative little sh*t. Sadly I agree. I love him but I do not like him.
Yesterday I asked for some money he promised me and he flipped his lid screaming at me that I was horrible, arrogant, making him ill, giving him nightmares etc. Slammed his way out of the house. Returned hours later as if nothing had happened and I am still a wreck. My husband says he has to go!
I don’t know where he will go, how he will afford it or manage and I would hate him to feel he is not loved or wanted but he is simply not moving forwards with life. I am terrified about how he will cope being a dad!
Actually having wrote this and read it back……not much has changed at all other than he generally goes to work albeit late he doesn’t call me a c*nt anymore
Thank you so much for this reply. I have only just picked it up! I am going to start a new thread. xxI almost hate to do this, it has been done and said to me, its is hard all the way around.
But my comment is, "how long do YOU want to do this"? YOU, not your son, YOU.
I've done it for 20 years, the girlfriends moving in (sob story) the wife moving in (sob story) the whole family moving in (2 daughters plus parents), co-signing, lending 10's of thousands of dollars, drugs, there is so much more. I was a huge part of the problem. I was the biggest enabler and didn't really know it. I called it "love".
Anyhow, I am 57 now, the homeless addict is 34 - its been 20 years starting with "weed". NOTHING has changed, nothing, except I am older, more broke financially, broken as a human, broken as a mother etc.
I have finally taken my life back, mostly, no one has lived here in a LONG time. I let them visit when it is 7 degrees outside but I swiftly kick them out and give them a ride, dump them off and don't look back. Of course I cry all the way home. But this must be done. I do share custody of the grand daughters which is just fine and dandy. Its not their fault, they are innocent and as a grandma I have more patience and enjoy sitting and laughing at their silliness and sitting in utter amazement at their intelligence.
Keep reading. Think of yourself - you are ALLOWED to think of yourself and you better before it is too late. I was consumed and unable to function and fall back into that place often. Read, pray, hope and faith will help you go day to day; actually moment to moment. Be well, be safe and you would not be wrong to think of yourself - do it - ~warmly - ~beebz
Thank you so much for this reply. I have only just picked it up! I am going to start a new thread. xxUsually I'm a huge proponent of writing out a contract for adult kids living in our homes about behavior, holding a job, etc. and then holding them to it or kicking them out after their first infraction. However, he has crossed numerous lines, most recently scaring your daughter and he needs to go. YOU should not find him a place nor pay for it. He is an adult and can do these things himself. Whether he wants to do them or not is another story, but that is his choice. Remember, enabling is doing something for another adult they are capable of doing for themselves. Your adult son is capable of finding a job, place to live, health care, etc. If he chooses not to do these things then he must suffer the consequences. There are many days I don't feel like going to work, but if I lose my job nobody will take me and my numerous pets in and house and feed us. Nor should they. Everyone here knows how difficult this is. I threw my daughter out with my infant granddaughter when she refused to follow the rules we had agreed upon. I literally felt like I was going to die. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I barely slept for days. But guess what? She found someone to take them in and someone gave her a car. Yes, GAVE her a car. These adult kids are remarkably resourceful when they need to be. Put your focus where it belongs- on your own health and well-being. Send him on his way. Sending peace to you.