9M difficult child... I'm wearing thin fast.

[SuZir]

I'm not condemning anyone. But if you consider being in one home with same caregivers from two week-old and having couple overnight visits to grandma and few couple hour visits with bio mom as a chaotic childhood, then my difficult child had extremely chaotic first year even though I always thought he had normal and safe enough. He visited his grandparents more than couple times overnight during his first year, he was hospitalised for a month during the more critical attachment period, he had also aunts and uncles taking care of him over night etc (because of him being such a difficult baby and me and husband being totally exhausted.) However my kid certainly has never been exhibiting any Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) symptoms but have been very clear to show he has preferred caregiver (lack of which is a criteria of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), while lying, stealing, fire setting, poor eye-contact etc. are not even though kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), like anyone else, can also develop those symptoms and for example conduct disorder.)

I think it is rather mean of you to assume that Aimless has been such a horrible parent that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) could had developed, when all she tells us is, that this child has been well and safely cared for his whole life.

 

[BusynMember]

Read about it and then get back to me.

Are you going to share your experiences that indicate you have knowledge of dangerous children? I doubt it.

 

[SuZir]

I have read about it because I have a godchild who had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (long ago recovered.) He is a child of a good friend, adopted from Russian institution at five with a sibling who also had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) when adopted (and who has also recovered.) The mom of their is close to me and shared a lot of her search for information of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). She came across (and I too read) Nancy Thomas and her ilk and all that 'attachment therapy' circle but went with mainstream, evidence based treatment instead and kids have fully recovered from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Both do have some neurological issues though. Other alcohol and drug exposure related other maybe alcohol related or not, but diagnosed as ADHD. But right now in their teens they are doing very well.

What do you mean by dangerous child? Aimless's child has not physically harmed anyone. Neither has either of mine (well, too badly, few concussions and broken bones, lots of cuts etc. but most not too intentional), nor have they burnt down any lived buildings (only one outbuilding) or anything like that. However I was once seriously scared my kid could turn into the school shooter and still can see that as a possibility how it could had gone if we had been bit less lucky.

 

[BusynMember]

That's nice, but share you story. You are the only one on this entire board who is here but we don't really know why. It makes no sense to come here, give advice, and not tell us what you have gone through. I speak for nobody but me, but I am leery of anyone here who hands out advice without giving us their story so that we know how much experience they have really had. It is odd that you will not even give us a background of your supposed difficult child. To me, that equals no credibility. Why won't you tell us about YOU so we can judge if you "get it?" Why don't you at least put down that you live in Europe, if you don't want to name a country. Yes, it makes a difference.

Although you give us very limited info on yourself, your kid, or what makes him a difficult child, you do give out A LOT of advice. Hmmmmm...

I don't watch Dr. Phil.

Aimless is no longer here. Lock the thread?

 

[Aimless]

Holy Potatoes, Friends! I think that the trend in this thread has just made very apparent the sensitive struggle of every parent who has a child who for whatever reason proves challenging and difficult.

I think that it is important to say that I really love and appreciate ALL of your comments on my experience. Each of us is in a different place, emotionally and relationally, with our difficult child(s). None of us is here to diagnose each other's kids, but instead to share their experiences, good and bad, as they navigate this painful journey. No one should have to go thru this alone and let's not allow these very diverse and difficult struggles to divide us.

To refocus the intent of my purpose in sharing, I want you to know that I am sharing a very complicated story in a very brief forum. Also, it has been a journey of ups and downs, trials and errors, good days and bad, and will continue to be. We have loved, cared for and tried to meet the increasing needs of each of our children as we were able to identify them. Having a child with mental and emotional challenges is entirely different from having a child with Down's Syndrome or a disability that is clearly visible, allowing parents and the community to adjust their expectations accordingly.

Maybe it somehow got overlooked in the thread, let me recap:
1. difficult child is a loved and valued member of our family, he is here because we choose to parent him, not because we have to.
2. difficult child has been extremely challenging to diagnose and discern what his mental capacity is or the stability of his psyche.
3. difficult child has been evaluated and under the care of our state's foremost pediatric group, two neurologist who specialize in substance exposed infants and children, a team of Early Childhood Interventionists, seasoned teachers, and a neuro psychologist who specializes in adoption, bonding and attachment, all of whom agree that he is a difficult read and likely a mixed diagnosis of impaired cognitive abilities, an attachment deficit of unknown degree, and mood disregulation.
4. "labeling the exact cause" of difficult child's disabilities is no longer the focus of this very qualified and capable team of professionals, instead "how can we help him work with what he has" is the focus. And its no simple task.
5. difficult child is not ostracized or alienated by our family. His obtuse, self centered behaviors and anti-social manner of relating to his siblings and my husband and me creates distance in his relationship. It is very challenging for both children and adults alike to understand why difficult child presents so charming and capable one minute but then becomes so oppositional, cold and uncooperative the next with no obvious reason for the transitions. His siblings are some of the most forgiving, generous, patient people I know and I can assure that 20 years from now, in the unfortunate even that nothing we do to help difficult child works, he is a low functioning, anti-social adult, it is these 7 siblings who will still claim him as their own, even if he's intolerable to society.
6. Only God knows what the future holds for our difficult child. I will continue to constructively use what I know about him and the tendencies he exhibits to determine what is and is not safe for him or others, including YOU and YOURS, and ME and MINE.
7. Please hear that I am sharing how I am managing MY feelings and experiences about how struggling to meet my difficult child's special needs and challenges are affect MY life. I am NOT sharing his challenges so you can judge how well I am handling them. If you don't understand the difference between these two statements, please refrain from sharing.
8. The fact that our difficult child is adopted has no real bearing on MY feelings and understanding of who he is today. We don't regret adopting him, we had no expectations that he would be perfect or without challenges, and will continue to advocate for him always.
9. We don't believe we caused him to be a disabled child, but we will continue to exhaust every resource trying to help him have a healthy, happy life. We don't hate our difficult child, we hate the way his maladaption, anti-social, and passive aggressive tendencies sabotage his efforts to make friends, get and education, and enjoy a deep, meaningful relationship with family members. We are grieving HIS losses in addition to setting aside our personal frustration and anger when he does hurtful or destructive things to our family and home.
10. To be clear, difficult child has intentionally physically hurt others seriously and made threats to kill the loved ones of children whom he has felt "wronged" by. He has told his 8 year old sister when they were playing alone and he didn't get his way, that he would kill me so that she would see how mad he was at her. While he does not EVER throw tantrums, scream or yell at anyone, he has a very cold, detached demeanor that is very flat in affect and lacking normal displays of emotion. His waters run deep and we would be asleep at the wheel if we did not continue to keep a close eye on this child. difficult child's neuro psychologist strongly believes that our vigilance and additional supervision by older siblings that has kept a serious incident from occurring. This may not continue to be the case as our older children move out, get more involved outside the home and difficult child gets physically bigger and the strong tides of puberty start rolling in.

Thanks for listening.

 

[tiredmommy]

MWM~ Please stopping chiding SuZir and others for not sharing more personal information. She has as much right to be here and contributing as anyone else. FWIW, I remember her family's struggles and she is legit. There is no reason to be acting like the membership police. If there's a problem with a post, thread or member then you are to report it to a moderator, not start in on someone. This is at least the second instance in recent weeks you have gotten into an argument with this member. Please keep this a safe place to land for all members.

 

[Malika]

Aimless, you are sounding rather different in the way you are talking about your difficult child now. It also wasn't clear (to me, anyway) that he has been involved in hurting others or threatening to hurt them. The amount of help you are receiving also was not clear to me. I am not accusing you - for all its usefulness, I think communication over the internet has real limitations.

Squabbling like this in a thread is rather rare here so feelings have obviously been heightened... MWM, I do feel you sometimes tend to see your adopted-son-that-went-wrong in every similar-sounding case, even vaguely-similar-sounding case. We all do tend to project our own circumstances onto others, to some degree. We don't know to what degree attachment was a factor in the case of Aimless's adopted son, though something was clearly very wrong, right from the start. He sounds as if his defences are so well entrenched that it would take some superhuman power to unlock them now; it seems heartbreaking, for all concerned.

Is there anyone or anything that could unlock your son, Aimless?

 

[BusynMember]

Malika ande Suzir, she has left. I am in touch with her. Please stop the judging. How would you like it if everyone jumped all over you? And, Malika, no I don't. I don't see your son that way. However, I think you may see ADHD everywhere and I'm not even convinced J. would get a simple ADHD diagnosis if an American neuropsychologist evaluated him. There are cultural differences in diagnosing, whether there should be or not. Let's not squabble. This poster is unlikely to respond or even read this anymore.

I believe her son was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). That is serious. Malika, your description of what this child is like in your eyes is how Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids are. Of course it's heartbreaking. She is trying to do the best she can. Some days, you can barely handle J. let alone a child like hers and seven others. Please...this is unhelpful. This woman is an experienced mom even with special needs kids and if anyone could unlock him, she could. But this is beyond what just a mother can do.

I think the thread should be locked. JMO.

 

[tiredmommy]

MWM~ You have stepped over a line here. Your words and tone in this thread are very antagonistic toward other members. I suggest you take a break from the board to cool down and remember to think it through before you submit a comment.