I've been reading new members posts......recalling my own journey with my troubled daughter......and I thought I'd add a possible different way to frame this path.....
My daughter has continued on her quest to find ways to not be responsible for her own life. She was evicted from the home she lived in for 2.5 years, the former roommate refused to allow her to remove her belongings and the house burned to the ground last week with all of her stuff in it, along with her car. She is couch surfing. I've spent the last 6 years learning how to detach from her choices, her behaviors and her lifestyle. I could see this latest development as a tragedy, but I don't, I see it as all of the things that my daughter has used as her excuses for staying in inertia have literally gone up in smoke. I see fire, as in nature, cleansing..... an opportunity for new growth.....(or not)...... I have made great strides in my detaching and accepting.....where she goes from here is entirely up to her. She is aware of my stance and accepts it.
Detaching from my daughter was for me. In many cases, our kids change once we change. In some cases, they do not. We don't know which way it will go, but what appears to be true for most of us, is that continuing with enabling is unhealthy for both parents and child.
A number of years ago I made peace of mind my goal. I figured if I had that, everything else would fall into place. I made myself the absolute priority. I knew I had work to do, it wasn't about my daughter, it was about me finding me within the fog and distress of enabling. I put the focus on myself, the same focus I had on her shifted onto me.....that alone brought on change.
My life has blossomed in every possible way since I made the choice to put myself first, to make my needs the priority and to practice self compassion, self love and self acceptance. I joined a support group with like minded folks and began therapy once again. I made an internal commitment to bring more compassion and kindness in to my life and that decision brought about many shifts. I began seeing the ways in which I abandoned myself. I removed myself from certain connections where I could see that I was not being loved in the way I now required......I made direct requests of those around me for kindness and a softer touch......to my grateful heart, the response was swift and beautiful.....my ability to allow love in, grew......as a result I started seeing things quite differently.
I communicated differently, not reacting, but responding. I asked for what I wanted, directly. I stated my case when I didn't like something which brought about change. I let go of people who didn't want to change along with me. I opened to new people and gained some wonderful new friends.
I lost weight as a result of cleaning up my diet and exercising, my body responded by letting go of stress with the result being chronic neck and back aches and pains disappeared......I'm in better shape than I have been in 20 years. All of the stress I held in my body is gone.
We've decided to go to Hawaii and see if living there is an option at this point. We're planning trips to other cultures to see if living in another country is a viable choice now. .....I've been meditating daily first thing in the morning and it starts my day on a calm, peaceful note.
My daughter was the catalyst for change. The opportunity for me was to learn detachment but more profoundly, to learn to accept life rather than argue with reality. Reality is what is, I can rail against it till the cows come home, but it does no good other than to make me suffer. "While pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." I chose acceptance. That acceptance of life on life's terms, not mine, allowed me to reside here in the moment, not in the future, not in the past, but right here.......Living in the here and now allows me to show up in each moment open, free and available......not afraid, controlling or yearning for something different than what is. Expectations began to dissipate.
I saw this as a spiritual path, a lesson, a learning experience, an opportunity for growth. It opened up the playing field, it included all of my life, not only about my enabling my daughter, but all of my choices, the way I perceived myself and my role in her life, but also my role in LIFE. How did I want to spend the moments of my life? I answered that question for myself and recognized that each moment I may have to choose again.....and maybe again..... but if I keep choosing life, joy, peace, love, truth, compassion, connection and acceptance, then my life will reflect those values........just as my life reflected the fear, worry, pain and struggle when my answer to that question was, "I want to save my daughter"........then my life was about saving my daughter.
There is life after enabling our kids.....whether they change or not.....in my belief system, it's imperative for us to choose LIFE, however we see that for ourselves....each moment in life is precious, we won't get it back.....when that preciousness, that wonder, that awe, that beauty, that remarkable life force is recognized and we become grateful for the profound gift that life is...... we move into the natural flow of life...acceptance.
My daughter has continued on her quest to find ways to not be responsible for her own life. She was evicted from the home she lived in for 2.5 years, the former roommate refused to allow her to remove her belongings and the house burned to the ground last week with all of her stuff in it, along with her car. She is couch surfing. I've spent the last 6 years learning how to detach from her choices, her behaviors and her lifestyle. I could see this latest development as a tragedy, but I don't, I see it as all of the things that my daughter has used as her excuses for staying in inertia have literally gone up in smoke. I see fire, as in nature, cleansing..... an opportunity for new growth.....(or not)...... I have made great strides in my detaching and accepting.....where she goes from here is entirely up to her. She is aware of my stance and accepts it.
Detaching from my daughter was for me. In many cases, our kids change once we change. In some cases, they do not. We don't know which way it will go, but what appears to be true for most of us, is that continuing with enabling is unhealthy for both parents and child.
A number of years ago I made peace of mind my goal. I figured if I had that, everything else would fall into place. I made myself the absolute priority. I knew I had work to do, it wasn't about my daughter, it was about me finding me within the fog and distress of enabling. I put the focus on myself, the same focus I had on her shifted onto me.....that alone brought on change.
My life has blossomed in every possible way since I made the choice to put myself first, to make my needs the priority and to practice self compassion, self love and self acceptance. I joined a support group with like minded folks and began therapy once again. I made an internal commitment to bring more compassion and kindness in to my life and that decision brought about many shifts. I began seeing the ways in which I abandoned myself. I removed myself from certain connections where I could see that I was not being loved in the way I now required......I made direct requests of those around me for kindness and a softer touch......to my grateful heart, the response was swift and beautiful.....my ability to allow love in, grew......as a result I started seeing things quite differently.
I communicated differently, not reacting, but responding. I asked for what I wanted, directly. I stated my case when I didn't like something which brought about change. I let go of people who didn't want to change along with me. I opened to new people and gained some wonderful new friends.
I lost weight as a result of cleaning up my diet and exercising, my body responded by letting go of stress with the result being chronic neck and back aches and pains disappeared......I'm in better shape than I have been in 20 years. All of the stress I held in my body is gone.
We've decided to go to Hawaii and see if living there is an option at this point. We're planning trips to other cultures to see if living in another country is a viable choice now. .....I've been meditating daily first thing in the morning and it starts my day on a calm, peaceful note.
My daughter was the catalyst for change. The opportunity for me was to learn detachment but more profoundly, to learn to accept life rather than argue with reality. Reality is what is, I can rail against it till the cows come home, but it does no good other than to make me suffer. "While pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." I chose acceptance. That acceptance of life on life's terms, not mine, allowed me to reside here in the moment, not in the future, not in the past, but right here.......Living in the here and now allows me to show up in each moment open, free and available......not afraid, controlling or yearning for something different than what is. Expectations began to dissipate.
I saw this as a spiritual path, a lesson, a learning experience, an opportunity for growth. It opened up the playing field, it included all of my life, not only about my enabling my daughter, but all of my choices, the way I perceived myself and my role in her life, but also my role in LIFE. How did I want to spend the moments of my life? I answered that question for myself and recognized that each moment I may have to choose again.....and maybe again..... but if I keep choosing life, joy, peace, love, truth, compassion, connection and acceptance, then my life will reflect those values........just as my life reflected the fear, worry, pain and struggle when my answer to that question was, "I want to save my daughter"........then my life was about saving my daughter.
There is life after enabling our kids.....whether they change or not.....in my belief system, it's imperative for us to choose LIFE, however we see that for ourselves....each moment in life is precious, we won't get it back.....when that preciousness, that wonder, that awe, that beauty, that remarkable life force is recognized and we become grateful for the profound gift that life is...... we move into the natural flow of life...acceptance.
Last edited:
Well said, RE. Thank you for putting it into words for us. I would really like to put the word "acceptance" onto my license plate but it's too long. I think it is the key to contentment.
