A low day...but still I rise

[TheWalrus]

Yesterday, daughter texted "needing," acting as though nothing had happened, as though she had not told lies to gain other's sympathy and handouts, as though she had not blasted me on social media. I was short but guarded (as I worry she will use anything I write out on her social media to blast me further). I let her know she had to handle her own affairs, what she needed to do, and that her behavior was unacceptable and wouldn't be tolerated. She was angry in her response but not abusive.

To me.

She used it to flame me on social media. I only found out when I had a friend "check on me," which was strange. And then at work, an unexpected hug and, "I saw what your daughter posted. I am so sorry." It was so humiliating, shaming, imagining the worst as I have no access (and don't want any) to her virtual attacks. My stomach turned, a heavy lump, and I felt the familiar panic, "What has she done now?"

But then...

I got angry. Very angry.

How dare she. How dare she when I have spent my life being here for her, supporting her, tolerating her spite and lies and manipulations.

How dare she when I gave her an amazing life, filled with activities, vacations, wonderful holidays and encouraging her to follow her post HS dreams.

How dare she when she burned her bridges and I took her back in, put her back on track - only to discover she was doing drugs in my house and have HER scream at ME in a drug-fueled rage, to a point I was afraid for my physical safety.

How dare she when no matter how she "throws me under the bus," tells whatever hateful stories she must to garner sympathy and handouts, that I refuse to speak badly of her or defend myself to those who judge me based on her stories.

How dare she when I dropped my life, my job, my family and spent months after her accident by her side, handling her affairs, putting myself in financial debt and emotional turmoil, unable to sleep for fear for her, advocating for her.

How dare she blame me for every wrong in her life while giving her biological father, who abandoned her when she was very young, a free pass and never holding him accountable and making excuses for him at every turn.

How dare she take my love and use it against me, punish me with it, hold it as ransom to her ever escalating demands.

She may drag herself to the lowest point possible...but dammit, I will RISE. I will rise above every attempt she makes to take me down with her. No matter how she tries to burn me along with her, like the phoenix, I will rise from the ashes. I refuse to let her destroy me, the rest of my family, and all we have built.

If she cannot speak to me or about me with love, respect, gratitude, or even honesty, then I want nothing at all.

 

[Tanya M]

Walrus, I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did. Nothing like our kids slamming us on social media.
I reported my son once on FB for how vicious he was being towards me. That's only a temporary fix as he started a new profile with a fake name

If she cannot speak to me or about me with love, respect, gratitude, or even honesty, then I want nothing at all.

Good for you Walrus!!

 

[BusynMember]

Nothing is gained by finding out what an estranged angry family member says on social media. Most people who are adult like have no respect for those who bash family members on social media. Shes the one who looks bad.
Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hugs, Walrus. You speak the absolute truth about our reality.

My Difficult Child did the same--I have no idea what he does on FB. He unfriended me and i blocked him and that has worked out nicely.

My brother, a judge, in response to my unbelief at the accusations Difficult Child has made against his dad and me was : Let him tell that to a judge and see how much sympathy he gets.

For some strange reason, that observation helped me put Difficult Child's absurd accusations in perspective. Although, I already knew of their ridiculousness.

Folks on CD told me, from the get-go, that Difficult Child's will try to engage you at any level. That has certainly played out for husband and me.....Difficult Child has done this at any level. A few months ago, when Difficult Child called husband (using an app that showed the call was coming from the state in which my father in law was in the hospital, ahem)......husband told Difficult Child that he was just too mean for us to have a relationship with him and mentioned an example. Difficult Child's response? I was just trying to engage you in a conversation.

Over and out for his dad and myself. We will continue to take long breaks from Difficult Child ....and continue to hope Difficult Child has a change of heart.

 

[Copabanana]

How dare she. How dare she when I have spent my life being here for her, supporting her, tolerating her spite and lies and manipulations.

Me too, with my son.

How dare she when I gave her an amazing life, filled with activities, vacations, wonderful holidays and encouraging her to follow her post HS dreams.

Me too.

How dare she when she burned her bridges and I took her back in

Me too.

How dare she when no matter how she "throws me under the bus," tells whatever hateful stories she must to garner sympathy and handouts, that I refuse to speak badly of her or defend myself to those who judge me based on her stories.

Me too.

You will be our standard bearer Walrus.

You have perfectly described my own rage. Unfortunately, I quickly crumble and no matter how much I know I did not cause it all, I attack myself because I do not know how else to deal with this. Yet.

When he is away, in another city, I can live my life. Each day is better.

When he is near me, I attack myself. It looks like he is here to stay.

I have to find another way.

Very quickly it becomes "I hate myself." I cannot seem to tolerate his mistreatment of me without abandoning myself.

I am so grateful to you. Because what you have written is my truth too. I feel like printing your post out and putting it on the fridge. To remember.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

We could call it, "Ode to Parents". Bravo, Walrus!

I felt stronger just reading it. I am so very sorry that you are going through this pain. I am very sorry that ANY of us are going through such unfanthomable pain. Thank you for putting it so adeptly into words. You spoke straight from the heart and are very strong in your resolve. I am proud of how brave you are!

 

[wakeupcall]

What a GREAT post! Thank you. I not only will apply this to my Difficult Child, but to my estranged daughter, who doesn't attack on social media, but because I won't let her run my life, has ostracized me. My children cause me severe mental and emotional pain....period. Working hard to rise above...

 

[Childofmine]

Walrus, I am so sorry for the shock of hearing this and hearing it like you did.

It is amazing what drug addicts will stoop to. And I believe they strike at us the hardest, the most vicious, because they are so used to us doing and doing and doing for them, and they are so very angry that now, we will not.

What will they do if we don't save them? By golly, they might have to start saving themselves. And they have no idea how to go about doing that.

I will never forget my son, one of the last times he got out of jail, pounding on my door at 2 a.m. I thought I had it all planned out, and the night he got out I left the house and spent the night away from home, knowing he would walk here in the middle of the night and wake me up. Being awakened like that adds insult to injury. So I left a note and some basic provisions on the front porch. When I came back the next day it was clear he had been here. The note said don't ever come here without an invitation. I thought I had set the boundary and I relaxed. He waited until the middle of the night the very next night to come and pound on the door at 2 a.m. I got up and was enraged. I was so mad I couldn't see straight. I opened that door, and said meet me around at the garage. I threw my clothes on and got my car keys and purse and said when I got out there: Get in the car. I then proceeded to tell him that he would never come to my house again in the middle of the night or at any other time without an express invitation from me, and if he did I would have him arrested. I said I am taking you to an all-night restaurant and dropping you off. He was so angry and I was too. When he got out of the car, his last words were: F___ You.

I went home and went back to bed and went to sleep. My anger was a very clean anger. I was so done with him at that point and it felt good.

I think that "clean anger and so done" is something I hear in your post. I think that is the one good thing that comes from their escalating behavior. We can't believe it, but it makes things a whole lot clearer.

And then we are able to set a firmer boundary which is exactly what they need anyway.

In your case, can you step away from her for a while? If she texts, don't respond. If she calls, don't answer. If she FB messages you, don't respond. If she comes to the house, don't answer the door.

I think stepping away, which is something I did several times, silently, can be a tremendous relief for us.

Stepping away helped me further my own recovery from enabling and get my mind clearer about who I was, what I would tolerate and how I wanted to live my life.

In both of our cases---yours and mine---our DCs are full-grown adults. We have done our jobs. They have their own lives to live and if this is the way they want to do it, then so be it. When I finally got to that point (through the grief, through the despair, through the exhaustion, through the anger, through it all), it was freeing for me. I learned something about letting him go and about letting all people go.

This is a very good thing to learn in all areas of our lives.

I am still sorry for your pain and your shock at the depths to which she will sink. Please think on this: it's not personal. She is not at all remembering or recognizing all you have done for her, and all you have been for her. She is thinking about what she wants and how to get it. That's it. Very simple. I know that doesn't help much, but it's the truth.

We are one very thin spoke on their "wheel" of life. There are many spokes that they will tap to try to get what they want. Because they realize at some base level how much we love them, and because for so long, like you wrote, we did it all and we did everything for them...they strike back so furiously at us in particular. But she'll move on to the next spoke and at some point, there will be no more spokes to tap.

On that day, when it finally comes, she may decide to start the hard work of change. That's her call, and there isn't a thing you can do about it to hurry it up.

Hang in there. This could be a very good day for you and for her.

 

[Albatross]

I'm so sorry, Walrus, that she reacted to the hurt she caused by hurting even more. For what it's worth, she is just using the tool that she thinks works, because she doesn't want to learn to use any others. It is sad when we see how very, very little our feelings register on their radar.

Your post captured my feelings perfectly. When that time comes, when we have finally had enough. You said it best, how DARE they? Finding that strength, and that separation, is a real turning point, I think.

 

[InsaneCdn]

You said it best, how DARE they? Finding that strength, and that separation, is a real turning point, I think

As someone else was saying on another thread...
PIVOT.

 

[TheWalrus]

I am bent, but not broken. I refuse to break.

She does not get to use my love, my concern, my worry, my fear for her as a weapon against me. Because I do love her.

I don't like her choices.
I don't like her actions.
I don't like how she uses others to avoid responsibility.
I don't like the words she uses to talk to me or describe me to others.
I don't like her lies and manipulations.
I don't like her irrational, impulsive, destructive behavior.
I don't like the hateful, spiteful, ugly side of her.
I don't like her selfishness and sense of entitlement.
I don't like her blaming me for everything that goes wrong in her life.
I don't like her chaos and drama and histrionics.
I don't like her drug use.
I don't like her refusal to seek help or admit she has problems.

As a matter of fact, I hate every one of those things. And until she can make consistent, authentic steps toward changing those things, then I refuse to be emotionally or financially responsible for her any more.

I made my point very clear in my last text - I want no contact until I can be her mother and not her punching bag. She can say what she wants, tell all the lies she wants, take advantage of others' kindness as they allow, but they will see her reality soon enough.

Nothing I have ever done, no words I have ever said, no "help" I have ever given has changed her. If that doesn't tell me something, nothing ever will. So - no more.

 

[pigless in VA]

Walrus,

I think you deserve this:

 

[rebelson]

Oh. Wow. Our addicts are very similar...VERY.

And, all those nice things you're dtr was provided with? Same for my son. I know that 'material' things are not all we need to be emotionally healthy adults. But, he had tons of the love and support, as well. Did I do it all perfectly? Nope. I was 22, a new nurse graduate, dating his father when I birthed him. He was a super easy baby/toddler/child. But, as he got older, he became argumentative. And that got worse.

Anyways, it seems like you are leaps and bounds ahead of me in terms of strength.

 

[UKMummy]

I love this post. I mean, it's so sad but your strength is inspiring. I think we all feel that strength in waves. Sometimes we have the rage but sometimes just the sadness. I prefer the rage.
My mobile rang yesterday with a number that I didn't recognise. I didn't answer but the thought that it might be my Difficult Child made my stomach roll. Instant anxiety hit. Then so sad that the thought of my boy ringing me could make me feel like that. I love him so much but I don't want to hear from him. I hope he's happy.