A mother's pain..enough is enough

[CARP_ENOUGH]

Welcome
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so very painful and I wonder if a lot of our pain is the guilt. The guilt that as a mother we should be 'fixing' them, helping them sort things out etc.What I am realising is this: they are cleverer than we think. They can arrange to do everything that suits them but yet appear unable to take responsibility when things go wrong, they know right from wrong so it has to be a choice. A choice they make because they know we will pick up the pieces. I guess its about starting to make better choices ourselves and thats the difficult thing. Thinking of you. xx

Hello Lostinsadness, Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have tried private therapy and it has helped some. I stopped over the last 18 months and also gave up medications to calm me which I felt I had to be a big girl Mom and give up. Now we are back to the roller coaster again. I have realized that I can only speak to my son when I feel I can withstand the negative charge because every other day now for the last 2 months, he goes between "I will survive and am an adult" to "My heart is barely beating, the anxiety and depression is killing me Mom". I'm ready to go to heaven " My son says these things that contradict eachother and leaves me with total PAIn and confusion and the GUILT comes back to me immediately even after I have detached and therapy. I don't know what else to do? Do I just block and pretend that I disappeared forever? This is so painful and such a Mother's nightmare..I saw my Mother go through it but she enabled and never did let go. She forfeited relationships for her love of her son, which I will NOT be foolish enough to do as she did. I feel so responsible for his sadness because I left his father when he was 9 years old and I had a couple affairs before that..my EX told me son everything when he was 13 and now my son reminds me of it all the time and I feel condemned although I have vowed to change my life and GOD knows I am sorry and regretful every second for my mistakes and failings. My daughter who is 18 is an Angel and my current partner , he is so supportive and I feel like my son is killing me slowly emotionally and my soul is bleeding every day for him. I am so blessed and thankful for this site and feel I'm not alone anymore. Pray for us all and I don't know any of you but you are all blessed ANGELS. hugs.

 

[Littleboylost]

Hello Littleboylost..thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have tried private therapy and it has helped some. I stopped over the last 18 months and also gave up medications to calm me which I felt I had to be a big girl Mom and give up. Now we are back to the roller coaster again. I have realized that I can only speak to my son when I feel I can withstand the negative charge because every other day now for the last 2 months, he goes between "I will survive and am an adult" to "My heart is barely beating, the anxiety and depression is killing me Mom". I'm ready to go to heaven " My son says these things that contradict eachother and leaves me with total PAIn and confusion and the GUILT comes back to me immediately even after I have detached and therapy. I don't know what else to do? Do I just block and pretend that I disappeared forever? This is so painful and such a Mother's nightmare..I saw my Mother go through it but she enabled and never did let go. She forfeited relationships for her love of her son, which I will NOT be foolish enough to do as she did. I feel so responsible for his sadness because I left his father when he was 9 years old and I had a couple affairs before that..my EX told me son everything when he was 13 and now my son reminds me of it all the time and I feel condemned although I have vowed to change my life and GOD knows I am sorry and regretful every second for my mistakes and failings. My daughter who is 18 is an Angel and my current partner , he is so supportive and I feel like my son is killing me slowly emotionally and my soul is bleeding every day for him. I am so blessed and thankful for this site and feel I'm not alone anymore. Pray for us all and I don't know any of you but you are all blessed ANGELS. hugs.

None of us are by any means perfect. The past does not predict our future. Be kind to yourself and I do hope that your son finds some stability and joy.