A Prayer

[New Leaf]

It’s been a long time since I have posted. I recently had a “mini” visit from Rain while I was coaching. She appears out of the blue every once in awhile, like an unexpected shower. I could tell by her demeanor that she was down, then she ceremoniously handed me a small camping double burner she took after her Dad passed. I asked her if she was okay and she shook her head no, then disappeared without a word.
It made me sad, then a little mad because these kinds of impromptu encounters bring up so many unanswered questions.

No communication.

What is a mother to do with all of the feelings that surface? I am trying to keep steady state and hold my own. Part of the sadness I feel is because although it seems a small thing, her handing me that stove, it is also a big thing.
A statement....without words.
“I won’t be needing this anymore.”
I know, I know, don’t go down that rabbit hole Leafy.
It still hurts.
It feels like a very realistic fear, that my daughter may take her own life.
She already is slowly doing this with meth use and homelessness.
During my morning walks, I pray even more specifically than ever, that God watch over her and guide her to get help.
I have lived with this for so long, I have had to face reality that my two might not survive their choices.
This is one of those times that makes me wonder, if it will be the last time I see my firstborn.
Those thoughts weigh heavy in the air, as I try to go about my days and console myself that there is nothing more I can do but leave her and her sister in God’s loving hands. I don’t mean to minimize faith and the power of prayer.
It is out of my hands, and sometimes that leads to this empty, sad feeling, that I have no say, no control over what they decide. They must value their lives enough to make better choices.
Meth is a horrible, horrible drug. It has taken over my two daughters lives, and changed them so very much.
If only love could save them. If only they would wake up one morning and say no more.
No more drugging.
Hopefully one day soon.
Most days I am okay and resolved to accepting that this is the way things are, that I have no control over what my two choose. That I have my son to look after, and the rest of my life to live.
Today I am letting the tears flow, and acknowledging the heartache of it.
I miss them.
God please watch over them and touch their hearts and minds, lead them to your light.
Amen.
Leafy

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oh Leafy. I just wanted to say, I get it. You're not alone in these feelings. I'm glad you posted here. Gentle hugs to you.

 

[Beta]

I'm so sorry. I understand very well the grief and sadness. The same feelings and fears. I just texted my 28yo after two weeks of resolving not to attempt it. He is a former soccer player and I texted a neutral comment about the upcoming World Cup, hoping that maybe, just maybe, a neutral comment like that might create a connection, one that isn't tinged with sarcasm, profanity, and abuse. Wrong again. Our relationship is truly gone, at least for the time being. I pray for him often, begging God to intervene and restore him. I too wonder if I will ever see him again. Some days, I can go along and accept things as they are; other days, it's just really hard. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that many others walk with you on this hard road. May God surround you with comfort and with His peace.

 

[BusynMember]

I think today it is you who needs our love and compassion and healing energy...the kind you always give to us. Imagine us sitting with you, holding your hand and feel our support and vent more and more if you have to. We are listening. We care

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh Leafy....we're circling our wagons around YOU now, as you so gently do for all of us.....I am sorry, I know that fear as well, our greatest fear.....

my two might not survive their choices.

Your girls are in God' hands......my prayers, my heart, my warm, loving wishes are with you....
You're not alone Leafy, we're all here for you.....

 

[Albatross]

I'm so sorry, Leafy, for the agony of uncertainty and fear you are feeling. We understand. I am saying special prayers today for your girls, and for you. We are all here for you.

 

[pasajes4]

Many gentle hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Those kind of encounters rattle us to our very essence.

 

[Copabanana]

You are strong new leaf. You can rest.

You, all of us, are held and embraced, if we but allow ourselves to relax and feel the support.

Our stories are not all there is.

Strong against the warm current you rush to jump into the strong arms of life.

That is who you are. Who you have always been.

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you all so very much for your kindness, understanding and prayers.

Oh Leafy. I just wanted to say, I get it. You're not along in these feelings. I'm glad you posted here. Gentle hugs to you.

Thank you so much, Crazy, hugs back to you.Your posts are always so comforting and wise.

Our relationship is truly gone, at least for the time being. I pray for him often, begging God to intervene and restore him. I too wonder if I will ever see him again.

Beta, I so understand your grief and am sorry for your aching Mommas heart. I am trying to reflect on the blessings I had raising my two. They were a joy as youngsters. Oftentimes, parents are plagued with difficult challenges with their children, health issues, physical and mental illness. We had many wonderful moments. I am hoping that one day they will remember the good times and use that to climb up and out of the grip of drugs.
I wish you peace as you travel this road along with many others who have lost relationship with their adult children. I reflect on the story of the prodigal son. Hopefully our feverent prayers will guide them to find their true selves, and be restored.

Some days, I can go along and accept things as they are; other days, it's just really hard. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that many others walk with you on this hard road. May God surround you with comfort and with His peace.

Thank you for your kindness and for reaching out to me.

Imagine us sitting with you, holding your hand and feel our support and vent more and more if you have to. We are listening. We care

Swot, I am so very glad you are here and continue to help people with your wisdom and love. I feel your presence and light. Mahalo nui from the bottom of my heart.

Your girls are in God' hands......my prayers, my heart, my warm, loving wishes are with you....
You're not alone Leafy, we're all here for you.....

Re, you are such a blessing. Your name reminds me that as long as my two are struggling, I have a continuous mission to work on stabilizing my life, working on my peace. Your love and care shines through all of your posts. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, compassion and own experiences.

I'm so sorry, Leafy, for the agony of uncertainty and fear you are feeling. We understand. I am saying special prayers today for your girls, and for you. We are all here for you.

Thank you Albie. We have our work cut out for us in walking this journey. I so appreciate your presence and love.

Many gentle hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Those kind of encounters rattle us to our very essence.

Thank you Pasa. Yes, I am rattled. I am slowly coming round to hope that Rain will use whatever is happening in her life to seek help. I have to stop from the catastrophic thought process and calm myself down with faith that all rests with God.
It takes work.
I will be okay.
Guys, I have to say that your encouragement and understanding have helped to lift me. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Much aloha to you all.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Ps. Confession. I am also angry. It is because this stuff begins to feel like manipulation. I don’t know if I have become calloused, or anger is a coping mechanism, maybe a bit of both.
But, darn it, the word encounter pegs it. It is not a normal thing to appear and disappear without speaking.
There is this awful void about it, that invokes a roller coaster of emotions.
Addiction and drug use is so selfish.
I am working at stepping back from the rabbit hole. I will not go into the swirly whirly.
Thank you all for helping me to regain my footing.

You are strong new leaf. You can rest.

Copa, you may never know how much I appreciate your presence, love, honesty, insight and guidance.
This is what I have been telling myself. Sadness is not a weakness, it is okay to feel it, release it and get back up. Thank you for your affirmation.
I am so thankful for CD, the blessings we have in being able to share our thoughts and grief with people who understand the hardship.
We have both come very far in facing the challenges.
My heart goes out to you in your own journey.
I am battle weary, but not broken, ever more resolved to overcome and keep building my strength.
I feel that prayer and lifting my life is the best thing I can do to show my two that all things are possible.
Thank you dear sister for your encouragement.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[BusynMember]

New Leaf nothing is normal with these kids. I had so much joy from Goneboy as a child. I never dreamed he would just walk away and never come back. Yes, he had problems from six years in an orphanage but I thought he loved us. I had a few red flags that I didn't pay any attention to and I hadn't known he had proposed to his sister until recently. Princess never wanted to discuss it.

When he disappeared I was a mess. I spent intil my 40s and beyond sad about my family of origin too and I can still be triggered by contact. My method of coping is my higher power plus the many blessings of my other loved ones .The second is huge. The fa t is you DO have functional, loving other children to help wash away the pain maybe?

Remember It's not all negative. I try to think of something positive when my brain goes south. I find it helpful.

We can't change our kids or their choices. Wish we could. But we CAN count our blessings! I heard of Gratitude Journals and have one I do t use it enough but it is there.

Love to you....the big fat sunshiny love that you so deserve.

 

[Tanya M]

Sending you love and hugs!!

It's so hard when they drift in and out of our lives.

I have lived with this for so long, I have had to face reality that my two might not survive their choices.

I too have done this with my son. It's the only way I was truly able to move on. It's far to easy to wallow in the fear of the unknown and to conjure up in our minds all the horrible things that might happen.
The very hard and cold truth, is all of those things could happen. Once I accepted that my son very well could die and that I might never know it, was not only one of the hardest things I've ever done but also one of the best things I could do for myself. The heartache is always there but it's not in the front seat with me as I journey along, it's in the trunk.

Today I am letting the tears flow, and acknowledging the heartache of it.

Oh the healing and cleansing that can come from a good cry!

No matter how far along we get on this most difficult journey, no matter how strong we are, no matter how much we successfully detach, we are still parents that love our children. I as you, leave my son in the hands of God as there is where I draw my strength.

 

[newstart]

It’s been a long time since I have posted. I recently had a “mini” visit from Rain while I was coaching. She appears out of the blue every once in awhile, like an unexpected shower. I could tell by her demeanor that she was down, then she ceremoniously handed me a small camping double burner she took after her Dad passed. I asked her if she was okay and she shook her head no, then disappeared without a word.
It made me sad, then a little mad because these kinds of impromptu encounters bring up so many unanswered questions.

No communication.

What is a mother to do with all of the feelings that surface? I am trying to keep steady state and hold my own. Part of the sadness I feel is because although it seems a small thing, her handing me that stove, it is also a big thing.
A statement....without words.
“I won’t be needing this anymore.”
I know, I know, don’t go down that rabbit hole Leafy.
It still hurts.
It feels like a very realistic fear, that my daughter may take her own life.
She already is slowly doing this with meth use and homelessness.
During my morning walks, I pray even more specifically than ever, that God watch over her and guide her to get help.
I have lived with this for so long, I have had to face reality that my two might not survive their choices.
This is one of those times that makes me wonder, if it will be the last time I see my firstborn.
Those thoughts weigh heavy in the air, as I try to go about my days and console myself that there is nothing more I can do but leave her and her sister in God’s loving hands. I don’t mean to minimize faith and the power of prayer.
It is out of my hands, and sometimes that leads to this empty, sad feeling, that I have no say, no control over what they decide. They must value their lives enough to make better choices.
Meth is a horrible, horrible drug. It has taken over my two daughters lives, and changed them so very much.
If only love could save them. If only they would wake up one morning and say no more.
No more drugging.
Hopefully one day soon.
Most days I am okay and resolved to accepting that this is the way things are, that I have no control over what my two choose. That I have my son to look after, and the rest of my life to live.
Today I am letting the tears flow, and acknowledging the heartache of it.
I miss them.
God please watch over them and touch their hearts and minds, lead them to your light.
Amen.
Leafy

Leafy, Your post hit the very core of my soul. Let's just say she gave back the burner because she was not using it anymore and she needed room in her life for better more useful things.
I am praying with you for you, that God will restore your daughter's minds and that you will feel deep down peace of mind.
One of the traits that our off track kids have is that they actually enjoy giving us worry and will make things look worse just so we do worry, they want to keep us in bondage and sadness. It is hard to rise above that to get to the place in your mind where you can feel peace, I have to force myself in that place so I can heal and I have a feeling you have such a center in your mind. We have to put 500% of our trust in God to help them get on the right path and in reality there is NOTHING we can do but pray and hope for the best. It is hard to do this I know but it can be done. I know in my darkest hour I have built a peace haven in my brain, God has helped me build it and I go there for rest no matter what is going on. Right now I have a multitude of crap going on and I have been resting in my little haven, even if that rest is for a few minutes. How I wish your girls would hurry up and get on the right track. As we both know it has to come from within them. My daughter worries me to the core but I am learning more and more everyday to find peace. Wish you lived close I would take a wonderful nature walk with you.

 

[Triedntrue]

Leafy your councel has helped me through so much. I know we often think the worst because they have conditioned us to do so. I offer my prayers along with yours that your daughter is safe. I also pray that maybe she is recognizing that her life is not ok and that giving you back the stove is the first step in trying to change her life for the better. Prayers are with you.

 

[Littleboylost]

It’s been a long time since I have posted. I recently had a “mini” visit from Rain while I was coaching. She appears out of the blue every once in awhile, like an unexpected shower. I could tell by her demeanor that she was down, then she ceremoniously handed me a small camping double burner she took after her Dad passed. I asked her if she was okay and she shook her head no, then disappeared without a word.
It made me sad, then a little mad because these kinds of impromptu encounters bring up so many unanswered questions.

No communication.

What is a mother to do with all of the feelings that surface? I am trying to keep steady state and hold my own. Part of the sadness I feel is because although it seems a small thing, her handing me that stove, it is also a big thing.
A statement....without words.
“I won’t be needing this anymore.”
I know, I know, don’t go down that rabbit hole Leafy.
It still hurts.
It feels like a very realistic fear, that my daughter may take her own life.
She already is slowly doing this with meth use and homelessness.
During my morning walks, I pray even more specifically than ever, that God watch over her and guide her to get help.
I have lived with this for so long, I have had to face reality that my two might not survive their choices.
This is one of those times that makes me wonder, if it will be the last time I see my firstborn.
Those thoughts weigh heavy in the air, as I try to go about my days and console myself that there is nothing more I can do but leave her and her sister in God’s loving hands. I don’t mean to minimize faith and the power of prayer.
It is out of my hands, and sometimes that leads to this empty, sad feeling, that I have no say, no control over what they decide. They must value their lives enough to make better choices.
Meth is a horrible, horrible drug. It has taken over my two daughters lives, and changed them so very much.
If only love could save them. If only they would wake up one morning and say no more.
No more drugging.
Hopefully one day soon.
Most days I am okay and resolved to accepting that this is the way things are, that I have no control over what my two choose. That I have my son to look after, and the rest of my life to live.
Today I am letting the tears flow, and acknowledging the heartache of it.
I miss them.
God please watch over them and touch their hearts and minds, lead them to your light.
Amen.
Leafy

My dearest Leafy you have been on my thoughts and in my heart so much lately. Sending you hugs and warmest prayers from across the devide.
This is hard, it truly sucks. The only consolation is knowing we are so pained because we love and care for them so very much.
The symbolism of Rain giving back the stove is so very heart wrenching. This wretched horrid beast of a drug that steal our children like a Black Plague.
I read in the local news lately that 38 overdoses occurred in a small community that had held an electric dance party/slash rave. It was buried behind the headlines about the noice pollution of the event. I still have tears of rage in my eyes that we as a society are so blasé about the drugging habits of our youth. Some of these ODs were fatal as well.

I want to scream to the public that this is a pandemic that is eroding our youth and we are just like a pile of sheep standing around watching the carnage.

I pray for you and your family and especially I pray that you find peace in knowing you are a loving mother who did everything in her power to love and care for all of your children.

 

[Kalahou]

New Leaf ~ I join the others with aloha nui for your hurting and healing heart.

They must value their lives enough to make better choices. ...

We have all learned here that there is no other way. "If only love could save them," they would not be where they are.

What is a mother to do with all of the feelings that surface? ... Today I am letting the tears flow, and acknowledging the heartache of it ... I miss them.

We know those feelings all too well. And we miss them (we miss who they were, and who we know they could be.)
You are so not alone, dear Tita. In the midst of the swirly, Kūpa‘a me ka lōkahi e.

I pass many parks to and from town. I see them, the park dwellers. My heart lifts a prayer ~ for them and for us all.

Thank you for sharing, Leafy. We are here for you.
Malama pono, dear one. One day at a time. ~~ Ka la hou ~~

 

[Kalahou]

I ka pule .... Slow down, Breathe, Leafy.
The Prayer

 

[wisernow]

May all of your guardian angels wrap their wings around you and your hurting heart and give you light and hope. Hugs

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you all for your replies and prayers.

The heartache is always there but it's not in the front seat with me as I journey along, it's in the trunk.

I like this imagery TM, it is a good way to be present with what is, and move forward.

we are still parents that love our children. I as you, leave my son in the hands of God as there is where I draw my strength.

This has brought me through many dark times. I am thankful for that strength from God, it is what I have to lean on and keep the faith.

Let's just say she gave back the burner because she was not using it anymore and she needed room in her life for better more useful things.

I will hope this to be true, Newstart, that is a more positive way to look at it.

One of the traits that our off track kids have is that they actually enjoy giving us worry and will make things look worse just so we do worry, they want to keep us in bondage and sadness.

I have often pondered this. Down that rabbit hole of worry, it is difficult to lead our own lives and find peace and joy. It seems we become targets, rather than cherished parents. I believe that’s why we need to gain our own sense of self back.

I know in my darkest hour I have built a peace haven in my brain, God has helped me build it and I go there for rest no matter what is going on.

That is perfect, a peace haven.

My daughter worries me to the core but I am learning more and more everyday to find peace. Wish you lived close I would take a wonderful nature walk with you.

I find peace in walking and prayer. In a way, we are all walking together on this site, helping one another on this path.Thank you Newstart.

I offer my prayers along with yours that your daughter is safe. I also pray that maybe she is recognizing that her life is not ok and that giving you back the stove is the first step in trying to change her life for the better. Prayers are with you.

Thank you TM, prayers are powerful. I will try to view this in a different way, that Rain is making amends.

I still have tears of rage in my eyes that we as a society are so blasé about the drugging habits of our youth. Some of these ODs were fatal as well.

Lbl, I am aghast at the enormity of this, how drug abuse has affected all walks of life.

I want to scream to the public that this is a pandemic that is eroding our youth and we are just like a pile of sheep standing around watching the carnage.

It is a pandemic. I don’t think I have met anyone who’s family has not been touched by it.

I pray for you and your family and especially I pray that you find peace in knowing you are a loving mother who did everything in her power to love and care for all of your children.

Thank you LBL. I never in our younger years imagined this for my two. Sigh. Well, time to tighten up the boot straps and soldier on. I pray for all of our wayward adult children to find their true potential in the battle.
Thank you everyone for your love and light.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf nothing is normal with these kids.

That is for sure, Swot. I have to remind myself that as long as my two are using, that is a factor.

I spent intil my 40s and beyond sad about my family of origin too and I can still be triggered by contact. My method of coping is my higher power plus the many blessings of my other loved ones .The second is huge. The fa t is you DO have functional, loving other children to help wash away the pain maybe?

I am sorry for all you have endured. Despite everything you have lived through, you are a wonderful person. The second is huge. I do have my three healthy children to look to. Of course, my two will try to use that as if I love them more. Not true.
I feel for parents who face this with one child. My three are very matter of fact when it comes to their sisters. It helps snap me out of the lows that come with the journey.

We can't change our kids or their choices. Wish we could. But we CAN count our blessings! I heard of Gratitude Journals and have one I do t use it enough but it is there.

I have much to be thankful for, this is true. It is all in God’s hands and I have to remind myself that it is up to my two to choose better.

Love to you....the big fat sunshiny love that you so deserve.

Love back at you Swot. I am camping this weekend on a beautiful beach with gorgeous sunset views. It will be a welcome relief and quality time spent with my son.

New Leaf ~ I join the others with aloha nui for your hurting and healing heart.

Mahalo nui loa Kalahou. How wonderful to “see” you.

We have all learned here that there is no other way. "If only love could save them," they would not be where they are.

So true. It is what it is.

You are so not alone, dear Tita. In the midst of the swirly, Kūpa‘a me ka lōkahi e.

Thank you dear, time and all of your support has helped me step away from that pattern.

Thank you for sharing, Leafy. We are here for you.
Malama pono, dear one. One day at a time. ~~ Ka la hou ~~

I am blessed with so much, every day is a gift. Malama pono.

May all of your guardian angels wrap their wings around you and your hurting heart and give you light and hope. Hugs

Thank you Wiser. I pray the same for all of us.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Tanya M]

I feel for parents who face this with one child.

I can only speak for myself. There are times I've wondered what it would have been like to have other children, I try not to dwell on it. It was not meant to be for me. I had a tubal pregnancy and the following year I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 29. I was always happy with just my one child. I do wish he had made better choices for himself but then I would not have met all you wonderful people.
There was a time that it really bothered me. Not so much that I only had one child but the one child I had was so difficult. Something that helped to put in perspective was to think about others who could not have children or did not want children. It helped me to understand and accept that I should not define who I am by my being a mom.