A Prayer

[strangeworld]

It’s been a long time since I have posted. I recently had a “mini” visit from Rain while I was coaching. She appears out of the blue every once in awhile, like an unexpected shower. I could tell by her demeanor that she was down, then she ceremoniously handed me a small camping double burner she took after her Dad passed. I asked her if she was okay and she shook her head no, then disappeared without a word.
It made me sad, then a little mad because these kinds of impromptu encounters bring up so many unanswered questions.

No communication.

What is a mother to do with all of the feelings that surface? I am trying to keep steady state and hold my own. Part of the sadness I feel is because although it seems a small thing, her handing me that stove, it is also a big thing.
A statement....without words.
“I won’t be needing this anymore.”
I know, I know, don’t go down that rabbit hole Leafy.
It still hurts.
It feels like a very realistic fear, that my daughter may take her own life.
She already is slowly doing this with meth use and homelessness.
During my morning walks, I pray even more specifically than ever, that God watch over her and guide her to get help.
I have lived with this for so long, I have had to face reality that my two might not survive their choices.
This is one of those times that makes me wonder, if it will be the last time I see my firstborn.
Those thoughts weigh heavy in the air, as I try to go about my days and console myself that there is nothing more I can do but leave her and her sister in God’s loving hands. I don’t mean to minimize faith and the power of prayer.
It is out of my hands, and sometimes that leads to this empty, sad feeling, that I have no say, no control over what they decide. They must value their lives enough to make better choices.
Meth is a horrible, horrible drug. It has taken over my two daughters lives, and changed them so very much.
If only love could save them. If only they would wake up one morning and say no more.
No more drugging.
Hopefully one day soon.
Most days I am okay and resolved to accepting that this is the way things are, that I have no control over what my two choose. That I have my son to look after, and the rest of my life to live.
Today I am letting the tears flow, and acknowledging the heartache of it.
I miss them.
God please watch over them and touch their hearts and minds, lead them to your light.
Amen.
Leafy

Leafy, I am so sorry your two are still struggling. You have been such a strong support for me on here over the last few months. I don't know how to overcome the pain and grief that comes with this journey that we, as mother's of lost children, travel. Some days are good and some are extremely dark. I have come to accept therest probably no way around it. I hate crying because it gives me a hangover like no other but I do it almost every day. And while the headaches and blurred vision hurt, somehow my heart doesn't feel as clenched after a good cry.
I will pray for your two. And you and your son. You are so strong and know that you have seriously helped those of us in despair on this board. Just wanted you to know how appreciated you are.

 

[Littleboylost]

I can only speak for myself. There are times I've wondered what it would have been like to have other children, I try not to dwell on it. It was not meant to be for me. I had a tubal pregnancy and the following year I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 29. I was always happy with just my one child. I do wish he had made better choices for himself but then I would not have met all you wonderful people.
There was a time that it really bothered me. Not so much that I only had one child but the one child I had was so difficult. Something that helped to put in perspective was to think about others who could not have children or did not want children. It helped me to understand and accept that I should not define who I am by my being a mom.

I too had the one shot at mamahood. I had a partial molar pregnancy with trophoblastic involvement. Lost a baby and a uterus and the ability to have any more. I doted on my son and yet he says he felt isolated and ignored. I am not brushing off his perceptions. Prepaid he needed a little less Disney and a little more mama at home. It is what it is. I can’t change the past I can only focus on today and not worry about the future. Good God that Sean’s do easy when you write it doesn’t it?? I only wish it was easy. It’s so damn hard. Blame Shane and guilt...they creep in....and o go to my safe places to lock my wounds and regroup.
Having a singular difficulty child doesn’t make us less of a parent.

 

[Littleboylost]

My dear Leafy;

You have carried me through some very dark days as have so many on this sight. Take our strength and love and know we are right there with you. We will never fault to provide you with the support and care that you need.

I weep for the lingering walking death we see and can not control, fix or cure. There in lies our madness.

This is a journey far greater and straining that 40 days and 40 nights.

I pray for support. I pray for enlightenment. I pray you get back 10 fold what you put out to the world my dear Leafy.

This is not your fault
You don’t control it
You didn’t cause it
You can’t cure it.

If love could cure this, none of us would be here.

 

[Wish]

Leafy I am so sorry you are going through this with your beloved daughters. I will pray hard they will see the light.

You have been such a strong support for me on here over the last few months

Yes, she has for me as well. Amen.

and know that you have seriously helped those of us in despair on this board.

Double Amen

 

[New Leaf]

It is early morning here and I am awash in the cool quiet, the stars are still out and I am so thankful for a new day. Each day, the feelings ease up a bit as I work on getting my footing. This has been a journey with ups and downs and sideways, and by the grace of God, I am determined to keep going and try my hardest to live a fruitful life.

Leafy, I am so sorry your two are still struggling. You have been such a strong support for me on here over the last few months.

I have to say that writing here has been a lifesaver. Each time I open up CD and read others stories, I know that I am not the only one dealing with this challenge. I don’t wish it on anyone, because I do believe it is one of the most difficult roads to travel. But, to know I am not alone is a Godsend. As I reply to good folks who come here, as I did two years ago, I am also reminding myself of the task at hand. Keep steady state, be present, be grateful for what I do have, for the blessing of raising my children. All of our stories and challenges are unique, what binds us is the love we have for our children and the despair we feel over their choices. Love does say no. No, I will not go down that rabbit hole with you. I believe each of us has before us, a most difficult task to get back on our feet and be the change we wish to see in our beloveds. As our adult children become wayward and lost in their choices, it is imperative to keep working on regaining our own strength. Take our lives back. I thank you for reminding me of this. The struggle my two have is their own. Their choices and consequences. I pray they will find their true potential and am determined to find mine.

somehow my heart doesn't feel as clenched after a good cry.

When my hubs passed over two years ago, I cried so many tears, so many different emotions emerged. I am still working through the grief, but having to get up and live my life not only for myself, but also my son, forces me to soldier on. The grief over my twos choices is different. It waxes and wanes with chance encounters, like the most recent, the loss is not as final, as losing a loved one in death. Not to minimize that, but this grief of having two wayward adult children creates a challenge, a wrestling of heart and mind, facing reality and understanding I have no control over their choices, or how they view life, past, present and future. On the one hand, where there is life, there is hope, on the other, as they struggle with their own demons, the grief of their choices and consequences renews itself.

I will pray for your two. And you and your son. You are so strong and know that you have seriously helped those of us in despair on this board. Just wanted you to know how appreciated you are.

Thank you SW. I appreciate all of you. It is not that I am so strong. Truly as I write here to warrior parents on the path, I am also writing to myself. Though our stories differ, the feelings and heartache, the despair, I have been there many, many times.

I doted on my son and yet he says he felt isolated and ignored.

LBL, these kids have their own perception of growing up. My two, hold on to my mistakes and use that to excuse their actions. Boy, did I make some doozies. But, we are only human. We did the best job we could, caring for our children with what we had at the time. I’m sure as your sons mind clears, and with experience and maturity, he will have a different view.

I can’t change the past I can only focus on today and not worry about the future.

How wonderful it would be if we could time travel and redo our blunders.

Having a singular difficulty child doesn’t make us less of a parent.

Of course not. I think it is more difficult. Like Swot mentioned, I do have my well children to ease the pain.

Take our strength and love and know we are right there with you.

Thank you LBL. I am very grateful and humbled by your kindness and comfort.

I pray you get back 10 fold what you put out to the world my dear Leafy.

And you as well, LBL. I feel I have already received that.

Leafy I am so sorry you are going through this with your beloved daughters. I will pray hard they will see the light.

Thank you Wish, your prayers are much appreciated. I pray that your daughter sees the light as well and escapes the grip of her relationship. I pray that they make better choices and value themselves enough to say no more, and set a different path.
It is possible.
We can set our own path, even in the midst of it all.
I am off to pack up for camping. Not much reception where I am going, so I will probably not be posting again for a time.
I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me with love and encouragement. I am feeling much better each day, letting go and letting God. I remind myself that I pray in faith that He watch over my two. No matter what happens, I need to look up and realize all things rest with Him.
Life is hard at times, but it is filled with so much beauty. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in sorrow, over something I have no control over.
Thank you all so very much for “walking” with me, and helping me through the sadness.
I am grateful and truly blessed.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Kalahou]

I have to say that writing here has been a lifesaver. Each time I open up CD and read others stories, I know that I am not the only one dealing with this challenge. I don’t wish it on anyone, because I do believe it is one of the most difficult roads to travel. But, to know I am not alone is a Godsend.

Mahalo, Leaf. It is so true and such a releif to have this site where folks understand, and to know we are not alone.
Take care at camping. Bless.

 

[Littleboylost]

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