A step backwards for him and me

[RN0441]

Sending you strength and good thoughts through cyber space!!

My older son who is amazing and just got engaged also reminds me that I am a good mom. I never made any horrible mistake that would end up resulting in a son that is an addict.

Please don't let his teetering ruin your vacation. It really will not help him at all if it ruins your vacation. I know that if it did, you'd surely let it ruin whatever it needed to ruin. That is how I always thought.

You cannot prevent his life from happening to him. None of us can do that. Bad choices result in bad things happening. That is just the way the world works. We cannot change that. Not one iota.

I have seen my son rise and fall many times so I'm not just talking without having experienced the pain you are feeling. I get it.

I always try to circle it back to my son making bad decisions. It's really that simple.

I pray for peace within my own head. It helps me. I don't know if you do that but if so, it could help you too.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks. I feel on more solid footing myself right now. Still haven;t heard anything from my son. We do have a call with his treatment team tomorrow so I will hear something tomorrow. But I am back to looking forward to our vacation. Somehow for me I had to really think about what situations would make me come back... kind of like I had to think about it now before anything happens because if something does happen I wont be able to think straight. So I got clear.... the only reason I will come back is if he is in the hospital and my being here might actually help. I certainly wouldnt come back if he violates probation and ends up in jail. The worst case scenario would be if he overdosed and died.... that feels unbearable and I have to assume that won’t happen. If he is relapsing and in bad shape well my being here won’t change that..... so anyway for me thinking the worse case scenarios helped me think of what I would do... .and the reality is my son is a survivor, has been on the streets before and has there are some good supports in place for him. So good chance he will be fine and so I am going to go and have a good time.

We shall see how I feel after our call tomorrow!

 

[Nature]

Will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

 

[Elsi]

TL go enjoy a wonderful vacation. It sounds like you have reached a place of real clarity! Sending good thoughts that all will be well and you can enjoy a respite while you are gone.

 

[toughlovin]

Well good news and frustrating news. I talked to his program today. My son chose not to be on the call. The frustrating news is he was not actually fired... but he was so embarrassed he thought he would be fired so he “cut his losses” and didnt go back. It is not clear he would have been fired and good chance he could have saved that job. That drives me nuts.

The good news is he tested clean the day after at the program so this sounds like an honest mistake that anyone could make not because he was using. The other good news is they have been in touch with him daily and he is at least ok. Doesnt sound like he has relapsed, at least not in any major way. So that eases my mind a lot.

So I feel better about leaving on our vacation. I know the program will stay in touch with him and help him do what he needs to do and he he has a place to live etc. Hopefully by the time we get back he will have another job!!

Thanks for all your helpful words.

 

[Elsi]

The frustrating news is he was not actually fired... but he was so embarrassed he thought he would be fired so he “cut his losses” and didnt go back.

Oh TL - that sounds exactly like something one of mine would do! Not funny, I know, but I almost have to laugh here because it's so familiar!

I wonder sometimes - which comes first, the drug/alcohol use or the poor life skills and decision-making capabilities? Which is cause and which is effect?

Well...learning opportunity! You know he's ok, he'll move on from this and know better for next time he makes a mistake at work (and who doesn't?). Go enjoy that vacation!

 

[Copabanana]

he thought he would be fired so he “cut his losses” and didnt go back.

Dear TL.

Have a great time on vacation and try not to worry. Please.

I think I understand your son's logic.

Maybe he felt he was "safer" doing the leaving himself. Maybe he felt that he would feel bad about himself, and vulnerable, and might relapse if he were to be fired. And to guard against that, he left first. He did it to himself before anybody could do it to him. He took control.

I can really see the logic in this. It is like when people leave a relationship in order that they are not rejected. Or act hard to get with somebody they really want. And push the person away.

Although it is self-defeating, if you are a highly vulnerable or sensitive person, it can protect the ego to act first. When he feels safer, more sure of himself, he will be able to tolerate more.

Did you ever find out why he did not answer your text?

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks Copa.... That makes sense... especially the part about protecting the ego. He is vulnerable and sensitive and likes to be in control..... so yeah he just couldn’t handle the humilation of being fired, and also the embarrassment. It does make sense even if it is frustrating.

He is not responding to me at all which is also frustrating. I think I will call him tomorrow night and see if he will answer... just so I can at least say goodbye. I suspect he is avoiding me because he doesnt want my advice or what he percieves as a lecture from me.... so I guess that is my clue that when I call him just try to connect and say goodbye, I love you and see you when we get back.

 

[Copabanana]

so yeah he just couldn’t handle the humilation of being fired, and also the embarrassment.

I don't see it as "couldn't handle." I see it more as "chose to not handle, as to not take the risk." Look. He is a realist. He has not handled things so good. He needs to protect his gains. He is doing that. Rome was not built in a day. I think there is a glass half full here.

He is not responding to me at all which is also frustrating. I think I will call him tomorrow night and see if he will answer... just so I can at least say goodbye.

TL. Could he be doing a variant of the same thing with you, as he did with the job. Take control. He will leave first. Before you get the chance.

You are the one leaving. He is taking control, cutting his losses by withdrawing. This seems to be his way of protecting himself at this point in his life. I can imagine how it feels, but these guys don't have much to give right now. He is martialing all of his strength and coping, to protect himself. He is not thinking of you.

You will be OK on your trip. He will be OK. He is trying to chill. (He is probably a little bit worried. But that is OK.) You will be OK.

When I take trips I start worrying about dying. AND I CANNOT DIE. Because of my son. Who would protect him? My son cannot get far enough away from this nut-case behavior.

You will be fine. He will be fine. Have a great trip. PS Your son sounds like he is doing very well.

 

[toughlovin]

Ijteresting thoughts Copa. You could be right. I think you give him more creidt than I do. I dont know how well he is doing.... but it doesnt sound like he is doing terrible. I am going to call him tonight and try to at least connect before we leave . Just to let him know we care about him and I will not try to problem solve with him unless he asks for advice (which I dont think he will.).

 

[toughlovin]

So I did call him tonight and he did call me back and I feel much better. He sounds like he is doing ok. Although he might have kept a job there he would have gotten a pay cut and it would have been a worse job so he doesnt want it. He has 2 job interviews coming up. He has saved money so feels he will be ok until he gets another job. So it does sound like he will get back on his feet. I told him it sounds like he handled this well, that it could have derailed him and it didn’t and that was really good and I was proud of him for that. His friend is still visiting which I also think is good. So I can leave tomorrow feeling pretty good. Phew.

 

[Nature]

I agree it could have derailed him but it didn't and the fact that he had two interviews coming up shows he wants to keep moving forward.

Breathe a little easier now and allow your mom heart to rest a while from the fear and anxiety it's experienced. Enjoy your vacation and return with renewed energy and positivity.