Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.cutting my son off causes the trauma and panic to reappear.
I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.cutting my son off causes the trauma and panic to reappear.
I hear your words....."to get out of this world myself" tells the story of PAIN where our sons are concerned. My family (love them dearly) don't ask about him much anymore - probably because they don't want to know because it's......awkward. None of them have been through anything like this - two of the 4 of us don't have kids! Anyway, I've bought books - been to therapy - and just gave in AGAIN when I Googled something like "your homeless adult child" and ended up here. I hate to say it - but I'm THRILLED that I'm not alone.I stumbled across this site only 7 weeks ago when I had reached a point with my sons whereby I felt the only way I’d ever escape the chaos that came with them was to get out of this world myself. I had reached a point where I simply felt I just couldn’t possibly carry on this living hell. I don’t have one family member or friend who has ever truly listened (as in wanting to hear what I have to say) , advised me or that are able to relate to my situation.
For the first time ever of my 26 years of being a parent, I’m finding the strength and knowledge of what I can do to help me and my sons. Undoubtedly that is mainly thanks to this site. I am beyond grateful to the most incredible bunch of people I have ever encountered. The wisdom, experience, support and pure selflessness on here has given me the tools to allow myself to come first, the strength to say no to my sons, to be able to detach and allow them to be them and me to be me.
So Very Drained, I am so glad you have found this site too and am sure you also, will gain so much from the absolute godsends on here
Please don’t despair (I hear the defeat in your messages) Sending hugs
Where is the article on detachment?Welcome dear Scout. I am sorry you are walking this path. I know your heart hurts and while your mind knows what to do, your heart creates doubt. I am a Mom to a 37 year old son who began the manipulation game at age 11. in his teens he got into drugs and from there everything spiralled badly. Despite making every attempt to help him ( He used attempted suicide as a manipulation card often) nothing and I mean nothing worked. In the meantime our daughter wasn’t given the attention she so deserved, and our family fell apart. My husband and I divorced. having walked through and out of this wreckage here are some learnings for me.
Your son is an adult, not a child.
He has the right to make choices. They may not be your choices and that’s ok.
As an adult he is responsible for the consequence of his choices.
instead of giving cash I suggest a gas and food coupon. you don’t know what he’s spending the money on.
you can direct him to community resources he can go to should he choose that can help with shelter and job seeking.
You have no power over him but you have power over yourself!
You as an adult are responsible for your health and well being. To this end may I strongly suggest the following. Keep going to therapy to learn how to detach in a loving way from your son. I have been in therapy for over a decade.
Read, read, read the stories from others on this forum who have walked this path. Their words of wisdom have sustained me on many a day. Copa, New Leaf have been long term members and their stories and advice have lifted my heart many times.
KEEP reading the article on detachment. Sometimes I read it 3 times a day.
Nothing and I mean nothing will change as long as this spin cycle continues. You have the power to change your reaction.
Others will come along to offer words of support to you. Just know that as parents we have done everything we could, cried rivers of tears, spent lots of money, damaged ourselves, our health, our esteem, friendships, family all in an effort to try to avert a potential train wreck.
Choices have consequences and consequeces can create growth. Please reclaim yourself, your courage and your life. Only you can do this and you know you can! Baby steps are fine but keep making them. Hugs to you Scout.
Where is the article on detachment?
Thank you, Copa!I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.
Click on Conduct Disorders on the banner at top, then Parent Emeritus, it’s the first post.Where is the article on detachment?
Found it, thank you!Click on Conduct Disorders on the banner at top, then Parent Emeritus, it’s the first post.
Yes I am struggling massively with the pain that comes with their lifestyles but also lately (maybe due to the festive period etc) with severe loneliness. I spent Christmas Day and New years eve/day on my own. I guess partly because like you, my siblings and other family members don’t quite understand or want to hear the madness that surrounds my life. I am saddened I’m so alone but I am very much determined to keep a distance between myself and my sons, that only in recent times I have ever successfully been able to maintain.I hear your words....."to get out of this world myself" tells the story of PAIN where our sons are concerned. My family (love them dearly) don't ask about him much anymore - probably because they don't want to know because it's......awkward. None of them have been through anything like this - two of the 4 of us don't have kids! Anyway, I've bought books - been to therapy - and just gave in AGAIN when I Googled something like "your homeless adult child" and ended up here. I hate to say it - but I'm THRILLED that I'm not alone.
I feel this down to my core. Son was MIA for Christmas and my mom died on New Year's Day, funeral today. Guess who was a no show. How do you explain his absence. Most know not to ask. He's not just estranged from us, his parents, but also everyone else. But I'm angry, right or wrong, he kept saying he would be there and then nothing. And then I have to stop blaming myself. His choices!!!!! Why can't I get that into my heart and head. You are not alone. At first, I was trying to fix things, but now I realize I can't anymore. I hate that he lives out of his car and wants nothing to do with us except money.I hear your words....."to get out of this world myself" tells the story of PAIN where our sons are concerned. My family (love them dearly) don't ask about him much anymore - probably because they don't want to know because it's......awkward. None of them have been through anything like this - two of the 4 of us don't have kids! Anyway, I've bought books - been to therapy - and just gave in AGAIN when I Googled something like "your homeless adult child" and ended up here. I hate to say it - but I'm THRILLED that I'm not alone.