Abandonment issues

[Copabanana]

I think adoption has been as hard on me as on my son. How? Because I have been as dependent upon him as he has on me. He is the light of my life and when he goes dark, it is like my own light dims. I am working very, very hard to exist and thrive apart from him. I really really believed that we had done this. That my love for him had made him strong, had helped him thrive, had insulated him from the worst. And then it turned out that this was in doubt. Because when it came time for him to stand on his own two feet, he resisted, and I had a hard time letting him hobble or fall.

I understand that this has to happen. He has to test himself and he has to risk, and I do too. I have to tolerate his stumbling and falling.

I think adoption affects this process a lot. Who will they be when we let go? If I let go will he remember my love? What are the forces that make somebody themselves? As long as we held on tight, or hold on tight, we have some control. When we let go, will genetics surge forth? Will the structure and impetus of our lives collapse?

When we adopted them the strength of our love for them, at least for me, felt biological. We were intensely connected from the first seconds. There was never any doubt. How frightening it is for them to move away from this. How frightening it is for us to trust, when we let go. I think bioparents don't have the same degree of doubt about attachment. Because it was not as-if biological. It was biological. Maybe our kids have the same insecurity.

I agree with SWOT. I think adoption is hard. I think parenthood is hard. I think adoptive parenthood is really hard.

I think that the abandonment our kids might struggle with is fear that we will abandon them. Not their bioparents. And I think I have fears of abandonment that get triggered too.

 

[BusynMember]

It was a shock to the family of my friend's birthmom when she was called by my friend. Nobody knew about her, not even her husband. That was in the day when all adoptions were sealed tightly. The first thing her birthmother said was "I knew you would come one day! I knew it!" She lived ten minutes from where my friend had grown up.

Her birthmother was both shocked and happy and terrified at first. The oldest daughter she had with her husband was not happy to find out she was NOT the first and oldest. The other two siblings, a son and younger daughter, were welcoming from the beginning. The relationship between my friend and her birthmother was on and off at first because of guilt of birthmother, anger, resentment, love, newness etc.

It was her husband who was the peacemaker and technically he was not related to her,but he took on a strong grandpa role and mediated and when he died her kids were devestated that Grandpa was gone. In time this family came to depend on my friend as she was very strong and both families leaned on that. She is close to her birth siblings, less so to the older one, but their kids call her Aunt. She spends holidays with both families. There is a lot of love.

She was included equally in the family will and they had means.

But This could have gone bad. But my friend at 37 was going to meet her birth family and had been in therapy a long time in preparation. She was ready for any response. There was no stopping her.

She didnt tell her parents she was searching until afterward. A lot of the searching was so that her three beloved kids had a clear identity and full medical history. But she herself was so curious as a person...she had to know and was going to know.

About the birthfather: Her birth father had passed away and the father's family was not friendly to her at all. She had been the only child he had ever conceived. She got some pictures from his brother but did not keep in touch. She had been most interested in her birthmother anyway.

Not all stories are happy like on TV. I think after the first meeting other stuff can surface. This brief story I told that sounds so perfect was not so wonderful at first. I did not get into the highs and lows of the first year or so. It was good then not so good. My friend called me crying a lot. It was very emotional.

In this case it ended nice for everyone and my friend's daughter had a baby girl two years ago and named the baby after the birth grandmother.

The parents are all passed now.

I think the fear of abandonment with adopted kids is from the adoption and so did my psychologist. That first abandonment, according to him, makes them fear anyone may leave them. Many think "If my mother can give me away NOBODY will love me!" But I do not see my adopted kids as insecure of who they are, not even Sonic. And Jumper is plain a strong, stable person. Princess is less secure but not of her ability to care for herself or fight for her child. And she has a strong identity. They dont need me to define them.

Bart, my birth child, is more insecure in many ways than my adopted kids. Its not supposed to be this way....but psychology is not perfected yet! He seems more afraid of being abandoned too(not by me, but, say, girlfriends) than any of my adopted kids. I think if people worry about abandonment they worry about that from all people, not specifically us. I would think more spouses and girlfriends at their ages.

I dont know if what my psychologist told me about the first abandonment is right. To me psychology is not science at all...not yet. It is to me just theory and man made conclusions that cant be proven. Psychology keeps changing as nothing is provable.We arent there yet as far as the mind goes. We dont know what makes us tick. Or why. Even academic papers are opinion/theory until it can be proven by a difinitive testing. In a lab. In the brainwaves. On an xray. Otherwise it is a guess.

I agree that sometimes raising kids is hard. Bart was really a hard child. I mean HARD. Princess was hard in high school. Sonic was relatively good natured, compliant and easy. He tried very hard. I dont remember Jumper ever doing anything wrong....easiest child ever. Princess is 12 years older and she remembers how easy and fun Jumper was too. Her joke is "Why cant my daughter be as easy as Jumper was?" My Grand is a sweet little imp. Not easy

Love and light!

 

[Smithmom]

All of mine were closed adoptions legally. The youngest one's contacted us on his 21st bd and has had some contact. She stopped that. I think she will want to meet one day. But my son has limited understanding. The middle one contacted her on fb and she denied it. The oldest as above and she won't want any contact. I have them listed on reunion websites. So there's a significant risk of rejection which they have to be ready for. As in my son's case I think if there was drug abuse during pregnancy and that situation has changed there is higher risk of rejection.

I also think there's a huge loss of info if the birthfather was not known. How can we talk about feeling "whole" if the birthfather is not known. Also, will she want to admit that there may not hgave been any relationship with the birthfather

 

[Smithmom]

Copa, I don't share your concerns about loss of connection. Wish I knew why. But I know in my soul that they will always be mine. Yes, they have said this. But they don't need to. I know it is so from both sides. Mine were all adopted as infants. But even then. You have never repeated anything that J said to indicate that the bond might be broken. Do you really feel that it could be broken?

Also why do you make a connection between his ability to be independent/ your parenting and the bond? I don't feel any connection between those two things.

 

[BusynMember]

Smithsmom, I agree about the father, although my kids seem disinterested in theirs. Not sure why. But we have birthfather names too. Jumper has already seen her birthfather's mugshot on the Illinois prison site. She looked him up. I dont see a close relationship in their future. He is a drug addict who held up a store clerk with a gun and she is a Corrections Officer planning to go back to school to become a cop. She is extremely anti drugs. This is the man her birthmother wanted to shield her from. She had protective orders against him too. Too bad too. I met him and he is very intelligent and extremely handsome and could have made something out of himself. But he blew every chance he had.

My friend who found her birthmother is 62 now and all adoptions were closed then but she still found her birthfamily. I know she had help but dont recall the details.

 

[Smithmom]

SWOT, what I am trying to say is that I can picture a situation in which a birthmom may not want to admit to having had a child when the birthfather was unknown. I'm not referring to a situation when she doesn't want to put a name on paper. That is common. I'm referring to when the relationship was very short term. Or one of a series of short term. In particular if she later marries and has young daughters this may not be something she wants to admit. I think there can be all kinds of reasons a birthmom of a 20 something may not want to acknowledge a child. But its not a rejection of the child. The questions of paternity alone can be complex.

I know that statistically adoptees typically look for birthmom. But the question of paternity always comes up. I don't see how the adoptee can feel "whole" without searching for both. And I think the paternity question alone can concern a birthmom.

 

[BusynMember]

Ah, Smithsmom. Yes, I get that. And you are very right. It can be really complex.

 

[Copabanana]

There are also babies born as a result of rape or coerced sex or manipulation.

 

[BusynMember]

Yes indeed. Sad. Incest too. A couple who already had two girls adopted about nine kids from abroad. One was a young boy from Asia who was an incest baby. She was willing to take bold chances and had a very interesting family. She and her husband also adopted a girl from Asia who had two parents with paranoid schizophrenia. And she adopted a 15 year old from Nam who never really adjusted and kept running off. He had a baby somewhere but she never saw the baby or met the mother and her son never saw them again. Copa he had active Hep B too and was not interested in compliance. In general he didnt stick around much at all. The other kids had normal parents as far as they were told. They also did local foster care.

We lost track of the family. I wonder how the children did. They would all be grown by now, some in their 30s.

 

[Smithmom]

My sons, being boys, I don't think are capable of grasping the complexities these situations represent for a biomom. In their minds its "I don't care" who the biodad was, I just want to meet her and my sibs. "I don't care" how she got preg or who he is. But if I were a biomom I wouldn't be interested in any contact until I knew how to answer these questions and explain it to the sibs. So what they may see as rejection I see as complexities that will be irrelevant in 10 years. When all the sibs are fully mature it will be easier. What grandma did 30+ years ago doesn't have the impact of what she did when I was little or not long before I was born. This is part of my logic for not pursuing a woman who denies it and another who will face anger.

This doesn't make my kids happy now. My narrative to them doesn't include how biomom and dad met. They see me as non-supportive in their search. I see it as a timing issue.

 

[BusynMember]

More savvy adoptees often dont tell Mom what they are doing and just search. There is an immense adoption community with many ways to help out, even overseas adoptees. Luckily for you your boys dont know this.

My friend searched totally without her parents. She didnt tell them of her plans.But she decided to do it and was going to do it. It took about a year since she had little info.

But my friend was a caring, thoughtful person and if her birthmother had told her that being a part of her family would destroy her marriage and family she would have asked her questions then left. She had no malicious intent and always thought of other people. She wanted nothing except answers to questions that were sincerely keeping her from living a totally happy life.

It turned out that her birthmother sat her family down and told them all, but my friend would never have just shown up and declared who she was to the world. She gave it tons of thought. She let her birthmother decide how far to take it.

I met my friend when she was pregnant with her second child and I was waiting to adopt and she helped me immensely about how she felt as an adopted child. Back then we were about 25. Even then she was going to search. But she waited until she was 37.

Although she would never have broken up the family nothing was going to stop her from meeting the woman who had all the answers to her questions. She felt she was owed at least that.

The first time she saw her birthmother she said it felt so strange,as if SHE (friend) had given birth...the same connection. She said it was like falling in love with your child. That soon turned into a difficult year of adjustment.

Your sons may not be ready to meet their birthmoms and may never be thoughtful about it. And may not ever figure out how to do it. And if they have aggressive or financial reasons to want to search, I hope they dont.

It is ridiculous of them to blame you. If they want to search they can look elsewhere for ways.

Those registries dont often work. Either nobody checks them or both are too shy to make the first call. My friend spent months being afraid to call.

It is something that should require deep thought. But in the end, if they decide to search they will and they dont need you and often the parents dont know about it because the child usually feels it will hurt their parents and most dont want to. Many kids search as much for their siblings as the birthmother.

This should never be done in haste or impulsively but sometimes it is, depending on the child. Or birthmother. Sometimes SHE is the one who searches.

At any rate, you are very caring and thinking of all angles and I hope your sons pick up on that. You seem like a very bright woman who thinks of everything before doing anything. And to me, who can be a scatterbrain, that trait of yours is a precious thougjtful gift. You have much empathy.