??? About Losing A Child Or A Loved One

[mom_to_3]

We have new next door neighbors, maybe 3 months or so. We are friendly, not overly close. They did tell us that the reason they moved was because their son was killed in a motorcycle accident and they just couldn't stand being in the same small town it happened in. I guess their son was well known in the community, I think he was 18 yrs. old and had just graduated. They said so many people stopped talking to them and when they were at the grocery store or out and about, they could hear people whisper "there's so and so's mom". They just couldn't take it anymore.

Interesting enough, their son died on my birthday! Is it proper for me to do something for them, send flowers, offer a hug, cook something, what? Certainly I shouldn't ignore this important day in their lives. Please, somebody share with me the proper thing to do.

 

[Sunlight]

if they mention their son mention to them about your birthday and ask if they would like you to remember their special day with them or if they prefer to remember it in private.

I know when my son died, I nearly crawled into a closet. I felt weird. no one I knew had lost a child. no one would mention him to me at all. if I brought it up, they cut me off. gradually no one spoke of him to me at all. even now it has been many years and no one mentions him. it is like he only existed to me.

the first 10 yrs or so I was so distraught I called off work on the anniv date of his death. on his birthdate it was terrible because it was my mother in law's birthday. each year I had to be at a party and sing happy birthday and a lot of time bring the cake for her. I hated that.

I would be tempted to send your neighbor a small card just saying thinking of you on this day, if you want to talk, I am here.

 

[Suz]

I think acknowledgment of any kind would be appreciated. One of my dearest friends lost a daughter to SIDS many years ago. For years I would send a card around the time of her death to let them know I was thinking about them and their baby. I know it meant a lot to them to know that someone remembered and wasn't afraid to talk about it with them.

Suz

 

[tpcmom]

I agree some kind of acknowledgement see if they would like to do that. My son was born on New Years Eve. I just can't imagine how it will be, I can't even think of it.

I know I wouldn't want anyone to forget.

 

[busywend]

Just ask. It can not hurt to know for sure.

Janet - I SOOOO know what you are talking about. Nobody wanted to mention his name and it was just so beautiful to me. After awhile I felt like I could not even say it, that made me even sadder.

Suz, you are such a good friend! That was very sweet. Even my mother did/does not acknowledge the date.

 

[Suz]

Busywend, I PM'd you.

Suz

 

[jbrain]

Hi,
I lost my first son to SIDS back in 1981. I really appreciated people acknowledging him and being able to talk about him. Suz, that was very kind of you to send a card each yr to your friend who lost her baby.

Mom to 3, it is so thoughtful of you to want to do something--I too think a card would be very much appreciated.

Jane

 

[gottaloveem]

I think sending a card and letting them know that you are thinking about them on this difficult day is thoughtful. I always appreciate any kind of card people send to me. It is true that most people are afraid of mentioning your child that has died. They think they will hurt your feelings. Our feelings are hurt anyway. Remembering birthdays or angeldays is a very caring thing to do. JMHO

 

[mom_to_3]

Thanks for the answers. I went ahead a got a "thinking of you" type card and wrote a note in it. I just put it in their mailbox in case the day was too painful for them to face anyone.

 

[slsh]

Something my mother in law does that has endeared her to me forever - she sends an angel ornament every Christmas for Ellen (Boo's twin). She is the only person, outside of husband and the kids, who even remembers Ellen was ever here I think. I like that it's a remembrance of her that isn't on her b-day or the anniversary of when she died - it's completely separate from that sad period of our lives.

I think people tend to expect you to get over it and ... I don't know, maybe forget? Everyone is different I guess - I know in the immediate months and even years after her death, I didn't want to talk or share with- anyone because I felt like it was intensely private and intensely my own grief, my loss.