acceptance

[BusynMember]

I totally love your ideas, Jodie.

 

[Weary Mother]

Thanks SomewhereOutThere!! I hope to be able to put plans in motion, with out fear.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I love all your ideas Jodie.

I've found that focusing on myself is a process, it takes time. It's like learning a whole new way of perceiving the world where my thinking shifts into what is it that I need as opposed to what do "they" need. Each small choice leads to the next choice and those lead to bigger choices which leads to real change.

You're doing an excellent job, you've shifted that focus, you have plans, you're implementing those plans. And, there is grief, I believe that is part of it, we are letting go of the way life has been for a very long time.......I think it's healthy to acknowledge and feel that grief.......along with the excitement of putting together a new life. I was a bit surprised how that grief popped up occasionally......but as time went on that lessened considerably.......

If you're interested in any books, I found these to be helpful along the way....... Codependent no more by Melodie Beatty; The power of now and the New Earth by Eckhart Tolle; Comfortable with uncertainty and Living Beautifully by Pema Chodron and Man's search for meaning by Viktor Frankle.

 

[Mamacat]

I too am walking to a new and different life. Partly excited and happy thst the stresses are gone, but also sad that I have no contact with my granddaughters.

 

[Weary Mother]

recoverenabler & amann: I got an email from my son in prison, saying when he gets out he will come over more and help me around the house and that he is glad I am writing because at least someone is thinking of him. I am considering writing him back and telling him that although I will always love him, his time as a child has passed. The times when he could have come over and helped and been a part of my life has now changed. I am considering seriously, selling and moving which will come as a shock to him as I think he and my daughter both think I will always be there and that while they are off doing whatever, this picture over here where I am never changes. And I have adjusted over the years to not having family to help me as I get older so I am self sufficient which he needs to work on for himself. A visit would be great and help when needed is appreciated, but he has missed a lot of opportunities and I feel now that he is a familiar stranger. How to recover family relations that have been cut off in mid stream and now he wants to resume, kind of at the point of long ago like time stood still and now since he has ruined his life he now has time for me, like its all he has. Any suggestions?

 

[recoveringenabler]

I think the way you're thinking is healthy and positive. If moving is something you really want, for YOU, then I say, go for it. Not only has the time as a child passed for him, the time of parenting has passed for you.

My suggestion to you would be to continue planning your life YOUR way. Do what makes you happy, what brings you joy. Focus on yourself, make yourself THE priority. Get as much support as you can for your new life. Every single day, do something kind for YOU.

I moved out of the town I had lived in for 32 years, 2 years ago. It put a 30 minute distance between my daughter and myself and it's amazing what a difference that made. I was no longer "right there." After I retired I was a tad lost in space for awhile, but now, after 10 months, I'm feeling so much more energy and motivation......so much weight has been lifted off of me in recent years that I had to get used to walking around without it. I started a very healthy diet regiment which I wouldn't have done when I was in the throes of so much enabling.......and began doing a lot of hiking and working out.......I learned a whole new way of cooking and I'm probably the healthiest and in the best shape I've been in for a long time. Putting the focus on ourselves brings many rewards.

It's said that addictions arrest development and if your son has been addicted for a long time, he likely has lost a lot of time...but you've motored through it all and as you said, adjusted. And you'll continue to adjust, as I have......and I believe a very different kind of life will emerge for you.......as it is emerging for me. Keep doing what you're doing, you're making good progress and that progress will continue to lead you to the next step as you make these life changes. Your task, in my opinion, is to worry less about how it's going to turn out for your kids and to keep setting strong boundaries........the rest will happen without any control and you can trust yourself to do what is appropriate when the time comes to recover family relations. Perhaps writing your son how you presently feel will help you, only you can know that.

You're doing a really great job Jodie.....I'm impressed. It's our time now........

 

[Weary Mother]

Thanks recoveringenabler, I do think I will write him a letter detailing my present situation, and do it with love. I do care about him, but must journey on and let him do the same for himself. I think at this point, as he has burned a lot of his bridges and he is getting older, he is now looking to me for some comfort, which I do understand and can give, but he has to now grow up, which is the place that his development stopped. He was using in his early twenties and late teens. So now for him, he has a lot of catching up on his maturity to do. At 48 that will be hard. I do sympathize. And I want to be there to give him moral support and encouragement, but then at times that line can blur and it becomes enabling, you know?

 

[RN0441]

Jodie

Don't let him guilt you into anything. Of course he knows you love him and are thinking of him. I agree with Recovering. Follow in her footsteps. Live YOUR life.

Good grief he has to figure this out on his own!

 

[Weary Mother]

Yes he does. Part of my issue is detaching and letting that happen. Hard stuff, but with help and input I think I can do it. Of course there are the tears and pillows along the way.

 

[Mamacat]

Not so strange Jodie, that was my motivation too and I had a therapist call me on that (which was one of those times you want to literally run from the room screaming!)

The therapist told me that often a codependent (me) will do whatever it takes so WE don't have to go through the intense pain of letting go.....that I was giving and giving so as not to feel my own pain, so as not to feel the utter powerlessness and lack of control, to face my fear of what would happen to my daughter if I actually really let go. It was an interesting (and not easy) dramatic shift in my internal focus, it helped me to see that I had the power to change my response if I were willing to go through that pain and accept that enabling my daughter was about ME, not her and if that is true, I now had the power to change. And, frankly, it was so dang painful trying to hold on that letting go seemed like a better choice! That's also when the therapist explained the FOG to me, which he said was the place I went when I couldn't choose......a stuck place where I couldn't rescue anymore but I also couldn't move ahead and let go......stuck in the middle, in the FOG, which can last for quite some time.

Seems to me Jodie, that you have learned a lot and are now ready to let go and accept.....which changes everything. Celebrate your realization.....do something for YOU.

Wow! That is so amazing. Never thought of my rescuing as something I was doing for myself to avoid the pain of letting go of my daughter and granddaughters.

 

[recoveringenabler]

that line can blur and it becomes enabling, you know?

Yes it can. What I found as I began changing is that I had to address every situation and issue newly, I could not rely on my old way of responding, so I had to really give each issue a lot of consideration and usually would ask my husband or my girlfriend or a therapist if I was in therapy at the time, "are there any holes in my thinking?" Because I was in the middle of that shift you're talking about.......and getting input was invaluable because it would shoot me out of the old behavior and allow me to see a different way I could respond. Over time I got better at it. It is clearly a process after you've been enabling for a long time, as you and I have been. I still struggle sometimes, perhaps I always will, but now I have support and a tool box of resources to use when I falter. It's okay to falter, you can correct it, you can get a "do over" ......

 

[recoveringenabler]

rescuing as something I was doing for myself to avoid the pain of letting go of my daughter and granddaughters.

Amann, that realization can put you in a very different position of power, you can address that pain and heal from it. You're powerless to change your daughter, but you can change yourself. I needed professional help along the way, but however you do it, a new life emerges from the ashes of enabling once you begin seeing it differently.

 

[Mamacat]

Amann, that realization can put you in a very different position of power, you can address that pain and heal from it. You're powerless to change your daughter, but you can change yourself. I needed professional help along the way, but however you do it, a new life emerges from the ashes of enabling once you begin seeing it differently.

I have an appointment next Tuesday with a psychologist. I'm feeling stronger mixed with times of sadness, but I feel like I'm moving forward and can't go back. Husband andi have scheduled a cruise. We're looking forward to that.

 

[Mamacat]

And what I have learned from all of you has helped me to see more clearly and to think about myself. Thank you.

 

[Weary Mother]

Well, I got another email from prison, telling me his is hungry and can't stand waiting to get moved to a drug program, that others are being moved ahead of him, and he is desperate for money as they took 15.00 of the money he was sent to re pay for his indigent package leaving him only 10.00 and he has to wait til Monday to order and then a week to get stuff. I wrote back telling him how sad it makes me to read this and that I cant do anything about any of this, that he knows the rules and that he now needs to work on patience and maturity instead of expecting his nearly 70 year old parents to jump to his every need at this time. I closed by telling him that we still work even though we do not want to and that we do not have time to respond instantly to his emails because we are busy and short of time and money but we love him and are thinking of him, that I would visit and do what I can as I can. Of course I felt like crap reading the desperate email he sent, and these kinds of things can again blur the lines causing me to relapse back into being guilt ed into doing things that I can't or don't want to do.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Jodie, they continue to ask, guilt and manipulate until they get their way, or finally stop because it is a dead end. Your email to him was great, stick to your guns!

I don't know if you remember Erma Bombeck, but here is her take on guilt....."guilt is the gift that keeps on giving."

Don't allow yourself to feel guilty, when those thoughts come......think about 20 year old boys in a war zone scared out of their minds and risking their lives for their country, quite the disparity between that young man and a 48 year old addict who cries to his Mom and tries to guilt her into giving him what he wants when HE has created the scenario he presently lives in. Put it in a different perspective because the perspective of guilt is not rational, you've done enough. It's a pattern of behavior you're used to and when you break the pattern it doesn't feel good, but breaking the pattern is absolutely necessary.

 

[Weary Mother]

WOW!! I think I should print this out and mail it to my son!! He apparently does not see things the way others do, but thanks, that helps me a lot to just move on. I am glad for your input!! Funny how even when you are trying your hardest, one little email can make doubt creep in and pity for the suffering of someone who has failed to grow up seem justified?

 

[Weary Mother]

of course the suffering of each is real, the soldier suffers and the inmate suffers. The problem is the cause. The soldier is doing something for others, the inmate is thinking only of the problem of the moment and his self.

 

[recoveringenabler]

make doubt creep in and pity for the suffering of someone who has failed to grow up seem justified?

I know Jodie, my daughter used to do that too and I reacted the way you did, but over time, I've learned to REFRAIN.....(my favorite word when it comes to my daughter!)

 

[Weary Mother]

refrain, interesting. Well, in my email I did tell him that we cannot respond to every need he has, he is in prison. Weather or not he will get it and buck up I don't know. But he does that, he emails everyone he knows complaining until he gets relief. Sometimes I wonder if he has some sort of brain damage or if he is able to see what he is doing.