I fall every time

[Nomad]

Welcome. You have been through a lot! But, you have gained much wisdom. It sure does hurt a lot. The calls for money seem to be a common one among all of us. And also, I have noticed a lack of appreciation/gratefulness. I guess they are very often living on the edge and are just constantly in this mindset of lack/desperation. It's VERY sad. But also VERY draining and confusing for us parents. I agree that we can't control our adult children. We can't control the actions of others. As appropriate, we might make suggestions, but we absolutely can't count on them being listened to and we can't "invest" in that at all. This place is fabulous. If there are support groups in your community, that is good to check out as well. There is something called Families Anonymous that is very good. Also Al Anon programs for family members. It's very hard, but don't let the actions of your adult children chip away at your self esteem. Be sure to plan for fun things ... you deserve to enjoy life. Please keep on posting.

 

[Worndown68]

It sounds like you have done everything you possibly can to help your daughter, and sounds like she has had plenty of opportunities to do so herself, I.e, been given the chance to stay in that kind lady’s home, she had a job, got the medical attention she needed and you had asked her how much her car payment was, assuming you were wanting to help her get her car functional again. I understand that she didn’t want an immobiliser because she wanted to drive, yet when you asked how much the car payment was, this wasn’t a big issue for her anymore.
I fear maybe she may have been pulling on your heartstrings in order to get money, as she knows this has worked so many times before.
You mentioned she gives the doctors and nurses a hard time. My sons have had a pattern of blaming anyone in authority (well anyone at all besides themselves) for how ‘they’ got themselves in their situations. I wonder is that what your daughter was doing, taking her anger out on them because she was angry at that particular scenario. Of course it’s not the doctors or nurses fault, but your daughter I guess would rather blame them than accept her own wrongdoings, as I guess she does with you too.
You said you listened to her for a long time and had sympathy and no judgement. That’s wonderful that you done it with empathy and no judgement, as we are all just humans plodding along in our own way, but how much energy and pain did that take from you to digest all she had to say? To then be greeted with a horrendously hurtful message like that .
I know it’s difficult to try detach from your daughter, both your daughters but they will carry on living the way they want to, no matter how much you listen, regardless of how much money you give them. I think the long calls and generous tokens of money isn’t appreciated , it’s expected and ultimately to your detriment. Would you struggle to possibly say to both daughters that ‘unfortunately I am not able to give you money anymore’, when they ask. If they ask again, just repeat that, no explanations or alike. Also I think you had previously said you messaged your daughter as you found speaking to her too difficult, could you maintain that or if you do speak on the phone, could you put in place a way to end the call on your terms….possibly something like I need to take the puppy out now. I done that with my eldest son because I found the more I listened, the more he talked, hence the more he had control of me, and any healthy relationship can’t be based on control.
Your other daughter had sent you a very mixed message, possibly to grab your attention, and maybe get a reaction.
I can’t say I have ever heard of Gabor Mat’e if I’m honest, but I’ll definitely check that out, sounds very interesting, thank you.
I truly hope you are doing your best to mind yourself and your peace. Much love to you and your puppy

As I read your reply I found myself tearing up, but it was sadness for myself and that was a new feeling for me, a feeling my therapist had tried to get me to feel, so as sad as it is I thank you for that. I don’t know why I feel sadness for my daughters but have been unable to feel sad for the toll it takes on me.
Your counsel is very wise and I will try to follow it. To be in this group is very reassuring, even if it almost feels as if we all exist in a twilight zone. Big hugs to you and everyone. We must take 2025 hour by hour and try and care for ourselves as we truly care for our offspring

 

[Copabanana]

Where are you wornout and soverydrained?

 

[Worndown68]

I’m in Pa, just outside Philadelphia. It’s close to my doctors bc I have SLE and EDS. I have pt 2x a week and endeavor to walk outside as much as possible, my easy child recommended I get another dog (he knows my situation and my kids since they were 18) so I rescued a little puppy, or we rescued each other I guess! I have had a long conversation with one daughter this morning, she is in an abusive relationship but refuses to reach out to get help. When I went to a hospital for an injury I was asked if it was domestic abuse, I don’t understand why nobody is asking her? She has an appointment with a trauma surgeon tomorrow. It was last week and I drove 2/12 hours down to drive her, but she had left with the abuser and then the appointment was canceled because of snow. Now she wants me to do it all again tomorrow but I am not able to. I have an appointment myself tomorrow plus finding someone to look after my puppy again wouldn’t work as her appointment is at 8:30am. I advised her to call the doctors office while he is out all day and explain that if she has a man accompanying her tomorrow, that he is the person who re fractured her already damaged leg. She won’t call 911 when he hits her, she just calls me? He threatened to kill me years ago if I ever showed up. But she was much calmer by the end of our long conversation, I think she uses me to vent to. I don’t think she has any friends , over the years she has used friend, really good friends who have tried to help her. I asked her if she has a medical portal with her surgeon that I can look at as I can’t take her this time. But whenever I suggest something sensible and practical she just goes nuts and says I don’t care? I care so much but I don’t have a magic wand, and I am not physically strong enough to haul her stuff around. I offered her an Uber. Of course she wasn’t happy with that suggestion.

 

[SeekinghopeNZ]

Hello worndown68.
I want to share a couple of insights that have helped me. Welcome.

The most important is this: People own their own lives. That means, our children too. While we may have the hope, wish and intention that our children grow up and live well, as adults they have autonomy, authority and responsibility for their own lives. They are responsible for creating and living their own lives, and they do. Their lives are theirs, not ours.

I believe that we are responsible in our lives to live well. That applies to our children. But whether or not they do is on them, not us. That also applies to us, that when we turn over our lives, our welfare, so that our children prosper, neglecting ourselves or permitting mistreatment, we are choosing to live badly. I believe we have the responsibility to ourselves and in our lives to live well. Living well includes not hurting ourselves or letting others hurt us.

I believe we are responsible for keeping ourselves on an even keel. That means, prolonging self-pity, guilt, catastrophizing, or regret for the path not taken, is a choice.. To overly indulge myself in these things, is my choice to hurt myself.

I can choose to suffer. Or not. I see this as a boundary issue. I need to learn how to set boundaries for myself, internal boundaries.
Internal boundaries are no different from the external boundaries we set for others. It's to set limits to self-hurt, to self-abuse.

You see, we hurt ourselves too. There is no reason to. And we can stop it.

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You really don't deserve it.

This has helped me a lot. I have been thinking on it all day since I read it. I have struggled so much with the idea of internal boundaries … this is a good reminder of our dignity and worth.

 

[FallingIn]

I haven't posted for awhile, unfortunately, nothing much has changed with my son who is 26, unemployed, alcoholic, doesn't drive and dropped out of school in grade 8. He has been living with me on and off since 2020. He's been back since last August and I set the boundary of not drinking at home. Well of course this didn't last long. He doesn't drink everyday as he has no money. He sometimes sells stuff to get alcohol, steals money from me while I'm sleeping, or he gets the occasional cheque from the govt. I know I have a huge problem of not following through with boundaries I have set. Reading your stories helps to reinforce that I need to put myself first, it's hard tho. So, I'm going down the road that has not gone well for so many on this site. I bought an apartment for my son to live. He moves there next week. When he's sober, he is polite and respective - just extremely depressed and talks alot of self hatred. When drunk, he takes all his frustrations out on me (verbally not physically). He says the ugliest things to me and blames me for bringing him into this world. He has asked every medical professional for assisted suicide as he is too afraid to do it himself. He has asked me to do it for years which just kills me inside. I can't take the verbal abuse any longer so I need him out of my house. He has no friends as he suffers from extreme social anxiety. That is why he drinks to get liquid courage to go out and meet people. Unfortunately, the only people who want to associate with him when he's drunk are homeless people (just to take advantage of him, he knows this too). He has said he asks people to hang out with him, but they turn him down - of course they do! What "normal" people would want to hang out with a drunk. Which reinforces to him that he is unlikable, not worth anything, etc. I feel so sorry for him, which is why I have not walked away from him. I don't know what will happen when he's out on his own, I just hope he doesn't get complaints about being too loud or bringing homeless people to his place. But he's an adult and responsible for what he does. Having him out of my place will give me some peace (I'm still recovering from cancer), and to get my life back. My friends and family shake their heads at me, but they understand why I am doing this. Wish me luck, I am going to need it.
This forum is a great help. There are so many of us going through similar things. It helps to read how strong others are, and gives me hope I can be strong too.

 

[Fairy dust]

Hi FallingIn. No judgement from any of us on this site. You do what is best for you. And hopefully your son will make attempts to turn his life around given the chances and opportunities you have given him.
NOW it’s time for you to take back your life and do you. If you haven’t already, consider therapy to help you set boundaries, and to also cope with the many feelings you are likely feeling And which can be so very overwhelming. Life from the sounds of things have been rough for you the past few years having lost your spouse, fighting cancer and trying to get your son the right path. But , as Copa says people own their own lives. You can’t fix him but you can change the spin cycle And the narrative. He won’t like the change at first, but hang in there and focus on you. Often when the story line changes so do the characters and sometimes for the better. Hugs to you and your much needed healing!