Donna, welcome to the forum. I am so very sorry for the heartache in all of this. Your story is very similar to many here, including mine. We have all given much to our children and have dealt with the raw, unending dismay of what lengths using addicts will go to. That is what most of our children are, addicts. Addicts lie, steal and hurt people to get what they want, the drugs of their choice. Your daughter will twist words around and wrench your heart, if she thinks it will get her back home. It is a horrible game they play. I am so sorry. I have been through it myself and know the pain of it. It took years of being engaged in the losing battle of trying to "help" I would have my two daughters in and out of my home, bringing chaos, drug friends, stealing and blaming me for their choices. It is all a game to them and we are unwilling pawns.
Then one day it just got to be too, too much. I found this site. Being here posting and receiving kind words and wisdom from others who have been on similar journeys helped me to get through the numbing shock of it all. I was able to move slowly away from the wounded, heartbroken, paralyzed mode, more towards understanding that both my girls were literally kidnapped by drugs and they were adults who were making choices for themselves. I had no control of that. I had done my raising them. There are resources out there to help them, if they so choose.
Until then, they will do what they do.
In all of this time, my husband fought illness after illness, then passed in April. I am sorry you lost your husband too. It is hard to face this alone as a parent. I do see my two from time to time and they are still using. You know, they do not even recall some of the horrible things they have said and done, at least that's what they say and how they act. Huh, imagine that. Feeling all torn up and twisted inside with guilt, sadness, grieving their choices and lifestyle and they don't seem to have a clue or a care as to how I feel. These are not the girls I raised, and yet they are in there, somewhere. Yet, it all becomes so lopsided, doesn't it? We get so twisted up in their drama and rants that we actually go back into time and replay over and again where it may have all gone so incredibly wrong. Here's the thing Donna, it is not our fault. We are all imperfect humans doing the best we can. Parenting mistakes? I have made plenty. The issue is really and truly addiction. Our kids got caught up in mind napping substance abuse. They will blame us because it is way easier than looking in the mirror and facing the truth that all the things they do and the resulting consequences are completely on them. Misery loves company, and as long as our daughters are using drugs, they will do anything and everything to get us to bend to their wants. That includes trying to twist things around and tug on our heartstrings until we don't know if we are coming or going.
If we let them.
If we let them.
That's key Donna.
They can play their game all they want, but we can step out of it. It does not mean we do not love them, quite the opposite. We love them enough to step aside and let them learn their responsibility. We love them enough to know that we have to model self care and preservation, by no longer allowing them to use, abuse and tread all over us. It takes time and relearning different ways to react. This site has wonderful people who can point you to resources that help you detach and focus on a good rest of your life. That is not selfish to do, even while our daughters are out there, doing what they do. Having a good life is what we wish for them. We need to work at that for ourselves, too.
I am sorry for your need to be here, you have come to a place where people understand the pain of it. You are not alone. You have value and worth and the rest of your life to live. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I hope that you find some comfort. The end of the story is not written, there is always hope for a brighter future for all of us, our d cs included.
A warm welcome to you and many hugs.
Leafy
