Adult children who steal and manipulate

[Debis Done]

My significant other has 3 children from his first marriage and 1 from his second that he adopted
All but one Treat me as if i am the enemy
I recently discovered by helping him with his business bookkeeping that his daughter whom is 41 years old, married with 3 adult children of her own and has helped him with his business bookeeping for about 5 years or more has been paying her own families bills and buying “wants”
With her fathers business account
For years . He is about to lose his business due to the downturn in oilfield production in the area we live which is heavily dependent on oil production
She has been aware of his financial situation and has chosen to go ahead and squeeze in her bills here and there knowing he’s broke
I managed to get him to look at his accounting without accusing or saying a lot and he was quite hurt and disappointed when he saw what had been happening . The situation has gotten to the point that he had to lay her off and I’ve been helping him outside of my regular job to keep it done
Now, the daughter will not speak to me and acts like I’m the one to blame . Mind you this is the second time he has had to tell her to quit using his business credit cards and checking account for her personal expenses
I’m not quite sure how to react to her flippant attitude toward me like i am the problem
Any advice out there?

 

[Jenna0823]

My adult daughter has stolen from me since her teen years. Your step daughter is a lying thief and now is blaming you and punishing you for what she alone has done. She is manipulating you and gaslighting you. Be grateful she is not in your life. It will never get better if she is

 

[Debis Done]

It’s so sad , and it’s frustrating that her father doesn’t want to deal with the situation . He ignores it as if it just needs to be swept under the rug and thinks that’s how i should handle it . But it hurts me for him . I don’t forget that easy

 

[Copabanana]

Now, the daughter will not speak to me and acts like I’m the one to blame .

It’s so sad , and it’s frustrating that her father doesn’t want to deal with the situation .

He ignores it as if it just needs to be swept under the rug

thinks that’s how i should handle it . But it hurts me for him . I don’t forget that easy

First let me say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this tough spot. There's nothing easy about it. You know the saying: "Kill the messenger." It expresses a truth. There is no gain in bearing the bad news. But the thing is, I don't see how you had any other choice.

The driver in this whole situation is your stepdaughter. She decided to prey on her father's business even knowing that he was in dire straits. What kind of person does this? I will answer what I think: a person who is addicted to drugs; somebody who lacks a sense of right or wrong or doesn't care if they do wrong; somebody without a sense of adequate reality testing; somebody who has serious mood instability; somebody who is desperate, for example, being blackmailed, etc.

But the thing is, she's responsible, not you. Your husband's life and livelihood are at stake, and yours too. You have a responsibility to be transparent with your husband, I think, regardless of his ability to deal with this hard, hard reality. After all, he's in a desperate situation. How much can he take?

I don't think you should expect yourself to get over it that quickly. At the same time, I would understand why he might want you to. After all, he must be in deep pain. I think two people, even a couple, can legitimately have different needs and hold different ideas about important things, and that's okay. The important thing is for you to realize you're right. You're entitled to feel as you do. She did wrong. You did not. At the same time you have no control here, over how long it takes your husband to come to grips with this. I think he deserves that you have patience with him. After all, he did let her go. He protected himself, you, and the business to that extent.

Here on this board if often takes people many years to come to grips with their children's behavior and what they need to do. I was one of the slow learners. Finally, I did learn. But it was on my own time table.

Welcome. I am glad you found us. Let me reiterate. I agree with the others. Your stepdaughter is gaslighting. She is perpetuating the same behavior, justifying whatever she wants, whatever she needs, in order to stay the same. She is scapegoating you, in order to escape in her own mind culpability and responsibility. All of this makes her bad, bad news. I am sorry for you, and for your husband.

 

[Crayola13]

Your stepdaughter has no right to be angry at you.

Did you have problems with her growing up? You would be amazed how many grown kids think this type of behavior is perfectly fine.

Is she just in a financial bind with her bills, or is there a drug or gambling problem? Bad investment, etc.?

I really hope she stops taking advantage of him. I get the impression he's been generous in the past. He has obviously forgiven her and loves her. I think it's good that he was strong enough to let her go. I'll be keeping his business on my prayer list.

 

[Deni D]

his daughter whom is 41 years old, married with 3 adult children of her own and has helped him with his business bookeeping for about 5 years or more has been paying her own families bills and buying “wants”
With her fathers business account

So that's stealing, and is on her, not on you because you caught her. Her attitude is her problem, and her actions have nothing to do with her attitude towards you. It might be hard for you but if you can it would probably be best if you could let her father deal with the emotional fallout. Otherwise you might take the emotional part on and he will go on to "forgive" her again only for it to happen again. If you have joint finances and it affects you financially also then I'd approach it with him strictly financially and protect yourself because considering it's happen twice it's going to happen again. I would separate finances in a way that will protect you from her thief, not easy, but approached in a business like manner should be doable as long as he is not completely blinded here. Or in a perfect world, he will have her charged as the thief she is.

All but one Treat me as if i am the enemy

As for the others, I used to try to get my significant other's children to like me, and they surely treated me as if I was the enemy and an intruder, major disrespect. I think back then I thought it was some sort of requirement that we were a package deal or something and they had to like me, you know because why wouldn't they? I'm a good caring person. Then I read somewhere one day that it's not up to me, and if they never accepted me it's okay, they are separate people and are entitled to their own choices and opinions regardless of my feelings. So I backed off big time accepting they didn't like me (two of the three) and it's okay because it is what it is. If someone would have told me back then how things would be with these two today I would not have believed them, not in a million years. But I got introduced as "my moms" this past weekend by one of them to a friend of hers. This one, she gives me a big heartfelt hug every time I see her. And the other one called me a couple of weeks ago because he was feeling left out of a family event to find out what was up. He forgot he was told about it, and the times were all messed up on it. He didn't call his father or sister but called me, because he was hurt. I was like "dayum!", he called me because he was hurt, someone who he felt comfortable with who would sort it out with him. Go figure. It's so strange how accepting what is makes thing turn into what you wanted all along happens sometimes. It's all about that "letting go" thing, a real letting go with no strings attached.

 

[RN0441]

I'm sorry that you had to go through this.

I agree with the others. You did nothing wrong. She should be ashamed of HERSELF.

I'm so glad her dad let her go.

I think it's harder for men to deal with their feelings. It takes them much longer. Just be patient with him. I'm sure it is hurtful to know your child is stealing from you. I know it was for us when we went through it but mine was a minor at least - doesn't make it right but you have some hope they'll see their wrongs when they grow up - and ours did.

 

[JMom]

Debi,

She sounds like a selfish person. It's not nice that she did that to her father, I am sure he was very hurt. I agree with the others about doing what you need to care for yourself financially and emotionally. It's nice of you to take up for him. I can only imagine that she will spiral when the money runs out. I'm praying for your oil business to make a rebound. Is there a way to take away her business credit card?
Hugs,
JMom