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Adult children who stop talking to you

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Raven21901, Oct 21, 2010.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I was going to suggest a thank you card but since you dont have addresses that wont work. Maybe post on FB that life is so much less stressful without having so called grown adult children hanging around mooching off you. Whew!

    I would be willing to bet that they at least check your facebook from time to time. I would leave little nuggets like that around for them to see. If they arent going to play nice, why should you.

    I swear, not calling you unless its to ask for money to bail one out for a possession charge? I am so glad you said no. What balls...lol. I think I would have laughed at him so hard they would have heard me through the phone clear out to the desk.
     
  2. anon

    anon New Member

    I'm a 30 year old female when I was youngermy mother always talked bad about my father when they were married... to my brothers and I growing up. She also emotionally and physically abused us. As we got older we sure figured out my mother was the narcisstic "player" and the one who messed us up in the first place Not my father. Bottom line you know Exactly why they won't talk to you and you saying that you dId your best is just an excuse for your actions. Kids don't grow up move out of your house then start hating you and stop speaking to you for no reason. Take responsibility and truly appologize to them for your actions and maybe they will come around. I still and so do my brothers have resentment towards my mom and never my father though he cheated on her. We hated how she always brought us into her mess and blamed everyone for her actions. I know now why my parents didn't work out. Not that my dad cheating is a good thing that's horrible but **** happens and never bring uour kids into it. Take responsibility you brought your kids into your world now they wanted out of it and finally realized you were the one who was wrong. Both of them can't hate you and them be the one who is wrong they are adults and finally realized who was the problem in their childhood and now they don't want to speak with you.
     
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Anon. Your post really does have some wisdom for single Moms. Unfortunately there really isn't a manual for "how to be the perfect Mom"...especially when Moms find themselves emotionally alone and unprepared. Very often the Mom "knows" that she needs to feed and clothe the children but doesn't really "get" (often because she is young) that she has to monitor her negative emotions and fears from her closest companions...the little kids.

    Discipline is tricky, too. If you, for example, were raised "with the belt" you believe that "the belt" is what parents use to make sure the children don't run the household. If you were raised with "screaming and yelling"...same thing. As a legal adult (particularly one who has been betrayed/abandoned) the Mom is often humiliated, disappointed and very fearful because honestly they don't know what to do...and not do.

    on the other hand once you are thirty years old you have likely experienced times when you did not make perfect choices in your personal relationships..or perhaps in friendships ..or in the work environment. in my humble opinion when you reach middle age it is time to see humanity for what it is. Life isn't perfect. Parents are not perfect. Most importantly the road to maturity includes looking in the mirror and seeing "yikes, I am not perfect!" I don't suggest giving up your life for a parent but I do strongly suggest that if you can be polite to coworkers, neighbors, the needy etc....well...then I believe you can practice the Serenity Prayer. You can accept the things you can not change. The past is past. You can find the courage to do what "you" can do. It may be a greeting card. It may be an initial short phone call. Any positive step will make your heart feel better and help make the future happier for everyone. Thanks and good luck. DDD
     
  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Raven,
    I also married young and after a tumultous period of time divorced. I thought when I married him he would be a good father but drugs and alcohol took over. He walked out of our lives and has zero contact with his children - his loss in my opinion!!


    My easy child daughter had a difficult child period and was literally scared straight after a brush with the law - she is currently a mother of 2 beautiful difficult child's - both home schooled and dually enrolled in college - both straight A students. My daughter was always in gifted classes and won awards so I was really surprised when she turned difficult child. Thank heavens she turned it around - SHE turned her life around - she rode the bus over 2 hours for her court ordered counseling sessions.

    My born difficult child son is another story - his frequent brushes with the law were bragging rights with his friends - he started drugs at a very early age. His relationships are always with other difficult child's and always came to me 'loaning' them money. He has been in program after program - I have spent so much money hoping one day he will get his life together.

    This last relationship has been the worse - I had to call the police to stop the harrassment from her - she has cut off all contact with his friends and family. Not entirely her fault - it takes 2!

    I have met her 1 time and his sister has never met her - she started harrassing his sister - telling her she should be in jail for the horrible things she did to him as a child. These things never happened - she was much older than him and really out of the house before his teens. His sister was crying and very upset - I told her the difficult child girlie is just getting her kicks playing us against each other. They broke up and now they are back together - he has lied about it , but I know they are. They fight and he cuts himself and threatens suicide. One day he may accidentally do it.

    I stopped giving him money long ago, but he has one emergency after another. After I found out he (she was in on it) been conning me out of money, and all of the lies came out, I refused to send money for ANYTHING.

    He sent me a really nasty text message blaming me for everything that has happened to him. The only way of contact I have is FB so I don't go there. He posted 'happy turkey day' and I ignored it. He can call collect but he never does.

    I am so very tired of this **** and I refuse to be a part of his constant drama. I feel it will be a very long time before I hear from him and hopefully by that time he will understand that it is HIS life and HE is repsonsible for it.

    Learn to detatch and live your life - you did the best you could. I apologised to my children years ago and my daughter said I don't know how you did as much as you did for us. Not my son, he tries to get money by making me feel guilt, and I don't any more. I remember a book where the author said no parent goes to bed at night thinking what they can do to screw up little Johnny or little Sally's life.

    Get past the guilt that most mothers have - we want the best for our children. Forgive your self and your spouse - and your children - but do not allow them to abuse you! They are adults now, it's their life. Enjoy yours!

    (((blessings for us all)))
     
  5. Linda D

    Linda D New Member

    My daughter, who is 27 years old, stopped talking to me and told me that is because we do not have anything in common on so many levels...Odd thing is she asked me for money after I help her pay for the first two years of college and I did not have it...I was a single mother and only was able to put aside money for the first two years...I told her to ask her father...when she graduated from University I was not invited, her step mother of three years was but not me, she got married this past Nov and I was not invited to anything but the wedding, her step father was not invited to wedding or anything, no bridal showers, no rehearsal dinners ..nothing...was the most painful thing I have ever done...I went to the wedding but left after the ceremony...Everyone says that she will come around when she needs me but I found out that she has pre cancer cells and book surgery and I have not heard a word from her...How do you let your child go that is still alive?