Adult Daughter (26)

[DaisyC1234]

This is my first post. I am looking for guidance as we all are in dealing with difficult adult children.

My adult daughter is about to turn 26, has one child and another on the way. As of now, she technically doesn't have a home, no car and no full-time job. She currently stays, not lives with us. She was just recently approved for a PELL grant and will use some of that money to get an apartment. So she thinks she can go to school, have a full-time job and no car all with a 3 year old and a new born. She thinks we are all crazy and her thinking isn't backwards. My parents don't know she is pregnant but they offered her the use of their car. They are at the top of the list when it comes to enabling as they have done this with my brother for many years.

While she stays at our house she makes little to no effort to clean up after herself or my granddaughter. I made it clear that I am not doing this again. I love my granddaughter like my own, she spent a lot of time with us up until February when my daughter stopped drinking because she was pregnant, and I actually just found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, she's due in October 22. She hasn't had a full-time job since before my granddaughter was born. She has no license because of unpaid tickets.

My plan is to let her get her own place and do what she's going to do. What's to say that she's not going to start drinking again after this baby is born? She's had 3 years to get a job, car and a place to live, but she did nothing.

I am not sure what to do. Anyone with a similar situation? I just don't know what to do or where to turn. I don't want to be a heartless mom, but I can't keep letting her take advantage of us.

 

[WiseChoices]

Welcome, Michelle,
It sounds like your daughter has a plan. You know it's not a good one, but it is a plan. I would let her execute on it, and then let her experience any consequences as a result of her actions. That is how we all learn.

You don't know whether she will start drinking again. You have no control over that, and to engage in that kind of speculative thinking is not good for you . Take one day at a time. Focus on you. You are the only person whom you have control over - your thoughts, Feelings and actions .

I would strongly suggest Al-Anon to you. Those meetings have helped me soooopp much.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome

I have not experienced this situation but many here have and I'm sure you will hear from them.

Where is the three year old's father? Does he pay for or help with his child? Is it the same father as for the newborn?

Do you feel that your daughter is an alcoholic and that is why she continues to make choices that aren't responsible?

 

[DaisyC1234]

@WiseChoices - you are correct, I do think way too far ahead, I guess I am just afraid of what "could" happen and we will be left to pick up the pieces and she'll use the kids to get me to do it. Before I found out that she was pregnant I told her she had until the end of September to figure out her living situation and that still stands. I still have a 15 and 17 year old at home to raise.

@RN0441 - My granddaughters father is a good dad. He is 29 and I still he has some growing up to do, but he at least has a full-time job, a car and a place to live and keeps my granddaughter safe. When my daughter was not around much he let me have her whenever I wanted. He is not the father of this next baby.

I think my daughter has some issues to deal with mentally and she has not, which is why I think she was drinking heavily which was leading her to be irresponsible. I mentioned counseling, but she won't go. As soon as she found out she was pregnant that's when she stopped drinking.

I just need to be there for those babies if they need me. They will always have a home with us. My parents are such enablers that they tell me I need to help her more, which will cause some issues between my parents and myself, which I am not looking forward to.

 

[elizabrary]

Wow- your story sounds eerily similar to mine. The only difference is my daughter has gotten herself together over the last few years, for the most part. However, I have been through nearly identical circumstances. Yes, let your daughter move out and do what she does. If you find out she is drinking again you will have to call CPS to make sure the kids are being properly cared for. I know it sucks. I have called at least 5 times on my own daughter. You have to set and maintain boundaries with her. This means when you tell her no to something you have to stick to it. If she is to continue staying with you then you need to write out your expectations for her to follow- have a job, contribute 30% of her income to the household, basic chores. I even wrote out a point that my daughter had to ask me a week in advance to babysit for her, otherwise she would completely take advantage. Then go over it with your daughter and have her sign it. If she doesn't follow through on something she has to go. I had to put my daughter out when my granddaughter was an infant and it was snowing. I barely slept I was so worried about them, but she showed up the next day with a car someone GAVE her and got the rest of her stuff. These adult kids are fantastically resourceful and always seem to find someone else to manipulate when things get tough. Be forewarned- once you start setting and maintaining boundaries she will likely up the ante and start acting even crazier. When my daughter was disrespectful on the phone I started just hanging up on her. She would call all my phones over and over, leaving screaming messages, etc. It was insane. I had to turn all my phones off. She's come around over time and I learned to put my focus on myself and expect her to behave like a proper adult. It's hard at first, but you need to focus on your own health and well being!

 

[DaisyC1234]

My 17 year old has been gone a lot and she's been staying at my mother-in-laws a lot lately and I just found out it's mostly because her sister is there. I don't want my 17 year old to feel that way, she's the good one and has great focus and knows what she wants, so I don't want to make her feel that I'm ignoring her because her sister is causing me so much stress. I believe its time for my daughter to execute on her plans. Her mindset is basically, I need to go to school amidst all of this. We keep telling her forget school for now that will come later you need to get your life together first...nope she's not having it and registered for classes this semester. She's constantly asking either me or her sister for rides and it's exhausting. I still have to drive my 15 year old around to Golf and Jiu jitsu classes and I like to go Yoga. Her sister, my other daughter, just tells her no. She is very resourceful she finds rides all the time and we live in a rural area.

With the first baby she was living with us and would work at the strip club at night and just never show up in the morning and if she did she was up all night and drinking most of the time. We finally said enough when she had friends over for a party on a weekend we were out of town and took the baby with us. We specially said no body over the house. That's when she went to stay at the baby's dad mom's house and she was doing the same thing to her. Leaving the baby and not showing up either until the next day or days later.

I'll keep reminding her that she has until the end of September execute on her plans. I honestly would not mind her staying if her actions were louder than her words. Most of the time she just tells us what we want to hear. I've been so stressed these last couple of weeks that I've lost about 7lbs.

 

[BusynMember1]

We made a terrible mistake which I would like to share because we are filled with remorse now.

We put Kay's needs and drama above those of our very well behaved daughter and son. They balked about it, but we told them we had to help her. We apologized as it happened. But it hurt them both deeply.

We are making amends now per the twelve step program. My daughter, who I will call Amy, recently got a divorce and is waiting for a house to be built so we invited her home with us until then. The grands are here 50 percent of the time too. It has been great to have daughter/mom talks and make things up to her and to have the grands. They are a lovey, huggy bunch, Amy included. She is very helpful to us and although we asked for nothing from her, she insists on paying rent and some of the utilities and she likes to help cook and clean.

Our son works at our business so we have had time with him to pull him aside and talk. Things are good now with the other kids, but both felt very set aside due to our constant attempts to fix Kay. They were so good so they got a lot less time. Very twisted. Very wrong. I advise not doing this.

I cant truly tell you or anyone what to do, just what happened here. You can't guide your 23 year old to the right path. She will do her own thing. Remember that.

If there is a way to get your 23 year old out of the house, do it. She is using all the family oxygen, like Kay did.

Lastly, I suggest not driving the 23 year old around. We actually bought Kay cars and she wrecked them all so buying a car was even worse. Is there public transportation?

Be well.

 

[DaisyC1234]

@BusynMember
Thank you so much! My parents did this to me and so I made it clear to my 17 year old yesterday that I don't want to do that to her at all. I want to make sure I give her whatever support and time she needs. We had an emotional lunch/conversation and both cried a lot and I promised I wouldn't do to her what my parents did to me. My brother to this day is just sucking the life out of them. They know this but still give him money and cars. I was the good one and got no attention and I think I just realized this like a month ago.

If it's on my way to taking my son to his classes I'll drop her off at the bus stop, but I won't go out of my way to give her a ride. The closest public transportation stop is about 5 miles from my house. You are correct, she'll need to figure out that path is and she has until the end of September to do so. She got approved for some PELL grant money and she's going to use that to get a place to stay while using my parents car. That's the plan....

We initially bought her a car when she was 18, she crashed it. My parents bought her two cars after that, which she also crashed.

My husband and I are planning a trip to Portland, Oregon on November 1st for our 17 year anniversary and I am already worried, but I know we need to do this. This trip was planned and tickets purchased before I knew she was pregnant. I travel for work sometimes and I just can't relax because I am so worried, I know the outcome is the same weather I worry or not, but I just can't help it. I wish I didn't care so much. I was telling my 17 year old that I would like to just go hide in a hole for like 5 years. She such a great kid she deservers a happy mom.

 

[BusynMember1]

I think your parents sre foolish to let her drive but that is up to them.

 

[DaisyC1234]

I couldn’t agree more. Like you said it up to them. My mom told her to get her tickets taken care of so she could get her license back and that’s pretty much it. They have done this for years with my brother.

She asked to use out car but I said no.

I hate that we have to be here on this forum

 

[DaisyC1234]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who responded. I am so glad I found this forum and just sad that it even has to exist.

Update: She now has a fire lit under her A** and is looking for full-time work at 7 months pregnant. The plans are for her to move out by the end of September, but I feel like she thinks if she gets a full-time job, which she should of done like 3 years ago, that I will have a change of heart. She only stopped drinking because she was pregnant who's to say she won't go back to that after the baby is born. I just feel horrible and sort of guilty, but she just sucks the life out of me and my husband and my other two kids. She's had plenty of time to get it together. I don't mind helping, but from afar, if the babies need something, not necessarily her.