Adult Stepchild stealing

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Fedup!, Mar 2, 2017.

  1. Fedup!

    Fedup! New Member

    Hello everyone I just want to share my difficulties with you guys and greatly appreciate your input. I live in a house were everyone has locks on their bedroom door because my 25 year old stepson goes in everyone's room and takes there personal belongings clothes, cell phone chargers, ear plugs, cologne etc. I said to his father you need to something about this he said he did that he put locks on everyone door and that if I'm implying to put him out that he wasn't. This young man destroys the kitchen cooks leaves dishes piled up leaves clothes shoes lay around the house. I'm so tired of living like a prisoner this is not normal!!! As soon as you forget to lock ur door he is there checking to see who slipped up and left it open.
  2. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    I made my son move out. It wasn't a choice. And the first thing I did was remove the lock from the bedroom door. It is such a great feeling to not have to keep checking all of my belongings or the rest of the families belongings as my son has been stealing from us for a very long time. I won't ever live that way again as it is complete disrespect to steal and I am shocked that my son didn't get embarrassed that we had to lock everything or hid everything from him. Stealing is completely wrong and his dad shouldn't take it lightly.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    He is probably stealing to sell anything he can for drugs.

    That aside, you have problems if his dad refuses to throw out a 25 year old man, son or not. I would not be able to tolerate living in lockdown with a thief in the house. Have the police ever been called?

    Sounds like you have to decide what you can tolerate. Marriage counseling wouldnt be a bad thing. Dad is putting an adult son and thief above everyone else in the family and in my opinion thats ridiculous. Im so sorry.
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    Last edited: Mar 2, 2017
  4. Fedup!

    Fedup! New Member

    Thanks for your input, no it's not drugs he just don't give a dam because his father allows it!! Honestly my husband has issues as well and the reason why I say this is because he allows it. I feel Ike he feels sorry for him because his mother didn't want him since he was 4 he lived with his father I don't know but what I do know this is not normal
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Does he work? Pay rent? Go to therapy? Act remorseful? At least show respect?

    Most adult kids and younger dont try to steal everything.

    How many others live there?

    Seriously, the 25 year old is holding everyone hostage.
  6. Fedup!

    Fedup! New Member

    He works part time don't pay anything and as far as being remorseful his response would be what's the big deal I was just borrowing your charger or brush etc. and yes there are two others my son who is 21 who works a full time job and my stepdaughter who is 23 who works part time.
  7. Fedup!

    Fedup! New Member

    Bottom line is I'm going to move out I can't continue to live like this there father refuses to make him accountable and you know what this boy will be living in this house until he is 35 years old because of his father my stepchildren don't have any motivation to want work or go to school and there father will continue to carry them
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Cant say I blame you. Your son is the only one doing his part and husband doesnt sound as if he is taking your concerns, valid ones, seriously. You matter. Your voice is very important.
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2017
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son only stole when using drugs. Someone just borrowing things to use and not putting them back to me is not the same thing but would be very annoying.

    I agree, at 25 he needs to be out in the world doing SOMETHING.

    Maybe if your husband knows that you will leave if he doesn't do something, he WILL do something. Sitting around waiting for things to change usually does not work. If maturity of some type hasn't occurred by age 25 then he needs a firm push and whatever that entails.

    Good luck.
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Fedup, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

    You said it yourself, it's not normal. You should not have to put locks on your doors. I had to do this when my son was still living with us but he was under 18. Your stepson is 25.

    I suggest you need marriage counseling and if your husband is not willing then you should go yourself.

    At age 25 he should be living on his own and paying his own way. Your husband allowing him to live the way he is, is not helping him at all. It's stunting his growth. If it continues and your stepson never learns how to take care of himself he will still be living with you when he's 60.

    In situations like this I like to pose the question; what would happen to him if you and your husband were killed in a car crash? Would your stepson be able to take care of himself??

    I'm glad you reached out to us here.

    Let us know how things are going.

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  11. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I try not to regret my past decisions, but I do regret all the years that my son lived in our house and stole from all of us including his siblings. I can so clearly remember their (the siblings) frustrated anger and hurt and disbelief that we wouldn't protect them better. He was a good thief, and they were disorganized, so I was able to often fall back on "are you sure you didn't just misplace it?". I also regret the year that my son was 16, and was so uncontrollable and had such bad friends that we didn't feel safe with him in the house, but had exhausted all our other solutions (wilderness treatment camp, military school, therapeutic boarding schools). That year we literally locked him in the front foyer at night...he would pass out there in a mess of sleeping bags, and my younger sons would step over him on the way to school. What was I thinking? How do we get to these places?
    I say this just because your stepsoon does not have the right to negatively impact those around him. And you have a right and need to protect your family's happiness and security.
    Good luck with this. My heart bleeds when I read these stories, so close to home, so hurtful to me still.
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with the others who state or imply that the issue is your ability to communicate your needs to your husband and his willingness to factor in your voice as an equal, in the decision making process over the house, and the family.

    I do not think there is the same "right" thing to do in each case, or any case for that matter. I believe there are a range of solutions that may work or will never work but we have to be on the same page if we are subjected or expected to take responsibility for the results.

    We have to have consent, which it, seems you have withdrawn or never given.

    In Echo's case it is clear cut. Her younger children could never and did never consent that they were their sibling's victims.

    Some of us have one child, or the others are grown, and our decisions impact only us. We are willing, for a time, to choose to endure, or not.

    I would begin with the idea that you are in this relationship and household by a personal decision and you can leave it the same way. I would think about what you need to stay. And only then when you are clear, (maybe you will want to go to personal therapy), I would have the necessary conversations with your husband (with or without a therapist.)

    We cannot force our mates (or anybody for that matter) to do any one thing they do not want to do. We can only decide what we want, to communicate it. Only if there is consent and motivation to work towards a goal by each person in a relationship, will there be the potential for unity, clarity, mutual respect and boundaries.

    It sounds like your stepson may be opportunistically taking advantage of the lack of communication and unity--to operate.

    By your deciding to declare your needs and boundaries, you will be helping everybody, especially him. In anything worth having, there is the risk of loss, too.