She may have still been self destructive but not in another country and not on your dime because you could not have sustained her even if she had kicked and screamed.
I often believe my drug using daughter quit and my difficult son became very self sustaining (difficult as he is, he likes nice things and makes a college level salary without having gone through college) because they knew that if they got into trouble there was nowhere to turn for financial help. My ex had not yet inherited and was tight.
I thank my stars all the time that i had not had extra money. I know thats odd...lol. for myself i never cared about money or having "nice" things. I prefer a simple life so i did not feel deprived. For my kids, they worked for most of what they had worked, except for Sonic, since part time in high school.
I also was more accepting than some here, probably due to my own values and beliefs, about college. I didnt care if they got college degrees or not as long as they had a good wotk ethic or a certificate of some kind. I was not pushy and did not want them to get degrees just to have one. I knew many unemployed college graduates. Goneboy chose no college and is a brilliant CEO nillionaire now. He said "i am starting four years ahead of my peers,"
Your values are different when you have to allocate your money carefully. I truly believe it helped my child who has the most.difficult personality at least become self sufficient as far as his home, car, bills. He does get money from my now rich ex for his legaL fees in his neverending battle in court with his ex. She keeps dragging him back to court.
I think many who come here are very well educated and at least solidly middle class. So the kids got whatever we had to work hard to get. For free or because we felt they needed it. Like cars. Or guilt. My husband and I could not have done that.
I dont think its wrong at all. I may have done the same as I am softhearted. It wasnt an option though. Hubby and I buy ten year old cars for $3k and my mechanic hub keeps them going forever. We did buy two of our kids $3k cars, but Jumper wanted a better car so she worked almost full time while going to school to be a police officer. She just bought a 2015 hybrid car. Her boyfriend, who is 25 and works full time, got her a loan and she pays him. She never asked us to help her. She just surprised us by texting us her car. She will be 21 in June. by the way she made a great choice in a mellow, kind boyfriend and it seems as if he will be springing the question when she is finished with the police academy.
She has loans for college, but two years isnt four and she got grants too.
All im saying is my kids lived a different lifestyle and we did too from many here. And I believe it benefited my kids. None, not even critical, difficult son, bring up the lack of extras when they were growing up. I think they feel it helped them.
All of them are gainfully employed, even autistic son. He works so much he hardly qualifies for social security now and gets little. Even with challenges he works hard!
If your daughter were my daughter, sending her money casually now or before would never have happened. Getting her an apartment would never have been possible. Paying off a drug dealer because one of my kids claimed one was after them? An impossibility. No, you didnt do this, but some have. A ride out of town away from them would have been our best we could have done and I think it was helpful in my daughters desire to quit and work.
I am not criticizing anyone. If i had money, who knows??? But I had nothing extra and I think weirdly that it worked out for my kids. And for me...i never get texts asking for money. Never did. My kids became self sufficient early. Only Bart launched later in his dads house.due to mental illness but he accepted help and has a great job now. In fact, i think he gets my grandson too much, like $300 shoes and every video system there is and a 45 in big screen TV. He is almost nine. He is in gifted classes at school right now snd well behaved but I wonder how long that will last. I cant even buy him birthday presents. He has more than most adults!! So i send him money. $50. Its what we can afford...lol.
Money can sometimes not be so great. Just my observation and opinion. Been reading stories for fifteen years.
Dont spoil your daughter. in my opinion it isnt too late to teach her that if she makes bad choives, they are hers alone. It helped us. Maybe it will help her. Youd be amazed
at what even spoiled kids can do when they realize they really have to stand alone.
Some truly disabled kids cant make it and need help, a little or a lot. Sonic gets a little from the state but minimally. Disabled adults cant depend on us forever. Best to teach them how to get services in my opinion.
I feel we do them no good to remind them that if they dont try we still have money to bail them out. It keeps them dependent and child like. You supported your daughter for nine years.she still did not take advantage of it or learn. A hand up has a time limit. My opinion. And in my opinion an age limit except if you know your kids had a temp set back and will launch as soon as they get back on track.
Hugs to a kind and loving mother. I get it. I do. But I think its better for them if we dont do it. I saw the benefits because we couldnt so they DID
