pigless in VA
Well-Known Member
Keep talking to us. We care. 
Aftermath
- Thread starter BloodiedButUnbowed
- Start date
BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
YS is doing very well. We are not discussing a discharge date yet, but at the rate we are going, that day may come sooner rather than later. Obviously this is a miracle for which we are very thankful.
The skeletons are now piling up at our feet as the gloves are coming off and certain toxic family members are making their feelings well known.
I married into a family full of crazy. I am doing okay. I am not related to any of these lunatics for which I am so grateful. My poor wife is really suffering today. I have to let her clean up her own mess.
I am noticing many similarities between myself and my wife's ex husband. Most of them around Al Anon issues. It is not a surprise my wife picked first him and then me. She needs a spouse with a gentle and calming spirit to ground herself.
I have blamed him in the past for many of our issues with the boys. I am growing fond of him as I watch him struggle through this tragedy. It takes a lot to recognize one's dysfunction and act to correct it. He is not there. He may never get there. That does not make him a bad person.
I am taking time this weekend to see my flawed but loving family of origin. Many of my family members have passed on, others are toxic and my mother wisely separated herself from them years ago. So my tribe is small but I appreciate them more and more each day.
I have a niece and nephew whom I adore. My niece may be turning into a Difficult Child....stay tuned for updates.
The skeletons are now piling up at our feet as the gloves are coming off and certain toxic family members are making their feelings well known.
I married into a family full of crazy. I am doing okay. I am not related to any of these lunatics for which I am so grateful. My poor wife is really suffering today. I have to let her clean up her own mess.
I am noticing many similarities between myself and my wife's ex husband. Most of them around Al Anon issues. It is not a surprise my wife picked first him and then me. She needs a spouse with a gentle and calming spirit to ground herself.
I have blamed him in the past for many of our issues with the boys. I am growing fond of him as I watch him struggle through this tragedy. It takes a lot to recognize one's dysfunction and act to correct it. He is not there. He may never get there. That does not make him a bad person.
I am taking time this weekend to see my flawed but loving family of origin. Many of my family members have passed on, others are toxic and my mother wisely separated herself from them years ago. So my tribe is small but I appreciate them more and more each day.
I have a niece and nephew whom I adore. My niece may be turning into a Difficult Child....stay tuned for updates.
pigless in VA
Well-Known Member
I know that feeling, culturanta. I think my late husband chose me because I was clear-headed, grounded and loving. Sometimes those who are miserable want to take everyone else down with them. There is no sense in everyone going down with the ship.
I'm glad you are seeing your own family this weekend. You deserve a break from the stress. Do something special for yourself.
Checking in with you BBU, how're you doing? I hope you were able to find some solace with your family over the weekend.
I'm reading along with the progress YS is making......as well as the dysfunctional reactions your wife and her family have. You sound clear and resolved about the issues facing everyone around you......I understand first hand what you're going thru......you're in a tough spot but your clarity about the situation and your own sense of your value and well being will get you thru.
When I was in the midst of that level of dysfunction...... rage and seething blame around the suicide of my son-in-law, over time I reconciled within myself that without kindness, compassion and empathy I was no longer willing to participate in those connections. As I let go of those connections and their commitment to negativity and blame, the kind of folks who utilize that behavior as their main reaction fell away from my life. That level of blowup was enough for me to see the truth.....it opened my eyes and paved the way for that kindness, compassion and empathy to arrive at my door.
Blame is a way to discharge the intense energy that the situation brings up, but it is not appropriate or healthy in loving relationships. Continue to take care of yourself.
I'm reading along with the progress YS is making......as well as the dysfunctional reactions your wife and her family have. You sound clear and resolved about the issues facing everyone around you......I understand first hand what you're going thru......you're in a tough spot but your clarity about the situation and your own sense of your value and well being will get you thru.
When I was in the midst of that level of dysfunction...... rage and seething blame around the suicide of my son-in-law, over time I reconciled within myself that without kindness, compassion and empathy I was no longer willing to participate in those connections. As I let go of those connections and their commitment to negativity and blame, the kind of folks who utilize that behavior as their main reaction fell away from my life. That level of blowup was enough for me to see the truth.....it opened my eyes and paved the way for that kindness, compassion and empathy to arrive at my door.
Blame is a way to discharge the intense energy that the situation brings up, but it is not appropriate or healthy in loving relationships. Continue to take care of yourself.
BloodiedButUnbowed
Well-Known Member
Changed my username to protect my and my family's confidentiality....thank you Recovering Enabler for the kind and supportive words. It seems that you have traveled my path and made it through the other side. Your words are healing balm to me and I so appreciate them. I do not know whether my marriage will survive the poison that has been unleashed as a result of YS' actions, and the dawning of my consciousness.
I would like to get some feedback via PM relating to a situation over the weekend. For anyone willing to serve as an objective voice, please send me a message.
I would like to get some feedback via PM relating to a situation over the weekend. For anyone willing to serve as an objective voice, please send me a message.
I tried to send you a PM, but it wouldn't let me. I'm available, try PMing me, maybe that will work.
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
BBU
I tried to PM you but couldn't.
I just read your message now. I have been in the throws of craziness with AS.
Please feel free to ask and if I can help I certainly will
My husband and I separated for a year due to the stress of my son's actions and addition. It really tore us apart. If you had have asked me last year if I would have been rekindled with a better us I could never have seen that. But that is exactly what happened.
I have learned to understand people react differently and that does not mean they are less affected by what is around them emotionally.
My husband learned that he can not just glide through being task oriented and not emotionally engaged. I can't do that for 2.
Husband has tremendous guilt regarding AS. The bottom line is the three Cs. I am so grateful for Naranon. Now I just wish he would come instead of sneak reading my literature.
Hang in there.
I tried to PM you but couldn't.
I just read your message now. I have been in the throws of craziness with AS.
Please feel free to ask and if I can help I certainly will
My husband and I separated for a year due to the stress of my son's actions and addition. It really tore us apart. If you had have asked me last year if I would have been rekindled with a better us I could never have seen that. But that is exactly what happened.
I have learned to understand people react differently and that does not mean they are less affected by what is around them emotionally.
My husband learned that he can not just glide through being task oriented and not emotionally engaged. I can't do that for 2.
Husband has tremendous guilt regarding AS. The bottom line is the three Cs. I am so grateful for Naranon. Now I just wish he would come instead of sneak reading my literature.
Hang in there.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
i tried, too, to pm you, without success. if i can be of help, i will.
so happy ys is improving so dramatically.
so happy ys is improving so dramatically.
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
i believe that much of the time we pick people with whom we can work out our issues. what that may mean, is we pick people who trigger us, who have what we lack, gratify needs, or even abuse us in the way that did early important figures.
there is a fine line between working out the deep seated yearning to have it work out this time, and the repetition of a traumatic past.
and i guess sometimes we learn who we are in a relationship and who we are not. or do not want to be.
do we fight for ourselves in the relationship or do we move on?
i long for the person i was 5 years ago. 10 years ago. anybody but who i am now. but i tell myself: this pain has to be about me too. and for now i choose to keep trying to push through it.
but every day pretty much i revisit the question. i go day by day. maybe that is not such a bad thing.
i am learning that kindness and care come first from me for me. very slowly. that i do not have to respond or react to triggering behavior. that there is nothing i need to defend. or assert. that i can stand alone. that somebody elses bad behavior is not about me. it's theirs.
that i do not have to take on or take in anybody elses lack of control. and i have more capacity for tolerance and generosity than i believed.
which of course is not saying i will tolerate mistreatment. nor should anybody.
there is a fine line between working out the deep seated yearning to have it work out this time, and the repetition of a traumatic past.
and i guess sometimes we learn who we are in a relationship and who we are not. or do not want to be.
do we fight for ourselves in the relationship or do we move on?
i long for the person i was 5 years ago. 10 years ago. anybody but who i am now. but i tell myself: this pain has to be about me too. and for now i choose to keep trying to push through it.
but every day pretty much i revisit the question. i go day by day. maybe that is not such a bad thing.
i am learning that kindness and care come first from me for me. very slowly. that i do not have to respond or react to triggering behavior. that there is nothing i need to defend. or assert. that i can stand alone. that somebody elses bad behavior is not about me. it's theirs.
that i do not have to take on or take in anybody elses lack of control. and i have more capacity for tolerance and generosity than i believed.
which of course is not saying i will tolerate mistreatment. nor should anybody.
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Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
I am so grateful to have read, and be reminded of this this morning Copa!
pigless in VA
Well-Known Member
I think a lot of people get stuck in rehashing the negative emotions. I don't think they realize how deeply it affects them. It's been difficult for me to distance myself from the angry, blaming, negative people but life is so much better away from them.
