And the beat goes on.....learning to deal with my son

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Hey all! I haven't written in a very long time. So much has been going on, and I wish I had walked through some of this fire with you guys to help me along the way- even if just to tell me that it's OK.

Brief recap: Son (24) is the child that makes me absolutely weep in frustration, in anger, etc.

He's a weed smoker, ADHD, ODD, obstinate, argumentative, anger control issues, etc young man.

He has a baby boy who just turned 2.

He and the mother of the boy go back and forth with each other in a relationship I can only describe as highly dysfunctional in every single way.

They have an open CPS case. I knew this was coming at some point- and it has. She actually called in on him during one of their 'breakup' periods. He currently is only allowed to be around his baby supervised.

He's very resentful of this, and cannot realize that it is HIS OWN ACTIONS that created this situation in the first place.

Now another call has been made, by my daughter who witnessed an incident on Saturday that ate her up until she told me on Sunday. She called the worker on Monday and they took the info and also requested she make a report via the hotline.

Tuesday they went to the house- and he and the girlfriend (who are, no surprise, back together- codependent- he needs a place to stay and she 'needs' a man) are like Bonnie and Clyde. Furious.

When I asked my son if he did what is alleged, he actually was angry that I asked and started making excuses about how it wasn't 'that bad'.

SON YOU HAVE AN OPEN CASE! HOW COULD YOU BE SO DAMN DUMB TO DO THAT?

Again, without any self reflection and ownership of his actions. So, we've (my daughter and I- who up to now provide care for him four nights a week while his mama works) been told by Bonnie and Clyde that we can't see the baby.

Well, CPS doesn't really see it that way as we are 'approved' supervisors and caregivers, but ok.

Worker called me yesterday.

I'm just at a loss how he absolutely refuses to do better. And instead of understanding that SOMEONE has to look out for his son, he starts in about 'well, when I was 10 you....." and "you don't care about me" and "I can't believe my own family is turning on me like this" and "maybe if you had been a better MOTHER...." and on and on and on.

He truly believes that I want him to 'fail' at life. I want nothing MORE than for him to do well. For himself, and most importantly for the sake of his son. I ADORE that baby. And I can tell the difference in how the baby responds to my son. And it just breaks my heart. I'm frustrated that she continues to take him back and is actually willing to put the custody of her own son at risk so she can be 'with her man'.

Who brings nothing but drama and chaos to her life and the lives of her kids.

I'm venting but this is so frustrating.

 

[Littleboylost]

Welcome back and wow, that's a mitt full. By the way it's always our fault we want them to fail. I always ask my son why do you think that? He never has an answer.
Deflecting and Gaslighting is tough to deal with.

Hang in there and keep posting. We are with you and you are difinitely not alone.

 

[pigless in VA]

Penny,

It's the hardest when there is an innocent grandchild who is affected by the actions by an immature parent. You and your daughter have done your best in a terrible situation. I am so sorry.

 

[Tanya M]

I can relate so much this and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

When my son and girlfriend at the time got pregnant I strapped in because I knew it would be a wild roller coaster ride. They eventually married which did not end well - another long story. The girlfriend was very hesitant to marry my son and during that time my son would rant to me about how he had rights and would fight her for custody. He wanted me to testify for him which I told him I couldn't. When he asked why I told him I would be obligated to tell the truth about him and it wasn't good. I got the same rant as you did, how if I had been a better mother his life wouldn't be a mess, how he would be a great dad, blah, blah, blah. My son has 2 children that he abandoned. Yup, he's a "great dad" alright.

Your grandchild is lucky to have you and your daughter looking out for him.

It's hard enough to deal with an adult difficult child but when they start having children it compounds everything.

All you can do is what is in the best interest for your grandchild.

I'm glad you shared and vented to us.

Hang in there!!!

 

[RN0441]

Wow

So glad that you are there for your grandson. I can't imagine how much it hurts to see your son not be the father he should be.

That pain on top of the existing pain of having a Difficult Child must be excruciating.

I hope you have the energy to take care of yourself. It sounds like you are very strong and have a good handle on the situation.

 

[Acacia]

Sorry, that you have to be here again, but I am impressed by your determination to tell the truth and to do what is best for your grandchild. It's heartbreaking to see children be put at risk, and your son and his partner are adults, whether or not they act like it. They are facing the consequences of their actions. I am in a similar situation with my older difficult children, who blame everyone but themelves for their problems, and my heart breaks for my grandchildren. As parents we are powerless to change our children, but we can act with integrity, set boundaries, be honest, and take care of ourselves. That in and of itself in difficult circumstances is a great role model to all we those we interact with. And, hopefully, whenever your grandchild does have contact with you, you will be a light in his life.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Thanks for the responses. It's been a very stressful week- my stomach has hurt all week, I've not slept well......

I followed up with the caseworker today- who shared that regardless of the "you won't see him again!" declaration made by Bonnie and Clyde, they don't have the option- the only caregivers for him are those approved by CPS. The only ones approved? Myself and my daughter.

I reiterated to her on the phone that he was NOT raised this way. He's been an adult for 6 years, and I tell him ALL THE TIME that there will come a point where he will have no option but to grow up- unfortunately, I don't know that he ever will. I hate that my son is going to put himself in a position where they have to show him better than they can tell him. I've seen this coming. I knew it would get HERE.

I hate the fact that he has all these services available to him- drug counseling, couples counseling for them, and they are going to have a parenting assessment done (on both of them) and this will likely lead to Parenting classes and he resents this rather than takes advantage. He chooses to be OFFENDED. He desperately needs these services.

In my "I am not educated in this but know him" kind of way- I know that he has this very skewed version of what a dad is supposed to look like- authoritarian, disciplinarian (ironically, he NOW says that I didn't control him ENOUGH growing up, which has led to him being 'the way he is' today, and he 'won't allow his son to be like he was')- the child JUST turned 2.

I've even said- if you can't control your own emotions and anger, how in the hell do you expect a 2 year old to have the ability to control his? WHAT HE DOES IS NORMAL. DON'T BREAK HIS SPIRIT! DON'T BE THE BULLY HE HAS TO BATTLE! Compliance out of fear is not the same as compliance out of respect.

I WASN'T a perfect mother. No one is. But I tried. And God bless if I had access to the information (via internet) the way they do- I imagine I would have been even BETTER.

So, the test is Sunday. She goes back to work on Sunday. And I have to go out of town for work on Monday- so it'll be my daughter who has him the rest of the week. THAT is my main concern.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

I can relate so much this and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

When my son and girlfriend at the time got pregnant I strapped in because I knew it would be a wild roller coaster ride. They eventually married which did not end well - another long story. The girlfriend was very hesitant to marry my son and during that time my son would rant to me about how he had rights and would fight her for custody. He wanted me to testify for him which I told him I couldn't. When he asked why I told him I would be obligated to tell the truth about him and it wasn't good. I got the same rant as you did, how if I had been a better mother his life wouldn't be a mess, how he would be a great dad, blah, blah, blah. My son has 2 children that he abandoned. Yup, he's a "great dad" alright.

OMG! Yes! He has said repeatedly (when they have broken up) that he is going to get custody of his son and take him away from his mother.
You and what army? Not while I'm living and breathing! Then I was 'defending her' and 'not on his side'. BOY! You don't have a pot to piss in, a window to throw it out of, you have an OPEN CPS CASE, and can't even take care of yourself- and you are so arrogant to think any judge in any courtroom would EVER?

 

[Albatross]

I remember you and it is nice to "see" you again. And ugh...sorry you are so in the thick of it. I don't understand it either, how they just CAN"T SEE their part in it.

Lucky, lucky little boy to have you and your daughter as caregivers. I hope your son has a light go on about all of this very soon.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

I hope he does too Albatross. I really do. I've told CPS and I've told my son that I very much WANT him to be successful. I believe in my heart that he DOES love his baby- but only as much as he's CAPABLE of loving ANYONE - *and* he (based on observation) very much enjoys having the baby because it's the ONE thing in his LIFE that he feels he has ULTIMATE control over.

I've told him before and again on Tuesday when he shared the whole 'y'all won't see him again' thing that it's shameful to use his child as a weapon. SHAMEFUL.

I found myself (and thought of y'all during the end of all this Tuesday) getting too wrapped up in the 'back and forth' with him. There is no reasoning with him and it only frustrates ME after it's all done.

I'm not afraid AT ALL to take the baby if it comes to that. I do have concerns regarding work because I DO have to travel for work (only 100 miles from home, so not cross country, but still) and that leaves my daughter here alone and dealing with the crazies.

I need to find out how hard/easy it would be to get a Criminal Trespass warning on them if it comes to that to keep them away from my home.

THIS IS CRAZY.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Saturday update: I can feel myself starting to have some anxiety about what will happen tomorrow. They are supposed to bring the baby to me when she goes to work around 7 p.m.-ish and I don't know how that will happen- who will come? Do I say anything? I so badly want to tell Bonnie (i.e. Bonnie and Clyde=Son and girlfriend) that she has to understand that this is serious. Neither my daughter nor I, aside from MORALLY having an obligation to report, have a contractual obligation to report since we signed a service plan with the state- That if it's an issue, then DON'T DO ANYTHING that would get you in trouble! It's so simple! Or do I just stay quiet, and just go on. I don't believe she will mouth off at me, she DOES know I'm not the one to go there with- but she needs to understand that Monday-Wednesday evenings, she'll be dropped off with my daughter- and I need NO trouble.

I'm also having to talk my daughter, who is a smart and loving individual, but has her buttons too- that it's not about her, me, them, it's about the baby.

I'm trying to find a friend who maybe would be available to be here during those dropoffs. If I can't, then I've told my daughter to set her phone to record and put it in her pocket (not where it's obvious)- just for her own safety.

I just don't understand any of this. I've tried so hard to do so much for them both. I've tried to be supportive. She, Bonnie, is actually not a horrible person when she and my son are not together- but there is something about the two of them 'together' in their 'us against the world' mentality that makes them both hard to even deal with.

I have a younger brother that my son is so much like it's scary. We all (my mother, my other brother, and myself) all tend to walk on eggshells with him (we really only see him at holidays) because he's just not someone that's fun to be around. There is always a big sigh of relief when he leaves. My daughter mentioned last night that how 'we are' with my youngest brother' is how she will be with her brother. That makes me so sad- because I at least have GoodBrother and she has no one else.

/sigh.

Just need some good vibes and maybe some ideas on how to deal with the dropoff tomorrow.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Sunday update:

Son texted asking about gbaby's birthday gifts. I asked if baby was coming this evening (based on convo with CPS worker on Friday). He says no. In a nutshell: We (my daughter and I) can kiss his ass, we 'turned on him' and 'told on him' and he's not having his son around us. I reiterated that I did NOT want him to get in further trouble by not following the safety plan- and he said he wasn't worried about what I was saying.

I'm SICK. SICK. I seriously think I may throw up right now.

Because based on what the worker told me Friday- if he does NOT bring that baby to either me or my daughter - I am to call the caseworker THIS EVENING.

In my son's eyes - to "tell" on him.

I HATE THIS. I HATE ALL OF THIS.

 

[Albatross]

Oh no, Penny. I'm so, so sorry you are in the middle of this. How unfortunate that son has taken your loving concern as an attack against him.

I am hoping that son has a change of heart tonight and decides to do what is best for his child.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

He sees it as an attack on HIM. So, I've made the call (as I was instructed to do on Friday in the event they didn't bring the baby) and we can just see what happens.

I do worry about what he'll do - like any dog in a corner, they bite. I'm currently outside trying to figure out how to lock my fenced in patio gate and it won't work with a padlock. /sigh. I can hook the lock through but you can still push it down enough to come on the patio. That worries me.

I know what's happening- since Tuesday they have sat over there (Bonnie and Clyde, and her drug addicted parents, and now her sister and her husband who are in town from another state) and probably talked about how we are trying to take their baby away (never was my plan) and how f**k my family (from my son) and I don't need them and I'll figure this out with MA WOMAN! Jesus.

My boy has ALWAYS been DETERMINED to learn EVERY SINGLE LESSON the hard way. His sister and I (as I've mentioned) have done SO MUCH to get him going in life. Too much. And you know, if you don't do anything wrong, then you don't have anything to worry about, right? GAWD.

 

[Copabanana]

Penny. I am speaking only as an outside observer. A la: Easy for me to say. That caveat aside.

First. This is dominoes. And they are falling. And not your son's way. You have protected the baby who is helpless. Every other person involved has free will. No one of us is a perfect mother or was.

Second. Son can change. But it will have nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for his actions. All of this you know. Let me reiterate. No mother could be doing better or more.

Finally. Sooner or later cps will probably have a monitor present when the baby is transferred. For now is it possible to meet at somebodys house?

PS

This is not about what you did or did not do or the more you can or should do. This you know. No amount of beating yourself up will make him save himself. He can. But on his terms and timetable. I wish it was different. G-d knows. For you. For me. For the rest of us. No amount of our flesh will make it change for our sons. They are men now and need to do it themselves. I would urge you to make distance. He is destructive and thinking poorly now.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Thanks Copa- I made the call to the worker and evidently my sweet gbaby is with her sister somewhere other than home (ala no 'supervision' of my son is needed) which means my gbaby is basically with a stranger (to him) in a strange location. Nice.

Then - because both my daughter and I have been blocked from facebook by them both - she has a friend look him up and lo and behold- they a birthday party for him this weekend and that's when I lost it. I've been strong through this all and only really cried once. But after that? I've done nothing BUT cry.

How horribly cruel of him to do this. I realize that it's anyones guess at this point and he KNOWS KNOWS KNOWS how much we love and adore that baby- and how much he loves and adores US. So it's the perfect weapon.

I'm ready to stop crying and get angry.

 

[Albatross]

How horribly cruel of him to do this. I realize that it's anyones guess at this point and he KNOWS KNOWS KNOWS how much we love and adore that baby- and how much he loves and adores US. So it's the perfect weapon.

Oh Penny, I'm so sorry. Such a spiteful thing to do. Hugs to you...

 

[pigless in VA]

I hate for you that your grandchild is being used as a weapon to hurt you. Love shouldn't be used against you. I know it wounds you that your grandson is in the middle of the drama.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm so sorry Penny. How very cruel of your son to not include you for grand baby's birthday.

It's good that CPS has your name and number. Sadly, it's probably just a matter of time before one or both do something that will result in the baby needing to be removed from their care. If that happens they will most likely call you to see if you can take the baby.

It's just so unfair that your son's actions have created such drama and chaos in your life.

Hang in there Penny!!

((HUGS))

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

I have to tell y'all, I was so proud of myself today- it was a horrible day. An "I'm on the verge of crying any moment" day. An "I've had very little sleep day" and this:

my mom and brother (who my son doesn't care anything about) bought b-day gifts for the baby and brought them last weekend. I kept them at the house with the thought that a) we'd celebrate a small bit on his actual birthday -last week, or b) I'd take them to the party - which we weren't told about.....Well, so I had told son before all the drama that I had them.....then the bottom fell out of everything. So he asked yesterday if I were going to give him the gifts, and I told him yes- that I'd leave them on the patio.

So today I get a text that says:

"His gifts? If I can't get them today u can give that $hit back he really doesn't need anything from yall anyway"

I didn't see the text for 20 minutes...because.....WORK? So I read the first question and respond:

Rude. I hid them in the recycle bin at the house.

His response:

"I'm just saying. Tired of constantly having to ask and his birthday was on tuesday"

I cannot TELL ya'll all the things I wanted to respond. No, how I wanted to REACT.

I didn't reply at all.

The audacity of him is both typical and unbelievable at the same time. Like some weird universe. Like, who has he become? What does this mean for my gbaby growing up with HIM and HER?

I'm so tired, and want to cry and feel like I'm going to throw up and I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN CALLED IN ON IF HE HADN'T DONE ANYTHING. But as you all know, it's not HIS fault. It's OURS for reporting him.

I just don't get it.