And the beat goes on.....learning to deal with my son

[Albatross]

Good for you for not rising to his bait, Penny. I'm so sorry you're in the middle of Crazytown right now.

There is no getting it. In his mind he's been wronged, and his circle of logic is crazy-making and warped. You will likely not ever be able to logic it out, other than to say that he's either unwilling or incapable of seeing things from other points of view right now.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

It's been 10 days since I've seen my grandbaby (longest I've gone was 11 days in October 2015 because the baby's mother was mad at my son and took that out on everyone).

I don't feel the urge to throw up anymore, and I'm trying really hard to have faith that the CPS process will play out. I can't even say if he's ok or not. I have no idea.

I'm angry and feel like a horrible mother when I say that I despise him so much for what he has done to our family.

 

[Acacia]

Penny,
I am right there with you, despising how much sorrow and havoc my two older children have brought to our family. It was hard enough when there were no grandchildren involved, but now it's just heartbreaking. Until and if your son changes, you will always end up being blamed, manipulated, and thrown away when you don't rescue him. You are doing the right thing; you have no control over what your son does. I pray the system works for your grandchild. Take care of yourself. All of this is crazy-making and hurts, but I can tell you see the situation for what it really is.

 

[SeekingStrength]

I'm angry and feel like a horrible mother when I say that I despise him so much for what he has done to our family.

Hugs, Penny. I definitely relate to this.

 

[Littleboylost]

Oh Penny I feel for you. Hang in there and I am hoping CPS comes through for you also!

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry that you are having to endure all of this. I am also sorry that your grandchild also has to endure all of this. HIs thinking just flat makes no sense, but sadly that is irrelevant to those in power in the situation - him and baby mama.

I pray that CPS does more for your grandson than it did for my niece. It is good that CPS appears to be on your side in this. Whatever happens, document everything. Document EVERY interaction with your son. Document all the texts (can you go online and print them out? Some phone providers let you do this. If you can, DO print them - even if there are tons of them!) and a summary of all phone calls. Take photos of any marks on the baby when you have them. Be sure to include something in the photo for reference - a ruler, a book, something of a standard size that can help judge the size of what is in the photo.

Above all, get an attorney to protect your rights and to protect your grandbaby's rights. Grandbaby has the right to a violence free home. If you have had a relationship with him until now, both of you may have a legal right to continue that relationship. You may have to file suit to continue it, and there may be a time limit to file it. Grandparent rights vary greatly from state to state, so you need to see a lawyer now and explore it. Do google your state and "grandparents rights". Then go see the best family law attorney you can find. Be sure to explain whatever problems your son and his baby mama have and why CPS is involved, and what is going on with the baby not being taken to the only approved caregivers. See what your rights, and the baby's rights, are in that situation. The first meeting is often free, but even if it isn't, it may be worth it.

I am sorry that you have to cope with all of this garbage. I know how hard it is for all involved. Make sure you have your bases covered, then take good care of yourself. Find some time every day to do something nice for yourself. Otherwise you won't be able to take care of your grandbaby when you need to.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Thank you all for your kind words of support. I'm 12 days in from not seeing my sweet grandbaby- and the further from the 'event' the more manageable it has become. I can't say 'easy' because it isn't, and I do have my moments- I've already cried this morning because I imagine weekends are the worst- at least during the week he is at daycare all day.

I assume that her sister will be returning to Ohio, so who knows who will be watching the baby at night now. I cannot worry myself sick over this. I cannot.

Susiestar- make no mistake, I screenshot texts, document everything. I've printed off everything I could find about kinship caregivers in the CPS handbook and have information for home study etc- in the event he is removed.

Gparents, in Texas, unfortunately only have rights in about 5 instances:

• The parents divorced;
• The parent abused or neglected the child;
• The parent has been incarcerated, found incompetent, or died;
• A court-order terminated the parent-child relationship; or
• The child has lived with the grandparent for at least six months.

I have the name of an atty that I'll be calling this week- to see if I can pursue based on the second bullet.

My son creates such disarray everywhere. This is insane. I'm not going to allow myself to go crazy because of him.

I feel as though 'this' whole incident is what will ultimately break us. My daughter is DONE with her brother. That makes me so sad. I have a brother, as I've said, that is very much like my son- but I have another 'normal' brother. My daughter has no one else (me, but y'all know what I mean).....But no matter what happens - the way I interact and deal with my son is never ever going to be the same.

It's time for self-preservation.

I feel bi-polar too- because one day I'm all defiant and angry and over it and the next I'm sad and melancholy. Regretful.

I have to say to myself almost everyday "he is an adult and he makes his own decisions= and so the consequences are HIS"

 

[Littleboylost]

Thank you all for your kind words of support. I'm 12 days in from not seeing my sweet grandbaby- and the further from the 'event' the more manageable it has become. I can't say 'easy' because it isn't, and I do have my moments- I've already cried this morning because I imagine weekends are the worst- at least during the week he is at daycare all day.

I assume that her sister will be returning to Ohio, so who knows who will be watching the baby at night now. I cannot worry myself sick over this. I cannot.

Susiestar- make no mistake, I screenshot texts, document everything. I've printed off everything I could find about kinship caregivers in the CPS handbook and have information for home study etc- in the event he is removed.

Gparents, in Texas, unfortunately only have rights in about 5 instances:

• The parents divorced;
• The parent abused or neglected the child;
• The parent has been incarcerated, found incompetent, or died;
• A court-order terminated the parent-child relationship; or
• The child has lived with the grandparent for at least six months.

I have the name of an atty that I'll be calling this week- to see if I can pursue based on the second bullet.

My son creates such disarray everywhere. This is insane. I'm not going to allow myself to go crazy because of him.

I feel as though 'this' whole incident is what will ultimately break us. My daughter is DONE with her brother. That makes me so sad. I have a brother, as I've said, that is very much like my son- but I have another 'normal' brother. My daughter has no one else (me, but y'all know what I mean).....But no matter what happens - the way I interact and deal with my son is never ever going to be the same.

It's time for self-preservation.

I feel bi-polar too- because one day I'm all defiant and angry and over it and the next I'm sad and melancholy. Regretful.

I have to say to myself almost everyday "he is an adult and he makes his own decisions= and so the consequences are HIS"

Keep saying it! Keep posting it it will give you strength. My heart is with you.

 

[PennyFromTheBlock]

Update.

A few things. Since the 'blowup'- I've not heard one word from my son. Next tuesday it will have been four weeks since I've seen my grandbaby.

I'm in Texas, and hurricane (with my job-I'm not in the zone of destruction) has given me a diversion (sad isn't it?)- but it's still sits like a dull brick in the pit of my stomach.

Friend of my daughters saw on fb that they are in Ohio. This was my fear. They are there because the g/f's aunt passed away, but I'm terrified they will stay.

And you know, I've had to literally tell myself that I love my gbaby with every cell in my body- and I do- but he is not my child. I have no control over any of this.

Son and girlfriend will do themselves in. I just hope and pray there's not too much damage to that innocent child when they do.

 

[BusynMember]

My grandson is being damaged too and its not my sons fault. His mom, who ran off with another man while she was still married to my son, has 50/50 custody of grandson, as is the law in Missouri unless the parent is a convicted child molester, it seems. She eventually married this man and he is allowed to smack grandson around, but he doesnt leave matks and grandson is too scared of him and mom to talk to the cops. He slaps him around face too. Ex and her new honey had snother kid, but that one doesnt get smacked.

Every time grandson has to leave my son he gets hysterical and he is nine years old. Rarely a crybaby kid. Last week Mom pulled him out of school the first week he was there and he was terrified he was going to get into trouble and she let him think he might. He wants to do well in school, is very smart, and didnt want to miss school.

Grandson is probably already a mess, but son tells himself that because his son at least is loved with him, grandson will be okay.

I dont think so.

Ex has dragged son through court over son for four uears trying to get custody from son. She cant but keeps trying. Very stressful between patents although son will not directly communicate with her.

She wont let son talk to grandson when he is in her custody. Ever.

The kids suffer in these crazy relationships. Grandmothers have no more rights than strangers. There is nothing we can do. It is a powerless feeling.

 

[Littleboylost]

My grandson is being damaged too and its not my sons fault. His mom, who ran off with another man while she was still married to my son, has 50/50 custody of grandson, as is the law in Missouri unless the parent is a convicted child molester, it seems. She eventually married this man and he is allowed to smack grandson around, but he doesnt leave matks and grandson is too scared of him and mom to talk to the cops. He slaps him around face too. Ex and her new honey had snother kid, but that one doesnt get smacked.

Every time grandson has to leave my son he gets hysterical and he is nine years old. Rarely a crybaby kid. Last week Mom pulled him out of school the first week he was there and he was terrified he was going to get into trouble and she let him think he might. He wants to do well in school, is very smart, and didnt want to miss school.

Grandson is probably already a mess, but son tells himself that because his son at least is loved with him, grandson will be okay.

I dont think so.

Ex has dragged son through court over son for four uears trying to get custody from son. She cant but keeps trying. Very stressful between patents although son will not directly communicate with her.

She wont let son talk to grandson when he is in her custody. Ever.

The kids suffer in these crazy relationships. Grandmothers have no more rights than strangers. There is nothing we can do. It is a powerless feeling.

That breaks my heart SWOT. How people can be so cruel to children is beyond me.

 

[BusynMember]

But he wasnt a child. He was about 22. She wasnt being cruel to him. She gave him a place to stay and he didnt follow the house rules.

Thanks for your kind thoughts. Truly. But my point is, nobody who doesnt deal with this can understand. Until they see. Which she obviously did.

She was quick to call and biotch me out, but not willing to say "I get it now. He is challenging. I couldnt do it either."