Another day.... another promise?

[RN0441]

Colleen:

I have read your post and hear your fearful hope for better things for your son. I have fearful hope for my son too.

While we were in Florida my brother in law (who has never had children) said that hopefully he'll "grow out of it". Ha! If it were only the case we could just sit and wait it out I guess.

The only truth I see in that statement is that sometimes maturity MAY play some role in some of this madness but as they say, their maturity stops at the age the drug use starts. So that doesn't sound very hopeful to me.

I brought up during our meeting how our son would go on drug binges and in between be sober for a few months and that is why our situation dragged out so many years. We kept thinking that the last binge was "it" and certainly he'd learned from it and God forbid we upset him! We just wanted to smooth it over each time and kept thinking that was the last time. We wasted so much time doing that and so much energy and so much money. I can't say that there was any other way for us to do it even now looking back.

There are really few parents on here that took fast and severe action it seems. Most of us let the situation drag on for many years until we just can't take it anymore. We have made so many excuses and we have been so lost.

I do hope that your son is really on the right track this time but you will know quickly if he is not willing to do the work to stay sober - like we will with our son.

Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

 

[Copabanana]

Art school.

I did not know about this, Colleen. I will look back at your posts to see if I can locate where you talk about it. I believe in art as a way to change one's reality.

Is this really the thing he needs?

Only he can decide. I have found in my life there is not one thing that makes a difference until I decide to make it so.

Am I being wrong making him figure out how to pay?

No. You might think about matching his contribution but I think I would hesitate to pay it all without some plan that he comes up with, whether to reimburse you, Perhaps you can pay the initial deposit, if you are willing. Has he worked in the past?

 

[ColleenB]

Maybe I didn't mention it... but yes, he applied and was accepted into an arts college. They are well respected and have a one year diploma that touches on many arts based careers..: then they have two and three year programs that specialize... you can even work towards a bachelors of fine arts at the university. It's in town, and is small with lots of great instructors.

He said he felt we pushed the maths and sciences and that he stopped drawing and focusing on creative arts. I told him we would have encouraged artistic creativity and that I wasn't taking responsibility for that. He seems happy about it and my husband and I figure maybe this is a good program for his mental health. If he could do a one year program and actually graduate it would for sure boost him.

However.... he has been in so many university programs and dropped out, with anxiety and depression the result. I don't want to get my hopes up. A few years ago he even got into a prestigious leadership program and we really thought it was "it". The crash is so hard. I want to hope again.... this isn't university, it is college and hopefully more suited to his needs right now?

 

[Copabanana]

This sounds phenomenal. I would try to let him stay in the driver's seat and manage my expectations, though, hard, I know. If he decides now is not the time, he can tell them to put his application on hold. On my recent trip back east I met a woman almost my age who had been accepted to a pastoral program that she really wanted. She said that she withdrew her application at the last minute due to anxiety and depression. These thing happen even to high functioning and high achieving people nearly 3x son's age. I think one of my own biggest issues is being too invested in outcomes I want, over which I have no control and no right to aspire--except for myself.

 

[AppleCori]

Colleen,

I would consider having him take out loans for the classes.

That way, he has some skin in the game.

Many of our difficult young adults don't understand the value of other people's money (specifically, their parent's money).

If the loan is in his own name, he might take it more seriously, or at least, not sign up if he is unsure about finishing.

 

[Copabanana]

I would not encourage loans. What I would do is just not say anything. Let him solve this himself. In my experience there is no one thing or series of things that is the solution to life. He will either do this or he will not. If he does not do this now, he may do it later or do something else. Incurring debt is no guarantee he will follow through. It is just that, incurring debt. If he wants to do the school now and is lacking the funds let him think about it and come to you and your husband to propose something. The ball is entirely in his court.

 

[ColleenB]

He came to me yesterday with 230$ of the 250$ deposit. I paid it online for him, because he said he tried on Friday but they told him to go online. I do believe him. He used 20$ for a cab so he was a bit short.

I decided to go ahead and help him with that. He was in a bit of a tense mood yesterday and told us he hates living with us and wants to move out.... I told him we love him but feel the same way. It's not fun for us either.

Hoping he gets a legit job soon that lets him afford to move out again. His current job is in a garage under the table and isn't reliable. Heck I'm not covinced it's not working for some Hells Angels! Anyway.... if he is in the drug trade still, which I hope he isn't, he isn't making much. But maybe we are blind and he is conning us again... I would never say never.

I think it is a positive he wants to go to Art school. Even if all it does is give him a year to get his head on straight and start to feel better about himself I think it is a good idea. Husband the engineer who has always pushed univ and the sciences/math is on board. After the last few years he just wants to see him more stable and happy. We both have gotten over the univ dream... well, most days. I still get a punch to the gut as I see his friends graduate univ and make successful lives for themselves.... it is all so unreal. This was not a kid who didn't do well in school, all As in high school and captain of his sports teams. He never had a detention or bad teacher comment his entire school career. When I see young mums brag up their kids on Facebook, I feel like yelling "it doesn't always go as planned!"

I know it's pathetic to even think like that... but honestly.. we did NOT see this coming with this kid at all. He was the model kid until he hit 19. And we had a good relationship... no fighting or drama at all. Younger son was a pain as a toddler, tempermental, hated school as he went through.... not really a trouble maker, more lazy and unmotivated.... silly and class clown. We thought that was tough! We had no idea what was coming! Now youngest seems on track,working full time to save up for forestry school... he has never borrowed a dime and pays all his own fees and tuition. Finally he is motivated because he is excited about school for the first time!

We are so thankful he seems to be on track. I'm not worried about him... he knows how to pay bills and work full time. What else can we expect really... and he is only just 19. Our boys seem to have decided to give us a hard time at both ends.... oh well!

Trying to stay positive for all our futures.... but it's like I'm scared older son is still deep in the drug world and I am just blind to it.... maybe I need to be right now, as long as he isn't driving our cars and there is none in my house... what else can I do??? I have no proof.... it's more a deep deep fear. And maybe some mom intuition.

If I'm being totally honest.... I often wonder if the garage job is a front. And maybe he is still in it. He had changed in some big ways.... not strung out anymore, not as angry, planning for his future....but I feel a little nag that it isn't all over yet.... the out all night often, the money for his deposit ( which he could have borrowed from his brother... he wouldn't tell on him) I don't know.... maybe I am just paranoid. There is nothing in the house, we have cleaned the basement twice now looking.

Sigh.... I wish I had a crystal ball.....

 

[Copabanana]

Even if all it does is give him a year to get his head on straight and start to feel better about himself I think it is a good idea.

I find myself nodding in agreement to all you write, especially to his moving out to his own place. Are there room to share situations in your town? Here they can be as low as maybe $225 to $325 at the low end.

I'm scared older son is still deep in the drug world and I am just blind to it

This is a variation of the kind of fear I have. The what if fear which can consume me. Just eat me up alive.

This is where we have a choice to commit to ourselves, to the fulfillment of our own wishes and desires, and the utmost protection of ourselves and our space. I know you know this Colleen, but like me, come here to put the yawning and terrible dread out there so as to name it and most beyond. Take care.

 

[ColleenB]

Thanks Copa...I agree, trying to focus on my marriage and my career... both have suffered.

I am planning out our summer plans and even next summers! Trying to make my marriage the priority.

I may even do a little painting today... the sun came out after weeks of rain.

 

[mof]

Colleen,

Just positive vibes here. I was an art major, if he is a creative person it may be for him.

I would make him pay and you can gift him payments on his completion if u feel compelled.

Your right. He knows how to basically care for himself. As for drugs I guess u will never really know..

Prayers to you!!

 

[RN0441]

Colleen

You sound like you're dealing with it pretty well.

It sounds like your son could be depressed with some drug use. Maybe he has it under control and maybe he can pull out of it if he tries hard enough.

Or maybe he is like my son who I finally realize now is really sick. His brain needs to heal. Also another symptom of it is that they think they are not sick. I told my son that when I talked to him last. What can be a worse condition that being sick but thinking you are not sick as part of that condition?

I hate that my son had to go through this again but I felt it coming and if it had to come, I'm glad it came and we are dealing with it. I had a feeling of pending doom. I really tried to shake it often. My husband did not have that feeling ever so I kept it to myself because he thought I was being negative but moms know this stuff.

My son knows he has to stay where he because he has no place else to go. It had to come to that I guess for him. I hate that he may feel trapped but maybe he has to feel trapped to seek the answers he needs.

I do wish the best for you. I know how hard it is. So good that your younger son is doing so good though!!

Hugs and sending positive thoughts to you!