Another failed attempt
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Fairy dust
Active Member
So much sadness in these stories and on this site. However only we can understand each others pain, grief and sadness as the story threads are so similar. What I do know is this. We all did the best we could for our adult children with the tools we had in our toolbox to give. They are now adults and make their choices, albeit not the choices we would have wished for them. We warriors however also have choices to make and for me I am working so hard to reclaim my life. My happiness cannot be contingent on my son, and his choices. I have the right to feel joy again, even in the smallest of things. I have the responsibility to give that joy back to me. I imagine myself as a little girl and feel so sad that I have starved her for many years of joy and happiness by chasing after my son, of whom I have no control, and wanting so desperately to have the relationship I dreamed of with him. No more. I must reclaim my life. I must take care of me. I must show the little girl that she does matter, her heart and love does matter and to do my best to give her joy and happiness, the joy and happiness I for so long didn’t think I deserved because of the son issues. I deserve it, we deserve it and by the grace of the universe our wayward children will discover that they deserve joy and happiness too. Hugs to you all.
So Very Drained
New Member
Oh but how to truly stop that. I am packing to go on a trip that has been scheduled since August - my daughter, her husband, and me and my husband - that we have counted down the months and the weeks and the days - and this evening, my son texted me to say he got fired. I can't believe it. I have truly tried so hard not to give him money and have gotten so much better at saying no. But he called Wednesday and said he somehow got behind on rent and needed a weeks rent not to get kicked out - which I said I wouldn't pay for anymore - but because I knew this trip was coming up and I didn't want to worry about him being homeless while I'm away (I know, selfish), I caved and gave him the money. And now I know he will be homeless because he won't have enough to pay rent for much longer with no job. I have spent a small fortune paying his rent and phone and food - and was doing so much better - but he's always a step behind. I know in my head that I can't keep rescuing him, especially to my own demise. I only have a few more years to work. In my head I can't justify spending money I'll need in my retirement for ME to live. The money I've given him was from an inheritance from may parents that has quickly run out. I feel like I have PTSD with him. My heart when he calls or texts or messages me - just WAITS for the bad news. And it isn't always bad news - but most of the time it is. And now the excitement and the joy has gone out of this trip like a pin in a balloon.... I pray the God will intervene with my son - and that He would please take the burden of his problems from me so I can live.... I am just sick..........physically sick. I know I deserve this trip but I just don't think I'll have a good time for worrying about what is going to happen with my son. Sometimes it's more than I can bear........ Anybody got a magic wand?????
Fairy dust
Active Member
So very drained! I am so sorry that this happened especially before your trip. It’s interesting. My son who thrives on chaos would often act out even more before a big event, or trip. And too many times I would cancel plans. It didn’t help myself or him. I am not sure why your son lost his job but he owns that, not you. I understand that you giving him money to help with rent will alleviate your anxiety short term. How about letting him know that you are prepared to assist for x number of weeks but after that he is on his own. That will give him time to apply for other jobs, get his stuff together etc. that will give you a short reprieve so that you can go and enjoy this much needed vacation with your husband and daughter and son in law. Then when you come back you can see where things are at and go from there. My therapist helped me realize that while I can worry, only allow myself 10 minutes of worry and then go on with my day. We can train our brains to do this. At the end of the day we need to love ourselves more. Take that trip and enjoy! Try not to talk about the issues During the trip. It will only hijack everyone. Go and set yourself free! You are so worth it! Hugs!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I think G-d needs you to your part. Right now you, this second, you have the ability to give this burden to G-d.
The magic wand is in you. Just decide to allow your son to have his own relationship to his life.
Yes.
Yes. Have a great trip.
I’ve only posted once on this site, basically introducing myself. My heart goes out to you as I’ve gone through this with my 44 yr old daughter on and off for 20+ yrs. One consolation is that she is with her boyfriend, the father of their daughter that I’m raising. I don’t say let go, I say, I’m allowed to move on and live my life each day, in relative peace. I pray for them each day, and obviously hope they are safe and doing something to get their lives together but that’s ultimately up to them. I hope this helps you.
LostinTranslation77
New Member
I'm so sorry your efforts are going unreciprocated. That must be devastating for you. I always thought the law in any state was to pick up a person who was unable to care for themselves, give them a well check and perhaps try to contact their family. It seems there are so many who are in these circumstances - not sure if it's overwhelming for the police force - or if it's just a 'they have rights' situation. I, too, have trouble giving up. It's so heartbreaking. Frustrating! I'll say a prayer for you and Josh. From one suffering mum to another, peace.
LIT77,
Thank you for your concern and your prayers. I'm always sorry to hear of another mother who is suffering through this nightmare. I think the police have a policy of only arresting people for felonies. Josh has been stopped for shoplifting and having drug paraphernalia (spelling?) but those are misdemeanors and they let him go. I looked into having him taken in for a 72 hour observation but they don't do that for drug addicts, only the mentally ill, and he has not been diagnosed. Also, you have to file in person, and we live across the country. I've decided to call the police tomorrow and file yet another report. Hopefully, any officer who comes across him will take the time to call me when he's still in their presence instead of after the fact. The facebook post I did in early January got a lot of empathetic responses but no one who actually encountered him and had any interaction with him. I'm pretty much out of ideas. I wish I had the time and the financial means to just go to Phoenix and hang out in one of the main areas he has been seen, in the hopes that he would eventually come. But I can't do that as it could be days and even longer.
Thank you for your concern and your prayers. I'm always sorry to hear of another mother who is suffering through this nightmare. I think the police have a policy of only arresting people for felonies. Josh has been stopped for shoplifting and having drug paraphernalia (spelling?) but those are misdemeanors and they let him go. I looked into having him taken in for a 72 hour observation but they don't do that for drug addicts, only the mentally ill, and he has not been diagnosed. Also, you have to file in person, and we live across the country. I've decided to call the police tomorrow and file yet another report. Hopefully, any officer who comes across him will take the time to call me when he's still in their presence instead of after the fact. The facebook post I did in early January got a lot of empathetic responses but no one who actually encountered him and had any interaction with him. I'm pretty much out of ideas. I wish I had the time and the financial means to just go to Phoenix and hang out in one of the main areas he has been seen, in the hopes that he would eventually come. But I can't do that as it could be days and even longer.
Thank Cparker52. Twenty years is a long time to have been going through this. I'm sorry for what you've experienced. I too pray each day and try to live my life as best I can. It involves compartmentalizing the grief so I can do what I need to do each day.
So Very Drained
New Member
Is this the right thing to do? I have spent so so so much money paying his rent, phone, food. Paid for it through his divorce so he could fight for joint custody of his 3 1/2 year old daughter. Paid for it until he found a job - and through him being sick, thus not getting paid. And to the same end. He does well for a period of time and then he does something that causes him his job - this time pointing out "safety violations" (and not big violations) which of course he says is the "right" thing to do - but that doesn't always keep you employed. He often becomes a liability to the company and gets fired. He needs to learn how to play the game, sorry to say. It's how one survives sometimes. But he doesn't learn. And here we are. So the hotel manager gave him until Monday morning to be gone. His ex will keep his things and his daughter's things in her storage unit - and will then drop him downtown. In 21 degree weather. No homeless shelters near where he is - closest is hours away. I told him no more. No more cell phone bills (will be cut off the 27th), no more rent (he's already behind) and he has no money for food. I thought saying no was the right thing? Am I wrong? Should I help him until he gets another job which could be months from now? But how can I when know he is completely alone in this town where he has zero friends? The clock is ticking..... I'm so confused.
So Very Drained
New Member
I thought I had..... I've prayed and prayed and I go back and forth and back and forth..... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO COLD OUTSIDE??? When he messaged me while I was on vacation, he said he explained to his daughter that he was going to have to go away for a while but he'd be back and have an even better place for the two of them. He told me her Mom was there to pick her up and he had to get his head together and not break down in front of her. Then the hotel manager gave him a reprieve until Monday morning. There's no where for him to go. Such a small town. There because his wife's parents are there and that's where they moved until things with his then-wife blew up. How do I just decide to let him be homeless in this weather???? I thought I had. I thought I had decided that I've tried everything and nothing has worked and so now it's time to "let go" and pray and pray that my son figures it out. Lord have mercy.
Trip was nice except for when I thought I was in paradise and my son was about to be in sub freezing temps with nowhere to do - then the reprieve from the hotel manager - God for sure.
So Very Drained, your son is a man, and not a child. You have done so much already, and in my opinion you aren’t obligated to do anything more financially. If you do, it will only enable him even more. These are terrible situations we are faced with that no parent should have to face. My daughter is also homeless where it is cold, but her mother has poured so much money and effort into helping her and so have I (we are divorced), to the point of exhaustion, but it hasn’t helped. Read the article on detachment, linked at the top of the Parent Emeritus forum in this website. We pray and hope the best for our adult, addicted children, but also must be prepared for the worst. Yes, maybe he will freeze to death, or maybe he’ll start to figure things out since you wouldn’t be there to bail him out. Either way, it wouldn’t be your fault. As an adult, he must deal with the consequences of his own decisions. Obviously the decision you are wrestling with is up to you, and I am not saying what you should do. It does seem you really need to take care of yourself though. I am praying for you and him.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I have been all alone in towns where I had zero friends or family. In fact, that was the story of my adult life. What did I do? I solved the problems.
His decisions, not yours, have let him be homeless in this weather. I mean, if you wanted you could ask him if he wants you to buy a bus or train ticket to somewhere where it is warmer and there are more social services. But eventually you (and he) will have to face what Dad says, that he is a grown up adult.
SVD. In your mind I think you feel you are protecting your son. It may be otherwise.
So Very Drained
New Member
Thank you. I keep praying and praying - for my son and for me. I appreciate your response. I am trying so very hard to be strong. I'm back to taking 1/2 an Ativan twice a day. I have to be able to function.
So Very Drained
New Member
Lol. I must be older than you. I have no idea what SVD means. But I do hear the rest of your response. And this is going to sound very harsh but - I'm afraid if I sent him money for a ticket somewhere, he'd come back here (where it's also freezing cold) and be on my doorstep. There is no way for me or my husband (not his Father) to live with my son again. We've done it so many times and it's never ever been helpful. Just disastrous for the rest of the family. And that makes me feel like a horrible Mother.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
So Very Drained equals SVD.
Whose choice would this be, should he decide to return? At some point he needs to take responsibility for his choices. The sooner he does, the better for him. At some point we need to set boundaries. Stating them clearly to our children gives them the opportunity and the responsibility to listen and to hear us. If they choose to not hear us, the responsibility is theirs, not ours. At some point we need to set internal limits so that we are true to our choices and to ourselves. Internal limits also keep us from being consumed by guilt. The feeling of guilt cannot be stopped altogether. But it can be contained. And we can teach ourselves to live from another playbook such as responsibility, consideration, dignity and thoughtfulness. We can choose to not indulge ourselves in our sense of guilt, our fear and our sense of obligation. Internal limits are as important as external boundaries.
So much of our situations have to do with free choice and free will. We do not have to be determined and controlled by all of our circumstances. We can choose what we pay attention to. So much of our adult children's lives are really not our business. As I have written, and I like the sound of these words: Our children own their own lives. And they own responsibility for living their own lives well or not. If they don't there is only so much we can do. By the time we show up on this board, most all of us have gone off the deep end.
So much of what affects us negatively we can decide to avoid, to not take in, to not take personally or to rise above. We do not have to be controlled and defined by our feelings. We do not have to assist our children in destroying themselves and us and our families. We have the responsibility to live our own lives well. To allow ourselves to be destroyed is to not live well.
This is the kernel of truth that keeps us stuck. Are mothers perpetually responsible for the choices of other adult people (otherwise known as their adult children?) Of course not.
This is a very good insight that you've had. It puts this whole drama on a stage where you have both responsibility and control. To enable our adult children is to contribute to stunting their growth as full human beings. If we enable them in order to avoid feeling bad about ourselves, we sacrifice their welfare, with the illusion that we're helping them. As they say, feelings are not facts. We are not helping them by reacting to their bad behavior, to their helplessness, self-indulgence, carelessness and drama. And we are not helping ourselves by living our lives to avoid feeling badly about ourselves. Feelings are not important. Actions are important.
The only possibility for our adult children to live better is to experience consequences to their behavior, and to learn. Our adult children own responsibility for their choices and they own their own lives.
I will add this. Often, too often, our beloved children do not save themselves. Sometimes, the most dreadful fear comes to be. Even when we do everything in our power to help our children, and then when we see our actions only make life terrible for us, and worse for them, we step back--and they do not save themselves, they do not learn. Unfortunately, in this group, are many of the people who tend to stay around here, like myself. A damned if you do and damned if you don't type of situation. Helping without limit didn't help, and stepping back didn't help much either. Well? Then what do we do, besides writing long posts here?
You write you have a husband and other family. We have lives. We have purpose. Our lives have meaning. There is worth to having a good, calm, secure, safe, enjoyable life. You are with it, to have that kind of a life. Sometimes, we need to look deeply inside ourselves, with a therapist or not, and at our lives, to see if there are past experiences, deep feelings that contribute to these patterns we have with our adult children. That may not be the case for you, but it most certainly was a factor in my suffering.
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I'm sorry you are going thru this. Only you know what you can live with. If you feel this is not the time to walk away...then don't do it. If you decide this is the end of the line, then do that. We all think we know what we could and should do.but we all, at some point, did something else.
Some times you choose what you can live with today. Tomorrow might be a different decision.
Ksm
Some times you choose what you can live with today. Tomorrow might be a different decision.
Ksm
So Very Drained
New Member
I have much better relationships with my adult daughter (44) and adult son (almost 27). I am far from perfect and they remind me when I'm being overbearing or worrying too much. As I've said before, my troubled son was hit by a car while riding his bike as a young teenager and I prayed so hard on the way to the hospital - that he would live. He was somewhat difficult before the accident but his behavior worsened after the accident and then there were years of uncontrolled seizures (controlled now as long as he keeps up with his medications). (It's hard to describe how it feels to think your child has died in an accident - and I felt that in my soul on the drive to the hospital. That feeling doesn't leave....) He's so smart - but so stupid at the same time. His life is a pattern that repeats itself over and over and over. When things are going relatively well, you wait for the other shoe to drop. I sent him money for one more week of rent which his landlord thankfully agreed to - for the purpose of contacting shelters and looking for work. It ends there so he needs to make the most of this gift of time out of the cold with a roof over his head and a shower. There aren't many days to this reprieve and I PRAY he uses them to his advantage. I couldn't leave him on the street in 10 degree cold where he'd die. He will either use this time to get himself some help or..... he won't. Of course there is some instant relief to knowing he isn't out in the cold freezing - but the clock is ticking so the reprieve will be brief unless he wants to do what he needs to in order to be safe. I thank you for your words. All of them.
And "duh" on the SVD. Sometimes my brain is in sloth mode.
So Very Drained
New Member
Thanks, KSM. I wanted so hard to stick to my guns of no more money - but I was such a mess about his well being. After much thinking and prayer, I had to give him another 7 days to make the contacts out there that he needs to in order to be safe and then progress from there (please, God). And yes - depending on what happens when this week is over, it might be a different decision..... Thank you.
