Another failed attempt

[Beta]

Just about a month ago, I filed another one of half a dozen missing person's reports with the Phoenix police. I didn't hear anything until last Friday afternoon. I was hoping that, as previously happened, any police officer who crossed paths with Josh would call me right away and put his phone on speaker and let me try once again to persuade Josh to get help or let us come to Phoenix and meet with us. Unfortunately, how that is handled is up to each individual police officer. In this case, the police officer did not call me but just called the officer in charge of taking the reports to report his interaction with Josh, and that officer then called me. He told me that the acting officer asked Josh if he would like to call/contact me, but Josh said he didn't want to talk to anyone. The officer asked if he wanted to get help, and as usual, Josh said no, he did not.

So, that was really disappointing, not to have had that chance to talk to him again. I had been thinking a lot about what I would say to Josh or ask him should I be able to speak to him again, and I didn't get the chance to do that.

I don't know how to think about this. I mean, it's a given that I will always love and pray for Josh. I pray for him every day, multiple times a day as God brings him to mind. But I have to wonder, does God want me to continue this cycle of "file a report/wait/be disappointed" again and again, or do I just give it up? Josh hangs out in or near a couple of the main libraries in Phoenix. Any time he wanted to get help or to contact us to come, he could do that. Yet, he doesn't.
Just before I heard from the officer on Friday, I had done another posting on FB, with a photo of Josh, asking people to keep a lookout for Josh and asking if they might consider reaching out to him with food, warm clothing, an encouraging word or encouragement to get help, etc. I got a lot of responses from people, some just reacting with empathy; other's promising to keep their eyes open for him. But given Josh's response on Friday, it seems foolish now to have asked people to do that. If he won't respond to my request to contact us, why would he respond to anyone else? I don't think I'll do it again.

I do have moments when I just want to give up entirely and let him go.

 

[ksm]

Hugs. I don't know what I would do in your situation. Just know you have done everything you can do. Ksm

 

[Copabanana]

I have to wonder, does God want me to continue this cycle of "file a report/wait/be disappointed" again and again, or do I just give it up?

I mean, clearly I don't know what G-d wants, but personally I don't think this cycle of what New Leaf calls, wash, rinse, repeat is good for us. But that doesn't mean we give up.

Josh hangs out in or near a couple of the main libraries in Phoenix.

Well. A while back you thought of traveling to Phoenix. I know this must sound like lunacy. Each time I went to the metro where my son was homeless, even when he assured me he would meet me, it was a bust. He didn't show. All it was for me was a few hour train ride each way. I am of the impression that Phoenix is very far away from where you live. Even across the country.

. But given Josh's response on Friday, it seems foolish now to have asked people to do that. If he won't respond to my request to contact us, why would he respond to anyone else? I don't think I'll do it again.

I don't think it was one bit foolish to ask the people to pray, to love him, to watch for him. Look at the response you got!!

I do have moments when I just want to give up entirely and let him go.

I know. But I don't think this is an off/on switch. I think there are other notches on the dial. We tried again, letting my son come back to a rental apartment I own. It was a disaster. He left. But that does not mean that I have to "let him go" or "give up."

My son is not using Fentanyl as far as I know but he has other very high risk factors. He has untreated Hepatitis B. He is brain injured. He does use other drugs. I live with the fear he will die. But I don't have to either deaden myself or give him up. I don't want to be dead and I don't want to give up or give him up.

I don't know the answer. I think it's reassuring that Josh hangs out where he is known, with what is familiar and where he can be found. Josh knows you know where he is. In a peculiar kind of way, he is seeking safety. I don't know how people recover from Fentanyl. There are a lot of things i don't know about Josh, like for one, where he gets the money to buy the drug. My son is on SSI. He uses that money.

I guess what I am trying to say is the issue here is we have to find another notch on that dial. So that we aren't in constant freefall. But I don't think the answer is letting go. I really don't. Nor do I think, Beta, that you're capable of it. I really don't. Love, Copa

PS I don't think this was a "failed attempt." Every contact reminds Josh one more time how much he is loved.

 

[Bettyboo44]

Beta, I can only imagine your disappointment when the officer made contact with Josh and you weren’t granted that opportunity to speak to him, but maybe he doesn’t want to be saved, not now anyway. Maybe one day he will, but as you know better than anyone, that he wont reach out until/if he is ready.
I don’t think your silly for wanting people to be compassionate towards him, but I also don’t think it’s a bad idea at all to take a step back from the idea of travelling looking for him and giving yourself a break from waiting by the phone, posting on social media.
You need to mind you too, and not use up all your time and energy waiting, hoping, trying. Use that energy to be kind to yourself and in the knowledge that police will be in touch with updates and that Josh can reach out through various different libraries if and when he wants to. Who knows, maybe he’ll be more inclined if he thinks it’s his choice rather than feeling that’s what’s expected of him.
Much love and prayers to you Beta and Josh

 

[Copabanana]

I think Josh must feel shame. I think he must want that drug very, very badly. I don't know what will intervene to stop that cycle, but I hope that he will be arrested for something small, and that way given treatment. I say that because I worked in psychiatry in prison working with thousands of people who went off drugs that way. But Josh seems like my son, in that they don't act out to the level that brings arrest and incarceration.

What I do know is this is out of our hands. I used to feel like my heart was outside of my body walking outside on the street. Now I don't. I feel my heart is back inside me. I feel moments of intense pain and sometimes even dread, but I feel peace a whole lot of the time, and I am able to concentrate more on the pain of my own life and how to alleviate it. So, I know Beta, that you can do this. I know that because I am. Love Copa

 

[Beta]

earWell. A while back you thought of traveling to Phoenix. I know this must sound like lunacy. Each time I went to the metro where my son was homeless, even when he assured me he would meet me, it was a bust. He didn't show. All it was for me was a few hour train ride each way. I am of the impression that Phoenix is very far away from where you live. Even across the country.

You've written about doing that before, and it just breaks my heart that that happened to you. That's what I fear would happen even if we could find him in a city like Phoenix with all the homeless population. I couldn't handle that. It would just be more trauma on top of trauma for me. So until he decides that he wants to talk to us, I can't do anything. And yes, we live across the country, just outside Atlanta, Georgia.

I don't think it was one bit foolish to ask the people to pray, to love him, to watch for him. Look at the response you got!!

I actually had two people who responded with something like, "Oh, you don't want to bother getting on a plane and finding your son but you want us to look out for him and help him?" So I kind of wondered about whether I was wrong to do it.

There are a lot of things i don't know about Josh, like for one, where he gets the money to buy the drug.

I'm not sure how he gets all the money he uses, and honestly, I'm afraid to think too much about it, but I know some of it comes from selling things he shoplifts.

I guess what I am trying to say is the issue here is we have to find another notch on that dial. So that we aren't in constant freefall. But I don't think the answer is letting go. I really don't. Nor do I think, Beta, that you're capable of it. I really don't.

I like that way of thinking about it. And you are probably right, I don't think I'm capable of it. I think it would be more painful in a lot of ways.

I think Josh must feel shame. I think he must want that drug very, very badly. I don't know what will intervene to stop that cycle, but I hope that he will be arrested for something small, and that way given treatment. I say that because I worked in psychiatry in prison working with thousands of people who went off drugs that way. But Josh seems like my son, in that they don't act out to the level that brings arrest and incarceration.

Yes, I think so too. At least part of what he feels I believe is shame. I also wonder if he has just given up and given in. As far as being arrested, a police officer told me he would have to commit a felony before he would be arrested. I pray sometimes that he would be arrested so he would be off the streets and not have easy access to the drug. So far, it hasn't happened.

I don't think this was a "failed attempt." Every contact reminds Josh one more time how much he is loved.

Thank you for saying that. I will try to keep that perspective.

 

[Beta]

I don’t think your silly for wanting people to be compassionate towards him, but I also don’t think it’s a bad idea at all to take a step back from the idea of travelling looking for him and giving yourself a break from waiting by the phone, posting on social media.
You need to mind you too, and not use up all your time and energy waiting, hoping, trying. Use that energy to be kind to yourself and in the knowledge that police will be in touch with updates and that Josh can reach out through various different libraries if and when he wants to.

Thank you. I guess I just hope and pray that maybe God will bring someone alongside him on a regular basis who might be able to develop some rapport with him and influence Josh in a positive way. I have filed about six missing persons reports over the last year. I do try to "take a break" of several months at least between them to allow myself not to be focused so much on him. Then I start to wonder if he's alive, and I use the report to help determine at least this much. It really bothers me that Josh is probably using the library and its computers and yet not contacting us at all. If that's true, that really hurts.

Thanks for your prayers and "hugs". Always, always appreciated.

 

[Copabanana]

"Oh, you don't want to bother getting on a plane and finding your son but you want us to look out for him and help him?"

I think this is incredibly cruel. Heartless and cruel. Thank G-d everybody isn't this way.

. It really bothers me that Josh is probably using the library and its computers and yet not contacting us at all. If that's true, that really hurts.

My son is mad at us. Why? Because he did not want to keep his agreement to us, what we asked in return for him to say in the apartment I own. Just basics. No drug use, no smoking, pay for utilities. So he left, he blocked me on his phone
(through the holidays). He has not called. In the past when I ask about this kind of behavior he says,
"I was ashamed."

I think when our sons think of us, they see themselves reflected. And I think they feel kind of disgusted
with themselves. I think this floods them. They can't get beyond it.

I will tell you what i think. My son uses libraries too. I am so grateful he has these safe places.
I want to think of your Josh and my Joseph as having moments of safety and refuge. It matters not a bit to me at this point that Joseph doesn't call me. For most of my day I am able to feel safety myself, and not excruciating crippling fear. I am grateful for that.

 

[Scout999]

I guess I just hope and pray that maybe God will bring someone alongside him on a regular basis who might be able to develop some rapport with him and influence Josh in a positive way.

Praying for you, Beta, and your son Josh. I can hear that pain in your words how much you love him. Big hug. I know the hurt when he doesn't reach out to you. It's like this big personality change has happened. With all the manipulations that are happening with my son, I'm no longer sure that son from the past exists anymore. Hoping you can break from the worrying and do something for yourself.