Another rough day...

[2much2recover]

So while I admit your reasoning is sound...making it sound like I'm somehow taking advantage of my husband just makes me mad.

Sorry that you took what I was saying as though you are taking advantage of your husband - that is NOT what I meant. I truly am sorry it came out this way. What I meant is Jabber AND YOU are the good guys. He could have married someone without a child but he chose to take the two of you on as a package deal. (and that is always an expensive choice for whoever does it) What else I was trying to say is that your husband is one of the good ones. Obviously if he didn't love you, he wouldn't do what he does for you or your son. What I am trying to say is at some point it is when you feel you weak and don't want to and NO think of what this other person in your life has done and who is deserving of YOU and who is not.
I married a man who helped me finish raising my child and I feel lucky to have married that kind of man. I don't feel that takes away anything from my own self-esteem or from how I feel about myself. I don't think I owe mine either. But I am grateful and I am thankful so I put my husband's needs and wants ABOVE Difficult Child's. Maybe you don't want to understand that when you take money out of a pocket and SPEND IT (the bio-dads for not having to pay) because it would mean, yes, you need to stop spending money on Difficult Child.
Notice no one anywhere here is telling you to go NC with your son - mostly we are trying to get through to you that you are just throwing good money after bad.
Math again (you are so to the letter - to scoot past the point) Say rent (OK Cellphone doesn't count as money spent by you guys ) $285 x 6 (months) x 4% interest x number of years until retirement. (after already paid college, another apartment and a car - oh and the value of money/items he stole

So while I admit your reasoning is sound...making it sound like I'm somehow taking advantage of my husband just makes me mad.

It is however ironic that you are giving this argument while the rent for Difficult Child's apartment is in Jabbers name????? And you wanted to give more money (bus pass and food) but were able to hold yourself back with your husbands help. You need to stop squandering money on your son and think of yourself as a couple first IS THE POINT!

 

[nlj]

He could have married someone without a child but he chose to take the two of you on as a package deal. (and that is always an expensive choice for whoever does it)

My second husband was the single father of a 1 year old daughter when we met. I did think of the implications of this when our relationship became serious, but I never thought about it in terms of money. It was more the being able to provide for her emotional needs, taking on the role of mother to this little girl. He has taken on the stress of supporting me in my journey with my troubled son. Neither of us has ever considered the financial side of any of this I don't think. We're in it together. With any blended family, if any party started keeping a financial log of the costs I think it would end in divorce courts very quickly.

 

[Lil]

Maybe you don't want to understand that when you take money out of a pocket and SPEND IT (the bio-dads for not having to pay) because it would mean, yes, you need to stop spending money on Difficult Child.

Did I NOT just say:

I fully understand that every penny we give him - WE not Jabber - is money WE don't have for ourselves.

Quit beating the poor horse. It's DEAD already.

 

[Kathy813]

Wow, Lucy, I certainly didn't mean to make you feel defensive. If you have read many of my posts, you know that I always tell new people that our posts are based on our experiences and to take what advice works for you and ignore the rest.

My first post on this thread remarked on how similar my difficult child is to Lil's. Later, I said that I didn't agree with giving a red cross basket because kids like ours (meaning's Lil's and mine) would take that as a sign of weakness and use it to try to manipulate us into giving more and more.

As you said, the strength of this forum is sharing experiences. My experience is that giving a gift basket full of food would not be helpful in this case and I felt that I needed to share that with Lil. I wasn't being critical of you for doing so. I hope we can agree to disagree without it leading to hurt feelings. I value you as a member and think that you make a big contribution to the CD forum.

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Lil, in spite of offering support along the way, I'm sorry I did not make it clear that I really do think you and Jabber have done an outstanding job of letting go. You've made enormous strides which are incredibly difficult for all of us. You did the most difficult thing in kicking him out, which some of us can't do. You're doing a wonderful job in every possible way. And, in this last go around, you did not offer any food in spite of all the hard feelings you went through.

It takes time and along the way it hurts. That's true for all of us. We have plenty of doubts. That's a really typical reaction. In spite of your doubts and hurts and fears, you're still showing up and making every attempt to do the right thing with your son. Good job Lil. Good job Jabber.

 

[nlj]

Wow, Lucy, I certainly didn't mean to make you feel defensive.

I didn't feel defensive Kathy, I just thought you may have taken my post the wrong way. I also probably took your post the wrong way, as I took your sentence about 'kids like ours" to mean 'ours' related to all of us on this site. The power (and weakness) of the English language!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Geez, 5 posts came in while I was writing mine, you guys are quick!

My husband came on board when my granddaughter was 13. We talked about raising her and it was all about the emotional support and whether he wanted to be a 'Dad' again.......which, thankfully, he completely relished. I am very grateful he made that decision. Yet, we never talked about the financial implications nor did they matter as things progressed. It was never an issue. And, husband watched as I spent thousands on my daughter before I stopped doing that, and that was never an issue either. We all balance our lives in very different ways.

 

[Lil]

I do have to admit, when Jabber and I got married, money was an issue that was discussed pretty thoroughly. Not the cost of raising a kid. No...my ex had pretty much bankrupted me. In fact, the only reason there was no actual bankruptcy was because I was a lawyer and I bluffed the creditors into not suing me. But I owed thousands. I distinctly remember him coming in one night to find me crying after some creditor or other had written or called and telling him, "I can't marry you! I can't put this burden on you!"

He, of course, did the thing Jabber does best...held me and wiped my tears and told me not to be silly because he'd take me however he could get me and he didn't care about the money I owed. - Yeah...I get a little teary just typing that.

Another time I told him marriage wouldn't work if I couldn't be in charge of all the money and paying all the bills. His response? "Oh Thank God! I hate paying the bills!" We had two accounts for years...the main account where both of our paychecks went and I had pretty much the only access to...and his account where $200 per paycheck (2x/mo) went which was his gas, lunch, "mad-money" account. After a few years I got sick to death of paying the bills, finally grasped that he wasn't going to spend me into the dirt, and told him to take over.

We also had an agreement we keep to this day...that neither of us would spend more than $50.00 on any non-essential purchase without discussing it first. He broke that one once. I "gently" reminded him of it and he returned the item...which he got for Xmas. lol...

That man has a patience of a saint where I'm concerned. I really don't deserve him.

Oh...and I have to mention...he took half his account and put it aside into a secret investment account - for the sole purpose of taking me on vacation anywhere I wanted to go for our 10th anniversary...which is how we went to Rome. How amazing is that man?

 

[2much2recover]

When people starting getting angry at each other, with this I agree it is getting to a point of beating a dead horse [emoji1]. Glad we have each other even though we sometimes disagree.

 

[pasajes4]

All of us have struggled with how much we should do or give our children. Sometimes it feels right to do a little more and then there are the times when it just isn't the right thing to do. The poster that said we do it for ourselves is right. It is going to take time for both parties to establish a "different" type of relationship. It looks different when your child is barely out of their teens as opposed to an adult in their late 20's on up.

 

[2much2recover]

Somehow the point of what I was saying about GOOD MEN and the one's who take care of bio-dads responsibilities got off track. What I was really trying to say, how lucky we are to have these selfless men and at some point we have to let go of all our focus on our ADULT children and give more attention to our husband and our marriages. These "good men" give up a lot (yes they know what they are getting into - and don't mind) but we need to recognize them for all they have helped us endure, been there, held our hands, wiped our tears. Also a point I was trying to make is - because my husband took on my daughter - I won't allow her to do to him (or use us for "our" money) when, I couldn't say no to Difficult Child abuse (remember that includes financial) I could do it for him. In my mind I see him as an innocent party to how my child turned out and I while I can't always stand up to Difficult Child for myself, I am like a lion with it's cub when it comes Difficult Child to trying to take advantage of my husband. When you can't say no for yourself, do it for your husband!

 

[nlj]

Somehow the point of what I was saying about GOOD MEN and the one's who take care of bio-dads responsibilities got off track. What I was really trying to say, how lucky we are to have these selfless men and at some point we have to let go of all our focus on our ADULT children and give more attention to our husband and our marriages.

I agree that, as step-parents, we have to keep the main focus on our primary relationship, which is the one with our spouse. It's not just men who take on other people's children though. There are plenty of step-mothers out there who have taken on the role of absent birth-mothers. As well as me, there are other step-mothers on this site, some of whom are dealing with very difficult step-children. My problems are with my bio-son, but there are a lot of difficult issues faced by step-parents.

But... that's a whole other issue.

 

[2much2recover]

I agree that, as step-parents, we have to keep the main focus on our primary relationship, which is the one with our spouse. It's not just men who take on other people's children though. There are plenty of step-mothers out there who have taken on the role of absent birth-mothers. As well as me, there are other step-mothers on this site, some of whom are dealing with very difficult step-children. My problems are with my bio-son, but there are a lot of difficult issues faced by step-parents.

But... that's a whole other issue.

Agreed - only posted about this situation because is the one Lil and I both share - mothers of single children whose children were raised and provided for by steps. This information applies to EVERY step-parent. Once the children become adults the primary focus needs to be on the marriage and the spouse - let's face it - if our adult children weren't Difficult Child we would also be allowing the "children" to grow up, leave the nest and our focus "should" naturally return to our spouse. I feel for all step parents that have to deal with our DNA damaged children.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I agree. Any person who shows up to raise a child that isn't their child is a special human being. (Yay Lucy! Yay Jabber!) When I took on my granddaughter, my 'then' husband left, he said he could not raise another child. It was a pretty hard time. I felt I was forced to choose between my husband and a child, which was a terrible place to be for me..... I am eternally grateful that my 'now' husband stepped up to the plate so willingly, so joyfully, so lovingly, to help me raise her. He is indeed, a very special human being.