ants in the pants

[witzend]

If your husband is bailing him out against your wishes, for you and for your difficult child and for your other children you need to learn to stand up for yourself.

I doubt the advisability of long posts to you. You don't seem to absorb them. You seem to see them as encouragement that things are going as well as they could be expected to. They aren't. I don't agree with Star that things didn't go as well as we had hoped. It's nice to say we hoped for better, but I tend to err on the side of reality. I didn't expect things to go any differently than they did.

You need to get your head out of hope. You need to get your head into reality. If your husband is the wimp in your family you had better tell him to grow a spine. You've been going on like this for what, 8 - 10 years now? If you really want to protect your difficult child, set some rules, when he breaks them (and he will) kick his sorry behind out, and tell your husband if he wants to sleep in your bed he'd better stand with you.

And for gawds sake stop feeling sorry for everyone!

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Hey, what's going on here?

Oh boy, I envy all of you people who are giving Stands advice -- it must be wonderful to know best and be so sure of yourselves. If I sound sarcastic, that is because I MEAN to sound sarcastic.

I too am in a situation where as the situation keeps on changing, I am constantly hoping against hope that things will get better, and I am the one who argues with my husband to try yet again, to be softer, to get through to difficult child.

Just because all of you have the capability of being harsh, of being cruel in order to be kind, doesn't mean that someone you talk to and explain it to has the same capability. Each one of us is completely different, and each one of us in her own way does the very best she can for her child, or for herself, or both. Who are you to judge?

And then there is the pressure of Stand's husband. Who on earth has any clue just what stress she is under from that direction? Things can get very complicated in that direction (and I know, because I have been married to my husband for 40 years, and sometimes the stress has been incredible, and I still thought it worthwhile to stay married, knowing full well that I would face more stress over the years).

If you are true friends, or board friends, give the advice, and then leave Stands alone to do what she wants with it. It's like sisters -- you can talk until you are blue in the face, and your sister can frustrate you like nothing on earth, but you are still sisters when all's said and done, and the relationship still exists.

Quite honestly, my board sisters, the tones used by many of you in these postings to Stands make me want to run miles away from the board.

I myself am "guilty" of more or less the same attitude as Stands. My difficult child has now come back home after finishing the military. He had been living away from home for eight months, and yes, it was wonderful.

However, deep in my heart I still feel that more than anything else, my difficult child needs to feel that we are here for him, that we support him (emotionally); he is our son, he didn't ask to be born, and we have no choice but to be around for him, and our home is still his home (he is 22). Yes, he has a girlfriend, and yes, he has a job already for a month which he seems to like (a motorcycle repair shop), and yes, I keep on hoping against hope that this time it will be OK . . .

Our kids didn't ask to be born with ODD either, and they aren't happy people with ODD. They have got enough going against them in their lives without all their board aunties turning against him and his mother.

Stands is doing what SHE feels in her heart, not what all of you think she OUGHT TO FEEL and OUGHT TO DO.

I see from Star's replies that she also feels a little bit as I do. As for the rest of you -- quite honestly, I don't understand what gives you all the right to think you are GOD and have all the answers. Stands has every right to post whatever she wants, and you all have the right to ignore it. It is not written in any Bible that you have to have your say. Try and control your fingers and not type whatever comes into your minds. You do have the option not to reply, you know. But to blast her away like that?

I apologise for being so blunt. Still, none of you have restrained yourselves in hurting Stands, so now you have had a little of it back.

I'm not sure if I want to continue being here any more.

Will some moderator please step in and tell me if I am out of order or not?

Esther

 

[Suz]

Esther, you are not out of order to have your opinion and the rest of the members are not out of order to have theirs.

I can understand your frustration but you have also not stood in the trenches with every one of Stands' posts like the rest of the posters here have. Time and time again Stands has asked for suggestions and time and time again they've been given to her...and time and time again they've been ignored. I'll bet I've suggested to Stands at least 10 times that if she only wants to vent that's fine- vent- but don't ask for advice when you really don't want it because people will get offended. But she doesn't even take that advice. So, I don't think it's any surprise that patience is wearing thin...all around.

Stands, I wish you the best with this. I'm going to lock these threads since this topic has been exhausted.

Suz