anxiety over difficult child picking up his stuff

[Elsieshaye]

@Star: Hehehe, even better.

Sooo, my XSIL (difficult child's aunt) called and wanted to hear what happened. I gave her the rundown, and she told me that difficult child had actually admitted to her that he does drugs and drinks, but minimized it and told her that "it's just your opinion that it's wrong - I have a different opinion."

She gave me some other details, including that difficult child has a job at a fast food joint down there, but wasn't particularly confident that he'd be able to keep it for long, since he's already ranting about how people are dumb and he's not getting paid enough. Her big worry was "but what if he gets arrested for drugs?" and I told her "well, then, he gets arrested and has to figure out what to do." She's a sweet person, but really feels like a bad person if she's not enabling.

I can completely understand that and sympathize, but I'm not helping her do it. I asked her to not call me or email me with difficult child updates. She said, "ok, but I will call you if something really bad happens" and I told her that was fine, but not to be surprised if I didn't act on it in any way, depending on what it was. I did tell her to be very wary of giving difficult child money, and she agreed. I haven't responded to his email yet, and won't until I get tracking numbers for the boxes I'm sending down. I am being very cautious about exactly how much I open myself up to where he's concerned, and focusing on keeping my boundaries strong.

 

[Kathy813]

It was seriously a face full of angry crazy.

I like how you put that. Sorry you are going through this . . .

 

[Nancy]

Elsie, when we kicked our difficult child out of the house last January she wrote all kind of horrible things on facebook about what monsters we were to kick our own daughter out and what kind of parents do that yadda yadda. All her druggie friends chimed in and told her what she wanted to hear. Only when one of her former good friends posted on her wall that difficult child disgusted her and she felt sorry for difficult child's parents and then easy child posted why didn't difficult child tell everyone what really happened for her to get kicked out did she take down the post. I guess she didn't like that.

I would not respond to any more of his emails. He wants to engage you. Let time pass and leave the door open for a different kind of relationship in the future if you choose.

Nancy

 

[Elsieshaye]

@Kathy813 - Thank you. I'm sorry about what you're going through as well with your difficult child.

@Nancy - I'm going to send him the tracking numbers, so he doesn't bug me for them. For me, it draws a line under the whole thing and allows me to close the topic in my own mind. I have been thinking about what I want to say, and I think it's best if I just stick to neutral data (the tracking numbers), and not acknowledge his email. With someone who wasn't a difficult child, who expressed pain and anger to me, I would feel the need to at least acknowledge what they said, and tell them I loved them, even if I didn't agree with their specifics. But with difficult child, I think anything other than polite distance right now is asking for trouble.

 

[Nancy]

I agree Elsie, I'm all for telling them at every opportunity that we love them.

Nancy

 

[Elsieshaye]

So. Sent difficult child all his stuff Saturday, and emailed him the tracking information. It should be there this afternoon. My email was calm and factual and didn't mention his rant at all. My boyfriend helped me get it to the package shipper, and suggested that for Christmas this year I enclose the receipt for shipping in a card, and leave it at that. Not going to do that, because it is more in-his-face than I want to be, but it did make me laugh. (FWIW, my plan is to just ignore Christmas. I have plans with friends, and am not going to engage with difficult child by sending a gift/money/etc.)

I wish, on some level, that I could be warmer and more open to difficult child, but I'm really exhausted and heart-hurt. I just want to step aside for a while and focus on my own life, and on feeling more solid and safe. XSIL finally called me to hear about the situation from my perspective, and is in close touch with both difficult child and his father (they even invited her down for Christmas, which she declined, although she'll probably send them something), so I don't feel like he's utterly alone. I did tell her, however, that I did -not- want blow-by-blow updates of everything difficult child does. She insisted that she will contact me if "something bad happens". I told her that she could, but that depending on what it was I may not engage or act on what she tells me. She seemed very upset at the idea that he might be arrested, especially if he is as involved with drugs as he appears to be (kid with no money obtaining drugs can't just be mooching off of friends all the time - not to the degree that I believe he was using, at any rate). "But what if he gets arrested?!" I said, "then he gets arrested. we can't save him from that."

 

[Elsieshaye]

difficult child called me to let me know the boxes arrived (not to thank me, mind you, just to let me know), and to ask me where in all the boxes his suit might be. I told him, and he said "How can you sleep at night?". I told him I wasn't going to have this discussion with him, and hung up on him. He called me back and left a voice mail about how I'd "be best advised to talk to him about this." I really don't feel like I need to offer myself as a punching bag for his entitlement and aggression, so I am going to simply not respond. And, I think I'm just going to drop into a black hole for a while where he's concerned. I seriously don't need this. If that makes me selfish and un-motherly, I'm ok with that now.

 

[CrazyinVA]

He's being a bully, in my opinion. I agree it's best to keep your distance for awhile. You're not selfish or un-motherly, you're taking care of yourself.

Hugs.

 

[buddy]

My son uses a tone similar to that on some occassions...like today, "mom, you better bring aunt S to come visit me or else..." OH REALLY???? I felt icky about that even though I know he has issues that cause him to sound like that. (and he still gets corrected even though he has these issues, I want him to reach his potential and letting that stuff go completely will not benefit him, I realize that). I can only imagine how it would feel if he was in your son's position. I am so sorry. YOu do not deserve to be bullied like that. Sounds like he is becoming comfortable being in the same role dad was in...an abuisve person. I hope he doesn't go that path forever. I am just afraid for you, will you be safe? You said he is pretty far and they dont have tons of money so maybe that will help things stay safe.

 

[Signorina]

Oh Elsie - your son is being a jerk. And that's the nicest word I can use.

Put on your own oxygen mask first...I'd set my phone to send his calls straight to VM ...you are not selfish or unmotherly - you are mothering yourself right now and you deserve to be treated kindly. {{{{hugs}}}

and something must be in the air... I am super frustrated with my H tonight and boy did I let him know it. Plus my coworker (who happens to be my brother too) is pulling some sort of power trip and I am really annoyed and ready to quit my job...except I need the income .... I just may run away...I wish I could. Instead, here I type while taking a break from the spreadsheet that will keep me up all night...

 

[Elsieshaye]

Thanks, Everyone. I think the bullying, and how similar it is to his father's behavior, is the crux of the problem. I'm not doing him any favors if I roll over for it, nor am I taking good care of my own needs if I do that. In the 5 weeks that he's been gone, my hair has stopped falling out and my nails have grown out. I've lost 5 pounds and I'm sleeping again. The bullying has been a pattern of his for a while, and I really had bent myself into a pretzel to work with it. No more. (In terms of safety, it's hard for them to travel up here, and I'm maintaining my window and door alarms and other precautions. As long as they stay where they are, I feel pretty safe.)

(Signorina, there must indeed be something in the air, and escape looks good. I actually had to confront a coworker yesterday! He blatantly and condescendingly lied to my face about something I had documentation for, so it was easily proven where the issue really lay. What is so ****** hard about "hey, yeah, I messed up - let me fix that"??? I vote for a Parents Emeritus cruise to someplace sunny with yummy fruit drinks that have the paper umbrellas, lol.)