Ashamed, Confused, A Mess

[Overwhelmed1]

Good evening. I made it home from the holiday visit safely but distressed, wore out and confused. I a ashamed of myself for not putting an end to this year's ago. Stupidly I thought one more time I will help and then my kids would appreciate me and get their lives in order. Hasn't happened and now I'm at my wit's end with enabling them to depend on me for everything. For the last 20 years I have been a mess. Now I cannot think, do anything but go to work. I work, come home and barely do anything at home but sit or sleep. Then there are times I can't sleep at all.
When I visit my daughter and grandkids, I am under her complete control. I cannot make coffee until she gets up because I don't know how to make it right. She even puts my creamer in because I will use to much. Funny thing is I pay for everything even the creamer.
Please don't judge me to harshly. I know I am an idiot for letting this go on. I don't know how to stop it without worrying about the grandkids. I don't know if I can live with the guilt of abandoning them. Although, I believe the kids believe the aweful things my daughter tells them about me.
I know I am the only one that can fix my issues but it is nice to find a place I can talk about it. I also find it astonishing that there are so many of us out here trying to get freedom from so many issues that have a hold of our lives.
I know how I feel and wouldn't wish this on an enemy let alone a loved one. I hope we can all find peace of mind and comfort here.

 

[Acacia]

Please don't judge me to harshly. I know I am an idiot for letting this go on. I don't know how to stop it without worrying about the grandkids. I don't know if I can live with the guilt of abandoning them.

I don't judge you. I am sure you judge yourself more harshly than anyone on this site would. You can't let go until you let go. That sounds redundant, but I believe you will get there.

You are not abandoning your grandchildren. I am tempted to feel that way also because my daughter won't let me see my grandchildren and says awful things about me. Here's my truth: to have continued to tolerate my daughter's ill treatment of me would have been abandoning myself. It is not good for you or your grandchildren to allow yourself to be treated badly.

You can change and there's lots of support here to help you.

 

[MissLulu]

Just wanted to say hello and welcome. No one will judge you here. We are all on our own journey with these kids of ours. I hope this forum brings you strength and comfort.

 

[WiseChoices]

Hi Overwhelmed,
I allowed my daughter control over me also and for me, it was about people pleasing, wanting to be liked, and fear of abandonment. Giving our power away, however, is not love and does not get us love.

Some books and resources that have helped me are "Growing yourself up" by Jenny Brown and "Emotional blackmail" by Susan Forward along with Jerry Wise relationship systems on YouTube (free). He has a great video on narcissistic adult children and on how to let everyone around you grow up which are very helpful .

You are doing the best you can do. Until you are ready to deal with the underlying issues of your behaviors, you will continue to do what you do and no guilt in the world will change or fix that . Guilt is a useless emotion for this type of scenario because guilt keeps you stuck and perpetuates the behaviors which (while they do not serve you and you are aware of this) make you feel better in the moment. Accepting ourselves with our current behaviors is the platform that will allow change.

Setting boundaries, saying no, asserting your needs, wants, opinions, and preferences feel scary at first. It is allowing this uncomfortability and sitting with those Feelings that will grow you and change you, slowly. I personally would not have been able to start doing that without Al-Anon.

You have a great deal of awareness .Start bringing the focus on you and what you need and baby steps towards change will start to happen for you .

 

[JMom]

Overwhelmed,

I am curious as to what age your daughter became so controlling of you and does she control others in this way?

You can make coffee and use all the creamer you want but it might taste better without being brown beaten.

Girl, go get some well deserved premium coffee and let her be the one that is mad or inconvenienced. You deserve to have some peace, especially on your dime.

I pray you practice some self-care. No judgment here whatsoever. We often look up and ask -how did we get here? Now it's time to ask, how do I get back? There lies the solution. Take control sweet girl and pass the creamer.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Good evening. I made it home from the holiday visit safely but distressed, wore out and confused. I a ashamed of myself for not putting an end to this year's ago. Stupidly I thought one more time I will help and then my kids would appreciate me and get their lives in order. Hasn't happened and now I'm at my wit's end with enabling them to depend on me for everything. For the last 20 years I have been a mess. Now I cannot think, do anything but go to work. I work, come home and barely do anything at home but sit or sleep. Then there are times I can't sleep at all.
When I visit my daughter and grandkids, I am under her complete control. I cannot make coffee until she gets up because I don't know how to make it right. She even puts my creamer in because I will use to much. Funny thing is I p

Overwhelmed,

I am curious as to what age your daughter became so controlling of you and does she control others in this way?

You can make coffee and use all the creamer you want but it might taste better without being brown beaten.

Girl, go get some well deserved premium coffee and let her be the one that is mad or inconvenienced. You deserve to have some peace, especially on your dime.

I pray you practice some self-care. No judgment here whatsoever. We often look up and ask -how did we get here? Now it's time to ask, how do I get back? There lies the solution. Take control sweet girl and pass the creamer.

It has been at least 20 years since I have been trying to help my daughter. She is in her late 30's. It started in her mid teens. She seems to feel bad for a little bit, say an hour or so, being nice but then bam! One wrong word and the hatefulness starts again. It can be as simple as me playing with the kids. I should be there to see her not them.
I want to thank you for your support and encouragement. Just wish I could feel better and not worrying about their well being.

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree with the others. It is easy for us to say what you should do but you have to do it at your own pace. Maybe it would help if you set small goals for yourself like walking away when she is verbally abusive. Then build from there. Al anon or nami might provide you with support as well. Prayers for you that you find the strength you need.

 

[Blindsided]

Good evening. I made it home from the holiday visit safely but distressed, wore out and confused. I a ashamed of myself for not putting an end to this year's ago. Stupidly I thought one more time I will help and then my kids would appreciate me and get their lives in order. Hasn't happened and now I'm at my wit's end with enabling them to depend on me for everything. For the last 20 years I have been a mess. Now I cannot think, do anything but go to work. I work, come home and barely do anything at home but sit or sleep. Then there are times I can't sleep at all.
When I visit my daughter and grandkids, I am under her complete control. I cannot make coffee until she gets up because I don't know how to make it right. She even puts my creamer in because I will use to much. Funny thing is I pay for everything even the creamer.
Please don't judge me to harshly. I know I am an idiot for letting this go on. I don't know how to stop it without worrying about the grandkids. I don't know if I can live with the guilt of abandoning them. Although, I believe the kids believe the aweful things my daughter tells them about me.
I know I am the only one that can fix my issues but it is nice to find a place I can talk about it. I also find it astonishing that there are so many of us out here trying to get freedom from so many issues that have a hold of our lives.
I know how I feel and wouldn't wish this on an enemy let alone a loved one. I hope we can all find peace of mind and comfort here.

Overwhelmed, I am just getting caught up. I replied to your other post.

First, STOP! Feelings of guilt can paralyze us. And right now you sound like you need help for YOU! Detaching is a healthy thing for you right now. Someone here calls it disentangling. I am a work in progress myself, for all the same reasons. We truly understand. I think of detachment as removing my self and disengaging from emotionally based interactions. Sorry, my memory is not the best, several have helped me with this and say to think about goals that are based on reality not feelings. You can read my other reply, but after reading this post, I think you need to work on you. Don't let anyone else steel your joy.

I also put a link to the article on detachment in my other reply.

Light and love.

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."

Joseph Campbell

 

[RN0441]

Welcome and I'm sorry that you feel this way around your daughter.

Have you actually called her out on her behavior? I'm thinking if you have not, that you should.

Sometimes we need to tell people how we want to be treated, how we should be treated or how we expect to be treated.

We would never judge you. It's just something I thought about.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Thanks RN0441, I have many times and she turns it back on me. She tells me everything she has gone through is my fault.