Asked daughter to leave home. Dying inside.

[Everyone's Mom]

New here. First post. Found this site today as I was searching for answers because I've been dying inside for the past 24 hours... actually the last 3 months.
Here's the nutshell version of our family drama:
Daughter 20 depressed. Sociology/Theater major. Doesn't drive. Not currently employed. Lives at home with stepdad and mom (me). Totally dependent on parents. Has marginal relationship with father and stepmom.

In October, boyfriend (of 1 year) dumped her. Depression turned into destructive behavior including quitting school, drinking, getting tattoos, and hooking up with random strangers on Tinder. Lots of drama. Lots of lying. Lots of manipulation. Warned her about bringing home strangers ESPECIALLY "Tinder Guys." Of course she promised me that she would NEVER do such a thing (just like she promised she would NEVER get a tattoo). Made it clear that if she ever did this, she would be OUT!

Fast forward to yesterday when she promised again that she would NEVER bring home a stranger and got caught with a Tinder hookup in her bedroom (less than an hour after our aforementioned). Lied about the situation and the relationship. Young man admitted to being a "Tinder Guy" and apologized for disrespecting our home, shook our hands, and left.
Stepdad and I told her to pack a bag for a few days and that she should go live with her father and stepmom for a while. We explained (again) that by bringing home strangers she opens herself, her 16 year old step sister, 18 year old brother, and our home to horrific dangers. She clearly doesn't get it and continued to lie about the situation even though we caught her in the act.
She stayed with a friend last night and will do so again tonight as she has MD appts in the area and Uber/Lyft are eating up all her $$$. Will go to her dad's this weekend.

I know that I cannot put our other children and our home at risk by allowing her to come back. I know that I cannot continue to enable her, but I also know that I'm dying inside because this adult-daughter of mine is my life, my best friend, my everything and I don't know how to get through this new chapter in our lives. I know today is only Day 1, but I'm not sure I can get though Days 2 and more....

Thank you for "listening."
Everyone's Mom.... except my own.

 

[Rosie67]

Oh dear. So sorry you had to find this site but glad you did. From what I read it seems that you have provided your daughter with reasonable rules and have been very fair with the application of them. Your daughter is 20....she will not change her life and choices until she is ready, regardless of what you say. I agree that your rules about having random Tinder guys hooking up in your house with your daughter is unacceptable. FULL STOP!

 

[Kalahou]

Hello Everyone's Mom
I was just checking the site before I get ready for sleep, and I just wanted to acknowledge your post. I have you in my thoughts for a calm spirit in dealing with fears about your daughter. You have found a safe place here to share and seek insight and wisdom from the folks who all understand too well the type of understandable confusion and heartache you are experiencing. I am thankful for this group. Your daughter is still so young, so I feel your pain in being fearful and concerned for her. I have raised 4 children to adults, so I know those young years (20yrs) with such dangerous behaviors are so worrisome. It’s a wonder how we get through some days….as you said "dying inside".

I know that I cannot put our other children and our home at risk by allowing her to come back. I know that I cannot continue to enable her, but I also know that I'm dying inside because this adult-daughter of mine is my life, my best friend, my everything and I don't know how to get through this new chapter in our lives. I know today is only Day 1, but I'm not sure I can get though Days 2 and more

You did the right thing in asking your daughter to leave your home. This is a major and necessary first step. A hard one. An initial shock to our emotional and physical systems. Hopefully, it will become easier as you take each day at a time. Take a moment to read the article on Detachment at the top of this forum. It is a great helpful reminder and encouragement. Here's the link : http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz3wXDwCHSM

My own difficult child is a 36 year old son. Just when I thought I was done with raising him to a responsible young adult in early 20s, is when he started his downhill slide into difficulties. “He failed to launch.” Others on this site more in tune with your specific unique situation will be along soon to support you with wisdom and guidance. I am thankful you found us. I know you are already relieved to have shared your situation so you know that you are not alone. It is such a relief to be here with others who really know from experience what is happening and feel the same pain. We are all in pain here, but are learning to manage, find a measure of peace and some comfort in loving detachment from our difficult children.

Stay with us. It helps to keep posting. You are going to be alright. Most folks in the USA are already asleep now, but others will come along soon, as the sun rises on a new day ~ Ka la hou ~
Hugs to you.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi EM, so sorry for your situation and your heartache. I have two out there who have similar stories, they were at one time, my best buds, when they were younger. As they grew into teenagers, that's when things became difficult. I think it is a normal thing for young adults to want to live their lives, as they choose. Buck the rules, a bit, a little rebelliousness, is a part of "testing the waters", for some, but then, for others, it becomes a downhill slide.

We live in a fast paced world, there is so much out there to "dabble" in. You were smart to set boundaries for your girl, and when she refused to abide by them, have her leave your home. It does not feel right, but our children are meant to grow up and leave the nest. We would like them to leave on good terms, but for some, it is not the case.

I know that I cannot put our other children and our home at risk by allowing her to come back. I know that I cannot continue to enable her, but I also know that I'm dying inside because this adult-daughter of mine is my life, my best friend, my everything and I don't know how to get through this new chapter in our lives. I know today is only Day 1, but I'm not sure I can get though Days 2 and more....

You are very astute to see the risk your other children are in, and make appropriate changes. This sets the record straight, for them as well, that there are house rules that MUST be followed. Safety, respect and consideration for others being right up there.
I know the feeling of devastation, when we take this course of action. It cuts to the core. After nurturing someone for their whole lives, having them leave us, because of their actions, feels counter-intuitive. But the truth is, EM, most of us have found, that at home, our d cs only get worse. I used to say "I kicked my daughters out." Then I realized, it was not me, it was the choices they were making. In a way, what these kids are saying, is "I want to do what I want to do." which to me translates to "I do not want to live here."
So, one way to look at this, that helped me, is that our adult children are supposed to go out on their own, and find their way. I know, it is hard, but your daughter would eventually have to launch from under your wings, and live her life. It is just not the kind of launching we imagine.......
What we go through after, is a grieving period, and you need to feel what you have to feel, and get it out.
You have come to a good place here, to do that. Many of us have been in the same situation, and have felt the pain of it.
You are not alone, EM. I am so sorry for your hurting heart.
You have done the right thing, it doesn't feel right, but it is.
You matter, you have value.
One day at a time. Be very, very kind to yourself.
Keep posting, it really helps. I am glad you have found us.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome Everyone's Mom,

I am glad you found us here.

It's good that you followed through with telling your daughter she had to live. We all have to be firm in what we say and follow through otherwise these difficult children of ours will use it against us.

I know that I cannot put our other children and our home at risk by allowing her to come back. I know that I cannot continue to enable her, but I also know that I'm dying inside because this adult-daughter of mine is my life, my best friend, my everything and I don't know how to get through this new chapter in our lives. I know today is only Day 1, but I'm not sure I can get though Days 2 and more....

Please hear me on this, you are not defined by your children. You are your own person and that is who you need to concentrate on. Our children whether good or difficult will all leave our homes someday and we are left with just ourselves. This is key to our own survival, we have to live for ourselves. Please take time to do good things for just you. Find things that you enjoy to do and do them.

You can get through this and go on to live a very happy and fulfilled life. I am living proof.

Hang in there and stay close to this site. Keep posting and reading, you will be amazed at the strength you can draw from us that have been there.

((HUGS)) to you....................

 

[New Leaf]

Hi again Everyone's Mom

Please hear me on this, you are not defined by your children. You are your own person and that is who you need to concentrate on. Our children whether good or difficult will all leave our homes someday and we are left with just ourselves. This is key to our own survival, we have to live for ourselves. Please take time to do good things for just you. Find things that you enjoy to do and do them.

This is so very, very true. I can see by your name, that you have probably been used to taking care of, and nurturing others for a long time.
It feels weird to focus on ourselves, when this is the case. Taking care of ourselves, our needs, is not selfish, it is of utmost importance.
Baby steps, take a walk, sit quietly, with your thoughts. Start a journal, revive an old hobby. Make a list of things you would like to do. Join alanon, or any group. Seek therapy, if the feelings become overbearing. I did, it helped me sort through all of the sadness.

Thank you for "listening."
Everyone's Mom.... except my own.

Dear, we cannot function from empty, so please, be your own MOM, too. Take a little time out of each day to be good to yourself.
You matter. You have value.
(((HUGS)))
leafy