Welcome- I'm sorry you're going through this. Everyone here understands the pain, anger, frustration, sadness, etc. you are experiencing. First things first- you need to learn about detachment and enabling. In a nutshell enabling is doing something for a capable adult that they can do for themselves. Detachment is allowing someone else to live their life, make their own choices (good or bad) and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards on their own. You can love your son while minding your own business and letting him deal with his life choices. Loving detachment for me is when my daughter calls and starts railing on about some problem she has likely created for herself. Instead of getting upset, yelling at her about her poor choices, giving advice, money or any kind of help I just say, "You're a smart woman. You'll figure it out." and leave it at that. It sounds so easy, but it's really hard to put into practice and to maintain. You also need to learn about healthy boundaries, then set and enforce them with your son. Be prepared- he will likely up the ante in any number of ways when you set boundaries and enforce them. But if you stick to it he will get it and eventually give up. I know this all sound easy, yet impossible to do with your own child. I understand completely but believe me, if I can do it decently well then anyone can. Mostly you need to learn to turn your focus onto yourself to maintain and/or improve your health and happiness. Start small- take yourself to a movie or buy yourself something, take a class, take a walk. Do nice things for yourself. I've found the more I do them the more I enjoy caring for myself. You deserve happiness, good health and a stable financial future. Risking those things to try and "fix" your son won't work. If your love and concern could've changed him, it would have by now. Glad you found us, but sorry you had to. Sending peace to you.
